YOGAP article for December 4th, 2014
Ye Olde Goldyn Appyl Presse, the newspaper from an alternate universe!
December 4, 2014
Colinson, Indiarka; United States of Vespuccia: Three months ago, a 2 year old black boy named Tyke Tanner was shot to death by Colinson police officer Raysis T. Bashtard. The boy, who was asleep at the time, was shot in the back 118 times. His death has been ruled to be self-defense by the Colinson police force and grand jury, both of which are branches of The Righteous Brotherhood For The Ethnic Cleansing of Vespuccia, of which Officer Bashtard is a member.
We at Ye Olde Goldyn Appyl Presse interviewed Officer Bashtard - who has retired from the force - before he left to Bermuda to live with his supermodel girlfriend in his new mansion, and he gave us an account of the incident with the boy in question. "He came at me like The Hulk," Officer Bashtard said while trying to hold back his laughter. "He had an Uzi in one hand, a grenade launcher in the other hand, was belching fire out his mouth and had lasers coming from his- oh God," he said, doubling over with laughter. "I can't believe those idiots believed that bullshit!" After five minutes of uninterrupted laughing, Officer Bashtard finally calmed down enough to continue the interview, in which - between giggles - he explained how the unarmed, sleeping child had savagely attacked him via astral projection, giving him carpal tunnel, osteoporosis, pink eye, and a paper-cut.
Doubtful of his claims, our intrepid reporters have done their own investigations. All the evidence against Officer Bashtard has since been destroyed by the Colinson police department, citing "National security" reasons, but before that happened, we obtained access to coroner's reports, which show that the boy was in a common sleeping position when he died, and was shot in the back from a distance of 10 feet. We also got reports from many eye witnesses in the park that the incident occurred, who saw Officer Bashtard sneak up on the boy as he slept on a park bench after a very exhausting play date, and without provocation shot the boy 118 times in the back. All the witnesses we spoke to have since either been arrested on various charges including "resisting arrest" (simply by not being home when the officers came to arrest them) or else have mysteriously vanished, last seen in the vicinity of officers from the Colinson police force. We watched videos they took of the incident - verifying their claims - that had been uploaded to ViewCube, but all the videos have since been taken down on claims of copyright violations.(1) Other videos were uploaded to Loa, another popular video site that only allows 3 second long videos, but were taken down for spam, since each video of the incident had to be broken into 600 separate videos. Other less popular video sites have all been hacked and the incriminating videos deleted.
We made copies of all the videos before they were taken down, of course, but recently a group of hooded and masked members of The Righteous Brotherhood For The Ethnic Cleansing of Vespuccia firebombed our offices and charged millions of dollars worth of racist memorabilia to our credit cards, and we are now reporting from an old typewriter inside of a storage unit we are illegally using as an apartment until we can recover from the identity theft.
We also investigated Officer Bashtard's claims of being attacked by the boy via astral projection. All the experts we found agreed that astral projection attacks cannot cause physical harm, only spiritual harm, and that nobody under the age of 10 could possibly have the knowledge and experience necessary to attack anyone via astral projection. One expert even claimed he had investigated claims that Officer Bashtard possessed a soul, and could find no evidence supporting that claim. All these experts have since disappeared under mysterious circumstances, and all their houses received burning Ichthys (Jesus fish symbols) on their lawns shortly after speaking with us. The burning Ichthys is, of course, the symbol and calling card of The Righteous Brotherhood For The Ethnic Cleansing of Vespuccia. In fact, their nickname among those who hate them is "The Ichthyits," a pun on "idiots."
Medical reports pertaining to his post-shooting medical examination, which we stole from the hospital, also showed that Officer Bashtard had and has none of the complaints which he claimed to have gotten from the attack, not even the paper-cut. The proof burned up in the fire that took our office building, sadly. And the original records have also vanished.
In response to the ruling of "self-defense," the black community peacefully protested in Colinson. Colinson police, needing the peaceful protesters to look bad, sent in tanks to fire concussion grenades and pepper spray bombs at the protesters. Protesters naturally fought back in self defense, which is being reported by most media outlets as an unjustified riot. But since Ye Olde Goldyn Appyl Presse refused Rufus Moneybags' buy-out offer three years ago, we can report the news as it really is, rather than being part of Rufus's Propaganda Conglomerate. (That is not editorializing, that is literally what he calls it.) (2)
The reporters of all conventional media news have been expressing bewilderment that the people of Colinson and others around the country of Vespuccia would be rioting, despite the fact that last year, when the country of Gogtorok declared war on the nation of Delshinki because a Delshinkian ambassador insulted the head chef at a roadside hovel, to which Gogtorok nuked Delshinki until all that remains are horrifying mutants whose chief export these days is their own bodily slime (which makes an excellent machine lubricant), those same reporters had no problem understanding the anger of the Gogtorokkans. Reporters in the mainstream media have also been calling the protesters all kinds of names that are not fit to be repeated here.
The vilification of young Tyke Tanner by the mainstream media has been very thorough. Lacking any real "dirt" on him, they have begun claiming that the 2 year old had a bad habit of screaming at his mother and throwing his food at her in a tantrum, and when that wasn't enough to justify the murder of a toddler, they reported that the boy's great-grandfather once visited a speakeasy and had a single glass of wine before leaving peacefully and never breaking another law for the rest of his life (even the obscure ones nobody enforces anymore), which "obviously means" that the boy "is a hardened hooligan" and thus "had to be put down like a rabid dog." Never mind that Vampires, most of whom are white, were accepted into our culture 10 years ago and are never prosecuted for drinking the blood of homeless people until their victims die; I guess being adapted to sunny climates and therefore being walking, talking evidence in favor of evolution merits more hatred than does murdering the lower class for their blood; but I guess the police can't prosecute the Vampires for having an activity in common with the upper class. (Okay, that was editorializing, and I apologize.) (No I don't.)
Protesters are also angry that The Righteous Brotherhood For The Ethnic Cleansing of Vespuccia had raised a billion dollars for Officer Bashtard's defense fund, money he is now taking with him to Bermuda, most of which went into a down payment on a 20 story mansion made entirely of platinum. It is said to be so bright that you can literally see it from the moon; our contacts in New Luna - the capitol city of the moon - have confirmed this. In fact, there is even a 30-foot tall carbon nanotube wall around the mansion, because without it, the mansion is so bright that it catches the neighboring environments and cities on fire with the intensity of its light, and Officer Bashtard has enough money already without adding "genocide by fire" to his list of crimes.
But perhaps nobody is more upset at all this fuss than President Chortle Squadhammer, the half-black, half-Vampire President of Vespuccia, whose first act as President 7 years ago was to declare National Racism Is Officially Dead Month. But we wouldn't know for sure, as President Squadhammer's only official response was to condemn the riots, saying, "the only justifications for violence are drinking the blood of the poor, nuking third world countries for oil, and cutting off the hands of third-world children who don't work hard enough picking cocoa beans." Well, Mr. President, we here at Ye Olde Goldyn Appyl Presse declare 2014 to be National Racism Is Officially UnDead Year.
PS: There are Vampires outside the door to our storage unit, and we are afraid. Please send garlic and Garth Brooks CD's via Owl Post to 2342 Stoat Boat Shoal, New Dover City, Texarkansasoma, USV 43449, as Vampires are physically harmed by Garth Brooks's music.
(1) = Please see last month's article about Mr. Gargleford Nugget's lawsuit, "Nugget Vs ViewCube," wherein he sued ViewCube for claiming they had a copyright on Mr. Nugget's face, and that he could not film himself without their permission, a case he lost. ViewCube, a once massively popular online video service, is now filled entirely with videos by ViewCube employees of them making fart jokes and reading private emails sent via SqueeMail, the free email service offered by ViewCube's parent company, Bajillion.
(2) = On that note, we apologize that gwn.yeoldegoldynappylpresse.nws has been replaced with an image of a dancing gerbil giving everyone The Finger, but the Internet was recently bought by Mr. Rufus Moneybags, and he has banned us from the Internet. This is why your subscription has had to be delivered to your window via Owl Post, as Mr. Moneybags does not believe in wizards to such a degree that a wizard could literally turn his son into a toad in front of his eyes and he would see neither the wizard nor the transformation (and would probably stomp on the toad), and so has not been able to buy out wizarding communication networks.
