Can we talk about Laura Lee? Like, REALLY talk?
(This is super long and not perfect)
I'm going to start with the Summer camp scene here. The scene itself is a sweltering day at a pool, busy with kids at play. We see a sign above the pool reading ‘Mary Magdalene Summer Camp’ and a faint ‘bible study’ poster behind Laura Lee, both insisting that this is run by a christian organisation. We then pan to a younger Laura, at least a year before the plane crash, sitting by the pool with her legs in the water. She then gets up and hovers over the edge of the pool for a moment, before diving in head first. Once she hits the water, she outstretches her palms, grazing them against the bottom of the pool, but making no attempt to stop herself from hurling into a concussion. As a result, she passes out from the impact of bashing her head against the bottom of the pool, floating at the stop with blood flowing from her forehead. In the lingering moment before she dives, I think she's hesitating. She’s thinking ‘should I really do this?’ because she's about to take her own life. After the jump, she is so unafraid to die, that I think it proves that she is really trying to hurt herself, because she doesn't seem to get a last rush of fear. I think she knew very well where she was and what would happen to her.
But, why would Laura Lee want to attempt suicide? Well, let’s see: Laura Lee was raised into religion, implied to have the ‘big christian poster family’; she is hinted to have mental health problems in the second episode where she says “This is all my fault”, blaming herself for the plane crash; and she could very well be feeling disconnected to her religion or even God itself. This disconnect is interesting when you look at Laura Lee’s not-so-goody-two-shoes acts like: going to parties, playing defence in sport, and having a close relationship with both Lottie and Van. Although it was scrapped, Laura Lee and Van were best friends in the original Yellowjackets script, and this is a very interesting choice, because we know that Van is lesbian. Sadly, we never get to learn if Laura Lee knows this, but we do get some implications of what both Van and Tai assumed of her. The very episode after Laura’s death, Van and Taissa stop hiding their relationship from the other girls, and kiss at the ‘dooms-coming’ party. Earlier in the show, Van says that ‘we can’t hide it forever’ and Tai responds with ‘I just don’t want to deal with the drama’. It’s possible that the ‘drama’ Tai refers to could be Laura Lee’s reaction, fuelled by her bible worship. However, considering that the original script was going to make Van and Laura very close friends, I tend to doubt that Laura was really as homophobic as Tai (rightfully) assumes. She played on a girl’s football team, for christ’ sake– Laura knew damn well about the queer connotations of that, it was the 90s. And this isn’t the only thing Laura Lee could be going against her religion with. Referring back: she attends high school parties in the woods; Even though she preaches about god, she’s in a woman’s soccer team– which isn’t condemnable, but very unusual for an aspiring christian housewife; She also has quite the temper, even if she doesn't show it most of the time. We do get to see this in her scene with Ben in episode ‘Flight of the Bumblebee’, when she asks “What are you going to do to stop me?” after he tries to stop her from leaving. In this scene, she’s not afraid to curse and admit reality. She says she has to go, “Or else we’re all going to fucking starve.” She's ambitious and determined - which are well or ill qualities in their own right, but may be not what's expected from a ‘good Christian girl’.
All to say, Laura Lee feeling disconnected from her religion because she doesn't agree with major preaching points is very much plausible. The summer camp scene itself is there to show how and why Laura Lee is so devout in the current day, and this could hint that Laura wasn’t nearly as nun-like before her suicide attempt. Perhaps she tries to take her own life as a way to test her dwindling faith. She's young and developing, and her close relationship with Lottie can definitely be read as something more than a simple friendship, meaning she could very well be read as queer herself. This could also explain her friendship and kinship with Van. Maybe because Laura Lee was growing apart from many christian beliefs, she was desperate to be proved wrong, because she loved her family and knew that she wouldn’t be accepted if she lived her truth.
I take Laura’s act of jumping into the pool as a dare. A test to God. ‘If I live, I've been saved. if I die, God is false.’ It’s a very risky bet, but not one that Laura Lee isn't scared to try. If God is false, she doesn’t see herself having anything to live for. No community, no family. She is so ingrained into christianity that she would die if it wasn’t true. She was yearning for a close connection to god. She can’t consider anything else; it’s her way of following religion. If God ‘allows’ Laura Lee to keep living, it means she has a purpose to fill. A mission, something, anything – she's not lost. It allows her to ignore (or deny) other parts of her identity. After she is saved by the lifeguard, she tries to thank him, but even he refuses to take any credit, and tells Laura Lee to thank God. This is why she is so incredibly devout. Even in her last moment of clarity, the person who saved her redirected her back to God.
This scene creates such a strong impression because of the amount of small details and little things that allude to Laura Lee’s mental illness, and why she repeatedly tries to hurt herself. This young girl has been forced into an incredibly restrictive and toxic environment, and she struggles to find herself amongst priests who tell her right from wrong. And it isn’t just when she tries to kill herself in the pool that’s impactful, but also when she tries to fly a plane that has been abandoned in the woods upwards of decades. She's completely untrained, and would be flying through a complex area filled with mountains and valleys, where even highly experienced pilots have struggled. She had no idea how far she had to fly, and in what direction, let alone how to land, or what conditions would be like. Not only is this incredibly insane, but it’s just dumb. Yes, Laura says it’s for the good of the group. Yes, she says it’s to save Van and Shauna– but it’s impossible. Her grandfather was a pilot, so it’s not like she was uneducated. She does it for god. She tests him yet again. Laura Lee uses her faith as an excuse to put herself in harm's way again.
Expanding on her “This is all my fault” comment, we also know that Laura Lee can’t imagine God wanting to punish the other yellowjackets. She knows all too well that none of them are saints: getting drunk, having physical relations before marriage, and being queer (If we assume that Laura knows). She thinks so lowly of herself that she immediately takes the blame for an uncontrollable plane crash, blaming herself just because she called her piano teacher ‘a cunt’ in her own mind, sobbing “But god heard me. And now he's punishing all of us (because of her actions).” While this is also meant to serve as a comedic scene, with all the characters laughing at Laura Lee, it has some deeper implications into Laura Lee’s harmful mindset. This really shows how her upbringing negatively impacts her, with this ‘it’s all my fault’ mindset linking back to divine punishment.
Despite her low self-worth, Laura Lee still manages to be a good character with strong morals. She is continuously understanding of Lottie and so sweet and gentle with her when she shows interest in Laura’s religion. Not only that, but she isn’t incredibly pushy about God, despite being so pious. She doesn't bring up God especially often in the wilderness, where everyone is scared and vulnerable. She keeps her religion mostly to herself. This contrasts most preachers, as so many major (mainly christian) religions rely on preying on the needy to collect followers. Preachers often see moments of vulnerability as an opportunity for people to ‘let god into their heart’, but Laura Lee doesn't do such things. In fact, I'd say she discusses God less now that she's in the wilderness. Before the crash, it seemed like every line of dialogue linked back to God. When considering Laura Lee’s own moment of ‘saviour’ (being resuscitated from a suicide attempt), one may dare to say that she was one of the vulnerable people who the church trapped herself. Despite being raised into christianity, I don’t think she truly believed when she was old enough to know that Santa Claus wasn’t real either. Maybe she had a tweenage rebellion, but we know painfully little about Laura Lee’s past.
All of these things have such an impact because it directly tackles the power that ‘God’, as an idea, can give to mentally ill people. Laura Lee puts herself in harm's way ‘for the sake of god’ when she really just wants to die. This is why she doesn't get the help she needs. Everyone sees her acts as devotion, when they are harmful. Flying the plane follows the same path as the pool scene: God lets Laura Lee live, and she saves the day; or God isn't here, and Laura Lee dies. She's provoking both God and the Wilderness, if they exist. If they do not, Laura Lee is just following her suicidal tendencies by risking her life with an excuse: potentially saving the others. And, as we know, nothing can save Laura Lee from her violent plane explosion. In the moments before her death, she is so glad to have the chance to save everyone, and panics when the fire lights. She looks around frantically, repeating “No, no…”, but knows that she can’t stop the inevitable. Laura Lee doesn't even look particularly afraid after realising that she is about to die, and there’s nothing she can do. There's a fire lit beside her, but she just keeps looking forward, inhaling the smoke. She clutches her necklace, calm and serene, and the plane implodes. It’s a bittersweet feeling to see the death of a character who was trying to die, but, as Lottie had written on her chalkboard in Shana, Van, and Akilah’s hallucination in episode three of season three: ‘Of all the ways to lose a person, death is the kindest.’ It was a mercy to Laura Lee, so that she didn't need to endure the horrors of winter and thereafter.
It's fascinating to compare Laura Lee with Jackie on their shared suicidal ideologies, because they're both trying to kill themselves in their own way. Laura Lee hides it (to others, but I think also to herself) behind her faith and her desire to save everyone, whereas Jackie stops eating and begins to self-isolate. They're both trying to be subtle about it, but they both want to die.
One of the few characters that respond to Laura’s small signs of instability is Lottie. When everyone laughs at Laura for her piano teacher confession, Lottie jumps in to reveal her own plane-crashing secret: She steals from T.J. Max, only to return the clothes and collect ‘T.J. bucks’ in the hundreds. So, in a way, it was Lottie who started the round of team confessions to show that Laura Lee wasn't alone, helping to turn a silly moment into team bonding. It’s fascinating because this is the first time we get to see Lottie's observation skills and empathy as leadership qualities, even if she still has the quiet girl status at the time. Throughout Lottie’s metamorphosis into who she is in season two, Laura Lee is there to encourage her into speaking up, and giving Lottie the confidence she needed to be able to grow into herself. When Lottie is unmedicated, Laura Lee is one of her few pillars of support and understanding. Even though it may not be good for Lott, Laura listens to and considers the things that Lottie is seeing in an honest and slightly delusional manner. Laura Lee sees Lottie as a prophet of God. During their time in the wilderness, Laura Lee and Lottie grow much closer. Laura Lee supports Lottie and believes in her visions even when there is no reason to. She believed Lottie was a prophet and her visions were messages from god, and this may not have been the best for either of them, but it made them happy, at least. Laura takes these dark parts of Lottie that have been repressed for years as a blessing. Laura Lee embraces Lottie for who she is, and that’s something not even Lott’s parents could do.
And Lottie helps Laura Lee believe in God, despite the setting of the wilderness and the lack of societal barriers that Laura grew up with. Lottie upholds the divinity of a priest for Laura Lee, resulting in her throwing herself deeper into christianity instead of allowing herself to start doubting her faith again. Laura Lee and Lottie both build up off of each other: Laura shrouds herself in her faith like a shield or suit of armour because Lottie reinforces her beliefs; and Lottie begins to be more and more outspoken as Laura Lee brings her out of her shell, resulting in her eventual leadership. Laura is such a major part of Lottie’s ascent to the throne that it’s hard to talk about one without talking about the other. Their relationship isn’t crystal clear before the crash, but we know that they chose to sit close to each other (Lottie behind Laura) on the plane. When it began its descent, they reached out to each other for support, gripping one another’s hand. They may not have been best friends ever before the crash, but there's an undeniable sense of familiarity between the two of them. They’ve definitely known each other a while, with being on the same sports team. And they seem to like each other’s company too, especially since we know that Laura Lee and Van were meant to be best friends in the pilot, and still Laura chose to sit with Lottie.
In episode 6 ‘Saints’, Laura Lee takes it upon herself to baptize Lottie in the lake. There's a lot of symbo- lism in this scene, specifically in Lottie’s vision where she is transported to a basement where she sees a male deer. The stag can represent many things here, but on the surface, the stag can simply symbolize the spiritual cleanse (baptism). But, in christianity, a stag represents Christ's crucifixion as well as a spiritual guide. So, Lottie follows the stag into a passageway in the basement, and there’s several candles burning. She lights one of the unlit candles. In terms of religious symbolism, the candlelight often represents the light of christ. Because of this scene, i think that While underwater, Lottie opens her eyes back up only to see Laura Lee’s face above, with a halo around her head akin to the ones seen around saint’s heads in religious paintings. Due to the similarly named episode, the symbolism of Laura Lee being like a saint is highlighted, and this could absolutely allude to Laura Lee’s tragic end, much like the saints of catholicism. This scene is so impactful to me because it creates such a strong impression on the viewer. We see two characters who are shown to be mentally ill feeding into each other's delusions, while simultaneously building up their characters and setting up Lottie’s character arc as the leader. We can see the way that the story is going, especially with the knowledge that everyone will devolve into cannibal cultists hunting each other for survival from the pilot episode.
