I’m sorry if this bothers anyone but I just really need to let some of this out and I don’t have anyone to talk to so I’m gonna post here
My best guy friend commit suicide Friday night and I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve never had anyone close to me pass away before and just that it’s him and this way has got me so screwed up.
He was one of my best friends. But he was more than that. I don’t want to say he was an ex-boyfriend because we never made anything official and wanted to wait until we got to the same college after summer. But he was an ex-something…
I’ve known him for about 3 years, and we immediately clicked when we first met. He had this amazing smile that could light up the whole room, it didn’t matter how horrible your day was, just seeing him smile made everything better. But his sense of humor was what got me. He was so witty, and sassy, and sarcastic but it was never over the top. It was just perfect. He was perfect.
But we went on dates, and had long talks about anything and everything.
He took me to homecoming for what would be our first and last time. Neither of us had ever been and he asked me to go with him so I did.
That night will forever be one of my favorites. We danced all over the room with him spinning me all over the place. I think we about passed out from laughing so hard several times. It was just a perfect night.
Between all of this I had been struggling with depression, and self harm, and one day he discovered that. And he didn’t understand it at all. But he was still there for me. This is one of the things that kills me now.
We talked about suicide, and how I had been feeling, and he told me he would never understand how anyone could want to end their own life. That no matter what, things got better. And that while he didn’t understand how I could feel like that, he was going to help me get through it because I was too good to feel that way. Through all of this, he promised me that while he didn’t understand it, if by some chance one day he did, and felt that way, that he would tell me.
I’ve been good for about a year now, because of him.
But about 6 months after that, we had still been talking and “together” for that time. But while we had both agreed it just wasn’t practical for us to date because it was hard to see each other a lot, all we did was over the phone and FaceTime and snapchat the majority of the time. So we didn’t want to put the pressure on what we had. We didn’t want to rush anything and decided that once we graduated, and were at the same college we would really try and be able to.
A few months later he called me and we had a long conversation about someone else. He had started to like another girl, and I told him it was fine. To explore that and have time with other people. We were just friends and it wouldn’t be a problem. Even though it killed me inside, I never told him.
But after a month of them dating his girlfriend told him she didn’t like us talking. Even as friends. So I told him to not worry and just text me whenever he had the chance or once they were finished. I had heard horrible things about this girl and so had he but he didn’t care. I did, and was just worried about him.
About a month ago, she cheated on him and they broke up. Despite it, he said he was okay and wasn’t that hurt because he started to realize he shouldn’t be with her. But he still wanted some alone time to finish up the school year without having to worry about another girl or anything and since we had talked about waiting till college I was fine with that.
We talked a few times here and there and that was it.
Friday night, I got the news that he had passed an hour earlier.
I loved him, and I always will. But I hate him for leaving me.
He was so loved, by everyone. Senior class president, star athlete.
At this age it may seem insane but I had dreams of marrying this man. He was the only person I have ever loved in that way.
Someone so happy, and full of life, took his own.
I don’t understand why he left. Why he gave up. Why he didn’t tell anybody. Why he didn’t tell me.
But I’ll keep my promise to you. I’ve seen how much pain everyone you left is in. And I won’t ever be able to do that, because I know how I feel.
But I know how much you cared about your family and your friends. And I know if you knew they were going to be hurting this bad that you would have never even thought about doing it.
I just want you back. I’m sorry for anything I ever did wrong. And I forgive you for anything you ever did wrong.
I love you, and I will never forget you.
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