Entry 121 -
1797
It's been a while, diary. I've got some catching up to do. We've crossed the sea and settled in an entirely new land - Almaris!
Following our last successful dive into the Nether, we returned to Valwyck and prepared to depart aboard the Odyssey. We boarded our steamship and set a course according to the sea charts given to us by Edward Napier. We left a few days ahead of the Haensi and Imperial fleets as we planned.
What followed was, honestly, some of the most miserable months I've experienced in a long time. Deep sea travel does not agree with me. I've traveled by boat and ferry before, of course, but usually just to islands off the coast. Crossing the ocean, however, is an entirely different beast. Boat travel across short distances doesn't bother me, but months-long ocean journeys have a terrible affect. Rediscovering that I'm prone to seasickness was... well, not fun, to put it extremely mildly. It's easy to forget when you only travel across the ocean once every century or so. The pitch and swell of the enormous waves... it wrecks me! I spent practically our entire journey below deck on the Odyssey, ill to the point of immobility.
That's why I haven't written in a while. How could I hope to write in my condition? Not to get too disgusting, but a part of me worried I might... well... lose my stomach in the middle of writing an entry! If that happened, I'd lose hundreds of pages of work! It would ruin my diary!
But, moving on -
We had a brief stopover on the island chain that Cellie mentioned. From there, the Odyssey rejoined the Haensi fleet. I can't report much from the stopover since I was still quite sick and relegated to bed. Scouts from the Haensi and Imperial fleets reported a large land mass up ahead that seemed perfect for our needs. So, we set sail for what we hoped would be our future home. The Haensi fleet opted to settle in the northern past of the land mass, which we have dubbed 'Almaris.' The Imperial Navy split off and sailed toward the southeast, where they established their capital of Providence.
Providence - that name encapsulates the Imperial mindset well, don't you think? Striding boldly into the future under the care and keeping of God. It's a pretty sentiment to be sure. As for the people of Haense, they named their capital Karosgrad. 'Grad' is a New Marian suffix referring to cities, of course. And 'Karos' is derived from Karovic - the original name of House Carrion before they were called Carrion. It's a name that's very indicative of a return to traditionalism and one's roots.
The opposite philosophies behind the naming schemes are not lost on me. Edward mentioned to me that he was afraid Haense might be embracing traditionalist social politics to further establish their independence from the more liberal-minded modern Empire. It worries me as well, as an elven woman and a mage of many years. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place if Haense decides to undo its protections for elves and the magically-inclined. But! I did get some good news today from Providence... I'll get to that later, though.
Due to my illness, I'm afraid I was entirely useless during the Karosgrad construction efforts. But it appears they didn't really need me! I must say, human work-ethic and ingenuity always surprises me. I feel as though I blinked and suddenly they'd built a functioning city. Karosgrad seemingly appeared overnight, popping up like a mushroom after a rainstorm. The capital of Haense is a riotous celebration of Raevir architecture, which reflects the traditionalism embodied in its name. Strong, red walls encapsulating an explosion of color. Onion domes aplenty, of course! It wouldn't be a Raevir town without them.
When I first laid eyes on the city, all I could think of was the tiny town of Kralta back in Anthos. I remembered the humble, frowning, awkward, ungainly Lord Siegmund Carrion in his half-decayed fortress. I wonder what he would think of this city named in honor of his family. This city that wouldn't exist if he hadn't met and fallen in love with my dear friend Lorin. The Barbanovs are scions of the Tuvic line. Every last one of them traces their lineage back to my friend. A family tree with thousands of individuals springing from a single root.
I have been thinking a lot about family lately. More than usual, I mean. I know the topic of family is... recurring for me. But we'll put a pin in that thought for now as well. I'll get to it later.
Of course, the Barbanovs made sure that we had a proper museum in Karosgrad! I didn't believe any place would top our Flagship museum in New Reza... but this one is even better than before! The New Reza museum occasionally felt a little dank and gloomy. We didn't have a single window in the entire place, so it gave the feeling of being underground inside a cave. I'm happy to say that problem's been rectified! Our new museum is full of big windows and skylights to let in the sunshine. We've yet to set up any of our exhibits (repatriating items from the Void is a time-consuming and quite tiring process for me), but we have so much more space than before! I can't wait to begin filling our halls up with beautiful artifacts and artworks from history.
We have two exhibition halls specifically for rotating exhibits. Part of my duties as curator will be to come up with concepts to draw in visitors. (I get my own office now as well! Oh, how exciting!) I've already got ideas. We need to launch our Notable Women exhibition, of course. I'm also considering a Farewell-To-Arcas exhibition, where we display items from the old world.
I brought up my ideas at our yearly NGS meeting, which we held today in our brand new meeting room! (It's beautiful and much more spacious than the previous meeting spot in the archives.) Other items on the docket included promoting Kallian to the Circle and nominating him as head of the Exploration Division. Celestine also confirmed Edward Napier as head curator of our Providence Museum. He's working on securing a location and re-affirming our tax exempt status. Edward mentioned he'd be in talks with the Chancellery very soon. In addition, we debriefed our latest Nether mission and updated everyone on our progress. "The discovery of an air pocket within the Nether might be our greatest achievement yet!" Celestine said. Kallian stated that one of his goals as Exploration Leader will be to search for another functioning Nether portal. He plans to comb Almaris from North to South and make maps along the way. With that, our meeting was adjourned.
Edward approached me in the hallway outside of the meeting room. "Tanith, if you have a moment, my dear," he said to me, "Let's have a chat before I catch the train back to Providence."
"Oh, why, of course!" I replied. "We can meet in my office."
I lead him downstairs into the archives. My office is nestled in a little alcove among the bookshelves. Goodness me, I felt so important and official sitting behind that big wooden desk! In five hundred years of life, I've never had my own office. It'll take some getting used to, but I'm delighted by it.
Edward seated himself in a chair across from my desk and glanced around admiringly. "I remember you telling me once that you could never imagine yourself as a scholar or an adventurer," Edward commented with a smile. "You've entirely changed."
"I used to be shocked at the idea of women wearing pants," I giggled. "Now I'm wearing pants! Well... sometimes, at least. I've changed so much, I hardly recognize myself anymore. But in a good way."
Edward nodded, smiling. "The NGS has come so far. It's amazing that it all started from one little meeting in Helena in a tiny office the size of a closet."
A strange, soft sort of melancholy descended over me in that moment. "I wonder what they would think of me now," I mused.
I didn't have to explain who 'they' were. Edward knew it implicitly. "Proud," he said. "Conflicted, I imagine. But proud."
"Ehehe, I'm not sure they'd appreciate the new me," I mumbled. "I read Thomas's memoirs again recently. He praised how quiet and hardworking and dutiful I was. Looking back, that girl doesn't even sound like me."
"You're still hardworking and dutiful, I'd say," Edward said. "But quiet? No, no. You've found your voice and you use it. Blessedly so and to great effect."
"It didn't seem to have a great effect on Ostromir," I sighed. "I hear Providence is so beautiful. I wish I could see it myself."
"You can and you will," Edward announced, slapping my desk with a flat palm. "That's what I wanted to tell you. Ostromir is out! Kicked to the curb! Taken out with the rest of the trash!"
My eyes widened. "What?" I spluttered. "How - ?"
"He said the wrong thing to the wrong person and now he's reaping exactly what he sowed," Edward huffed. "I have a friend who is a doctor of renowned skill. A high elf woman. She was searching for employment at the Trissingham Palace. Ostromir wouldn't hire her unless she had a working knowledge of alchemy. So my friend, Dr. Mayan Avern, asked him to teach her in the art. He refused! For no reason other than the fact that Mayan is an elf!"
"That sounds like Ostromir," I sighed. "To him, I had no name other than 'elfski.' Which... isn't even a New Marian word! The New Marian word for elf is 'Malzy!'"
"He's an awful fake in every way," Edward said, leaning back in his chair and resting his hands atop his crossed legs. "But anyway, Mayan told me about it, of course. And I immediately wrote to my good friend, Imperial Princess Wilhelmina Beatrix. Within half an hour, his fate was sealed! He's going to be fired - and sent far away to some Godforsaken village in the north."
"Thank goodness..." I sighed with relief. "There's some justice in this world after all... I only wish he'd stood trial for everything he did."
"If the Unionists secure a sweeping victory in the House," Edward said, reaching over to grasp my forearm, "they might be able to lobby for Solicitor-General Baelius to be fired and for the case to be reopened. If you wanted, we could still bring it before the courts."
I blinked. "Unionists? I'm not familiar with that party."
"A splinter of the Everardines," Edward explained, retracting his hand. "The Unionists are mostly focused on smaller government and limiting the powers of officials. They've... adopted your case as a symbol of corruption within the Josephite party. Even seven years after the fact, no Josephite has responded to or addressed your criticisms."
"They swept me under the rug," I murmured.
"That's why the Solicitor-General barely investigated my case. They wanted to make me go away."
"They did," Edward said. "I doubt you want to be used as a political football. But we need your support behind the Unionists if we ever want a shot at solving your case legally. I want to publish the evidence we've got against Ostromir. Name him and shame him. I'd like to interview you about your experiences and publish them."
"Won't Ostromir dismiss this as a Muldavian plot?" I asked, my brows knitting in thought. "Isn't that the position he's taken on the situation? That it's Haensi propaganda?!"
"We've plenty of material to prove that isn't the case," Edward replied. "He can shout about Muldavian plots all he likes. People will recognize it as baseless fearmongering and conspiracy nonsense."
I reached into my purse and pulled out my diary. "Would this help?" I asked, showing Edward my little leather journal. It's red, with the sigil of Kaedrin embossed on the front. A five-petaled white rose with five green leaves and a yellow center.
"Your diary? Most certainly," Edward said.
I opened up my diary and found the entries concerning my kidnapping at the hands of Ostromir. With a single motion of my wrist, I ripped them out... and handed them across the desk to Edward. "Publish them, please," I said. "If you care to."
Edward took the pages in hand. He folded them delicately and tucked them into his waistcoat. "Of course. I'll be interviewing you in the coming days. We're going to win this thing, Tanith. Justice will be done one way or another." With that, he got up to leave.
As Edward was heading out, James popped his head into the office. "So this is where you're hiding," he commented, strolling into the room with his hands in his pockets. "Cozy. Plenty of shelf space."
"Isn't it nice?" I smiled and gestured for him to sit down. James slid into the chair which had, a moment before, been occupied by Edward. "Were you taking a look around the museum? Or... were you eavesdropping?"
"When I hear a fascinating conversation, I can't help but listen," James answered with a shrug of his shoulders. "If it were me, I'd want to make an example of him too. Let everyone know that his behavior won't be tolerated. Losing his job... that's something. But nothing will change if people don't know exactly why he's been fired."
"It seems impossible to make wealthy people answer for their crimes," I exhaled. "But I've been very lucky in my life so far. Maybe I'll keep being lucky and Ostromir will get his." Not wanting to linger much more on the subject of my torture, I moved on. "I'm glad you came by. I was hoping you wanted to keep working with me on the Junior NGS?"
"Yeah, sure," James answered. "Except..." He lapsed into silence. I studied him from across the desk. James's sly smile faded from his face as he glanced around the office. "Everything is weird now," he said, rubbing his neck and looking to the side.
"Oh..." I suddenly realized what he meant. "I forgot. It's your first time."
"Why is everyone acting so casual?" he asked, returning his gaze to meet mine. "They're treating it as if it's no big deal. We were forced from our homes and migrated en masse to a different continent... and people are talking about it as though we just moved down the street. Like nothing's changed. That's not what happened."
I'd never heard James speak so seriously. Normally, he's relaxed. A little bit flippant, but in a charming way. I frowned. "What's your perspective on it?" I inquired.
"Helena is gone," James said with a gravity I wouldn't have expected from him. "The village where I grew up? Gone. The tavern where I met Yuliya? Gone. My first apartment? Gone. Luna's room? The basement where I held the first Helena Midnight Melee? The stage where I made my acting debut? Gone. Gone. Gone." He slumped in his chair, draping his neck over the back. "Not to mention my bank and all of my funds. I had a trust fund and now I'm broke."
I've written it before, but... James reminds me of me. So much so. In his words, I recognized a pain I've felt a thousand times. I bit my bottom lip.
"Nothing prepares you for it," I said after a moment's silence. "I've... told you about this. But... a facet of elven life... of the long lives we are simultaneously blessed and cursed to live... is the fact that there are places we can never go back to. In a way, everyone experiences that to greater and lesser degrees. Places change over time. But for us, it's different. The longer you live, the more places will only exist in your memories." I thought of the rose bush that grew under my window in Anthos. "There are places I would give an arm and a leg to see again, even for a moment."
"How do you handle it?" James asked - and there was an aching sincerity to his tone.
I reached up to my neck and pushed my hair aside. Around my throat hung a bronze locket. I unclasped the latch and let the pendant drop into my palm. Inside the locket was a miniature painting of the Helena skyline. Gently, I placed it on the desk in front of James. "Zodd gave this to me on my wedding day," I said to James. "Do you remember it?"
"Vaguely..." James took the locket in his hands. He held it with great delicacy - as though it were a fragile blossom or a hatching egg. "Didn't realize how good of a keepsake it was."
"Helena is something of a mixed bag for me," I said. "For obvious reasons. It's the place where I met you and Edward and my husband. But... well, what happened with Ostromir tainted it for me. It leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I think Helena might've meant more to you than it did for me. If you want the locket, it's yours."
James hesitated for a moment. He closed the locket with his thumb and tucked it gently into the breast pocket of his waistcoat. "Thank you," he muttered.
"The first is always the hardest," I reassured him. A part of me felt grotesque for suggesting that he'd adjust to the apocalypse. But what else could I say? It was true.
"You've been well?" James asked, changing the subject. "I haven't seen Icroth lately."
I frowned. "I haven't heard from him since we set out," I said. "My hope is that his ship hit some delays or... oh, I don't know. I would send out letters, but there's no telling where he is."
"He'll turn up," James replied. "He's tough."
"He is." I managed to smile. "God will guide him back to me, I'm sure of it."
I said earlier in this entry that I've been thinking about family a lot lately. We live in a world of impermanent things. Empires rise and fall in a repeating cycle. Cities burn to the ground, then they're rebuilt. Kingdoms split and merge. Items get lost, destroyed, broken. Humans reach the end of their short lives and die. I married Icroth because I wanted something that would last. When the world falls away... when we have to uproot everything we know and move somewhere else... I'd still have Icroth through it all. Centuries might pass, but he'd still be there. We elves have no choice but to cling to each other. Our love for each other is the only thing in this world that can truly, truly last.
"James..." I began. "Would you... would you mind if I said something strange?"
James smiled. "I relish the strange."
"Would you..." I wracked my brain for how to phrase the request properly. "Would you consider, maybe... letting Icroth and I adopt you?"
James's face went blank. "...Oh!" he exclaimed and seemingly didn't know what else to say.
I felt my cheeks heat up and turn dark. "I-If that's too much, I understand," I stuttered out, feeling embarrassed for having asked.
"No, no!" James held up his hands. "... What do you mean by it, exactly? I'm not a child anymore."
"You don't stop being family when you grow up, do you?"
"No, but... typically... hrm..." He trailed off, his brow furrowing.
I stumbled to explain myself. "S-Somehow, when we talk... I always find myself giving you advice and fussing over you," I uttered. "And when I look at you... you... remind me of myself in so many ways. I know I can fuss and lecture and give advice without being your mother, but... but... I've always wanted a family. And... you feel like you could be family. If you wanted to be."
"Have you spoken to Icroth?" he asked.
I shook my head. "It occurred to me on the trip over here," I said with a sheepish smile. "Seeing yet another continent succumb to an apocalypse, well... It makes you think. About permanence and impermanence. It makes the bonds between elves so much more important. I'd have to talk to Icroth before we made anything official, but... I don't think he'd mind."
"My first thought is..." James averted his eyes, glancing down and to the side. The corner of his mouth twitched in a small smile... and if I'm not mistaken, I saw a hint of a flush rise into his pale cheeks. "I don't dislike the idea. I've already changed my name once, might as well do it again. No big deal." The joking, casual, flippantly charming tone returned to his voice. "What are the house rules? Is Icroth going to make me quit drinking?"
I laughed. "No, no! My thought is... we'll figure it out as we go along. You don't have to change your name. The same with calling anyone 'mother' or 'father.' The trappings are secondary to the relationship if you ask me. We're grown adult people. We can decide on whatever fits best. The bottom line is... I want you to be my family. And everything else is frosting on the cake."
"You've got to have some rules. How else will people know you're my mother?" James joked.
"How about..." I suggested. "You visit once a Saint's Week and we have a nice talk like this. And you have to introduce me to any girlfriends. Once they're serious, at least. You have to make your bed... and you mustn't let the laundry pile up... And... I'll only bail you out of jail once every fifty years, so make it count."
James grinned. "Fifty years. That's doable."
I'll likely never know who my parents were. They're probably long dead. As for my descendants, the Toovs... if they still exist, they're across the ocean in Aeldin...
But families don't have to be born. They can be made. Love isn't just reserved for the people who share your bloodline. James isn't my biological child. He doesn't look like me one bit. He doesn't have grey skin or red eyes... or pink hair. But he can be my son all the same, so long as we have love.