It hurt terribly, the writhing and crawling feeling that wormed its way through her veins.
Her body ached as every nerve reawoke with the feeling of clawlike roots digging into her, vines blooming through her and forcing her old blood clear and replacing it with... something.
her vision swirled with pinpricks of light, confusing and disorienting, like a puzzle trying to solve itself by reconfiguring each piece every other second.
But, finally, when the feeling began to fade, it was replaced with a strange sort of hopeful warmth. It was almost pleasant after the agony she'd endured, almost.
Her vision began to clear, each little piece of light slotting back into place, though her surroundings still didn't make much sense to her at the moment.
She peeled herself from the ground, grassy vines ripping away from her pelt as she did so. It stung, but she persisted, pulling herself away from the overgrowth and strange fire colored leaves.
Where's... her kit? Their kit...
Wait, whose...?
hers?
her and... someone...
her mind suddenly spun with the questions, feeling a pricking sensation pulling at the thoughts as they formed.
She tried to remember, but it was pulled away from her just as suddenly.
Who?
The world spun and swayed around her as she struggled to walk, not knowing where exactly she was meant to go.
She just had to find... something. It was out here somewhere, but... she just needed to find it.
It couldn't be real, it felt like a nightmare. The scent of the smoke was almost so overpowering any cat passing through would expect to be greeted with a wildfire, but no, it was Smokestar's pelt billowing like she herself was set ablaze. And with the way her eyes stung from the ashy tears, she felt she may as well have been.
The kit on her back mewled and clung to her pelt with surprisingly strong grip, as though her claws were made from latching beetle legs. That thought made Smokestar uneasy, trying to suppress a shiver. Just get the kit to safety, then... then you can come back and... and...
the thought refused to finish itself, smoke curling around her face, slightly obscuring her vision. Her mind forced her to focus on this task, refusing to let the fresh memory be touched, tucking it away in the darkest corner where she shouldn't look. "It's gonna be okay, you're safe, It's gonna be okay" she found herself muttering.
When she got to camp she would be too stunned to fully explain the kit's origin, too shocked to remember to gather a burial patrol, leaving the cooling body to lay where it fell. Guilt and terror created a crashing wave that lapped at her paws, trying to pull her under.
It was too dark out now, yes, much too late to send out anycat. right? right. She fussed with the pelts lining the nursery as the new kit slept snugly in a fresh nest, her own kits looking on with curiosity shining in their eyes. She gave a halfhearted smile and waved them to come closer.
Lambkit jumped up first, trotting over to his mothers side as Twilightkit and all her butterflies followed. The three of them sat together in the corner of the nursery, as Smoke showed the kits how to make little prey replicas with pieces of moss and little bits of fur taken from the smaller prey pelts.
For that moment, she felt at ease, seeing her kits happily snuggled with their new moss plushes. Maybe it really had been just a nightmare, maybe she hadn't actually seen what she thought she saw happen.
After all, she felt too tired to truly be awake, maybe in the morning everything would feel normal. Maybe... Maybe she'd even wake up and be home again.
Bear chased Coyote around the clearing, both seemingly excited about their new forms. after everything they'd been through before, who wouldn't be happy about this gift? they'd even spoke about dreams like this when they were kits, in moments shared hiding from patrols.
Sheepsight called over to them not to wander off, but Bear pretended she couldn't hear him as she followed Coyote past the bushes leading into the treeline.
she was about to say something but was cut off by Coyote stopping abruptly, tail slightly raised to signal to keep quiet.
and after a few moments, she began to hear it; a strange sort of fluttering noise accompanied by an almost inaudible humming.
"you hear it?" Coyote asked, trying to keep his voice low, pointing with his nose as he walked closer, tail swishing nervously.
as he got close enough to sort of see the small figure hiding in the bushes, he seemed to only notice one thing; "they... they're covered in worms... i think it's..." he trailed off, looking a little horrified.
"whuh?" the kit's voice was faint, almost a whisper, turning her head towards Coyote's voice. the tall grass rustled and shook as the kit slowly got to her paws, swaying a little as dizziness from dehydration threatened to claim her.
he didn't smell any fresh blood, but he smelled a wound on the kit, though it didn't smell infected, it did seem close to it. Coyote tried to look over to where Bear was just standing but found her nearly at his side already, making him jump a little.
"oh my stars! you're practically all bone, poor thing" she gasped, lowering herself to check the kit over for open wounds. she didn't smell any other cats around other than the ones she'd been staying with, but strangely their scent was muffled by the smell of the earthy mud and pine trees.
Coyote nudged Bear's shoulder with his snout to get her attention, letting her know they should bring the kit back to camp before the others come looking for them. she nodded, motioning for the kit to hop on her back. usually she would've grabbed them by the scruff to carry them back, but with her teeth being thicker and sharper than before, she was worried she'd hurt the kit if she tried.
once they were back in the clearing with the others, Sheepsight immediately began lecturing them on the importance of listening when someone tells you not to wander off. he was almost too distracted to notice the new addition clinging to Bear's fur, and with wide eyes he made a noise like one of the long necked birds Bear had once seen fly overhead during the cold season.
"who?" he pointed with a shaky paw, looking confused and concerned, "how?"
"we found them just outside the clearing! look! they're green!" Coyote declared loudly, drawing the others attention.
everyone had gathered around to marvel at the usual kit, making Bear feel suddenly protective, "alright now yall, back up, you're scaring the poor thing!" she flashed her teeth reflexively to emphasize her stance, earning a few looks of surprise and fear from the cats around her.
Spiderfern explained to the others that sometimes kits are left in rarely frequented areas when they show signs of being "ghost sighted", which is believed to be bad luck.
"must've been there for days by the looks of it, we gotta hurry and fill some moss with water for them," she looked to Sheepsight, "do you think there's a water source near enough here that you could do that?"
Sheep thought for a moment, turning his head this way and that to see if he could see any immediate signs of a reservoir trail. usually clearing like this would have one leading to a hill or cliff where the water wouldrun off, but sometimes they lead to temporary lakes or even rivers, his old mentor had taught him this back in Ghostclan.
"wait wait! i can help!" Mist leaped up with excitement, a small whirl of rain clouds spinning around her.
as the others became busy helping the kit and tending to the fire, Spiderfern found herself thinking about her old life again. it made her head hurt.
Bear looked to her friend, seeing the bubbling emotions hidden behind her usual stoic expression even across the clearing. she could tell when Spider was particularly upset, her face would set tighter and her head would dip low as though listening to the unheard curses of the darkness below.
in the days when they were rogues, having just escaped their old clan, Spider had done this frequently, using her stewing anger to defend them from ambush.
Bear knew the danger that Spider's silence could hold, and with their new forms it could be catastrophic if left unattended, especially with no threats to relieve the winding tension.
so, cautiously, she padded over to Spider, nudging her head against her friend's shoulder lightly.
"hey bug, y'doing alright?" Bear's new form now made her much larger than Spider, but she didn't seem to mind, stretching her head up to nuzzle under Bear's chin.
"myeah, s'nothin i can't handle, yknow..." but her eyes betrayed her true feelings, glancing off to the side as the memories of their old clan billowed around her like the plumes that swirled around Smokestar's pelt.
though to someone who didn't know her as well, she looked perfectly complacent, if a bit bored, a practiced mask that easily slid over her face and distorted the way most other cats saw her.
to some she was aloof and unserious, and to others she was harsh, cold, unfriendly. but these were the tools she had crafted to survive, to keep herself and her friends alive after escaping that wretched clan. they'd been all she had after all.
"Spider? are you listening?" Bear gave a concerned look.
"huh? oh, um sorry, what'dyou say?" she apologized, ears flat from the slight embarrassment.
"it's okay, i was just asking if you wanted to help set up nests in the herb den. Ms Smoke said her pa told her this is where our new home'll be."
"mm" Spiderfern hummed skeptically. sure, the others had been nice enough to them, but with all this weird mutation stuff happening and Smoke proclaiming herself leader all of a sudden... it just felt too familiar, but she couldn't exactly put her paw on why.
"i guess..." she finally relented, hoping at least this would give her something to do other than hunt or gather herbs.
"ya don't gotta if you don't-"
Spiderfern cut her off with an abrupt shake of her head, nearly flinging a spider at her face, "it's fine!" she snapped.
Bear stepped back a little, startled, "hey now, i know yer upset but don't go yelling at me now," her tone was sincere with a note of hurt by her friend's outburst.
Spider's expression fell, and the mask slipped, "I I'm sorry..."
she was getting too angry, too upset, again. she felt stupid, this would have gotten her exiled in their old clan, and for them that would mean death. to be hunted and killed like prey. torn apart. her thoughts spiraled once again, her claws raking the dirt as the spiders on her pelt scrambled around in a sudden frenzy.
Bear sighed, lowering herself to catch her friend as she fell, even as she felt the strange red spiders crawling over her fur.
Spiderfern was always pushing herself until she explodes, trying to take on responsibilities she shouldn't have to bear the weight of. Bear had always felt grateful for her though, if it wasn't for her then both Bear and Coyote wouldn't have survived the escape...
Bear purred as she comforted her friend, the sun peaking through the leaves of the canopy overhead, warming their pelts.
the rest of the clan could wait, for now they would lay here until Spiderfern felt calm again, however long that may take, Bear would be there for her.
Ducky had never in her entire life thought she'd ever see a cat with wings, let alone be one, and not only that but two of her kits as well! though she supposed it wasn't of much use to her since she wasn't particularly fond of heights.
"Ma, how come Mist gets rain powers and we only get wings?" Jade's voice brought Ducky back to reality.
or at least she assumed this is reality...
best not to dwell on that.
"hm? oh, uh, i dunno hun. i suppose that's just how it's supposed to be?" though as she said this, she couldn't help but wonder what any of this meant. why had they been given these... powers or whatever?
why were they here? why was Smoke suddenly so keen on starting a clan now? it didn't make sense.
she didn't really want to think about it too much, but it still bothered her.
this wasn't really what you'd a normal occurence obviously, they'd all just been asleep moments ago in the broken stumbler nest where they'd taken refuge from the storm of infected that came stampeding through the area.
it had just been dark out, almost no stars in the sky... and now...
now they're out in who knows where, exposed and nearly prey shaped!
the wings, she felt, were too heavy for them to really work, she had assumed at least. how were they meant to take off? just jump?
she looked to her youngest, Mist, who was joyfully splashing in puddles and teasing her siblings with the rain. though they were all six moons of age, Mist had been born last, and was considered Ducky's "mini me", with Silver looking the most like their father.
he had been a clan cat kinda like Smokedawn, she vaguely recalled. she remembered the way he purred as they picked the names of their kits as they laid curled in the nursery.
he'd convinced her to leave her old home, to join him in the stumbler's broken nest with his clan..
she closed her eyes as the brief memory pressed it's claws to Ducky's brain, making her suddenly feel cold and breathless. she could still see him there, frozen with terror as the yowl caught in her throat, warning him much too late.
too many blank, lifeless eyes stared back at her in the dying light of the sunset. the thundering of hundreds of stumbling footsteps echoed in her ears as she watched him get swept away by the herd, smears of red with tufts of stained white fur clinging to the mud crusted feet of the infected.
she shook it off, sighing harshly through her nose to get it out of her head.
the apparitions faded, leaving an old wound throbbing against her ribcage, the world swaying around her.
forget it!
she blinked away the memory, as the others were trying to decide where to make the dens, setting up a fire pit, it seemed like everyone had gotten busy doing whatever it was that Smokedawn had asked of them.
everyone except her son, Jade, he had a concerned expression painting his features with worry, paw extended like he wanted to get her attention but was hesitant.
it made her chest hurt and feel rotten, though she tried not to let her fur bristle because of it. he was much too young to bear her burdens.
she couldn't let him see her sink into those memories again. he should never have to witness such things... he's just a kit!
her kit!
her responsibility.
she needed to keep him safe, keep them all safe, and she couldn't do that if she let the memory drag her back. she felt her throat tighen and her eyes stung, but she forced herself to
forget...
she put on a smile for him, bumping her head against Jade's gently, "sorry there hun, I'm alright, just got distracted a moment, no worries" her voice sounded strained, betraying her true emotions, but Jade only nodded, trying to hide his own feelings of worry.
he wished she wouldn't treat him like a kit so much, but he tried to understand that she was trying her best to protect them the only way she knew how.
a thought tried to prick at her again, the dull lashing of words from long past that should have stung again, but instead it slid numbly over her pelt like a feather dropping from her new wings.
she looked down at it, and crushed it under her paw.
Smokestar found herself faced first by her mate Sheepsight, who had been transformed by whatever had willed her strange ability into existence as well. he was speaking too fast for her confused mind to decipher the words.
and as she looked around, she saw the others had become something else as well.
Sheepsight looked visibly distressed as he stared at his hooves, which had replaced his paws. his eyes were strange and wide, reminding her of the woolen creatures of his namesake.
was this to do with their names? she wondered, seeing the strange red spiders crawl along Spiderfern pelt. was this... a curse?
she shivered, failing to supress a look of unease.
Spiderfern seemed to have noticed, giving a soft smile, tilting her head side to side, making the spider hanging on to her ear sway in tandem as though waving a greeting.
Smokestar couldn't help but give a small smile in return.
what a strange kit, the thought seemed to snap her out of her state of disorientation momentarily.
and for that moment a memory crossed her vision.
when she had found Spiderfern, already named a warrior at 6 moons and trying to defend her "rogue group", they had been so terribly miserable looking, so thin from barely getting any prey, and their coats had been extremely matted, smelling of sickness. it'd taken many nights for them to recover this far.
many sleepless nights, filled with uncertainty and dread. fearing she'd wake up and they'd just be...
gone...
it made her feel dizzy to remember, the emotions stirring the smoke around her into waves that crashed and rolled like the ripples in a pond. she held her breath, and tried to count to ten.
the memory pulled at the anger that had surged within her when she heard of the old clan these kits had come from, the cruelty they'd endured.
of the constant risk during raids, and the exile of elders who were deemed a strain on resources.
she exhaled slowly, the haze shifting, clinging to her pelt like fog. it was almost comforting.
almost.
no cat deserves to be treated like a burden. especially after doing so much for their clan. they did not ask to be put into such a life. it was unfair.
cast away to fend for themselves...
it's not right!
she stared into the foliage, a thought forming and shifting behind her eyes, like the steady flow of the wispy smoke around her.
maybe these... whatever they'd received could make it fair? could help her make things right? if it was a curse, they would be a curse upon those who wronged them, those careless cats who dared to toss them away like rotten prey.
her eyes lit up and she felt her skin buzzing with a newfound sense of purpose.
yes! she'd make it fair, she had the ability now, the power to make a clan that's prosperous and just.
she would make it fair for everycat...
and they'd have to listen to her!
she could protect them better now, with her nine lives as a leader, she was stronger now just like she'd always wanted!
she gazed at her kits lovingly as they roamed around the clearing.
If only they knew how truly special they are, she beamed.
they'll know, one day.
but today they would need to rest, and tomorrow they would set up camp properly!
Badgerclan...
yeah, she liked the sound of it.
strong.
resilient.
brave.
Badgerclan. She looked to Sheepsight with a grin, he seemed confused, but seeing his mate happy seemed to help calm him from his previous panicking.
15 moons since she'd last seen her father, more than 3 moons since she'd last been in her old clan. at least, these are the numbers she thinks it is, it could've been seasons...
she'd been so distraught that she hasn't been able to keep track of the sunrises properly.
in Ghostclan, it was required yo mark the passage of time, to make sure the freshkill pile stayed fresh.
she and her mate, Sheepsight, had been exiled by Stonestar the new leader after Privetstar passed. Stonestar had proclaimed to have had a vision about them, using this as their reasoning for exile.
Ghostclan...
her old home.
"Smoke will rise and burn away the ghosts, a torch weilded by wolves in sheeps pelt. you will only betray us." the expression they'd held was one she'd never forget. disgust.
as though her very existence then had been an offense.
she hadn't understood at the time, and even now she found herself confused and hurt by the decision.
how could they?!
all she'd ever wanted was family.
to protect her clan.
to be strong.
to continue her father's legacy and raise strong warriors for her clan...
everything she'd done was for them!
so how could they just toss her away like this!
she hissed in frustration, swatting a vine away from her path. it wasn't fair! she was the daughter of the former deputy, that had to mean something right! otherwise, what was the point!
she yowled as a sudden pain in her head caught her attention, feeling as though she'd been swatted by a huge unseen paw.
when she opened her eyes, she found herself surrounded by shrubs and bushes, all entangled in thick vines that almost resembled roots hanging from the sky.
"indignation is unbecoming of you my kit, i did not raise you to tantrum in times of uncertainty."
Smoke felt her fur prickle and stand on end as she raised her head to see where the boice was coming from, seeing her father towering over her from within the foliage as though she was but a moon old again.
"dad..." her voice was hushed, strained, as though fighting through a mouth full of sap.
"hush, just listen, listen well," his eyes dripped with the colors of the sky, stars falling into the grass and twinkling dully, "to fight the rot that seeks to feed, you must become much more."
her chest began to feel strange, warm, and vapor seemed to melt off her pelt like an overfull hive. when she breathed, she noticed crackles of ember emanating from deep within her. and soon in dawned on her, the vapor was not water, but smoke from her pelt produced by some unknown means.
she looked at her father with wide, panicked eyes, "how... how is this possible? am i dreaming? what's happening, dad please!" but nothing would make it out of her mouth, the words swirling in her mind as she tried to reach out to him.
he simply shook his head, placing a firm paw upon her muzzle, "there is no time, the others will be awake soon, you must lead them. i know you won't disappoint me." his gaze softened for a moment, "may the forest guide you to bountiful harvests, Smokestar."
and with that, she awoke alone in a clearing, lungs burning and pelt smoking as though she was on fire. her mind was a blur matching the haze around her, questions spinning with no concrete answer to speak of.
how was she supposed to explain this to the others? why had her father done this? how? and most importantly, how was she supposed to find the others?!
the last question, thankfully did have an answer nearby, though it was found with a startled yowl and puffed fur, she found the others... but they only brought more confusion...
Olive recovers from yellowcough. She can finally do her work as mediator. She offers to mediate between Windfur and Shiverpaw, who have a very strenuous mentor-apprentice relationship.
(Olive, mediator, female, 68 moons. Calm.)
(Windfur, medicine cat, male, 26 moons. Lonesome.)
(Shiverpaw, medicine cat apprentice, 12 moons. Loving.)
---
Olive had one job. Just one. She hadn't gotten the chance to do her job in a year. She just wanted to actually contribute to her new, gracious home, for once in twelve moons. What she didn't expect was for Clan cats to pull teeth trying to talk about how they felt.
Yes, she wasn't a saint. She knew how it felt to keep things repressed. But the Clan had started to feel the rift between Windfur and Shiverpaw, and she noticed some members of the Clan starting to subtly take sides over who they trusted to care for them. Considering the things in the woods, she wasn't keen on seeing a group of tightly-knit cats experience a divide of any kind.
Coaxing Shiverpaw and Windfur to gently agree to a mediation was easier than she expected. Getting them to actually talk wasn't.
"When did this truly start?"
Shiverpaw stared at the floor and shrugged. Windfur looked away into the treeline and didn't say anything. Olive sighed.
"Both of you agreed to be here today. This means you both acknowledge there is an issue. Correct?"
Windfur hummed in acceptance. Shiverpaw gave a single nod, still staring at the floor.
"...This also suggests you are both willing to find a resolution."
Still, a reluctant acquiescence.
"I'm here to prevent an argument, and to allow both sides to speak their thoughts clearly. For example," Olive stretched and rolled on her back. Her green eyes flickered with calm submission as she spoke. "What would be the ideal result, and what do you believe would be a realistic result to our mediation today? Windfur, we can start with you. There are no wrong answers."
Windfur froze, his tail tucked tightly around his legs. His dark blue eyes were filled with hesitation. After a few moments of collecting himself, he meowed, "I just want to…go back to how things were in early leaf-fall. But I know that's not realistic."
Shiverpaw's ears twitched, but she said nothing.
"What do you believe to be realistic?" Olive prompted.
Windfur's tail twitched. "...I don't know."
"Okay. Think about it for a moment then. Shiverpaw, how about you?"
Shiverpaw's eyes didn't leave the ground. Olive was patient, and allowed her to think. She remembered being tended to by the young apprentice, when her back was still broken. She was skilled, and gentle with her patients. But she was also anxious, and prone to allow her mind to leave her body. She had taught her how to ground herself, many moons ago. Olive blinked slowly at Shiverpaw, but said nothing.
Shiverpaw's claws stretched and tapped at the ground gently. Finally, she meowed, "In a world with no pain, I wouldn't be hurt in the first place. But I'm not in that world. I'm here."
"And do you think you can alleviate that pain in our world?"
"From others, yes."
"And yourself?"
Silence.
Olive suppressed a sigh and sat back up. "I'll give you some time to think. In the meantime - Windfur? Have you thought about what a realistic outcome today could be?"
Windfur paused for only a moment before sighing, his tail twitching. "Well, I tried to apologize before. So I don't know."
Olive tilted her head. "Okay. Shiverpaw, do you feel like Windfur tried to apologize?"
Shiverpaw seemed sheepish. "...I guess," she mumbled.
"Is forgiveness something you feel you can give Windfur one day?"
As Shiverpaw didn't answer, still refusing to look at either cat, Windfur's fur slowly started bristling. His ears threatened to droop. Shiverpaw must've noticed this, as she finally sighed, her ears flattened behind her head.
"I don't know if I feel comfortable saying anything while you're here, Olive. I'm sorry."
Olive actually brightened by this notion, her ears perked up. "If I left you alone for a while, would you feel comfortable talking about this yourselves?"
Windfur seemed resistant, but when Shiverpaw nodded, the medicine cat reluctantly agreed as well. Olive yawned, then stretched her legs.
"Very well. I will return to the center of camp. I will check on you two in twenty minutes. Is that fine?"
"Yes. That'll do. Thank you, Olive," Windfur sighed. As the two watched Olive step out of the quiet corner of camp and padding over to speak with Riversnow at the cooking fire, Shiverpaw finally spoke, her voice near-monotone.
"I could have died. Barleywave and Morningspot too."
"I know." Windfur's ears flattened and he stared at the floor in shame.
"So why? Why send me out there?"
"I didn't know you would struggle, or that the blizzard would get so bad so quickly."
"A moon before that, I was almost killed by a Woodcrawler," Shiverpaw continued. Her voice held no sharpness, only sorrow. "Tree saved me. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have known it was there."
The silence was thick.
"And still, you sent me out in charge of a patrol, not even a moon after, in dangerous conditions."
"Because I trusted you," Windfur protested, his chest tightened.
"In a season I've never seen before?"
"Shiverpaw, please, you must believe me," the tom's tail twitched and his dark blue eyes were pleading. "I wasn't trying to hurt you. I just…I…"
"Did Chicoryglint treat you like this?"
Windfur looked at her with wide eyes in disbelief. His mouth hung open in shock. Shiverpaw gave him a stunned stare, as though the question surprised her as well, but her expression solidified, deciding she was satisfied with it. As Windfur finally processed the question, his fur bristled.
"Why are you asking this? How do you know her name?" he asked crossly.
"You mentioned her a few times when I was a fresh apprentice. You stopped talking about her not long after. The -....StarClan mentioned her to me last half-moon," Shiverpaw stumbled on her last sentence, momentarily guarded.
The two clerics stared at each other intensely for a while. The sounds of camp were drowned out by the anticipation of an answer. Windfur's ears twitched slightly, as though trying to parse his thoughts into a coherent answer. Finally, he closed his eyes, then forced his fur to lie flat.
"...Well?" Shiverpaw prompted.
"Give me a moment," Windfur replied, his voice tense. Shiverpaw gave him this grace. The two medicine cats remained in a tense silence as Windfur collected his thoughts. Finally, when the tom replied, his voice was quiet.
"...How old are you, Shiverpaw?"
Shiverpaw tilted her head. "Twelve moons."
Windfur blinked. That answer seemed to surprise him, for some reason. Just when she thought that she'd have to prompt him for an answer again, Windfur let out a deep sigh, then looked out into the middle of camp. His gaze was distant.
"...I've been thinking a lot about her. I loved my mentor. I really did. She was kind. Incredibly skilled. She challenged me to learn as much as I could, and taught me everything I know. She sang me songs. Helped me memorize treatments. I was devastated when she died." He paused again. "...I was twelve moons old when I became the sole medicine cat."
Shiverpaw didn't know how to feel. As much as she didn't like him, she couldn't imagine being left to take care of the clan on her own today. Did he really receive his name this early? She paused as her mind wandered to foggy memories of her kithood - Windfur always looked so tall and wise, just like all the adults. Is…that how Cloudthunder's kits saw her? She didn't feel like an adult. She barely knew what she was doing half the time. Windfur must've mistook her silence for pity, as he glanced at her and gave a hard stare.
"It's fine. I figured it out," he said. But after a few moments, he looked away. More quietly, he added, "...I wish I didn't have to."
"...You weren't left with much of a choice. She died," Shiverpaw murmured.
"No…she didn't."
Shiverpaw bristled. Suddenly, the words made by the beings not from StarClan made sense - asking if they knew where she was, as though there was a place outside of StarClan that she could be found.
"I thought she did. It was easier to believe that. Because if she didn't," Windfur swallowed. "Then it meant she waited until I was good enough to leave. And then I'd have to question the motives of everything else she did."
Shiverpaw was careful with her next words. She didn't know what kind of cat Chicoryglint was. But it didn't justify his choices to push Shiverpaw into situations she wasn't prepared for. It made her feel like Windfur didn't like being around her. When she opened her mouth to say something, Windfur interrupted her by raising a paw.
"This is not an excuse for my actions." Windfur lowered his paw, then curled his tail around himself. "I…acknowledge that this impacted my judgment over what you could do," Windfur struggled to finish his sentence. "And…I just want to apologize."
The sound of birds and Cloudthunder's kits squabbling loudly dominated the space left by their silence. Shiverpaw let herself sit with what Windfur told her. He said he realized how much his actions hurt her, but did he really? The moon that she and Talontooth first saw Nature's Mockery - that was what actually changed everything. Not the Woodcrawler she saw with Tree, and not the blizzard. He started growing aloof and more avoidant of her. When was the last time she actually went on a patrol with him? The fact that she couldn't remember upset her.
Is THAT what she wanted an apology for?
Shiverpaw sighed. She couldn't just hope that someone would know exactly what she wanted now. She didn't like the vulnerability. But she agreed to a mediation. If she didn't do something now, then what was the point of this mortifying endeavor?
"I know you want to apologize for the blizzard. But that's not the only thing I'm mad about. It's just…I felt like…" Shiverpaw felt heat swell up in her face in embarrassment and frustration.
Windfur's anxiety waiting for an answer must've boiled over. "Please. Please let me fix it," he mewed pathetically.
Shiverpaw burst. "If you wanted to fix it, why did you avoid me?"
Windfur's eyes widened for a split second.
"When's the last time you invited me on patrol? When's the last time you weren't actively trying to ignore me unless you had to teach me?" Shiverpaw failed to stop the words from pouring out. "Two moons into my apprenticeship, and my mentor starts avoiding me. Like I did something wrong, something to make you hate me." She hated that her voice cracked. "So of course I gave up after the storm. Why bother? I was a kid whose mentor shoved her into danger without help. How else was I supposed to interpret your actions? If you actually cared about me, why did you only start trying when you realized it made you look bad?"
Shiverpaw finally bit her tongue and suppressed a hiss. She was angry and upset and guilty, it was just tragedy after tragedy, and she felt like it was all her fault that Talontooth was -
The bottle exploded.
"I have to go," she blurted quickly before getting up and quickly distancing herself from the lonely corner, her heart filled with pain and anger. She didn't look back.
Only when she found a way to sneak out of camp and climb into a pine tree did she finally let herself wail.
---
When Olive returns and Shiverpaw is absent, she decided to help Windfur work through his feelings alone. The conversation does help Windfur decide what to do next, and he thanks her for it.
Windfur failed. He horribly, horribly, horribly failed. This was the worst possible way this could've unfolded, and Windfur felt like he may as well have been stabbed by a Woodcrawler. At least then, he could atone in a way that mattered.
But no. Moon after moon, he had one more failure to add to his ever-growing list of evidence for why he was the worst cat in ForestClan, and he would deserve it. A terrible cat who was mentored by a terrible mentor that nobody liked except for him - and he hated himself for still being unable to acknowledge her folly.
He was so caught up in his self loathing, staring at his paws with his tail thrashing that he didn't notice Olive padding back up to him.
The she-cat tilted her head at Shiverpaw's absence, but her eyes flickered with some expression of knowing. "Where's Shiverpaw?"
"...I don't know."
Olive's ear twitched, but her tail remained still, making her true thoughts unreadable. "What was said?"
Windfur was resistant to speak, but as Olive pointed out that she was here to mediate communications between cats, he defeatedly went through key points. When he finally said that Shiverpaw felt like he had ignored her for moons, he left Olive with silence. He felt like the most pathetic cat to ever exist.
Because she was right. He was scared of her. He grew paranoid of the idea of her being some sort of link with the Iris, due to her trances. StarClan never had an answer for him - until last moon, when they finally managed to confirm for certain that no, he had not doomed cat-kind by bringing her to StarClan, and no, he had not failed. But what good did that do now? Shiverpaw hated him and wouldn't ever forgive him for his actions. And why should she? He was a fraud of a medicine cat, failed Chicoryglint's expectations, failed to prevent Cloudthunder's two kits from being taken -
"Windfur." The tom felt Olive's tail rest on his shoulder gently. Her sage eyes were calm, filled with empathy. "...I see it in your eyes. You have a lot of thoughts in your mind, all of them dooming. I'm familiar with it too."
Windfur froze. He dug through his memories and remembered Olive spiralling and assuming catastrophe at every turn. He remembered that she refused to name Branchpaw and Perchpaw for almost three moons. "...It's not the same. You had Queen's Grief. You had a reason," he argued.
"An explanation is not an excuse. You already know that well." Olive let her statement settle on him before removing her tail and wrapping it around her paws. "...So. What now?"
Windfur sighed deeply. "I don't know. I guess I will give Shiverpaw her name next half-moon and let her be rid of me," he said glumly.
"Is that what she wants?"
Windfur scowled, his tail thrashing. "I don't know, alright? I just know that I've ignored her, hurt her, and an apology isn't enough. There's nothing I can do to fix that."
"Who taught you that you couldn't fix your mistakes?"
Windfur finally tore his eyes off the floor to glare at Olive. In a moment of vulnerability, his memories dug themselves out of their graves. He remembered being asked by Chicoryglint to watch very, very closely at what she did and to engrain it into his memory as though his life depended on it. He did so as she gave him melodies to memorize the procedure. He remembered the guilt he felt when he failed to retrieve cobwebs correctly. She was staring with wide-eyed terror and started counting the remaining bandages they owned. He remembered the small lives stolen by the Living Tendril. He couldn't bring himself to maintain it as he found a layer of sorrow in Olive's eyes.
"...I won't speak of others' grievances. But, I was reminded a few days ago how I didn't name my children for a few moons. I pretended they didn't need them. I knew it was wrong. But I was hurt and afraid. And I am telling you this," Olive emphasizes as she saw Windfur open his mouth to interrupt. "Because an apology won't fix it alone. Changed behavior, on the other hand, will. You said Shiverpaw was hurt that you ignored her. Did she tell you outright that she didn't want you to change?"
There was a tense silence as Windfur's dark blue eyes wavered. His jaw was clenched. Eventually, he shook his head.
"Then…what do you want to do?"
"...I want to apologize…and…I don't know. I guess…not…avoid her?"
"What are some things you can do to be present with her?"
"...More patrols together?"
"That's a good idea."
Windfur waited for Olive to continue, and felt tense when she just let that statement hang. "Do...you have any other ideas?"
Olive licked her paw and groomed her ear. "I'm not sure what Shiverpaw would like. You could ask her yourself what you could do together."
Windfur shuffled. "But...what if she doesn't want to?"
"She agreed to a mediation in the first place, no? Deep down, then, she likely also wishes for solutions."
Windfur kept staring at the floor pensively. After some time, Olive's tail twitched.
"Windfur. Can I offer you some advice, as a friend?"
Windfur suddenly looked surprised - as though the notion that Olive was his friend didn't even occur to him. "Uh...yeah, sure."
"I come from a place of kindness when I say this," she started carefully. "Perhaps you'll consider me a...what do you Clan cats say? A mousebrain? For saying so. But...you are the adult here. You may not feel like it, but Shiverpaw has known you her entire life as the fully-grown, adult medicine cat who gave her checkups, and then mentored her. The fact that you didn't feel like an adult when you took her on as an apprentice, does not mean that you weren't perceived as one by other cats."
Windfur's pelt bristled, but he said nothing as Olive continued.
"I will not ask how you ended up with the sole burden of caring for an entire group of cats. That's a conversation for another day, if you wish," Olive said with a flick of her tail. "But Shiverpaw speaks from the heart of a child who never received an apology. Give her that, and recognize that time, and changed behavior will repair your relationship."
Windfur paused, and forced his fur to fall flat. Eventually, he meowed, "...I understand. Thank you."
Olive shrugged. "I'm happy to be of service."
Finally, Windfur got to his feet, dismissed Olive with a nod, and walked away. In that time, Windfur allowed negative feelings and self-loathing to slowly leave his paws and into the wet grass beneath his feet. He allowed Olive's words to sink into his system. For a brief moment, he remembered when he went to Chicoryglint's so-called grave last leaf-fall. He remembered how he begged her for answers, guidance, anything. The silence that followed. The realization that he was never going to get an apology from her.
Windfur closed his eyes, and sighed.
...He was never going to be able to reconcile that his beloved mentor had hurt others deeply. And even if he knew the truth, he couldn't separate the kind mentor from the cowardly and selfish molly. That was his friend. His teacher. The melodies she taught him were ingrained in his bones. They would turn to vile ash in his mouth. He just couldn't embrace that truth. Not yet.
But at least today, he could give Shiverpaw what he knew Chicoryglint would never give him.
---
The next day, Windfur offers a genuine apology, acknowledging how his distance hurt Shiverpaw and promising changed behavior. While Shiverpaw says that it will take time to forgive him, she appreciates his apology and is wiling to put in effort to have a more cordial relationship.
(Shiverpaw, medicine cat apprentice, female, 12 moons. Loving.)
(Windfur, medicine cat, female, 26 moons. Lonesome.)
Riversnow has a long conversation with Olive, and finds that they have a lot in common - outsiders with former apprehension to the Clan, pregnant at inopportune times. Riversnow seeks advice and comfort from her.
Windfur approaches Redstar and tries to tell her about Bracken. Redstar promises to tell patrols to keep an eye out, and to try to invite her into the Clan again, if possible.
At the next half-moon, Talontooth visits Shiverpaw. She breaks down and apologizes, to which Talontooth responds with teasing and reassurance. He says that he's okay...well, as okay as he can be. But he gets to see how vast the territory actually is from StarClan, and it's beautiful. He sheepishly asks if she could tell Morningspot that he's okay. Shiverpaw agrees. It's the least she can do.
To everyone's shock, Talontooth goes missing. They call out to him in the early morning - but he's gone. Iciclepool is particularly upset about this, having mentored the warrior. She thought that after years of seeing this process, she would get used to it. She doesn't. She barely avoids prolonged grief with the help of Hopechase.
Iciclepool thought she was free from this. When Lakestar was gone, she thought for once, just once, perhaps things would be okay. Deep in her heart, she knew that wasn't true. She knew the law of the woods. She knew that she would have to see adult cats die again.
When Talontooth wasn't found in camp the night Windfur and Shiverpaw returned from the Half-Moon Dome, when the sun rose in the morning and he hadn't returned, the Clan had to accept that he was gone.
She thought that after years of seeing that process, she would be used to it. She wasn't.
She taught Talontooth everything she knew to stay alive. She thought that she had done everything to make sure that he would live a long life. Grow strong, mentor another cat, perhaps have a family of his own, if he was inclined to it.
Why? Why him? Out of all the cats -
Iciclepool could barely say anything at his funeral rites. The only thing she could say was a pitiful apology. She felt everyone's eyes on her pelt and it hurt.
She buried herself in her nest, begging for roots to rise from the earth and swallow her too. Iciclepool denied his death. Raged against StarClan and the woods. Considered if maybe he had simply run away to the Twoleg cabins. Wallowed in despair. Repeat.
She could barely feel the gentle paw pressed against her back.
"...Icicle?"
Hopechase's gentle voice felt like daggers on her soul.
"...Hey." A dark pelt padded in front of her field of vision. Iciclepool continued to stare into space, even as Hopechase's blue eyes filled her vision. The dark molly said nothing as she simply stared into Iciclepool's eyes.
"...I'm sorry, Icicle. I know he meant a lot to you."
The white deputy felt the knife twist. She closed her eyes as she felt the bile rise in her throat. She said nothing.
Hopechase wordlessly rested her chin on Iciclepool's head, then began grooming her.
"Hope, please."
"Please what?"
"Please leave me alone."
"I will. But you haven't groomed yourself in two days. When you feel the strength to stand again, being mat-free will help."
"I don't…" Iciclepool started her retort, then trailed off defeatedly. There was no point. Arguing with Hopechase was an exercise in futility. She didn't argue back. She only listened, and did what she believed to be right. So, Iciclepool let her. She closed her eyes and allowed her to groom her and remove any compacting hair.
For a moment, she thought of one of the last times she spent with Cliffstep. She grieved. She wailed as all of her kits were gone, again. The woods, Lakestar - took everything from her. She couldn't hear herself over the voice of her own cries. And there lay Cliffstep next to her. Grooming her. Removing her mats. His work was gentle, but his muscles were tense the entire time, his face chiseled with burning intensity. He barely spoke for the next week. His ice blue eyes were soft around his loved ones. They sharpened with the ferocity of a lynx the very moment Lakestar or Chicoryglint crossed his path - cold and haunting.
He loved his family, so much. He loved her. He would've loved Talontooth. He would've -
Iciclepool's face curled into a snarl as she buried her face into Hopechase and wept.
She doesn't know how much time had passed until she found her emotions spiralling back down, going numb. The warm newleaf sun had started melting the snow. The sound of water dripping off the branches and the den walls outside played a soft melody.
"Iciclepool." Hopechase's voice was filled with love. "I'm going to help set patrols for you. Alright?"
Iciclepool just nodded. Hopechase blinked slowly, a passing thought crossing her gaze. Her tail tapped the floor pensively. Finally, it seemed like she made a choice, and her eyes softened.
"I love you, Iciclepool."
The white molly froze for a moment. She opened her eyes again, her copper gaze layered with an unknown feeling. Hopechase continued with the wisdom of many lives.
"I know that you know. My feelings aren't hidden. I know that right now, and maybe for a little while, the world will feel cruel, and empty. And that's alright. But I need you to know that you are loved." Hopechase pressed her nose against Iciclepool's forehead. "You still have family. You still have friends. And while today may be one of the worst days you will ever have, I am here to give you a groom, and take your tasks, and remind you that today, your world has not ended."
Iciclepool's voice was stuck in her throat as her eyes widened. She felt her pelt turn hot in shame and unbridled emotion, unable to mantle any thoughts to her mind.
Hopechase pulled back, and gave her a look that she had only seen from one other cat before in her life. "Please, grieve and pray to Cliffstep and Talontooth. Their eyes are watching you from StarClan. They love you, so much."
Iciclepool bit back a cry.
"And when you feel like you can laugh again," Hopechase continued. "Then you can tell me how you feel. Whichever way you do, I will still be your friend. And you will still be a lovely deputy," Hopechase let out a final purr of comfort before steadily padding outside the den.
Iciclepool, for the first time since she sat in her den, turned to watch Hopechase leave, and looked outside the warrior's den. For a moment, her mind was a storm of emotion.
Hopechase…really felt that way? And she would wait? Even seeing her as a useless heap of a deputy, weeping again at another lost child - is this really what she wanted?
And…did Iciclepool want her? Is that something her grief would even permit her to think about?
Talontooth wanted life as well. But you are here. And he is not.
Her guilt ravished whatever brief embers of contentment lit in her heart. She felt numb again.
And yet, she couldn't bring herself to turn back to face the wall again. Her eyes were frozen on the movement of the outside world - the one Hopechase wandered freely within.
For a moment, she watched. Her clanmates were still reeling from the hurt. Riversnow sat in the sun, her eyes following Cloudthunder's kits gently. Windfur approached her glumly, and said something to her. After a few moments of no movement, Riversnow nodded without looking up at him. Windfur seemed surprised, but grateful as he gave her an herb Iciclepool knew well - borage.
Morningspot stared at the cooking fire. Her eyes were void of meaning, as though her spirit was gone and her body was piloted by something else. Olive's yellowcough was recovering steadily - almost completely gone. The older molly wordlessly sat next to the younger, staring at the fire with her. It conveyed support that didn't need words.
And…under the shadow of the apprentice den was Shiverpaw. Her kit. Her eyes were empty. Windfur said that after their visit to the Dome, she was frantic. Dreading. She said something horrible was going to happen, and she didn't know what. Just that she was so, so afraid.
Iciclepool felt a rock in her belly. Her grief drowned under the waves of protectiveness and fear.
You still have family. You still have friends.
Hopechase's words echoed in her thoughts. She weakly pushed herself to her feet, and hissed as she stumbled. Her muscles wobbled in complaint.
How long…how long had she ignored Shiverpaw in her grief?
Her kit. Oh, her poor kit.
Iciclepool felt like the sun beaming at her pelt threatened to expose her suffering to the world. That…that didn't matter right now. She slowly padded towards her daughter. Her mind could only ever picture her as the poor kitten she found, shivering in a bush on a cool newleaf day. But her child was almost all grown up. A year old. Her child was here.
Shiverpaw heard Iciclepool's pawsteps, and her body tensed and straightened. Her cobalt blue eyes were wide, as though spooked by her mother's sudden appearance.
"O-Oh. Mom. I'm sorry, I…I was going to check on you," Shiverpaw stammered, her voice dry. "Did, um…I…I could give you a poppy seed, if that'll help with…"
Iciclepool said nothing. She wordlessly sat next to her child, her pelt brushing against hers. Shiverpaw looked at her with wide, sleep-deprived eyes.
The deputy gently brushed her tail against her daughter's back.
"...Speak to me, Shiver."
Shiverpaw slowly shook her head, until her expression broke and she buried her head into her mother's shoulder. She mewled pathetically.
"It's my fault. It's all my fault. All of it. All of it, all of it," she said between sobs.
"No, honey. No," Iciclepool said with a comforting purr rising in her throat. "Whatever StarClan said, a warning can come too late. You are not responsible for this."
"But I am. And it is. I should've never - I shouldn't have - " Shiverpaw continued to stumble before being reduced to a grief-stricken mess. Whatever words her daughter wanted to say, they couldn't find their perch.
So, she didn't push her. She decided to just be there for her daughter. She, too, had lost a friend.
---
Redstar and Hopechase cooperate to reinstate a past ForestClan festival - The First Bloom, which would occur in the next moon. Despite Redstar's grief, she tells herself that this will be good for the Clan. First Bloom focused on games, decorating the camp with local early-weeds and quick-growing plants, and paying respects to the prey they hunt.
Windfur stumbles into a loner healer, named Bracken. She's only 9 moons old, and asks if he's seen a black tom - her littermate. Out of concern, he offers her advice on some of the local herbs, and offers her a place in the Clan. But Bracken refused, having heard rumors about Clan life and VERY adamant against it. Windfur burns with resentment over Lakestar's bloody legacy.
Deerkit and Cottonkit REALLY want to explore outside of camp, interested in the songs of birds they've never seen. Cottonkit comes up with a plan to sneak out with Deerkit, but Barleywave puts a stop to it. Barleywave thinks the kits aren't taking their safety seriously.
Cloudthunder cooks Tree something soothing for their stomach. Tree thanks her profusely and offers a flirty compliment, which Cloudthunder seems receptive to.
Barleywave tried to talk to Riversnow like Hopechase asked of him, really, he tried. But it was rather difficult to do when she kept not-so-subtly finding an excuse to leave whenever he approached her. Dejected, he gives up. She had no obligation to talk to him, right? He wasn't her mate. That was normal. Yep. He wasn't - nope. He wasn't sad at all. Sadness is for losers. He was TOTALLY FINE - [He was, in fact, not fine.]
as Twilightpuddle rushed off to gather the other cats around camp, yowling warnings of an intruder nearby, Privetstar stayed at the mouth of the leaders den staring down at his son.
"so you and Sheepkit saw this intruder?" he began, tone low and a little menacing, "the intruder was near enough to the nursery to see?"
Iciclekit shuffled his paws in the dirt, picking at the hay between the blades of grass, "well, i saw them by the fence when i was in the nursery and um i didn't want them sneaking in so-"
"so you snuck out of camp to confront this so called intruder?" Privetstar interrupted, an expression of annoyance painting his features, "and you brought Sheepkit near the river as well?"
"he followed by himself!" Icicle protested
"he's two moons old, icicle! you're nearly apprentice age, you should know better." he turned away, shaking his head, "go gaurd the nursery, no distractions."
"yes, sir" he tried to keep his voice steady, masking the hurt he felt.
He was gonna be an apprentice soon, which is exactly why he'd gone to investigate! didn't Privetstar realize that?
he sat gaurd at the head of the nursery den, surveying the area to make sure all the kits were accounted for.
as he tried to focus on his task, his mind prickled with images of the intruder. the strange vined cat that took Havenpelt.
he shuddered, claws raking the dirt beneath him as he tried to push the thought away.
whatever it was, he vowed to never let it harm his siblings, he would become stronger and he would kill it before it touched a single tuft of fur on them.
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orsber lbh gurer jnf pynl naq oybbq
abj gur ebbgf gnxr ubyq naq oryyf evcra gb oybffbz
A sharp pain was all she felt before everything began to fade, her senses draining like the blood from her lifeless body.
she tried to opon her eyes, but found nothing but darkness to greet her.
the muffled sound of paws scraping against wood, a dull writhing under her skin, the taste of metal pooling from her throat.
"am I dead?" she wheezed in a strangled breath, surprised to find her voice at all.
"shhhh," a low purr hushed her, "almost done now, just a little bit longer and you'll be perfect."
she could almost feel the sensations try to return to her, thorns pricking her body on every side, stinging her mind and making her shake from the terror, "why-" she gasped, choking on the blood coating her tongue.
a paw fussed with her fur gently, briefly reminding her of her kithood.
her parents had left her with the clan at a young age, and she had been treated as one of their own since.
the memories of being in the nursery played across her mind like a cloud meandering along the skyline
her days spent playing mossball and taking turns pretending to fight off rogues and stumblers with Figspeckle.
she tried to remember her face
the last time she saw her
the way she sounded
but...
the memories were taken almost as soon as they began to play, leaving a hollow cavity where they once were.
the wind picked up a little, bringing with it the smell of blood, and very so lightly the scent of flowers.
[Midnightwish gained: Figspeckle, Havenpelt]
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