Trying To Remember

Who was I before you?

[taintsrow]

Happy holidays, dear one.

[taintsrow]

I still think of you sometimes.

It's much quieter now. There's no pain anymore. But I'd be lying if I said I don't reminisce. And yes, miss you.

I wish so many things had been different in my life. But honestly...I guess I just wish I hadn't ever lived at all. I just don't see a point. Don't see a reason. We're all just...waiting to die.

I dunno. I just happened to think of you. Miss you a lot. Hope you're well.

[taintsrow]

I'm 29 today. I never planned to live past 25.

If I hadn't, I wouldn't have met you.

If I hadn't, I wouldn't have lost you.

I dunno if I wanna see 30.

[taintsrow]

Just continuing until I continucan't.

[taintsrow]

At this point I think I need to just admit that I'm fucking broken. I wish I knew where to go from here.

[taintsrow]

Every time I think I'm gonna be okay, you visit in a dream.

[taintsrow]

I don't want to do any of this anymore.

[taintsrow]

Without her, the world is quiet.

Not in a good way, like the calm after a storm. It's dampened, muted. Muffled.

I'm constantly aware of the dissonance. I feel like I'm walking through a vapor. I feel alone. Cut off.

I miss her. Can't help it. I've tried to move on. Forget. Heal. And to some small degree, I have. But I don't think I'll forget her. I don't think I'll stop missing her. Even when I'm grey and old, I'll still have a fond, wishful thought of her turning up and taking me into her arms.

I think I missed my chance at happiness. Which. I mean. Par for the course.

But damn. What I wouldn't give for another chance.

[taintsrow]

Right now, in this moment, this place, this exact point in time, I would love nothing more than to know that tomorrow will not exist.

[taintsrow]

Sometimes I just feel like a dandelion in December.

[taintsrow]

There's a scar on my soul

So let me down easy

Break my heart sweetly

Like you always do

[taintsrow]

https://open.spotify.com/track/0iDc30Rjy3ej4mx6tItfsP?si=bs3_r9WDTOGv_7VpDStn7A

[taintsrow]

All I want is one more chance.

[taintsrow]

I can't sleep. I want to. But I can't. Every time I close my eyes I remember something else I've been trying to forget.

I'm a stranger in my own skin. I feel like my soul, or essence, or whatever the fuck it is that is my consciousness, is trying to pull away. It was so real the other night that I stumbled on the sidewalk because I wasn't sure my foot was my foot.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if I even want to.

I miss you, though. Wish I could go back a few years. Live it again. Remember. I dunno.

[taintsrow]

I honestly just wish I could talk to her, the way we used to. I know it's silly. It's been so long. So many days, months, and miles between us now.

I've never truly wished I could take something back. I've regretted things, sure, but...never enough to really think "I wish I could go back."

But I do now. I wish I could go back and just do it all again. Slap that version of myself in the face and say "never let her go unless she asks you to." I don't think I'll ever forgive myself. Such an idiot. So self absorbed. Trying to "fix myself" when all I had to do was see what was right in front of me.

I miss her. Every day. It's been...fuck. Two years since I saw her. 18 months since she called me to gently tell me she was happy, and taken, and...well. It wasn't said, but the message was clear. "If you respect me, please let it all be done."

And so I cut ties to keep from reaching out and endangering her happiness when I got sad. I was so fucking stupid I didn't even realize why I was crying. At no point did I think "you dumb fuck, you love her." I didn't deserve to love her, so I wouldn't admit to myself that I did.

I was such an idiot. I wish I could take it all back.

But I can't. That's the tragedy of existence, you know? You lose things. You lose people. You lose the memories. The cadence. The rhythm, the words, the melody that comes with being truly intimate with another soul. It all leaves eventually. And all you're left with is the realization that part of you left with it, and it's never gonna come back.

It's never gonna come back. You fuckin' idiot.

She's never gonna come back.

This is your fault, you know. There's nowhere else to lay the blame besides at your own stupid feet. Count yourself lucky you were allowed to exist within the circle of her arms for any period of time at all.

Remember her. And remember you. Remember the way you felt.

And remember that you are the single, solitary reason that it'll never be like that ever again.

One of these days, nobody will depend on you anymore. You just have to make it until you don't have to pretend anymore. You can do it. Survival is all you've ever been good for, so be fuckin' good at it.

Fuck.

[taintsrow]

I wish that I could find the words. Some magical, mystical set of words that precisely describes how I feel. I mean, how many times can someone sing "I wanna die" instead of "I saw the sign?"

I used to be good at talking. I could tell you exactly what I wanted to say and make you...feel something. I used to be able to do that. Now I just feel like a toddler banging on a table with a spoon. Just making noise, hoping someone will smile in my direction.

I'm not ready to die yet. But fuck, man. I'm not prepared to live, either. I'm miserable more days than I'm not, and I'm trying really hard to fix that, but I just don't think my brain is fixable.

The only time I felt like my head made sense was when she was around. But face it, dude. She's been gone for 2 years, and it's your fault. So just shut the fuck up and deal, you know? Move on.

Sounds easy. Hard to do.

Oh well. At least if nobody's around, there's nobody to disappoint.

[taintsrow]

I know the last thing that you need

Is a broken-hearted white boy

Writing songs about the girl who got away.

I understand I'm just a trope

Near the ending of my rope

There's no punchline that can come and save the day.

It's me, myself, and I out here

And I don't know what I am doin'

In this big old world, all alone.

Searching for the answers to complicated questions

And the numbers that I need are all unknown.

So yes, I know that you don't need

Another broken-hearted white boy

Thinking of a girl from yesterday.

Yes, I know I'm just a joke.

What happened to my rope?

There's no punchline that can take this all away.