Growing stronger since 1991

This is a publicly private journal I seem to only remember to use when I'm feeling down.. promise I'm not that sad.. but this is probably a cry for help that I am most likely to run away from ... "nothing haunts us like the things we don't say " -Mitch Albom

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Taking a deep sigh because why won't he just talk to me?

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Fuuuuuuck... I need to get laid 😭

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I should not be spending money rn but I am definitely spending $15 on that spicy audio book tonight.

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party in aisle 15

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Aaauuuuuughhhhh

Marry me already so we can fuck untill I pass out and wake up to you making love to me 😩😩

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I'm baffled... He is probably 20 now, but I worked with him when he was 18 and we did NOT have that kind of relationship.. this was so out of the blue, and as flattered as I am I haven't sent nudes to anyone since I was in highschool............ I'd rather sell them to strangers on the Internet than to someone who has contacts with people I work with anyways

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I'm so confused, and I hate myself, and I really really don't want to be alive and I really really hope that if there is a life after death that it's better than this.

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2 week heal progress check:

the amount of photos I took to get a cute angle/shadow/scarifittoo/shorts/pudge combo for an online trauma dump journal that doesn't see the light of day was actually stupid.... The first one on the right was actually just fine... I really wanted the white trim in the photo though °_°;

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I don't know... There must be something wrong.. is it me?... Is it me?... What else could it be?

I wish I was okay.

But people turn their backs on me all the time.

I think for a moment it's going to be okay.

That maybe there is someone who might like me, just want me around, not use me, accept me, maybe not understand but be forgiving..

I promise I only want to help and I don't mean anything bad by my actions or words...

People don't like me though. I'm up front and slightly crass.. I don't sugar coat shitty shot or lie to make someone feel better... I don't belong.

I want to belong somewhere.

I hope soon.

I hope I am not despisable.. people don't hate me right now............. I've felt that before.. this is not that. Most just don't like me.

I feel like a long sword is slowly being pushed into my soul.

I hope it kills me soon.

I'm turning into a stone, and I don't have the strength to wait 100 years for a worthy being to be able to pull it out.

I'm scared I'm going to become cold soon, just not let anyone in anymore.

Just get done what I need to do to have my necessities taken care of.

When did I.....

How long has it been... What was the first time?

Was it the laughter incident? The carnival maybe? I think the first time I felt completely alone might have been after the county fair... But maybe the mud pies was the first, but I remember I think I might have been with a friend for that.... It might have been after the carnival......... But then again I'm starting to remember earlier times... But... I think I was oblivious to what the feeling was at those times. No words to explain, just acceptance that it was happening.. had to have been five or six maybe? No later than eight... Did people like me back then? I don't know... There wasn't anyone really my age when we lived in the condo... Did I feel this way when Mom moved us to this state?.... No... I don't think so... But three is a very early age to remember... Still...

Did I feel empty back then? I know I didn't really feel alone... But j think I remember it feeling empty. I wanted attention, but didn't know how to get it... When I got it it was sort of awkward..

I don't know...

I know, though, I really don't think I want to be living right now. I'm stressed, and tired of fighting for closeness, I'm so tired of everything... I haven't really done anything for a week now other than going to work... I need to take my dog out on a walk and clean up the back yard... I'm tired... It'd take effort to get to sleep though

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I'm very lonely.

[taigalovespusheen]

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I want to be dead though. Life hurts a lot. I don't like pain like that.

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The only hope right now is that I'll find someone to share and enjoy life with for the rest of our lives.. and also to get out of the food industry. This shits killing me.

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Reminder: he doesn't like me

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I learned that pain medicine also helps alleviate mental pain or social stress or something... Seems obvious right, but there's science to back it up too... I only take ibuprofen when I need it now and sometimes the occasional extra strength Tylenol if my neck gets that bad, but right now i would love to down an entire bottle

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bidwtgtbiwtsulagr

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...when was the last time I held someone's hand? I don't remember what it feels like to have a hand in mine.