I remember. I remember when my main focus in life was sex. All I could think about was getting my next dose, reaching my next orgasm. My mind couldn't even comprehend who I'm with, as long as they give me the pleasure. I felt no attraction, no love, no intimacy. Just bodies on top or underneath me, ever changing. Only one person could get under my skin. Only Harry. We were never exclusive, but we always kept coming to each other, obviously lying to ourselves about our feelings. And who knows what could've been. If only Briana hadn't gotten pregnant, if only I hadn't hurt him. He left, and it shook my world. I sought help, and went through a rehab program that fucked my brain up even more, leaving me disgusted by sex and terrified of orgasms. I hadn't had any kind of sexual contact ever since he left. And today, we had sex. Ridiculous how something that's such a regular thing for most people was such a big deal for me. But I trust him, always have, and I wanted him to have this part of me as well. Was I terrified? Yeah, of course I was. Not only could it possibly damage my confidence and self image, but the cravings could return. He was so understanding and perfect, though. Held me through it. Told me nice things to make me feel better about myself. And. And I'm still too scared to let it become a regular occurency again. But maybe it's a small step in the right direction.
So, there's this boy. A rather special boy, I'd like to say. I've known him for several years now. He knows me too, he's seen every part of me, even the ones I'm scared about and the ones that gross me out. He's kissed every inch of my skin, seen me like no one ever has. And I trust him with everything that I have, because my life has been brighter for as long as he's been in it, and more bleak whenever he's gone. However....the thing is....I don't know him at all. I know his name is Harry Edward Styles, he was born in Holmes Chapel , Cheshire on February 1 1994. He has a mum named Anne, a sister named Gemma, a dad named Des and a stepfather, Robin. He likes to rage over American football and listens to music that's too emo, wears happy clothes even though he looks at me sad, and sings like an angel that's descended from the heavens above. I know all of that and so much more, we've spent countless hours talking about our dreams and hopes and fears, and yet, I don't know him at all. Today, he told me he does coke, and apparently that's not all. He doesn't want me to force help onto him, and he doesn't want us to fight. But god, I really wish he would. I could never forgive myself if something bad ever happened to him. He's so important to me, and I'll protect him with all that I have, and yet, he doesn't want help. I know you can't fix others if they don't want to be fixed, that's not how life works. But you can't help but worry when it's someone you've always loved so dearly. An angel like him doesn't deseeve to hurt so much.
We're not, no we're not friends, nor have we ever been.
We just try to keep those secrets in a lie,
And if they find out, will it all go wrong?
And Heaven knows, no one wants it to.
( Describes Harry and Louis’ previous relationship - they’ve always been in the grey area between “friends” and “something more” , but refusing to admit that to each other. )
2. SHAMELESS - THE WEEKND
oh, come over
Ooh, saying who's gonna fuck you like me? Yeah
I don't wanna hurt you but you live for the pain
I'm not tryna say it but it's what you became
You want me to fix you but it's never enough
That's why you always call me cause you're scared to be loved
But I’ll always be there for you
( With each other, they were never exclusive, and still kept seeing other people, but there was always unspoken jealousy, and they always kept coming back to each other )
3. DRUNK - ED SHEERAN
But our house gets cold when you cut the heating
Without you to hold I'll be freezing
Can't rely on my heart to beat it
'Cause you take part of it every evening
Take words out of my mouth just from breathing
Replace with phrases like when you're leaving me
(Describes Louis’ emotions after he found out that Briana was pregnant with his son, and Harry decided to leave him for good.)
4. DESIRE - YEARS & YEARS
Where are you taking me?
I can't be blamed
I want you to want me again
Is it desire
Or is it love that I'm feeling for you?
(Can be related to their confusing arrangement of “we’re not really exclusive and you can fuck whoever you want but if you i’m totally not gonna be happy and oh wait are those feelings i have for you”)
5. TAKE CARE - DRAKE FT. RIHANNA
When you're ready, just say you're ready
When all the baggage just ain't as heavy
And the parties over, just don't forget me
We'll change the pace and we'll just go slow
You won't ever have to worry,
You won't ever have to hide
And you seen all my mistakes
So look me in my eyes
( A good description of Louis’ emotions, him saying that he’s not mad, and that if only harry would let him, he’d gladly take care of him. )
6. FOOLS - TROYE SIVAN
Oh, our lives don't collide, I'm aware of this
The differences and impulses and your obsession with
The little things you like stick, and I like aerosol
Don't give a fuck, not giving up, I still want it all
Only fools fall for you, only fools
( How Louis felt after he realized that what he felt for Harry isn’t solely sexual anymore, it’s him thinking that having feelings for him could lead to nothing good. )
7. SOMEBODY ELSE - THE 1975
So I heard you found somebody else
And at first I thought it was a lie
I took all my things that make sounds
The rest I can do without, I don't want your body
But I hate to think about you with somebody else
( This song could describe the arrangement that they had, pretending that they were okay with seeing other people, while they really couldn’t stand the thought of seeing each other with someone else. Applies to the period in Louis’ life after their fallout as he learned Harry was seeing other people while he wasn’t. )
8. SOAP - MELANIE MARTINEZ
I'm tired of being careful, tiptoe, trying to keep the water warm
Let me under your skin
Uh-oh, there it goes, I said too much, it overflowed
Why do I always spill?I feel it coming out my throat
Guess I better wash my mouth out with soap
God, I wish I never spoke
Now I gotta wash my mouth out with soap
( It refers to Louis blaming himself for how the thing between them ended, he blames himself for fucking up by sleeping with Briana and hurting Harry’s feelings. )
points earned——— +4 (established friend connections - andy & caity) ; +10 (past intimate(romantic?) connection - harry styles) ; +10 (past intimate connection - michael clifford), +10 (reblogged selfies - harry, zayn) ; +10 (made a playlist) + 16 (explanation for each song)
points lost——— -16 (i realized i ignored 2 people liking my plot post bc apparently they liked it at the time when everything was hectic and i had to ask for a hiatus)
other muses involved——— see above.
other details——— not much to update because i have been on a hiatus since last week; to expand a bit on the intimate connections - used to hook up with michael a few years ago, used to regularly hook up with harry with a bunch of feelings mixed in who broke things off when louis knocked up briana.
points earned——— +20 (new muse - markiplier), +20 (created a stats page), +50 (reblogged selfies of liam, dan, perrie, vic, alexa, kendall, charlotte, jasmine, mgk, jack) +40 (asks sent during the title game! know i sent some to zayn, vic, charlotte, dan and others, but i don’t remember who so i’m not gonna give myself points for that)
points lost——— n/a ????
other muses involved——— n/a
other details——— Louis really didn’t have a good time on the resort - most of it was spent stressing over not being able to be with his son and siblings.
points earned——— +20 (initiated conversations with brynn, jasmine, ryan, elliot, derek, vic, camila, lottie, tal +25 (reblogged selfies of charlotte, shawn, cindy, diane, lottie, tal), +60 (for messages sent during various ask games, it could be more but honestly i’ve lost track and it’s no less than 6 messages total); +20 (new familial connection with lottie), +10 (created an aesthetic), +10 (created a moodboard).
points lost——— -120 (landing on activity warnings?)
other muses involved———if you earned points by plotting, writing, etc with another muse, who were they?
other details———what character developments or in character drama has been going on surrounding your muse?
y’all i would love to post more updates here but honestly it’s hard to care about superficial relationship and friend and whatnot drama when the only thing on my mind is the fact that i’ve just lost my mother and my best friend. i literally don’t care about anything else right now. leave me alone.
Okay and now you’re offended because you think I was rude to you when in fact I’m just not comfortable with someone else making decisions for me? I know you think it’s best for Freddie, but primarily what I do or don’t do for Christmas is my decision. I’ve told you multiple times I’m not comfortable with it. So why couldn’t you just listen? But, of course, I’m the bad guy. When are my feelings and emotions ever gonna be valid,.
annaxmalina
