bitch no

no

[unsettlingstories]

Family Tree

I was five the first time Grandpa invited me into the basement to see his safe. It was massive. Apparently, the original owners told him the house had to be built around it; there was no way it could’ve been brought in afterward. When I asked him what was inside, he just smiled and said, “maybe I’ll tell you when you’re older.” I remember being frightened by that smile. Everything about my grandfather frightened me, to be honest. I was never able to put a finger on why, but the feeling was real. I dreaded whenever Mom said we were going to visit.

Every time Mom and I were there, his housekeepers would wait on us hand and foot. Even at an early age, I noticed how they seemed intimidated by my grandfather and were quiet, timid, and unwilling to speak unless they were spoken to. It was almost like they’d been traumatized.

When I was 13, I learned an unsettling fact about the housekeepers: they were, in fact, his wives. The grandmother I’d known, who died when I was very young, was merely one of nine. Mom didn’t want to explain the whole thing to me. I could tell she was afraid of him, too. When I asked why she’d chosen to keep in touch with him after Dad died, she told me I needed a male figure in my life. It sounded strange to me, but I never pressed the issue.

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[unsettlingstories]

They told me when I was pretty young that I’d never be able to have a baby. And that was that.

No therapy, no consolation, no nothing. I was given the knowledge and left to my own devices to deal with it. They wouldn’t have to see me crying at night. Every night. For years and years. I kept it all under wraps, despite hating myself inside. Hating my failure. Hating my parts that didn’t work. Hating the jealousy I felt for the women who had that gift and squandered it. I needed to try something. Anything.

It didn’t take long before I was ordering fertility drugs online. Clomiphene. Diethylstilbestrol. GnRH. I took them all. Then I had to get sperm. A few quick ads on Craigslist, a couple pictures sent back and forth, and a meet up. An hour later, I’d have a condom full of what I needed.

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[cosmy]

[notcayleb]

[observando]

[coo-chan-deactivated20160625]

[bang]

dumbass bird

[punkfobs-deactivated20170814]

It is not dumb it is making beautiful music

[artistzico]

my sister is going to a party later and shes bringing 3 bottles of vodka but i poured out the vodka and replaced it with water

[aspiringtrapqueen]

That’s the biggest waist I have ever heard of

[artistzico]

r u calling me fat

[kevinkinky]

[tastefullyoffensive]

Prey spotted.

[lemonsharks]

MURDER PANCAKE

[kaisketch]

I’ve been having bad days and drawing this helped me remember things.

I hope it helps you, too.

[unsettlingstories]

My Sweet Boy

October 24 2014

My baby boy Matty is growing up! I went to kiss his little pink cheeks today and they seemed less chubby. His adorable dimples don’t go as deep as they used to.

October 26 2014

I cried all day today. Matty refused to take my milk for the first time. I feel like he’s already growing apart from me.

October 31 2014

Happy Halloween! Matty started eating a little grownup food the other day and he loved it! I’m still a little sad our Mommy-Son bond is going away but he still seems to want my milk sometimes. I bet he can tell how happy I am to give it to him. There’s nothing like that feeling of closeness, don’t you think?

November 2 2014

I am so mad at Matty I could scream. Five times he pushed me away when I tried to feed him! FIVE! I guess I’m a useless old cow whose milk isn’t good anymore.

November 3 2014

I let Matty try some crushed up candies the other day. He LOVED them! He took handful after handful of the powdery stuff and kept whining for more. At least he was happy when I gave it to him. He smiled every time. Still, those dimples just didn’t look as cute as they used to.

November 5 2014

Matty screams and cries whenever I try to give him anything but candy. He drove me crazy all day because we didn’t have anything left. Then I remembered I had a ten pound bag of sugar in the pantry from a while back. That boy ate and ate and ate until he just fell asleep! I’m not looking forward to changing that diaper tomorrow!

November 6 2014

It warms my heart to see how grateful Matty is when I give him his sugar. It’s so good to feel wanted again. After I got fired and had to get government assistance and Matty’s daddy left everything was so out of control. Now things are looking up. My son is so beautiful.

November 13 2014

It’s been such a long time since I updated but I’ve just been so so happy about my life with Matty over the last week. He’s either smiling and laughing and showing off his beautiful dimples (which are showing better nowadays!) or he’s sleeping peacefully in my arms. I found that mixing my milk with his sugar food in a bottle gets him to start drinking it again. It’s so easy - half milk, half sugar, warm it up until it melts and give it to him when its the right temperature for him to drink. He’s going through it faster than I can make it!

December 2 2014

Matty is my little chubby baby boy. He’s so sleepy lately! When he wakes up I give him his special bottles. He’s drinking 8 a day now - I had to start using regular organic milk to mix with my own because he’s so thirsty. I know organic is more expensive but my WIC covers it and the sugar so I still have enough leftover for me. Matty’s the important one in this house.

December 7 2014

Matty’s been spitting up a lot lately and whatever he keeps down seems to go straight into his diaper. He’s still really eager for his bottles though. I put little pinches of sugar in his mouth every ten minutes while he sleeps to keep his strength up so he gets better soon.

December 12 2014

Matty feels skinny and his smile isn’t as pretty again. I remember gramma’s face got really chubby when she took Prednisone. I bet I have lots and lots of it leftover from when I kept getting her prescriptions when she was too sick to take it. It really helped her feel better when it was working, though.

December 14 2014

I’ve never seen Matty so hungry! He stopped spitting up and he’s going through his bottles faster than I’ve ever seen. I’m putting more sugar into them because he has so much energy I bet he needs the extra fuel! Gramma’s pills must have really helped him get better.

December 25 2014

Merry Christmas from me and my Matty! For a treat I gave him some eggnog but he spit it out. When I sweetened it up for him though he went at it just like he likes to do. His cheeks are so chubby lately! Same with his little hands and feet!

December 30 2014

I’m sad today. I don’t know why. I’ll give Matty his medicine but doesn’t need to eat until tomorrow.

December 31 2014

Matty made me laugh and laugh all day! He likes to try to fit his fat little hands in his mouth and pull on his tiny teeth. One of them is already getting loose! I’m still kinda down about how he’s going to be a big boy soon but it just goes to show how mature he is that he’ll be getting his grownup teeth before I know it. He makes the cutest whistling sounds when he breathes now. Like a little bird. My little birdy boy Matty!

January 9 2015

Matty’s clothes don’t fit him anymore. He’s such a soft and chubby baby boy. I make sure the house is really warm though so all he needs is his nice soft cloth diaper and his Mommy to keep him cozy. He sleeps almost all day and all night. I have to wake him up for his medicine and his sweet meals but then he goes right back into sleepyland, cooing like the little bird he is.

January 16 2015

Matty’s face is just like a beautiful cherub. So round and smooth and soft. I can see his gorgeous blue eyes shining at me when I pull up his eyebrows. His dimples that always used to show up when he smiled are there all the time! He always looks happy! I bet its that whistling noise he makes every time he breathes. It’s gotten louder lately and he must be singing himself to sleep.

January 17 2015

Sad again. Hope I’m not getting sick. I gave Matty three extra medicines just so he won’t catch anything.

January 18 2015

It took a long time for me to wake up Matty this morning. He must have been having a really nice dream. Probably about his Mommy!

January 19 2015

Matty feels like he has a chill today. I’d be so upset if I made him sick. I feel better, so maybe it was nothing. His whistling stopped though. Just another part of growing up I guess. He wouldn’t eat anything so I just gave him more pinches of sugar and crushed up medicine.

January 20 2015

Matty still feels like he has a chill and he’s so lethargic. His diaper was such a mess though! I cleaned him up and he was very good. He didn’t fuss at all - slept through the whole thing! I gave him more pinches of sugar and medicine before I went to sleep.

January 21 2015

I am so utterly depressed. I can’t deal with the world today. I put Matty in his crib to sleep through the day.

January 28 2015

Matty is still sleeping in the crib. I’m too sad to go get him. He’s not crying so he mustn’t be hungry. I’ll feed him tomorrow.

January 29 2015

I gave Matty more pinches of sugar and medicine while he slept in the crib. I have the heat turned all the way up in the house but he still feels cold. I can’t believe I made him sick. What a terrible mother I am. His crib smells awful but I’m not going to deal with his diaper today. That’s something a good mom would do. I won’t kid myself.

February 3 2015

Matty’s color looks bad but I’m not going to the doctor with him. I don’t need to be told by some man in a white coat that I shouldn’t have given my baby the flu. I picked him up and changed his diaper. I drew a bath and we both got in. The water was so hot it hurt but I wanted to make sure he’d get nice and warm. After a while I got out and left him in the tub to warm up more. I’m going to go sleep for a while. I’m sure he’ll turn over on his back and cry if he needs me to come and dry him off.

[tiralatele]

[mordepv-deactivated20180117]

Coexist

[jonroxton]

[cheapandjuicy]

The Mummy (1999)

[animalrates]

baby animals here

[myuuzaki]

Ladies and gentlemen, this is science in a nutshell

[17ksy]

[unsettlingstories]

Fertility Treatments (Revised)

They told me when I was pretty young that I’d never be able to have a baby. And that was that. No therapy, no consolation, no nothing. I was given the knowledge and left to my own devices to deal with it. They wouldn’t have to see me crying at night. Every night. For years and years. I kept it all under wraps, despite hating myself inside. Hating my failure. Hating my parts that didn’t work. Hating the jealousy I felt for the women who had that gift and squandered it. I needed to try something. Anything.

It didn’t take long before I was ordering fertility drugs online. Diethylstilbestrol. Clomiphene. GnRH. I took them all. Then I had to get sperm. A few quick ads on Craigslist, a couple pictures sent back and forth, and a meet up. An hour later, I’d have a condom full of what I needed.

I gave the drugs a week to kick in before doing anything else. They made me dizzy and nauseous. It was a small price to pay, I guess, and less invasive than my next task, which was to inject the sperm into myself. I had to try lots of spots; I was aiming for where I thought ovaries would be. I figured an ectopic pregnancy was still a pregnancy. And maybe the doctors could fix it if I was lucky enough to encounter that problem in the first place.

In the time that passed between my self-medicating and material gathering, I’d find myself drifting off to sleep and imagining a baby - my baby - warm and soft in my lap. A little bundle of warmth capable of melting the impossibly-cold center of my being. Of my identity. A precious life who would love me as much as I loved him or her. My hands would travel over my belly and I’d dream of a life growing inside. I swear, I could almost feel the kick.

Waking from those dreams brought both a renewed sense of purpose and a renewed sense of hopelessness. It was the latter that threatened to end my quest entirely. The impulse to sleep forever with the hope I’ll be joined by my newborn was almost too tempting to pass up. Reopening old scar tissue on my arms and legs did little to quiet that voice. I had to stop waiting.

The needles were long and fat and the contents were cold from the refrigerator. In that week, I’d been with 30 men. My body ached and my self-esteem was gone, but they’d given me what I required. I carefully dissected the abdomens of the two homeless women I’d lured up to my room and exsanguinated earlier this morning. Organs look so different in person, but I found my way around. I did some damage, but I’m sure whatever ova I was able to suck into the syringe had to be healthier than what my body - the body of a failure - could produce.

I injected myself with all of it, sperm and eggs, over the course of the day. My belly was a hole-filled, leaky wreck by the time I was done. The medication left me dizzier than I’d ever been. But it’s all going to be worth it when this works. When this works, I’m going to have a beautiful baby of my own. One who will be loved. One who won’t be told he can’t follow his dreams just because he’s a boy.