does anyone else find themselves randomly worrying about Haruka Nanase's mental health, like that boy is fucked up let's not play around okay he needs help
because I was watching Shingeki no Kyojin in the midst of all this Pacific Rim stuff, my first reaction was "just build giant robots to fight them!" and then I was like
My sister has requested that I post the following piece of writing. It is basically a super-cracky, pseudo-parody of a Lochte/Phelps fanfiction written by four different people, none of whom actually read fanfiction very often. It's kind of really hilarious (to me, at least).
I have made for them ye standard fanfic heading:
Title: Teamate, Friend, Lover
Pairing: Ryan Locthe/Michael Phelps
Author(s): Emily Jane Rosenbloom, Alice Jane Crumpetbottom, Meriwether Tea Cup, Angelica Elizabeth Victoria William Butterfields III
Rating: M
Word Count: ~2100
Warnings: RPF, extreme crack, general lack of knowledge about how gay sex works, use of phrases such as "pulsating stick"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Hello, I need 30 condoms.” Ryan Lochte exclaimed, approaching the information desk at the Olympic Village Health Center.
“I’m sorry sir, we can only offer five on each day.” A frumpy middle aged British woman wearing a glaringly pink sweater responded.
Ryan Lochte found it off putting to have to get his sex gear from such a badly dressed and utterly unsexy women (more unsexy than he usually found them), but his insatiable horniness made him persist.
“Ma’am. Look at me. Five is not enough.”
The woman raised a single eyebrow skeptically. “It is not humanly possible to use five condoms in a single night. I know: I’m a specialist.”
Ryan rolled his eyes as he walked away. If she wasn’t going to let him have 30 condoms, Michael would be extremely angry. And he couldn’t have that, not before that afternoon’s race—he’d just have to find another way to get them.
He turned on his heel, strode confidently towards the desk, and rested his burly forearms casually in front of her. “Is it humanly possible to use five condoms in a single night if two parties are involved?” He flashed his most winning smile at her.
“Hitting on me won’t work.” The woman frowned. “Do you know how many of you athletes have tried that on me tonight alone?”
”Oh I’m sure that happens quite a bit miss, you are unweildingly sexy. I’m sure this ‘hard to get’ thing you have there just gets the athletes going even more.” Ryan was persistent. This night was more important than most. Not just to him, to Michael too.
The woman in the front desk was blushing; she didn’t usually go for the athletes, but there was something about this one. “Well… if you really need these condoms you’re going to need to show me how much you want them.”
Ryan raised his eyebrows, so it was going to take more than flirting to get what he wanted. “Okay miss, get ready for me to make a splash” Ryan had to think hard to get his dick up, this woman just wasn’t doing it for him. He thought of Michael’s warm embrace and his soft, toned bottom.
Ryan threw the secretary over the desk and then, his pulsing stick was inside of her. Ryan couldn’t stop thinking about Michael, he felt a little guilty but knew that they weren’t official yet, that was what tonight was about. All of a sudden he was yelling “Michael! Michael!”
The secretary pushed him out of her, and looked at him, confused. Ryan was embarrassed, no one was supposed to know, not yet. Not tonight. Ryan pulled on his pants and ran out of the office after grabbing the thirty condoms. As he ran down the hall the secretary watched his tush move back and forth and thought “I’m glad his cock wasn’t pruny and shriveled like my fingers after a long bath.”
As Ryan sauntered away, he smirked proudly at his accomplishment and stuffed all the condoms in his pants so no one could see them as they walked by. He was so dang flabbing happy that his smile nearly split his face in two, and people gave him strange looks in the halls, but he didn’t care. All he could think about was Michael’s beautiful face lighting up when he saw his good seductive skills put to use to snatch up all the condoms he had ordered.
He did a few backflips for good measure, and accidentally kicked Thiago Pereira in the face.
“WHAT THE FRENCH TOAST WITH A SIDE OF BACON!?” Thiago screeched in a foreign language, and punched him in the face and walked away angrily, satisfied.
Ryan landed on the floor with a THUD. When he looked up, he noticed in the corner, obscured by the dim lighting, two shadowy figures. When he squinted, he realized it was the two announcers who looked particularly gay from the beginning. They were making out passionately and aggressively, and they didn’t notice him there. Ryan stalled just long enough to whisper, “I knew it,” into the silence, before he rushed out as quickly and quietly as the night wind.
Finally, he made it back to Michael’s room. It was time. He knocked tentatively a few times, and he heard Michael on the other side rushing to answer. He was expecting him.
Michael smiled deviously as the door that separated them opened and Ryan felt his whole body relax. Michael always made him feel at home. Michael was already wearing his spandex speedo, it gloriously clutching his bulging package. Michael pulled Ryan into his room by the edge of Nike track suit, and slammed the door shut with a very appropriate bang.
“Ryan, already? I can’t be sore for the race tonight, but I suppose…” Michael tried to protest, but Ryan slammed his warm, crooked lips over his mouth.
“You’re face has been swimming in my mind all week” Ryan whispered, running his lips down all six of Michael’s packs.
His first attempt at de-speedoing Michael failed, the latex smacking back against his legendary arse. He managed to pull it off from around Michael’s feet. It is true about what they say.
“I call this the penis stroke,” Ryan said, popping out his grill and raising his mouth to Michae’ls gargantuan bare penis, “because I never liked breasts anyways.”
Michael leaned into it with the bottom half of his prize-winning torso.
“Unfgarglesplurfgoldmedalsdaf.” Michael moaned as Ryan was finishing up.
While Ryan may not be able to live up to expectations in the swimming pool, he certainly had other talents to pick up the slack.
Ryan swallowed the cum of a fourteen gold-medal winning Olympian with a satisfied, thumping gulp. Michael shook his arms to off the last of his orgasmic energy, his thunderous chest muscles rippling like a pool with a really good butterfly swimmer making headway.
Michael pulled up his speedo, and gave Ryan one last lingering kiss before opening the hotel door.
As they walked down to the Olympic swimming pool, one announcer boldly declared, “It’s nice to see two world-class athletes getting on so well.”
As Ryan mounted the starting block, he felt Michael’s fingers brush against his lower back—their last touch before the race. “That was for luck,” Michael whispered, too low for the myriad cameras to pick up. Hopefully there were no lip-readers in the audience. Ryan splashed his face to clear his mind: he needed to be focused for the big race. But the word big—his mind wandered into the realm of Michael’s body again. The first beep pulled him back to reality; at the second, he readied himself for his entrance into the water.
The starting whistle blew. Immediately, eight swimmers thrust themselves into the water. White foam rippled across the pool. Bodies were pulsating in unison, arms and backs flexing rhythmically, propelling themselves towards their goal: the overwhelming pleasure of finishing, and the promise of a tangible, reprehensible reward.
Every time Ryan stroked on his left side, Michael’s glistening shoulder blades caught his eye—the glaring lights caught in the water droplets, perfectly emphasizing his firm muscles.
But the physical exertion overcame his distraction. Faster, faster—and, after a moment, the intensity subsided. Ryan surfaced, and his eyes instinctively darted to Michael first—a shy, hopeful smile was exchanged—and then to the scoreboard. He recognized his own name next to a phallic number one, and following it, two names which did not raise that familiar feeling of excitement in his stomach. Disappointment fell over him as he realized that Michael had come in fourth; he was rushed to the podium, and a gold medal was thrust over his shoulders. He had expected to feel exhilarated after winning his first Olympic gold, but instead his excitement was overshadowed by guilt, for seizing perfection from his best friend. But, as he caught a glimpse of Michael’s devious smile in the crowd below, he realized that tonight would be a night of sexual consolation.
* * *
There was a knock on the thick lumber of Ryan’s hotel room. He had been lying on his bed absentmindedly stroking his own long torso thinking about earlier that day before the race. He jumped off his bed and bolted to the door and thrusted it open. Michael was standing there looking sexier than Ryan had ever seen him. Michael smirked at Ryan, knowing what would be happening this evening.
“I was worried you weren’t coming.” Ryan said to Michael as he walked past into the room.
“Ryan, I wouldn’t miss coming with you for the world.” Michael sprawled across Ryan’s bed and positioned himself into a sexy pose, placing one hand behind his head and the other on his thigh, spreading his legs.
“Look, Michael before we do anything, I want you to know that it should have been you, you should have gotten–“
“Ryan, stop that and come lie next to me, you deserve it and I refuse to listen to any more of that nonsense.” Ryan was reassured. He went over to his iHome and turned on both men’s favorite artist, Lil’ Wayne. Ryan threw himself onto the bed next to Michael. Michael reached over to the bed side table and picked up Ryan’s shining gold medal and placed it around Ryan’s neck. They smiled for a moment and Ryan was holding Michael’s face to his and they were kissing, tongues slipping in and out of each other’s mouths.
“God Ryan, I’ve never kissed anyone who can kiss like you.”
“Well, you found out this morning just how talented my mouth can be. Just wait until you see what the rest of my body can do.” Ryan was smirking and running his hands down every inch of Michael’s body, slowly stripping him of his clothes. Soon they were naked, junk erect. Michael was holding onto the headboard and Ryan was shoving his penis in and out of Michael, doggy style, as his gold medal slapped against Michael’s skin. Their bodies were moving to the melodic tune of Lil’ Wayne, completely in sync.
“I call this the doggy paddle” Ryan whispered to Michael.
“I don’t need your commentary Ryan, just go faster, faster!” Both of the Olympic athletes were moaning in ecstasy. Ryan came harder than he had ever come before.
The athletes parted and just held each other for a while. “Would you like a go?” Ryan asked Michael, trying not to be selfish.
“No, Ryan, this is your night. We’ll have forever to get each other up.” Michael smirked yet again at his teammate, his friend, and his lover.
Ryan smiled and snuggled closer to Michael. They lay there for a moment in contented silence. Michael cuddled closely to Ryan’s back and he felt him melt in his arms. He closed his eyes and breathed in the chlorine-scented perfection.
Ryan pulled the covers over them and found the remote at the corner of the nightstand. “Hey, dude, wanna see what’s on TV?” he asked pensively.
Michael shrugged noncommittally. “Yeah, sure, I guess… as long as we keep cuddling.” He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.
“Of course,” Ryan smirked and gave him a quick kiss.
The TV turned on and How to Train Your Dragon was playing. It was halfway through, at the part where Astrid and Hiccup were on their romantic flight.
“I love this part,” Ryan whispered so quietly that Michael almost didn’t hear it.
Michael looked over at Ryan lovingly. “You are so cute when you watch cartoons.”
Ryan nudged Michael teasingly. “You’ve never seen me watch cartoons before.”
Michael laughed, “But now that I have… I love it.”
They were submerged in silence once again, as they attentively watched the movie and were absorbed into the plot. Michael wrapped his arms even tighter around Ryan’s chest. They were so close, it was hard to tell where one person ended and the other began. Once the movie ended, they were still up for some more, and flipped the channel to BBC, since they were in London and that’s what British people watch, so why not?? A show called Merlin was on, and they had never heard of it, but they watched it anyways… because they were in London.
They soon began to feel drowsy and the TV was turned off. They turned to face each other and stared deeply into each other’s eyes until they could not keep their eyes open any longer. Michael was the first to fall asleep.
Ryan smiled and caressed his peaceful face. He kissed his temple and settled down next to him, nesting himself close to Michael’s hairless chest. It was the perfect night, and he couldn’t wait to do it again tomorrow, which he was counting on after the races.
