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Fun Facts with Ignor Amos

Fun fact: The New World was actually discovered in the year five million BCE by the people of Alpha Centauri, though they did not settle or develop it, ceding the land over to humans who crossed over on the Bering land bridge.

#satire #funny #yogap #ye olde goldyn appyl presse #fun facts #believe these at your own risk

Learn About: TIERRA DEL FUEGO

Part of the "Learn About" series by Ignor Amos, YOGAP fact-checking specialist.

Learn About: Tierra Del Fuego

“Tierra Del Fuego” is a derogatory slang term for a purple pineapple. Purple pineapples, which have long been discriminated against by the yellow pineapples, are an old race with a proud history. Originally native to Oahu, the term “Tierra Del Fuego” refers to their supposed habit of raping goats while children and elderly people watch. This stereotype came about in the late 1860's, when goat-riding was a popular sport among purple pineapples. The way the purple pineapples traditionally rode goats was such that people not familiar with the custom took it to be mounting of the goats in a sexual way, but it was not. Purple pineapples despise the term “Tierra Del Fuego,” and prefer to be called Pinipplis, which means “the people.”

#satire #ye olde goldyn appyl presse #funny #yogap #fun facts #today i learned #Learn About Series #believe these at your own risk

Learn About: SASPARILLA

Part of the "Learn About" series by Ignor Amos, YOGAP fact-checking specialist.

Learn About: Sasparilla

Sasparilla is a small island nation off the coast of Iowa, and is famous for being the birth place of Abraham Lincoln's mentally handicapped cousin Stink N. Lincoln. The island, which floats three miles above Des Moines, was one of the first places in America to “go green,” and now gets all its electricity from genetically modified toads in water-filled glass jars.

A matriarchal communist country, Sasparilla's chief export is sex, which is mined in the island's many sex mines by minor miners. (In communist Sasparilla, sex has YOU!)

Laws to be aware of: In Sasparilla, it is illegal to masturbate with the business end of a toothbrush.

#satire #funny #ye olde goldyn appyl presse #yogap #fun facts #Learn About Series #believe these at your own risk #“Honey I'm off to a hard day's work in the sex mines!”

Learn About: DONALD TRUMP

Part of the "Learn About" series by Ignor Amos, YOGAP fact-checking specialist.

Learn About: Donald Trump

Donald Trump is the name of a famous, hot, bisexual prostitute with a taste for raw beef and Muslim men. A native of Nevada, Ms. Trump was a nude model in her teenage years for a photographer named Mr. Don Von Elmo. The daughter of two lesbian women and a male goat in a polyamorous marriage, she currently works for no less than $500 per night. Donald Trump holds the Guinness world record for most sperm swallowed in ten years.

Ye Olde Goldyn Appyl Presse – All the news that’s fit to print, and then some!

#donald trump #satire #funny #yogap #ye olde goldyn appyl presse #believe these at your own risk #Learn About Series

Outdoor Yoga class.

#yogap #yogaposes #hathayoga #yogafitness #healthylifestyle #200HourYogaTTCinRishikesh #bestyogaschoolinrishikesh #yogajourny #Kundalini yoga #yogastudio #getft #yogainspiration #yogi #yogini

YOGAP CRIME REPORT

CRIME REPORT

Biloxi, Mississippi – A man was arrested today in Biloxi, Mississippi on the charge that he did willfully, and with intended malice, THINK FOR HIMSELF, an act that led him to question authority and the truth of the Bible. This malicious activity had been going on for some months already before it was discovered, and he might have gotten away for it if he had not asked his wife if she would consent to anal sex. She rightly reported him to the police straightaway. A secondary charge of “attempted buttsecks” (sic) was added to his list of charges. He has been preemptively charged without trial and will be executed by means of the Cruciatus Curse, followed by the Avada Kedavra.

Chicago, IL – An illegal drug smuggling ring was busted today as the result of a new experiment in smuggling. It seems that Columbian cocaine was being snuck into a secret facility in Canada, where it was being pressed into what appeared to be mozzarella cheese. The smugglers were busted when a new employee, unaware of the plot, opened one of the drug packages and used it to make pizzas. Everyone who ate at Papa Greasy's Pizza Shack in the last week will probably not be passing any drug tests anytime soon, and will no doubt be returning for a pizza “fix.” Temporary drug rehab clinics have already been set up in the area.

Portland, OR – After reporting a sighting of the famed Flying Spaghetti Monster, devout Pastafarian Lars A. Merci started throwing whole jalapeños at passers-by, screaming “The end is near! His Noodly Appendages will eat us all and wash us down with a tall glass of ice cold milk! Repent! Repent!” Mr. Merci was arrested for breaching the peace and for assault with peppers.

Halifax, Canada – George Bernard Squaw, CEO of the tiny online merchant “E-Z De-Pimplers,” which sells only pimple-popping mechanisms, was convicted yesterday for embezzling $4.32 Canadian over the course of two years. Mr. Squaw, who acted as his own lawyer, was also charged with contempt of court for trying to argue his case using only charades.

Osceola, IA – A woman was arrested earlier in the week on charges of attempted murder on karaoke night at the local casino when she started to sing “Bear Necessities” so badly that several people in the audience had to be taken to the hospital with internal hemorrhaging. A judge downgraded the charges to “reckless endangerment” and sentenced her to take a threemonth vow of silence. She is also banned from singing ever again.