Becoming Ms. Willard

in which Emma begins her teaching career and is really nervous about it.

[teacheremma]

I just need to have a little vent session. 

I am about 6 weeks away from completing my first full year of teaching (technically it’s been a year and a half.) I am also about two weeks into the reality that I am the senior teacher for the 7th grade (55 students) at my school; my former teammate, a 17 year teacher, decided to leave the profession. My interim teammate just graduated this past December, leaving me to make all the decisions, handle all the discipline, go to all the meetings, make sure we are covering all the interventions, ensure all the accommodations, make parent contacts, and continue documenting a series of year-long issues we’ve been having with some students.

This is something anyone outside of the profession does not understand. From the second students enter my classroom at 7:40 to when they leave my room at 12:45, I am ON. I am answering questions, listening to students tell me stories about what happened over the weekend or the previous day, teaching, observing, modeling, scaffolding, encouraging; when I am not actively teaching or monitoring students, I am using every spare moment to grade papers, follow up on discipline issues, fill out progress monitoring charts, answer emails, making last-minute copies, preparing for upcoming classes. The first opportunity I have to use the bathroom most days is 1:00. I have been sitting in my car at 5:00 and realized that I didn’t use the restroom since I woke up that morning. There was not a single day last week that I did not have a meeting (or 2) after school. I get to school at 7:00 and leave between 5:30-6:00.

So when I don’t get the chance to call your office during your limited daily hours or stop by before 4:00 because I have constant meetings after school, you need to show a little more grace for my schedule. My workload is overwhelming. My stress is off the charts most days. My brain is constantly barraged with a to-do list that only grows. I pour everything I have into these 55 teenagers every day and work my ass off to keep up with paperwork while creating relevant, integrated lessons. I don’t need your sass when I miss a 12:00 p.m. phonecall. 

I suppose the ultimate message is this: give teachers grace. They are buried under a mountain of expectations and work. Be patient with us. Be understanding of the stress we encounter every day. And bear with us, because some of us are holding on for dear life in a system that only makes our job more difficult.

[teacheremma]

Well, I’ve finally figured out what they did in social studies for the fall. And it turns out it’s a whole bunch of nothing. The retiring teacher apparently abhorred teaching social studies and even though she mentioned using a pacing guide she apparently only made it through 2 units of it. So I get to start this new semester three months behind. Awesome! It is a relief to finally know where I need to start with the kids. I’m chock full of ideas of what to do, but it really is daunting. I just hope that I can have to discipline to make it easier instead of harder on myself. 

[teacheremma]

Boy, it’s been a while since I’ve been on my blog sites. But I think it’ll do me some good to put my experience somewhere. 

So I guess I’ll start at the beginning. I’ve wanted to be a teacher as long as I can remember. To be fair, I also wanted to be a vet, gymnast, and movie star but Teacher Emma just seemed to stick. It was one of those things I never questioned. Everyone knew that I was going to be a teacher and I always enjoyed working with kids. My first job was as a camp counselor (in training) when I was thirteen and I have spent every summer working at a camp since. I was fairly successful in school. I made decent grades without having to try very hard. And at the risk of sounding conceited, I would say that I’ve always been able to charm people.

When I was in high school, I got the North Carolina Teaching Fellows scholarship and stayed in my hometown to attend Appalachian State University. This meant that I took extra seminars, went on trips, and lived within a community of other future teachers. And in exchange, I would work for 4 years in the state of North Carolina. When I first started, I thought I wanted to be a theater teacher. But after a few classes and a show in the theater department, I quickly changed my mind. Thus, I became a middle grades major. Crazy, I know. But there are some people out there who love that age. I like the way I can have conversations with them, I can be present as they develop a sense of self, and I can help them during one of the most trying times of a teens life.

I struggled in school for the first time in my life spring semester of my freshman year. The weather was atrocious and I just could not get my ass to my classes. I failed one class and it was because I went over the absence limit. It was the first time I’d ever really failed at anything. And it is the only time I have ever been unsure of my ability to, as millennials say, life very well. My confidence had been shaken and as a result, I would have to go to school for an extra semester. 

So while the rest of my middle grades cohort was student teaching, I was taking Biology 1101 and 1102 with a bunch of freshman. Needless to say, I didn’t feel very motivated. I was remissed of viable peers at school. All my friends were moving on and I was still in the same place. On top of that, I was living at home with my parents. Now, my parents are amazing, wonderful people who are very easy to live with but I had spent my entire life being fiercely independent. Too much so, to the point that even when I truly need help, I can’t seem to ask for it. So even though many of my friends and acquaintances also spent time living with their parents, I hated the fact that I needed to. 

The best decision that I ever made was to put off the big girl job after college so that I could travel. I took several trips across the United States and Costa Rica. I can safely say that life on the road, exploring new places is the happiest I have ever been. 

And now, two years after graduating with my degree, I have finally committed to a teaching job. I’m going to be teaching seventh grade in the same school that my grandmother taught for 20 years. I never got to meet her, this amazing woman that I was named after, but have spent my entire life listening to stories about how wonderful she was. There are fellow teachers at the school who were actually in her class and have nothing but good things to say about her. The term “big shoes to fill” never seemed more true. So the task is daunting. I’m coming in halfway through the year to the first classroom I’ve been able to call my own. I’m overwhelmed by the kindness of my coworkers. I’m excited to truly meet my students. I’m incredibly nervous about the prospect of failure. My emotions are twisted. I never intended to stay in my home town long term, but what if I love teaching here? What if I never want to leave? Would I be letting myself down if I stayed here for my entire life? How do I prepare to start teaching when I’m not sure what they’ve already covered in the fall? What if what if what if? 

I’m going to have a lot to think about this year. I’m going to have to make myself take the time to process the ever churning thoughts in my mind. This is where I’m going to do it. This is where I’m going to hold myself accountable, give myself pep talks, bitch about any and all issues, console myself when I’m down. This will be my sounding board. Welcome to the journey.