one more day; @tangledthoughtsandtantrums - Tumblr Blog

Maybe this is the reason why I'm not properly sleeping lately, cause I keep thinking and planning and worrying about everything and hiding everything from my fam and him. Planning, huh. When all I really want is to have an accident and leave. I can't kill myself kasi I already promise my parents and him na I will fight pero they'll never know na I'm praying to God and hoping for an accident so I can finally, finally rest.

#thoughts

01/15/26. 2:04am.I wasn't able to sleep. Again. Thinking. Crying. I'm drowning.

"Good day po Doc Belle. This is patient Chrizta po. Sorry po for messaging this late at night. Doc, do you have extra slot for appointment po today January 15 po? It's not an naman po pero di po ako nakakatulog ng maayos ever since I came back from the province, and this is my 2nd night of actually not sleeping po, even with taking 10mg of melatonin. 🥲 I'm drowning in my thoughts pero I think I can still keep swimming by distracting myself with random cat or dog videos. Hehe If hindi po kayo available doc, we're scheduled naman po next week for follow up consultation, ask ko nalang po kung anong araw po schedule po natin next week? ☺️Thank you so much po doc, and again sorry po for messaging you ng gantong oras po."

This was the message na I was supposed to send po pero hindi sya nasend kasi wala akong load hahah and instead of sending it again kasi I was able to load my phone, I felt relief na hindi sya nasend. I suddenly felt bad for messaging out of nowhere and demanding an immediate sched when I know I can still breathe and survive and wait for next week. Hehe

Vacay experience was fun, daytime until dinner i spent time with with my family, after dinner i met up with friends sometimes pero most times I spent it with him.

We were good together. Until we had a fight, I had a drink with my relatives. I lost control. Di ko maalala ano mga sinabi ko sa kanya pero I hurt him. I lost control of my emotions and I cried a lot. Then di ako nakahinga while crying. Still, he managed to calm me down. As always. The next day he told me what happened, and god the guilt I felt knowing I hurt the one guy who managed to stay and understand me, felt so heavy. I want to punish myself. I I suddenly had the urge to really punish myself. I remember the gilette blade in my make up bag. I locked my room. I opened the blade and I kept it in my hand. I wasn't crying, I felt empty. I was deciding where I can hurt myself na hindi nila makikita. I know I can hide my wrists kasi malamig samen and lagi akong naka jacket. Pero hinanap nako ni mama para tumulong maglinis sa bahay at magluto ng para sa media noche. Sooo, tinago ko lang sa room ko yung blade and took a very deep breath then went outside smiling and talking with my fam. That night, I'm attending a mass when I can't stop thinking, and praying to God na pls punish me. Or please take me, baka mas better yon. I also tried breaking up with him pero he won't let me. NYE, we visited both our families pero the only thing running on my mind that night was di ko deserve mameet family nya and he's better off without me. I had a hard time focusing, needing to physically shake my head a few times to stop thinking and to focus sa mga kwentuhan ng fam. Good thing is we were able to talk after, I cried again kasi I realized na losing him would be painful to me ganon. And he assured me na he won't be leaving me.

I feel safe and happy with him pero I feel guilty every now and then kasi he loves me more that I love him. He's always telling me to send pictures and that he's obsessed with me pero I dont understand what can he see in me. And I keep doubting myself if I'm really ready for a relationship when one big fight and it sends me back to hurting myself.

#thoughts

#thoughts #quotes

a-dor-ing-girls

Dude, you know I’m doing bad when I escape to tumblr.