oh hey look it's another 'ashen vents about her mother, boy this chick has issues' post! but as I literally don't have anywhere else to vent to, excuse me while i scream into the void. (I can't vent in therapy bc it is teletherapy and so my mother can probably hear me.) (why yes I would love to move out but the rent is too damn high and I don't want to live with randos. (am I the only one that thinks the roommate system is weird???) I'll stick to the weirdness I know thanks.)
look I'll even be nice and put my venting under a cut.
actually my roommate thoughts kind of got me sidetracked. anyway.
so earlier today my mom asked me about hocus pocus 2. If it was only on d+, if it was elsewhere, etc etc. Now I thought this meant she wanted to watch it with me, because she mentioned something like 'we could watch it'. Cool beans. So I go up to ask her something tonight, and she's halfway through HP2. And I'm like 'I thought you wanted to watch it together!!'
And I was a little upset. Not a LOT upset, but like 'ugh, that's rude' sort of upset. As I said, I thought she wanted to watch it together. and maybe it's just me, but I still haven't finished the first season of Jodi Wittakers run of the doctor because I told a friend we'd watch doctor who together. So like... I guess I take the 'watch something together' sort of seriously. (Is this a neurodivergent thing? is this something my friend is going to add to their stockpile of 'ashen is actually autistic' things?)
Anyway, so I said out loud "Is that...? I thought we were going to watch it together?!" and she tells me 'I didn't know you wanted to watch it!' because... I agreed that yeah, her husband could find it elsewhere on the interwebs so I wasn't going to look into it??? I'm sorry, what?
But like she was like 'well i can start it over I don't mind'
and maybe i should have taken that at face value and just said yes. but I didn't want to watch it tonight and she was already halfway through. I don't (usually) want to restart something I'm halfway through for someone else. maybe thats a bias.
And so I say 'no you're already more than halfway through-"
"I'm not more than halfway, I'm halfway."
"-ok you're halfway through so I don't want you to restart."
"Well you're obviously really upset."
"I am not really upset, I am a little upset since I thought you wanted to watch it together..."
and by this point she had taken off her headphones and looked like i killed her dog. I wasn't yelling, I wasn't even blaming her (even though she was like 'well weren't you asleep?' like no, actually, I did nap but it was only an hour and I've been downstairs and you could have checked.)
so now she is upset at me and I will probably find out I ruined her movie (ok this last one I'm possibly projecting or catastrophizing.)
AND THIS IS SO DUMB
And now I feel guilty that I made her upset. AND ALSO I don't care that she is upset, because that just seems to be her default state lately?? And part of me knows that's a shitty thing to feel, so I feel guilty about that.
Y/N can't help but feel sad when she sees goes through the pictures in her phone. She hadn't had the heart to delete them all, all their memories, and now she was kind of paying for it – by having to relive each and every memory behind each of the photos that she had with Luke, or just of Luke by himself.
(And what she's doing reminds her of fucking Amnesia and it's not really helping because she used to hear him rehearsing the acoustic version, without the boys, since he wanted to make sure that his voice didn't crack as much as it normally would during the live shows of said song. Then when he notices that she's silently watching him, he'll make grabby hands towards her and practically beg for her to not leave him because he doesn't want to feel that pain again, though he said he knew it would hurt so much more if she was to ever leave him.)
She keeps going through her pictures, ignoring the pang in her heart as she remembers particularly fond memories. Like the photo in which she's taking a selfie with him and he's not looking at the camera, he's just looking at her. He's got a smile on his face and his eyes are bright and practically shining and while she exited the camera app to go to reply a text from her mum that she'd gotten, he'd blurted out that he loved her for the first time. Memories like that, they're the best but they're also the worst.
Life was pretty unfair sometimes. For quite a while, she actually thought that she and Luke were in it for the long run. Guess she was wrong.
A sigh escapes her lips as she locks her phone and set it down beside her. This was the first time in a week that she was proper alone. Her friends hadn't left her alone for long, after the break-up, but really, she was fine. She wasn't going to, like, stop functioning. Like she'd mentioned before, she was fine without him. She didn't need him to survive, but she sure as hell would want him by her side to carry on with the rest of her life. But again: life was unfair, wasn't it?
Y/N pulls on a pair of proper shoes then, walking out of the house with hands buried in the front pockets of her jeans. She just needs a walk. Clear her head, and all that. But of course, all she can think about is LukeLukeLuke because she's in love with him and she needs to get over him, but she doesn't want to. She walks with no particular destination in mind and of course she ends up at the garden/park thing that they used to hang out at. Purely out of habit, she makes her way to the bench right at the end, settling down onto it and then tilting her head back so that her body's slouched and she's looking at the stars.
She hears footsteps. Footsteps coming closer to her, and then someone's sitting next to her. Y/N knows she should be scared, but she isn't – because she knows it's him. She recognises his cologne anywhere.
"What are you doing here?" Y/N finally asks after they're just sitting in silence – Y/N staring at the night sky and him sitting in silence next to her.
"Just knew I'd find you here," he eventually mumbles in reply.
She finally turns to look at him, sighing tiredly. And okay, maybe the sight of Luke right there should soften her up a little but she's fully convinced that he doesn't love her anymore, so why should she put herself through this torture?
But if he doesn't love you anymore then why are there bags under his eyes, why don't his eyes shine as bright, why does he look so hopeless?
Y/N shakes her subtly, carding her fingers through her hair. "What do you want, Luke?" She asks quietly.
"I just – " he starts, only to cut himself off abruptly. He shakes his head, sighing.
She looks at him. Doesn't say anything. Just waits for him to continue talking. But he doesn't. He just stays silent, fiddling with his fingers in his lap and messing with his lip ring. Y/N sighs, getting to her feet. The movement makes Luke look up, eyes wide, and he opens his mouth to say something but Y/N's shaking her head silently.
"I meant it when I said I was done with you. I can't take it anymore, Luke. I get it," she says and her voice cracks. "I get that you don't love me anymore, so I'm trying to let go of you and move on. For my sake, please, please, please... Leave me alone," she almost begs, voice thick and she can feel her eyes start to water but she refuses to cry.
"What?" Luke breathes out almost incredulously. He gets up from the bench, brows furrowing tightly. "Who told you that? Who told you that I don't love you anymore?"
Y/N smiles, and it's more of a spiteful smile more than anything. "You did," she says monotonously. "The ignoring me for no goddamn reason, treating me like I'm nothing even when you got back. I'm not an idiot, Luke."
"You don't get it," Luke says bitterly after he's silent for a brief moment.
Y/N almost laughs, "Don't get what? That you obviously feel nothing for me anymore? That's why you pick the dumbest of fights with me whenever you can, and then fucking ignore me even when I try to fix what's left of this fucked up situation? That – "
"You don't know what it's like, Y/N!" Luke almost yells as he interrupts her, hands going up to tug at his hair in frustration.
"What's what like?" She asks tiredly, and she's not shouting because she's tired and she doesn't want to fight anymore.
"What it's like to be so fucking terrified of losing the girl that you love because of how you're never there for her!" He yells it out this time. Proper yells it out, making Y/N flinch back a step. "You don't know what it's like, to have people – the dudes that just hate you and your band for no fucking reason, – tell you that you're no good for your girlfriend. That she's probably so much better off with them," he spits out the word, "– and to not have a fucking argument to that because you know that they're right and that your girlfriend could do so much better than you because she's so beautiful and kind and perfect and smart, and you're just this dumb kid caught up in big dreams that will one day fall short and you're never home and sometimes you want to call her and tell her how much you love her but you don't because the thoughts of those fucking assholes telling you that you should just stop trying overpower your mind and –" he cuts himself off, and it's not because he's done with his rant.
It's because he's crying. He's actually full-fledged crying, tears streaming down either sides of his cheeks and his nose is reddening and he's sniffling and Y/N feels her heart crack at the sight of it. She takes a step forward, and Luke doesn't see her move, because he's so preoccupied with wiping at his eyes – as though to get rid of any evidence that he'd been crying.
"You don't know what it's like to go to all these awesome places and see awesome things and want to turn and share it with your girlfriend, only you can't because she's not there and she's at the other side of the world. You don't know what it's like to see couples at the shows, the dudes with their arms wrapped around their girls and stealing kisses and being all cute and shit, like how we should be able to be. You don't fucking know what it's like to know that at the end of the day, even when you tell yourself that you should let your girlfriend move on because she could get any guy she wants, you can't because you love her so much and you know that you'll never be able to fucking let her go. You don't know what it's like to cry yourself to sleep because everything's too much and the only person who feels like home is thousands of miles away."
He takes in a deep, shaky breath, and he looks up again, mouth open and ready to say something else but Y/N doesn't let him do so, instead wrapping her arms around his waist and pulling him close.
"I know what it's like, Luke. I know what it's like," she says shakily, letting a stray tear run down her cheek. And then she's leaning in, pulling her body impossibly closer to his and pressing her open lips onto his.
Luke pauses, but then he's kissing her back wildly, arms winding tight around her. He kissed her like she was air, and he couldn't breathe. He kissed her like it was the last thing he'd ever do. He kissed her like he was silently apologising for being an ass for the past how long, without using words. He kissed her like she was mending his broken heart, like he was mending her broken heart.
"I'm sorry," he almost sobs, not taking his lips away from hers. He's cradling her head in his arms and holding her so tightly that he might even be cutting off her oxygen supply, but then she's hugging him back as tightly and a few stray tears make their way down his cheeks once more. "I'm sorry, Y/N. I'm sorry. Please take me back. Please."
"I love you," Y/N breathes out against his lips, pressing her lips onto his once. "I love you, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
"Why're you sorry?" He asks through a tired laugh, "You've nothing to be sorry for."
"Should've put in more effort," she mumbles guiltily, looking down at their shoes.
"Hey," Luke says softly, using his fingers to tilt her chin up to look at him. He frowns at the sight of another tear dripping out of the corner of her eyes, using his thumb to wipe it away. "If it's anyone's fault, it's mine. And I'm sorry. I promise I won't be a dick again. I love you too much to be able to lose you again. I can't promise a smooth ride, a perfect relationship, and I can't promise that things won't be broken. But I swear that I will never leave."
Y/N looks at him, a small half-smile on her lips. "Stop quoting Sleeping With Sirens."
"Fuck," Luke curses, pouting his bottom lip a bit. "You noticed? I was hoping you wouldn't notice."
She laughs then, shaking her head in amusement. "Just kiss me, you dork."
"But goddamn, you love me, anyway," Luke laughs lightly, still sniffling.
"And now you're quoting Panic! At The Disco. Really?"
"Stop noticing my song quotations! I'm trying to be cute and you're ruining it!" Then Luke leans in and kisses her whilst she's still laughing lightly, even though just seconds prior, they were both upset and hurt and crying. But he kisses her and kisses her again, and then he kisses her some more, because there is no better taste than the taste of someone's laugh in your mouth – and Y/N's laugh? Y/N's laugh has got the best taste he's ever had in his entire life.
And it's all his.
A/N: [ unedited ] hey i actually like how this turned out which is a first since i tend to hate almost every other thing i write hahahahahaaha okay cool thanks for reading goodbye
