The Dogs Bark and The Caravan Rolls On

My impending death from Chronic Heart Failure. Acceptance is not an Option.

[tastemyagingmind]

Believe in miracles

I believe in miracles.

But not too long ago, I had lost all hope and faith in my reality and in God. I felt lost and alone, struggling to find meaning in a world that seemed so chaotic and unpredictable.

It was a dark time, but something inside of me refused to give up. I began to search for answers, questioning everything I had ever believed in, including my belief in God.

It was a difficult journey, but I eventually resolved my God issue just a few months ago. I came to the realization that my faith was not in a deity, but in the power of the human spirit to endure and overcome.

As I explored this new perspective, I also came to a more realistic idea about death. Rather than fearing it, I came to be okay with it, accepting it as a natural part of life.

Through this process, I learned that miracles are not just about divine intervention, but about the power of the human mind and spirit to overcome even the darkest of times.

If you're struggling to find hope and meaning in your life, know that there is always a way forward. It may not be easy, but with faith in yourself and the power of the human spirit, anything is possible.  Don't get me wrong I've been on a lot of pain and since my heart has gotten better my polyneuropathy in my hands and feet my peripheral artery disease are kicking my ***

[sourdoughandpain]

well. the 2nd ANA is back. and the results are better. so i dont know whats going on.

after pushing myself so hard i was in absolute misery yesterday. i genuinely almost collapsed at one point, and basically fell onto my other leg because one was hurting so bad.

im livid.

i am in pain and theres no reason behind it more than “hehe your body is weird”. im still not in physical therapy bc no one has bothered to call anywhere and if i try doing it my parents will freak out and get offended bc “if they hear youre the child then they’ll think that we’re a bad parent”.

im in pain. a LOT of pain, actually.

i just want answers. im getting physically worse. my doctor said my skin was stretchier than it should be, and ive never had that problem before. whenever someone touches my shoulders i wince. i cant walk normally anymore. im stuck between the line of hoping it gets better and knowing it might never get better and hoping that it just kills me before it gets too much worse.

[sourdoughandpain]

but then again im too angry to let this happen.

im too stubborn.

so you know what? down with it, down with it all.

there are too many people who i hate, too many people that hate me, too many people that are all too happy to see me in pain. 

i am going to attempt to thrive out of spite. i am going to be a dandelion, no matter if they like it or not. get ready losers. im coming.

[tastemyagingmind]

Well the defibrillators settle down pretty well I'm enjoying the spring particularly the irises of just started to bloom. My wife and I still live in different parts of the house and our lives are in different parts of space sometimes in our space is mixed the energy is tense. I think I'm going to get teeth. I went and had all my cavities filled and was told I needed to pull some teeth. I guess the dialysis transplant and the consequences of the calcium buildup along with medications really made my teeth go bad fast. So I walk upstairs as much as I can it hurts. But I still go forward I want to have to I stop and I cry out ow ow ow ow

[tastemyagingmind]

Okay well I got good news that they're going to give me a defibrillator which means I could probably live 2 years. And that got me all excited and I went out and looked at this car and it's a great bargain and I was so excited I had a bit of a future so I went out to look at this used car and when I got home text my friend and we started talking about the weekend told him not to worry because I've got my rollator I can get around then it hit me I can't have a car like this no place to put my rollator plus no place to put the scooter wheelchair but just for a little while I had forgotten and just the hope that I've got longer than initially thought is a good thing

[tastemyagingmind]

I am so sad

[theserpenscauda-deactivated2023]

Aaannnd both of my legs are swollen because I've been standing/sitting all day. Thank the gods its not blood clots

[tastemyagingmind]

Okay this is another small attempt to do with my recent awareness my end of life. I wish I had something profound to say but seeing your death approach sucks it sucks so bad. I hope to be able to at least die and not make anyone more miserable than I have in my life. A terrible person I wasn't a bad person but I have done many many bad things but I've done a lot of good things I'm hoping more good things and bad things The point is no one will miss me . the point is possibly my children migh. the point is I'm not sure mine will. I didn't miss my parents I did think about some things they said or did. I did miss my grandmother.still do. I sucked at being a grandparent. I never got oo close to many people.r I did but long term no. I was close on but they have died. I am now experiencing a bit of the fucking .cut my hair, trimmed my moustache,took a shower

[miseducatedmelanicmuse]

Oh yeah this the ONE!!

[tastemyagingmind]

So now I just cry when I cry about a feeling but I don't know what the feeling is so I cry about the feeling.

[tastemyagingmind]

Nobody gives a shit when you die

[theterminallyill-blog]

Day one

Just trying to create a blog that I can feel comfortable with.  Working on finding a spot to share struggles and laughter over the insanity of brain cancer.

[tastemyagingmind]

I'm Afraid when I die I won't be loved enough

I started crying again and I don't know why I know I'm crying because I have this feeling and I'm unable to name the feeling

[terracemuse]

[soberscientistlife]

How To: Let Go

[tastemyagingmind]

Today was better I could breathe my wife spent time be well to get out of bed I slept on the couch sideways no television on a music on today just sitting napping sleeping resting trying not to wake up trying not to become conscious enough to know that I am chronically ill and will die shortly

[tastemyagingmind]

[tastemyagingmind]

She can't help it we spent some time this morning and I asked her to talk a little more. She initially wasn't into making small talk apps she said well I got to go I got a life of my own. I don't understood her that she had things that she had to get done during the day but the phrase I have a life of my own made me feel