Halley

- a stupid girl with stupid dreams who never learns

[tangledhairalways]

Today’s been a bit of a mess. That’s why I’m writing everything down—to process my emotions and gather my thoughts.

Let's start with what happened in the afternoon. I asked Duong to help wake me up after a nap, and he did. While I was trying to shake off the sleep, I couldn't help but notice he was playing games- again. I feel like he has been gaming a lot this past week and slacking off on his studies. I had wanted to tell him about what happened with my Dad and our water system- we'd said we would talk about it, but he wanted me to wait 40 minutes just for him to finish his match. I was livid. It's not as if he was doing something important, it was just another stupid, pointless game. That's why I went silent and refused to recount the story to him once he was done. He kept asking and begging me, but I couldn't give him an answer. How could I tell him "I’m so sick of you wasting your time on games while I have to force myself out of bed to study, prepare for work, go out and earn a living". I tried to held back because I knew those words would hurt his self-esteem so deeply. He is a man with his ambitions and hearing that kind of criticism would definitely crush him. I tried to get myself together, think things through and put myself in his shoes. I know he is a university graduate with a lot of pride, he entered university a year later than all his friends, so he was kinda behind. Now while his friends are either working or going on to grad school, he is still searching for good universities that will accept him for a Master's program. He's going through a lot- more than I can even begin to imagine, and he's trying to cope with his problems in his own way, even if it doesn't make sense to me. We all move at our own pace, on our own timeline and all I could do is stay present and support him regardless. But deep down, the ultimate question that lingers is: Can I trust him?

[tangledhairalways]

It's my 11 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

Wow, I can't believe I've had this blog for so long.

Yet I left it sitting there, old and dust-covered. I don't know why I gave up this habit as it had been so much helpful to me. Journalling is a great way to deal with my mental struggles and release my anger and stress. By writing down what's on my mind, I give myself time to contemplate, gather my thoughts, process my emotions and find the way to solve the problems.

It's not like life's been peaceful and there aren't any major problems to work through. If anything, I think I stopped writing primarily because I didn't have the courage to face myself and my troubles. Life's been rushing by, almost like there's no downtime to catch a breath. While I have many dreams and ambitions in the back of my mind, I couldn't seem to find the time to get the ducks in line. I think about those every day, yet I let them drift away. I end up prioritizing other trivial things and losing connection with myself. I know it doesn't do me any good to stay up late until 2, wake up at 10, then take a 2 hr nap in the afternoon, but I can't seem to break out of that routine. I tried to make changes, still, things slip back to the way they were.

I guess life is laughing at me right now for my lack of determination. Not gonna lie, I am tired and sometimes I think about giving up. But at the same time, I think about my dreams. What if I can actually make it and live the dreams that I've always aspired? What if I am another one in my circle to break the chains and build a life in another country? Never once did I feel scared about what the future holds for me, but it's the present I always keep putting off. I think I can't handle it all on my own. Maybe I need help. Maybe I need someone to keep me accountable so I could stay focused and bring myself to the finish line.

[tangledhairalways]

Takeaway lessons from When life gives you tangerines.

Nên chọn người chồng tốt hơn là chọn người có gia cảnh tốt

Nên quan sát thái độ và cách đối xử với mình của gia đình bạn trai. Chỉ nên cưới khi nhận được sự chúc phúc từ cả 2 bên gia đình.

Nếu trong lúc chung sống mà xảy ra mâu thuẫn giữa vợ và gia đình chồng, người chồng không nhất thiết phải chọn về phe vợ (vì trước khi cưới vợ ảnh cũng là người con của gia đình). Tuy nhiên, anh ta cần phải có chính kiến và can thiệp một cách công bằng để cải thiện tình hình, không làm chỉ vợ bị thiệt thòi, cũng không kéo dài chiến tranh.

Hãy cưới người có provider mindset, để ngay cả khi không có gì trong tay, anh ta vẫn sẽ cố gắng chu toàn cho gia đình (giống Gwan-sik).

[tangledhairalways]

Since when do I have to negotiate for someone’s love and care for me? Why do I have to beg them to spend more time with me so that I won’t be drifted from their love? I don’t think I should ever ask someone to be with me when they know I got emotionally troubled. It’s so unnatural and unusual. If they wanted to, they’d do it without being asked. I never wanted to force anyone into a romantic relationship with me. Now that I am in one, why do I always feel like I have to beg them for their time and attention? Shouldn’t I be their priority, especially in tough time like this? Why is he so greedy? He wanted to watch a thrilling match of his favorite soccer team while keeping me there waiting in sorrow, hah! He even wanted to make me think he had done a favor for me by missing some minutes of the match? Did he take me for a fool?

[tangledhairalways]

I'm very angry about what my Dad's said to me and I wish it wouldn't stick in my head but I know it is, and it will live there rent free. I hate him for being a dad, he sucks at it, I don't know if he ever reflected on his role in this family as much as he gave a lot of fuck in his room about what other people did, and talked shit behind their back, then made his family suffer for it. "Con mình chứ có phải ai đâu", that's his excuse for poisoning his daughter with morbid ideas. I can't stand a sound of his. I wish I could live seperately from him, the kind of man that brought nothing to the table but fear, traumas and toxic masculinity. While my mom had suffered this man for so long til the point she didn't feel like leaving him anymore as she felt a pity for him, he couldn't get anyone to want to be around him.

[tangledhairalways]

Right now I’m feeling like I need a provider in my life. Whenever I wanna get myself something, apart from thinking I’d save money to afford it, I also want to ask KD to see if he’s interested in getting me one or not.

Almost everytime his answer is no, very unintentionally and I hate it. Maybe a college guy is not a well match for me anymore. Or maybe i should learn to cover all my personal expenses.

[tangledhairalways]

It's past midnight but I'm still wide awake. It's probably because I had 1,5 hour nap this evening right after the date with KD and Phương. I'm trying to create a harmonious atmosphere and it seems to have work perfectly as they're very nice and cooperative. I'll leave a photo of the three of us below.

Today, we watched Inside out 2 together and it prompted me to reflect on what emotions I'm having in my 'Headquarter' and which ones are in control. My first guess is that envy, ennui and anxiety are at the helm, influencing my thoughts and actions. I always talk about having to step outside of your comfort zone and taking in whatever is thrown at you and make the most out of it, but when I actually did that, something pulled me right back. I am afraid of who I am, a shy and boring kind of girl who has nothing but beauty. I want to cry but at the same time I feel I don't deserve to. "I'm never good enough" - that belief has defined me since the beginning. I'm scared of getting laughed at or pitied by people around me when they see I'm all alone, weak and vulnerable. I don't like to keep my guard up as that's not who I am, I am sensitive, dreamy and I live one day at a time. I am open to conversations but it feels like people shut me out because I'm not interesting enough. Or maybe we just don't click. Sometimes I just want to be in my own circle grinding day by day to make a living and survive and that's enough. But at the same time I crave for the day I can truly soar and fly high, that's how complicated I am.

[tangledhairalways]

Today, for the first time, I finally threw a tantrum at KD, face-to-face, directly, right at the start of the date. He was late again, for what feels like the millionth time. I was also terribly sick and couldn't bear another minute of waiting. He immediately saw how upset I was and apologized right away but that didn't calm me down. I even threatened to leave if he was late again. In hindsight, I don't know if it was a wise thing to do or not, I reckon it wasn't. I don't want to leave him, but I hate waiting for him. Either he needs to change, or I do.

Despite my rage, he didn't react aggressively. Instead, he gently waited for me to calm down, held my hands and consistently apologized. He pulled the chair out for me, cut up beefsteak for me-- those gestures really warmed my heart. Afterwards, I asked him whether he had suppressed his anger towards my attitude. He said no and told me he was clearly in the wrong. KD is young but he is more matured and well-brought-up than many men I have known, including me. I gotta learn to control my feelings rather than letting them loose like I did today.

---

Today, for the first time, I finally threw a tantrum at KD, face-to-face, right at the start of our date. He was late again, for what feels like the millionth time. I was also terribly sick and couldn't bear another minute of waiting. Although he immediately saw how upset I was and apologized, it didn't calm me down. I even threatened to leave if he was late again. In hindsight, I don't know if that was the right thing to do; probably not. I don't want to leave him, but I hate waiting for him. Either he needs to change, or I do.

Despite my anger, KD didn't react aggressively. Instead, he gently waited for me to calm down, held my hands, and kept apologizing. He pulled out my chair and even cut up my steak for me—those gestures really warmed my heart. Afterward, I asked if he was suppressing his anger towards me. He said no and admitted he was at fault. KD is young, but he's more mature and well-mannered than many men I know, including myself. I need to learn to control my emotions rather than letting them loose like I did today.

[tangledhairalways]

I feel lonely

I am feeling lonely right now. I've thought about this for quite a while now and I finally realize in the end, there's gonna be just me. Phụng is getting married, Thanh and Quý are always a team, KD is so far away. I hate that everyone always has a good reason to be away from me. People say that you have to learn to be your own best friend, so that you can enjoy your own company. I also have a lot of hobbies that I like to do alone, like reading, drawing, writing diaries like now, but none of those can compare to having someone by my side.

I think I really need to read the book that Hà Khuất has suggested in the 2024 book-of-the-year list. I need to learn to understand everyone's choices, especially Phụng.

I figure I am not that strong and independent, I am not satisfied. I still need to learn to live happily with myself.

[tangledhairalways]

Please always be mindful that KD is just a college guy who still lives off his parents. Imagine KD takes money notes from his parents before every date. So be easy on him. Do not expect him to pay more or give you many presents right now. Give before you get.

[tangledhairalways]

Sometimes I kinda wish that everyone was all quiet..

I hate it when my parents have the same conflict over time and my mother keeps whining about my dad with me. Don't they get tired of that?

Sometimes I wonder to myself, do I ever love KD? or it is just a matter of getting accustomed. He cares for me and I appreciate it, I enjoyed talking to him, or, listening to him. He always encourages me to form good habits and I am thankful for that. But sometimes I easily get upset because of the way he talks.

He keeps talking without noticing if I was interested or not

He doesn't directly address my main point, which makes me lose my patience and have to cut him off, which is very insensible of me

He tries to console me but sometimes makes it worse by starting talking about his problem in the past, which kind of makes me feel like I am lower than him (am I overthinking or what)

He has homophobia, he has different kinds of prejudice over people. He seems to be able to judge the whole group because of some bad rumors he learnt about

He smirks at my naivety

He is too positive and optimistic

He talks a lot but can he really do much?

[tangledhairalways]

It's been a long time since I last caught up with myself. I am contented and I'm making headway. I love teaching and I love the sense of daily minor achievement.

[earthvideos]

[tangledhairalways]

Imagine myself standing on this path all alone.

[tangledhairalways]

So many questions

Things have been going pretty weird since KD was off to Da Lat with his cousins and couldn't give me the daily call. They are not the main reasons why I have been kind of aloof and cold. I know something is weighing heavy on my chest, but it's hard to get everything out in the open, not just to him but also to Phụng, to anyone. I don't know why, I used to think of myself as an opened diary as I tended to share a lot to people I trusted, but now I'm all about isolating myself and fighting this battle alone. He is very sensitive, can tell immediately if I was acting different, which made me feel very embarrassed when he exposed me.

This evening I was even thinking of taking the ielts test without letting anyone know. I was so afraid that I would blow it. Ordinally I would tell my boyfriend literally everything, but now I want to keep this from him. Do I not trust him? Am I scared that he may judge me? Am I scared of not being good enough to make anyone proud, even myself? Am I scared of being a loser? There are so many questions racing through my mind and I just can not get out of it. Later, I started to question what my relationship with him would be like if I couldn't open up to him. Why do I have to hide from him? why am I treating him as badly as that? Is he going to leave? Am I leaving? Is maintaining our relationship is a job to me? Do I really need a boyfriend at all?

I remember a saying from Diepdaydreaming podcast, things can still work out as long as one person still tries to talk and the other person still tries to listen. Just when he asks what happens, I never want to hide anything from him no more. Urgh I guess I'm just that bad at communication.

I don't exactly know what I want or need to ask from him to deal with my insecurity. If he ever asks me that, I may say that leaving me is the last thing I want you to do. Maybe all I need right now is a hug, a stroke on my hair and a word of confirmation that "everything's gonna be okay".

[tangledhairalways]

I have been listening to a few love songs and all of them make me think about you. Like Not Today kind of encourages us to give another chance, like Head In The Clouds literally talks about our situation. I don’t think I’m hung up on you but the fact we’ve been together for so long and so used to each other makes everything else less meaningful.

I don’t want to be the kind of ex who keeps you in the past or secretly keeps you for themselves. I am not that toxic, but talking to you is really therapeutic. It can always calm me down and pick me up when I need the most.

I just now realize how I stuck with you for all those years. Because it felt right to be with you. You could always put all my blunders into a joke which cheered me up real quick. You would be the one who made the most fun of me and also the one who honoured and cherished me more than anyone would. You were always there whenever I needed. I cried on your shoulder countless times. You would take me to the malls and we would just hang out casually and happily ate food served on the sidewalk. Your pros clearly trumps cons, thats why I chose to stay.

It will forever haunts me learning that everything could have been different had either of us given something in. We could have treated each other better like the way I’m treating my boyfriend now. We were so naive and just learning how to love. We showed all of our true selves with flaws, swaying on how to meet each other halfway. Now that we learned all the lessons, left with scars and a lot of memories. The saddest truth is that we would use those lessons to train ourselves, become a better version not for each other, but for the next one.

[tangledhairalways]

My cousin's friend

Today I turned down a cinema invitation from a friend of my cousin. He has been really nice to me with all the texts and offers. That's why I racked my brain to turn him down as slowly and nicely as it could be. Still, when I told him that I might have to go with my boyfriend because he is also into Harry Potter, the guy said "ok" and I tried to switch topics so we wouldn't feel embarrassed. Yet, he just stopped talking without even saying goodbye. That made me feel relieved and disappointed at the same time. Why can't people be friends with each other instead, like in the movies? Someone will say 'it's not that we don't have enough friends", but what's wrong with expanding your social circle? is that situation not appropriate? I mean I'm not the one who's into making new friends but he seems to be a nice person to befriend with. Or maybe he's just nice to the potential girlfriends-to-be. And again, it seems not to be mutual feelings, so I guess we can't be like anh Bình and I, still commenting and sometimes roasting each other.

Phew! Good thing is he's now aware of the situation and will not flirt with me again. KD is more than pleased with my react, everyone's happy and I'm happy too.

Remind myself to be satisfied with what I have, it's like one box checked so less things I have to worry and let's just focus more on the other boxes.

[tangledhairalways]

"If there were not a man in my life constantly questioning me about what drives me and what pains me, would I be doing it on my own?"

"One, I feel very confused about where I want my life to go. What kind of person do I want to be? How do I want to contribute to the world?

Two, I am getting very serious in my relationship with Barack and I feel that I need to get a better handle on myself."

Michelle Obama's journal

When I read those lines, it all resonated with me. I once held these thoughts in my head for months and even eventually got vulnerable with Dong that I was scared I wasn't good enough and did not deserve him. At the time, being with him makes me feel really stuck and suffocated and I didn't know why. I lied to myself and I lied to him. Now it felt like what I wanted was a way to escape and I was ruthless enough to leave everything behind me including him. I want a new life, a new job, new challenges and experiences. What I did was nothing like Michelle. She chose to stay, tried to anchor on two feet and get a better handle on myself, while what I did at the time was to decide to flee away from all the liabilities.

It's unfair to judge though, as I had been with Dong for 4 years and we had several unsolved quarrels. Thinking back, even if I had pulled myself together when I was with him, we probably still wouldn't end up together. So there isn't necessarily a reason for a break up, it just kind of happened as a matter of the last straw, and nobody ever needs another torment or want to excruciate their partner for the last time, that's why they choose to end things as gently as it could be by stating the can't-be-more-general reason: we didn't click.

But again, is it fair for the other, who is still in love, to not know the reason why things fall apart? maybe they know, maybe they can already tell the reason why from what had happened throughout their relationship, but they think it may not worth breaking up, and that they can still save their love, either by justifying or changing. But does it matter now? it takes two to start a relationship but only needs one person to end it. That's the fact that both have to be well conscious of and rest-assured so as to get themselves prepared for the worst situation that could happen.