facts === Eleanor [Kel] | senior in high school | likes writing, design, dance & music | isn’t always able to take a hint | sometimes over-apologizes |
availability === 1-2 hours daily(?)
==request & fic info==
group content choices === ENHYPEN OT7 | TREASURE OT12
genre content choices === fluff | angst | fantasy | smau in the future |
genres not accepted === smut | yandere (see important notices)
==IMPORTANT NOTICES==
==This writer does NOT take requests for smut!
==This writer does NOT take requests for yandere!
==This writer does NOT take requests for yandere themes such as kidnapping, forced abortion/pregnancy, mental disorders, or intense gore!
-warning: short story angst. Sad realization and mentions of death.
The small home was buzzing with warmth and life. Rose chatting away nonstop as Lyra cooked in their kitchen. It was nice. But Kiara sat in her chair by the window deep in thought. Her eyes flicking back to her sister before just as quickly looking away.
See, the older fae had noticed something about Lyra. Something that troubled her. Kiara watched as her sister laughed and… there. As she moved a single hair shown silver. It was only one strand of hair and it shook Kiara to her core.
When Rose had pointed it out, they both laughed and she teased about Lyra getting old. And that’s when the truth really hit the fae.
Her sister was aging.
Aging slower than a human but faster than if she was a full fae. Faster than Kiara would. Her younger sister would grow old before the ice fae ever got a silver hair.
Kiara felt for the first time cold as realization washed over her. Eyes going to Rose. Rose would die before both of them. She was aging as a normal human. How would Lyra handle that? How would Kiara take care of her in that sorrow? Knowing that she herself would experience it one day?
What would she do? Could she stay and watch as her sister grew old? Watch as her body slowly dies? The grip on the armrest tightened. Kiara wouldn’t abandon her sister. Never. She’d be beside her.
But what after? When she was gone… what would she do? Life without her little sister seemed impossible. What was winter without spring to look forward to?
“Kiara? Deirfiúr mór? You okay?” Kiara snapped back to reality to see Lyra watching her worriedly. Nodding she attempted a small smile. The smile she got in returned warmed her heart.
“Yes. I’m alright, deirfiúr bheag.” Reaching up she tucked Lyra’s hair behind her ear. Including the silver strand.
Yes. Her sister would grow old. But there were many years left. And Kiara would not miss a second of it.
At first it was just like muscle memory. The ax would appear in his hand when he was fighting or training. Luen couldn’t use it, the size was too great for him and the weapon too unyielding for the style of fighting that he was trained in. He would set it aside and it would disappear...but it always came back.
With it came memories.
Little flashes at first. Bright red and slashing sounds second. One day though...they came at once. He didn’t want to remember. He didn’t want the pain, the blood, the satisfaction that came with causing everything that he had done.
One day, he just curled up and let everything flood into his mind, let everything hit him at once. He dropped to the ground, wrapped his arms around his knees, buried his face down and endured it all. Everything he had done over the billions of years of brutality and violence. The unmerciful acts and disregard for life, much less innocence, that he had committed.
Tears weren’t a suitable apology to all the beings he had killed and families that he had destroyed. He lifted his head, eyes wide and red as he glanced down at his trembling hands.
How were they not still stained red? Not calloused and blistered from holding that bloody damned ax...he could feel the familiar weight of his horseman armor on his body still, the leather greaves hot against his shins as his fires raged on the battlefield around him, consuming the bodies of the thousands...hundreds of thousands...millions that he had killed over time.
ugh so i'm feeling really anxious right now and while i can pin it down to two reasons neither one is worth being anxious about and i know that but my stomach hurts and i'm having some minor trouble breathing and i texted my best friend about one of them but he was like that's the silliest thing to get anxious about just calm down and think about it and i'm just like WOW THAT'S NOT HELPFUL
ugh this is stupid i know this is stupid i'm trying to just calm down but fuck i can't breathe properly ugh i hate this i hate this i hate this
and that awful feeling's back, that uncomfortable sensation that's a little too close to feeling sick and a little too close to anticipation and a little too close to despair. and it's been there all day even though today was a good day and i don't know why and i just want it to go away and i just want eli to come home already and i'm so sick of feeling lost and miserable and scared and i just don't understand at all how things can be so bad even when they aren't and i just want it to stop
but i don't know maybe i don't because i don't know anything else and i don't know how to be happy and the very idea of it absolutely terrifies me and there's just something so comfortable about this even as much as i hate it
i don't understand and i'm just so confused and scared and tense and miserable and ugh i just feel so lost
any idea of myself that i was really sure of is so far gone and what i have is what i'm slowly getting rid of so all i'm left with is this tight knotted feeling in my stomach that i just don't know what to do with
i kind of...don't think i'm doing too well right now? i mean, obvs things have been bad for months (i hate to admit it but possibly years), but there have also been ups and downs to a certain extent and i can always tell when things are getting bad, even if i am always a bit removed from my own emotions. and right now, yes, things are getting bad - i don't want to do anything, even things like hanging out with my friends, i don't even want to get up in the morning, i'm breaking down regularly, and i can't force myself to do even the things that i absolutelyneed to do. right now, things are bad.
but the weird thing is, occasionally in the past couple weeks i've felt happier than i have in a long time? and that doesn't even make sense, because i'm miserable and even when i feel kind of okay i'm tired and listless and sort of just going through the motions and i'm scared - even when i feel better than ever, i'm scared because i'm terrified of actually being okay for once - i just plain don't know how. so it doesn't make sense and it's confusing and just makes the bad feel worse and i don't know what i'm supposed to do because things are so bad right now, but i'm ignoring it/denying it even more than ever and i just can't deal with this stupid twisted up feeling that's become a constant presence, like i'm stuck in the middle of a slow motion breakdown and can barely just keep from crying out.
