tips for having sex with trans mlm
Okay, since it seems this question pops up a lot from cis mlm who are interested in having a sexual relationship with trans men, I decided to compile a list of tips for approaching safe, enjoyable, non-dysphoria inducing sex. Sorry about the length:
1. Ask about terminology:
This is such an important first step and why I listed it first: if you donât know what to call a partnerâs body partâask them! Donât assume theyâre totally fine with one thing or the other. Getting it wrong can be awkward at best, incredibly dysphoria inducing at worst (and a relationship ender right off the bat). Some guys like to call a part of themselves their âclitâ, while others prefer to call the same part âdick/cockâ or just âjunkâ. The best way to phrase this question is to make it neutral, something like âwhat terms do you use for your body parts?â rather than something like âwhat do you call your vagina?â which implies that one term is already more valid/ârealâ than another. Of course, this is after youâve already established that sexual stuff is going to ensueâdonât make this your first message to the guy on a hook up app.
Especially if you are dealing with a dysphoric person, but also just in general, knowing which parts are okay to touch, which parts are 100% off limits, and which parts may have certain conditions for interacting with them is a must. Again, communication is very important. Maybe your guy really likes using his front hole, but butt stuff is off-limits. You never know until you ask, and maybe you have boundaries as well you want to go over.
This goes the other way too! Donât just automatically assume something will make your partner dysphoricâit may very well be something they actually enjoy.
3. Donât make assumptions about our bodies or preferred positions.
Iâve already said it multiple times already, but open communication rather than making assumptions is really key. Iâve seen many cis guys who have assumed that all trans men want to strictly bottom, and even a few who thought the exact opposite. The reality is that trans men have as much variety in sex preferences as anyone elseâsome bottom, some top, some are verse, some donât enjoy penetrative sex at all. And for those of you wondering how a trans man could top, or worrying that it might be less enjoyable for either party than a cis man toppingâdonât knock it till you try it. There are plenty of toys, strap-ons and other sex technology wonders that you have yet to explore, not to mention that many trans men do have flesh and blood penises that they are more than happy to use.Â
4. If you use toys, strap-ons, and prosthetics:
Donât assume everything is a âtoyâ. For some trans men, their prosthetic is a natural part of their anatomy, and it can be upsetting and disorienting to refer to it as a toy.
If shopping for toys or prosthetics, make sure itâs something your partner actually wants (again donât assume!) and make sure your partner actually likes what you pick. I know it can seem nice or sexy to surprise your partner with a gift, but toys and prosthetics can be extremely personal, so whoever is using the product should have a say what itâll be like. If you still want to go for the surprise element, think about giving them a gift certificate or an I.O.U. for a sex shop instead. Then you can make it a fun outing together.
5. Donât ask them about surgeries, hormones, or their life âbeforeâ:Â
This should be a no-brainer, but unfortunately too many guys make this mistake immediately upon meeting a trans person. Maybe youâre going into a very committed, long-term relationship with the guy. Maybe just a one night grindr hook up. Doesnât matter. If he wants to talk to you about it, he will. Otherwise itâs none of your business.
6. Donât bring up passing.
Really, the amount of guys that think theyâre being helpful when they tell us how we âlook so much more manly than other trans guys!â or how weâd âpass so much better if you just did xâ. Itâs obnoxious and upsetting. Trans people know a hell of a lot more about the intricacies of passing than whatever you think you do, and we donât like back-handed compliments that come from comparing us to other trans people. Youâre not winning any brownie points from these comments, they just make you seem ignorant and rude.
7. We are not an encyclopedia of trans knowledge.
If weâre on a dating website or app, weâre there for the same reason as you: to meet people for sex, romance, friendship, etc. Weâre not there to answer questions that you have about trans people, especially when almost all of them are easy to answer on a cursory google search. We donât want to be asked to help write your gender studies essay, or asked how we feel about [insert trans celebrity]. Really, just donât do this. Itâs an immediate block for most people.
8. Donât tell us weâre brave.
Kinda on the same note as the last one, donât tell us âweâre so braveâ for existing or that youâre âproudâ or even about the trans sibling cousin roommate friend neighbor teacher etc that you have. We donât need cringe-y condescension when weâre trying to hook up. And câmon, you should know this already from when straight people tell you this.
9. Weâre not your experiment.
Donât have sex with us just because you want to âexperimentâ with having sex with a trans person, and especially not because you see us as some kind of stepping stone to having sex with ârealâ men.
10. Donât assume we all think the same.
Again, should be obvious, but it unfortunately isnât. Just because you dated a trans man in the past that was comfortable with x, doesnât mean your new partner feels the same way. We arenât a hivemind. Trans people are individuals with varied experiences, pasts, preferences, and levels of dysphoria. Follow all the above steps again every time you engage with a new partner.
11. You wonât always know youâre having sex with a trans person. And thatâs okay.
Yes, you read that right. This is something that actually happens. Some trans men are âstealthâ, meaning that they live their lives with little to zero people aware that they are trans. This doesnât mean theyâre trying to âtrickâ you, and this doesnât make them a bad person. Many trans people do this for a variety of reasons, such as safety and their own comfortâsome guys just think of being trans as part of their medical history, and not worth mentioning. Regardless of reasons, it is an incredibly personal decision. Donât be offended if a trans man chooses not to come out to you. He has his reasons, and you should respect that.
Seriously, this may seem like a terribly long list of responsibilities, but almost all of these are things you should be doing with any partner. And once youâve got them down, they become surprisingly more natural than youâd think. Remember that youâre doing this because you want to share an enjoyable experience with another person. And yeah, you might occasionally slip up, but we know that, and itâs usually pretty obvious when youâre trying. So relax and have fun.
If any other trans mlm have something to add, feel free to contribute.
ok for cis people to reblog! (please do)
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