Tala ni Pia

she/her fRPm, fRPsy

[talanipia]

TOXIC POSITIVITY AND EMOTIONAL GUARDING THAT IS SHAPED BY THE DENIED WARMTH OF A PARENT

You show how jolly and smiley you are,

It helps you forget your problems.

But does it lessen the baggage you carry alone?

Does it help? Maybe or Maybe not.

There’s nothing wrong with that,

However, something is broken within you.

A little child who yearns a lot with a warmth of a parent,

Often grows with people-pleasing behaviors and such.

That inner child in you longs for that, and

As a result, you end up trying to earn that warmth.

Warmth from the people with your parents’ age as well.

To the people you get reminded of with them.

Is there something wrong with that?

If you’re looking at it from my perspective, I think there is.

Because no child should ever feel that way.

That kind of affection is meant for a child.

[talanipia]

Maybe if I hadn’t stopped by at your office,

I would probably not be here by now.

If I hadn’t heard those words again,

Maybe I will finally be at rest.

I kept telling to myself that I was already left with “no choice,”

But the truth is, I was the one choosing it all along.

That it was the path I picked,

The poison which I willingly took.

Honestly during that time, I feared nothing.

I forgot about my dreams,

my aspirations, and

my younger sibling whom I want to take out of this environment.

I have been thinking that maybe everything would feel a bit lighter if I wasn’t around.

That you wouldn’t have to worry about ‘Jana.’

But of course, that’s wrong. It would only leave you with a lot of regrets and questions about yourselves, your effectiveness to help someone.

However

Sometimes, saving is right just behind you; you cannot fully see it but it is present.

And I really know that I need saving. That I surely need to get myself out of this place.

But in order for me to move forward, I have to let go of the most important things: my sister.

But how will you also be able to save someone when you can’t even help yourself?

Looking at the brighter side of the situation, even though I long for the warmth of my parents,

It somehow comes from those very people whom I can call my companion, my people, and my safe place. Because without them, I wouldn’t be able to improve, to become a better person each day.

And one thing that I realized is that you should be at least grateful for these kinds of things.

Yes, these aren’t material things that you wish to have, but at the end of the day,

By just talking to them or being beside them, you would come to thank them by just being there.

For making you feel that you are seen,

That you are not alone in your battles.

And finally,

They were right, she is right,

Things depend on the perspectives that you will choose to hold.

Thank you for reminding me that I am capable of so much, that I carry so much potential within me. That not all people have these kinds of abilities that I possess.

At times, you just have to remind yourself that you have already gone far,

Far from where you have started, so why give it all up?

Would you rather put those things into drain or let yourself be wounded for sometime but it would result in a much better and fulfilling way?