Take This Beat Down

I Make Hip Hop Music. Soulful, Jazz Influenced. My Website

[takethisbeatdown]

You Have to Be Crooked...sorry.

This may sound crazy to some but I am convinced to get a head in this world you have to be crooked.  Does that mean that I condone illegal activities? No.  Am I going to start partaking in illegal activities. Hell no!  It’s been a long while since I updated this blog and I think I have a lot to say.  Not today but in the future....sorry, not sorry.  There’s been a lot that has taken place in my life since I last posted something.  

I don’t want to focus on that right now.  I want to fast forward to where I’m at now.  The infamous job search.  I”m getting rejected left and right.  People are lying to me all the time.  I cannot get my foot int he door at all.  It’s getting very frustrating.  Maybe I shouldn’t but I’m taking this personally.  I’m taking serious offense to people not telling me I’m good enough.  You know the funny thing about my job search?  I keep seeing the same jobs get posted within 6 months of them finding their “prime” candidate!  Maybe I should rethink how I’m doing things?  

I’m focusing on getting a job so I can have money to promote my album.  Maybe I should focus on getting the money?  The job is just a tool for money.  I’m square so it’s the only way I know to make it.  Maybe I should think outside the box to try to get my hands on some serious cash?  

[takethisbeatdown]

Rejection

It’s hard constantly getting rejected.  I’ve been on a long dedicated job search for the past 3 years. I’ve been bs’ed, told lies and toyed with for these past 3 years.  I honestly believe my faith is gone.  When I was younger I was told to put things in God’s hands and to trust in God.  I’ve done that and it hasn’t worked.  I’m on the verge of going broke and there’s not a lifeboat in sight.

God doesn’t give you more than you can handle, well I’m fed up.  I feel bad for questioning God’s existence but when I’ve been in a slump physically and mentally, I honestly just don’t know how to keep the faith.  Just when you think you’ve reached the lowest of the low, you go lower.  I’ve begged, pleaded, prayed down everything I can to talk to God and get an answer.  

I’ve been on a 6 month depression.  I need a better job to survive yet a better job doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me.  I want to quit, I’m tired of looking for jobs.  I’m tired of posting about jobs and how they make me feel.  I want to move onto something else.  I’m so unhappy but I shouldn’t be.  

I don’t know what to do.  I don’t feel good enough.  I feel inadequate.  Why is God allowing me to suffer?  Is God even listening to what I’m saying?  I can’t honestly believe God would allow me to go through this.  I know the downward emotions that I feel.  I know how bad it feels to tear up at work because you’re not doing what you want.  I hate it here, I’m not saying it’s the worst job but I have to be honest.  I absolutely hate it.  I’m not happy.  I just want to make music and be able to make a living off of it.  

I’m tired of settling and not living. I’m tired of kissing someone’s butt in a job interview.  I’m tired of having to constantly prove my worth to someone else.  

I’m tired of living int he same mold infested crappy apartment.  I want my lungs to be able to breathe.  I’m tired of waking up in the middle of the night panicked because I can’t breathe.  I’m tired of my stomach aching and pain on my right side.  I’m tired of not feeling happy and thinking life really isn’t all that good and it’s a routine.  

[takethisbeatdown]

It’’s painful when no one believes in you.  I've stated it several times before but I’m really starting to hate the job application process.  Companies brag that their staff is the best and they want the best.  If you don’t make the cut.....guess what.....you’re not the best.  At least for me it really does a number on my self esteem.  My job isn't everything but to me it’s a big part of who I am.   I want my job to be self expression of my art.  

I’m frustrated because I can’t express myself.  I’m living a lie.  This is not the life that I want.  This is not the life that I desire.  I feel like I’m being physically held back.  The worst part about it, there’s nothing I can do about it.  I sit and wait.  I've been trying to get out of my current situation for 3 years straight.  You name it I've done it.  Video Resume, Creative resume, retooling my resume, getting a professional opinion on my resume.  

I’m starting to develop a sincere real hatred for all companies.  They’re telling me my skills aren't good enough for their company.  I’m slowly running out of money and I need more money just to live a normal life.  I badly want a better job so I can spend money on marketing and finishing my album.  

I realize now that’s all I really want to do.  I just want to put out my music and quit my full time job and do music full time.  I hate working with people and I hate all the drama and backstabbing things that they do.  True all people don’t do this but I just don’t want to deal with them. 

I’m completely powerless.  I have to do what my master says or I won’t eat.  It’s the worst feeling in the world to feel helpless.  I've got the drive and determination to get out of my situation but it’s still not happening.  I’ve prayed to God so many times.  I've cried out to him, I've got on my hands and knees and begged and pleaded.  Nothing has happened.  

People don’t deserve to live like this.  I've become a miserable person because I’m working a job that I cannot stand.  I've put in the work, I've been patient and still nothing.  

This situation makes me despise life.  I don’t like it.  I’m not cut out for it.  I don’t have the strength to continually deal with this.  My life feels like a very monotonous movie with the same things over and over again. 

I don’t want to be rich, I just want to be comfortable and make ends meet.  I've been bs’ed by more jobs than you can imagine.  Promised interviews that never seem to happen.  Told how talented I was only to be over looked when it came time to choose a final candidate.  

[takethisbeatdown]

I’ve been filled with RAGE lately.  I’m mad.  I can’t find a job no matter what I do.  I have a job and I absolutely hate it.  I can’t stand it. I’m tired of doing what I do and I don’t make enough money.  I’ve been trying to get out for the past 3 years.  Why does God hate me?  Why isn’t he allowing me to grow?  Oh I bet I know what people are going to say, I need to be more patient.  3 years is patient enough.  

I can’t begin to explain how mad and depressed I am.  It sucks staying at a job you hate and you can’t quit because of your financial commitments.  This is the worst feeling in the world for me.  

I know I’m talented but other people don’t see.  I need a job too because I’m going to run out of money and I don’t have any money to promote the album.

I don’t know where to turn and what to do.  I’m tired of waiting, I’m tired of doing things on someone else’s time.  Why do I have to go through this?  Haven’t I suffered enough?  I hate companies, I don’t want anything to do with them.  I’m tired of this stupid shuck and jive show where you have to tap dance for people to show them that you’re worth it.

I’m worth it and deep down I know it. I don’t need approval from anyone else.  I’m a highly capable individual and I’m not shucking and jiving to prove that to someone anymore.  

I’m very unhappy.  Sorry I know all of my posts have been about the same thing but this is a big hurdle for me and I’m very unhappy...VERY.    

[takethisbeatdown]

So I faked it!  I had a previous post talking about how I did it and I was referring to a job with a corporate company.  I tried thinking positive, I did everything.  I sent them a video I created, I wrote articles on linkedin.  Nothing worked.  I didn't even get an interview.  They decided to go with someone internal.  It has been extremely frustrating trying to move up in the corporate world.  I'm 2 songs away from completing the album and I have no money to promote it.  That's the main reason I wanted a better paying job.

I'll be honest I get so depressed when I keep get rejected by job after job.  People tell me how talented I am but no one event wants to give me the chance to interview.  I can't begin to illustrate the level of hatred I have for corporate america.  When I say hate I mean I despise them.  DISCLAIMER:  I would never physically harm anyone or myself because of this.  

With that out of the way I'm unhappy in my current position.  I want to quit so bad.  All I want is enough money to live off of for the next 6 months and money to promote my album and I'm cool.  

[takethisbeatdown]

I DID IT!

I can't believe I did it!.  This is definitely one of the hardest things I've done.  I single handedly (well I can't say that now that I think about it) tripled my salary!  I've been job hunting for 3 years now and I've had door after door shut in my face.  I interviewed for a job with a company that I thought it was the most money I would ever interview for, but no I topped it!  

I interviewed with a great company and they outdid my former company's salary by a whole lot!  I am now making 3 times more than what I was making.  Words cannot express how happy I am.  I've learned a lot from my current job but I've been ready to go.  Like any job there were little things that really bothered me and that I didn't agree with.  

Now I get to work from home and do something I guess I've always wanted to do but just didn't know it.  I'm a writer now.  I know my blog posts may not reflect it (I don't edit lol) but I absolutely love writing.  It's my first passion and I discovered it in 5th grade.  I got A's in every single writing class I took in college.  

This is all do to God, there is no way I would have achieved this if it wasn't for him.  I thank him so much for allowing these people to see my true ability and my talent.  I'm so thankful they gave me a chance.  I am so happy!  

My wonderful girlfriend also helped me every step of the way.  She's been so supportive and has been there since day one.  After all this time my life is finally going to change for the better. I've got money to promote the album, I can leave from my mold infested apartment.  Thank you LORD!  

[takethisbeatdown]

I Need A Sign

Please, I badly need a sign.  I hope this is the one.  I'm tired of being bs'ed and hung out to dry.  I'm tired of the run around, building up my hopes only to be let down.  I want to write, I want to express myself and I want to become a better writer.  I badly want this and I'm hoping you can help me out.  I've been trying 3 years to get out of here and I just don't know what to do.  This is my last hope.  I don't have the energy to do anything else.  I'm stressed but I'm happy.  I have a wonderful companion in my life but I need this.  This will help me finally get back on my feet.  This will help me achieve my dreams.  I've put my all into this.  I'm on my knees begging, please this has to be it.  My energy is spent.  I finally got my college degree, I've been told I'm multi-talented but here I wait to see if someone else sees what everyone else sees.  I have to be good enough, I hope I'm good enough.  I'm so spent.  I've been waiting for 2 weeks, how much longer do I have to wait.  Will it be good news, will it be another rejection email?  I've tried so hard.  I put my all into this.  I stand here still.........I wait.  

[takethisbeatdown]

Why I Hate Corporate America

So long story short I get an email saying that a company is going to give me a phone screener for an interview.  They said in my resume I possess many of the qualities that are needed for the position they are looking at filling.  They ask me to provide writing samples for the hiring manager.  

The next day I provide the writing samples and tell him times I am open to be interviewed. It has now been a full week and I haven’t heard anything.  I’m doing something different than what I’ve done in the past, I’m writing them off. It really hurts to be jerked around by companies and led on wild goose chases that lead to nowhere.  

Why did they even contact me if they weren’t going to respond.  I’ve personally contacted the recruiter via telephone 3 times to make sure he received my email.  I then connected with him on linkedin and he accepted. I then wrote him a message on linkedin just asking if he received my email, absolutely nothing.

Linkedin is a joke and so is the corporate world.  I hate everything about the corporate world. I asked two people I connected with on linkedin if I could have 5 minutes of their time to talk about content marketing.....nothing.  Screw you linkedin and screw your selfish members.  

No one is here to help you, they’re just connecting to up their numbers.  I haven’t had anyone ever respond to any type of email on linkedin.  I’m going to stop job hunting and I’m deleting my linkedin profile.  Linkedin hasn’t done anything for me.  Here it is 4:30 am in the morning and I can’t go to sleep because I don’t want to go to work.  

I hate my job and I feel so bad about not having that company call me back.  I feel absolutely terrible. Why is god punishing me?  Why can’t I have a good job?  Why can’t I make decent money?  

Life is definitely unfair.  I can’t not emphasize enough how much I have corporate america and all of these stupid corporations.  I’ve been trying so hard to make it in this world.  I’ve literally done everything I can do and now I’m giving up.  

[takethisbeatdown]

What do you do?

What do you do when you keep getting the door closed in your face?  What do you do when you try to put your foot int he door to stop it getting closed in your face?  What do you do when you don't have the strength anymore?  What do you do when you're tired of waiting?  What do you do when you're so angry and mad?  What do you do when you know you're the best candidate?  What do you do when you keep getting blown off?  What do you do when you can't take it anymore?  What do you do when you don't know what to do?  What do you do when you're about to be broke?  

What to do when it doesn't go according to plan at all?  What do you do when you've been waiting for 3 years?  What do you do when you hate your work life?  What do you do when you're mentally checked out?  What do you do when you're tired of going along with it?  What do you do when you don't believe anymore?  

Well..........what do you do?

[takethisbeatdown]

I'm Feeling It

So here I am still in the recording process and I was working on a song.  It's actually going to be the first song on the album.  And as I'm typing this I just remembered I forgot to add how the song begins!  I'll do that today it'll be easy.  But my point in writing this is that I'm feeling really energized!

I'm very happy about this album and I can't believe I only have 3 songs left!  It's been a long 2 years and I've learned so much through this journey.  The incredible thing about this song is that it's always taken me about a month for each song but then I realized with this song a little trick that I should have been using the whole time to make sure I quantize a lot quicker.  That's the main reason my album has been taking so long because I hand quantize everything.  Now I realize there's an easy way to do that.  I'm still hand quantizing things but I'm doing it in a much faster manner.  

It's weird doing things fast because it feels weird to me.  I feel like I'm forgetting something....which I did today ....the beginning of the song.   I also realized how much better the second part of the song sounds when I listen to it after not hearing it for a while.  

Normally I like to listen to the track over and over and over so I can make settle adjustments but I don't think that's needed now.  It's weird, by the time I finish one track I get the idea for the next track in my head.  I have that idea right now.  Even when I'm done recording this I realize I still have a lot of work to go but it feels so good to at least be almost done with the recording process because it was such a long process.  

Also I like the fact that I'm doing the album out of order so I can go back and redo tracks and no one will know what order I completed the tracks in.  I didn't know a lot when I started but now I know a lot more.  I'm going to go back and apply this knowledge to all of the previous tracks when I'm done recording.  

[takethisbeatdown]

I'm Back

I took a little hiatus from Tumblr and it was at first incidental then it turned into something else.  I will admit for me it's a little hard to update my tumblr everyday.  But on the other end it's really easy.  I'm a thinker and I think a lot.  I'm never not thinking.  I always have thoughts going through my head but in one instance I'm still new to putting those thoughts on social media.  

I have to get used to the idea of articulating my thoughts to the entire world.  It's something I'm still getting used to but something I can definitely do.  After a while of not posting I got scared of posting.  What was I scared of?  I was scared of a lot of things.  Scared that my post would fall on deaf ears.  Scared that I had lost my knack for providing the information that I've always provided.  

But when I thought about it I have a lot to say and I want the world to hear it or not hear.  It'll be there for them if they want to hear it.  I also realize that I need to keep things simple.  Stop stressing and worrying about things that you don't need to worry about.  Let things come naturally to you....take a deep breath and relax.  

With that I want to let you know that I'll try my best to continue to keep you up to date with what's going on in my life and to express my inner thoughts in writing.  I have a lot to share of what's happened in the past month and I need to embrace social media.  Honestly when I think about it I don't know what I'm truly scared of but it feels good to write again.  

[takethisbeatdown]

Digital Marketing

So I'll let everyone in on a secret.  I plan to promote my album solely online.  I do digital marketing for a living and I'll really put that to the test when it comes to my album.  I have a plan of different avenues and lanes I plan to promote my album on and I've read several books about it.  

I think there's a simple concept for success in music. The first which I think is actually the hardest is having the talent.  No disrespect to all you non-talented artists but there are a ton of artists that are not talented.  Generally speaking people will not support an artist that is not talented or does not bring something to the table that they like.

I think the bar has been lowered as far as what is talented but if you want a long career in the business I think you should be very talented.  A fear of not being relevant in the future is part of what keeps me going.  Don't have yes men/women around you have real critics who maybe don't listen to your genre of music or who actually hate your genre of music to get a real opinion.  

If someone is lucky enough to be talented this is the step where most almost always fail......marketing.  Plain and simple marketing is getting your music into the RIGHT people who will support you.  Most of the time people don't spend time to build up their fan-base and their album falls on deaf ears.  Some people choose the wrong avenues and some people choose to let people seek them out.  

I have to tell you that no matter how talented you are, you're going to have to chase your fans down...not literally but you get what I'm saying.  There's so much entertainment in the world today you have to chase your fan down to get their attention.  Also if possible try to focus on getting super fans.  All fans should be treated equally but super fans are going to spend a lot of money on you and they're going to be real supporters of your music.  

Also and lastly and most importantly...be real.  Be yourself.  Don't be anything you're not.  

[takethisbeatdown]

This Band Was Bad

I never realized how bad Jodeci was until recently.  I remember when they came out but at that time I wasn't into R&B.  I actually hated them at first.  At that time the music didn't make any sense to me and I wasn't patient enough to absorb it.  These boys were light years ahead of their times.  Their chord structure, their sound.  These boys were on top of it.

I also have to give kudos because like me they're from North Carolina.  I just realized that musically North Carolina has produced a lot of good people musically:  John Coltrane, Jodeci, 9th Wonder, just to name a few.  

They were doing all of this in the early 90s!  That's incredible when you think about the music that was coming out in that time.  I think music is very reflective of what's going on in society.  I'm sure a lot of babies were born back then lol.  

I now appreciate how great this group was and wish I would have gotten hip to them sooner.  My friends were all big Jodeci fans and I didn't understand it....now I do lol.  Not only were they bad musically they had great lyrics, and vocal melodies and harmonies to match the music.  

[takethisbeatdown]

Pain is my Inspiration

Where do I get the inspiration for the majority of my songs?  PAIN.  What do I mean?  When I get hurt emotionally or go through what I deem a difficult situation it causes me a lot of pain.  I'm a very sensitive individual and I used to get sad about it but now I just get extremely mad about it.  ]

For whatever reason this pain translates into music.  I know none of you have never heard my music but I promise you 90% of it comes from painful experiences.  Even "Happy" songs come from pain.  I don't wish the gift of being sensitive on anyone.  

Most of the pain comes from being rejected or played by women but I've found a new source of pain being rejected by corporations.  It's not beautiful, it's more of a gift and a curse.  To me women and jobs are becoming very predictable so I avoid both.  I don't like pain or drama.  

[takethisbeatdown]

Two Things I hate Doing

There's two things I absolutely hate doing.  Looking for a job and dating.  To me they're the exact same process and they both leave me mad, hurt and angry.  When you date someone, they put up this facade of who they really are or that they're really interested in you then you find out it's all smoke and mirrors.  The same thing happens with a job.  They act like you're the right candidate then nothing, or I'm sorry we found someone better.  

I've been rejected by about 50 jobs in the past year.  I've been rejected by about 30 women in the last year as well.  I've decided that to avoid heartache, pain and anger I'm going to avoid doing both.  If I don't date and I don't search for a job I can't be hurt. I have low self esteem so it really doesn't matter to me anymore.  I have no energy to persevere and I don't believe in the dream anymore.  The only thing I believe in is my music.  

I have a real hatred for people in general because I think most of them are selfish.  I feel the same way about corporations.  I'm tired of getting my hopes up and getting swept up in a web full of lies and deception.  It gets lonely not dating and I hate being broke but I also hate getting rejected so I'll avoid both of those.  

I have become a really angry bitter person.  I used to be such a nice optimistic person.  I'm not blaming that on what's happened to me but rejection has happened to me so many times I don't have any faith.  I'm turning off my phone the entire weekend.  I don't feel like talking or dealing with anyone.  It took me a lot to write this post because of how mad I was.  

[takethisbeatdown]

I Will Never Achieve My Dreams

I will never achieve my dreams...if my dreams are to be in the corporate world.  I've reached the corporate ladder.  I'm tired of dealing with the dumb stuff.  If you live your life with a corporate mindset you'll spend a good portion of your life waiting.  Waiting to get called back, waiting to get promoted, waiting for the right opportunity, waiting for you time.

Being an entrepreneur is definitely the way to go.  You can run things exactly how you want and you don't have to wait...at least not as long by the way.  There are risks though.  Scary risks, but I think they definitely outweigh the corporate world.  Corporate world is filled with titles and brown nosers.  Living out someone's else's dream on their terms.  

Nobody is going to care that much about you in life and one of those people is certainly a corporation.  Ultimately they have their best interests in mind.  They don't care about you, they only care about what you can do for them.  Why do you slave so hard and give your all for them?  They'll let you go at the drop of stock price.  

I'm not knocking people who do the corporate thing but I know many would rather not.  Incorporate your own rules and live life the way you want.  Stop waiting for job opportunities and promotions and the right company to come.  Go chase your dreams.  

[takethisbeatdown]

Broken

I've lost all hope in the "American Dream".  I've networked, spruced up my resume, made a video resume, received professional critiques, rehearsed for a interview.  Nothing has worked.  I've been trying to get a decent paying job for the last 3 years.  

I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of being patient.  I'm tired of doing things on their terms.  I have a fireball of anger in the pit of my stomach.  Like Biggie I'm kicking in the door.  I truly realize why this society is messed up.  People get tired of waiting, they take what's theirs in an unlawful way.  People crack, people trip...because they've reached the point of being broken.

Bad, Good and crazy decisions happen when you're broken.  You give up all hope and you figure you do whatever you have to do now.  You're tired of waiting for your break and you say I'm taking this now.  I'm writing this post that I now realize what that feeling feels like.  By any means necessary.  I don't care. It's me or them.  I'm taking what's mine.  

Usually in a post like this I would end it with keep persevering but I won't.  I'm not advocating anyone doing anything illegal but I just want to say I really understand the struggle...I really do.