trigger warning

so idk 15 been like this for like a year now :/ 115 lbs maybe, haven't checked since my mum took the scales away

[tears-and-thin-collarbones]

I actually want to kill myself

I told myself I would never think of it ever again after my last attempt and the trauma I got from it but honestly life is taking so much out of me

I can't handle being the worst all the time

Always the bad person

And I can't deal with not looking as good as the other girls

I'm 15 and a 30c but they're so uneven and it's so unfair

I have one of the worst side profiles with my crooked nose and thin lips

I have a flat ass but I don't even have a flat stomach to even it out

My legs go purple when I'm cold or have been stood up for too long and it kills me because every other girl I know is perfect

I'm not smart either

I'm in second set maths, science, and English but I know that I can't keep up and eventually I'll fall

And that's bad because I've based so much of my worth being smart, but since my parents announcing their divorce I can't keep up

I'm ugly and stupid and I don't even have a god personality

And what makes it worse is that everyone always tells me I'm perfect, my friends, my boyfriends, my family, other boys, other girls, but I'm not

I want for once someone to feed my desire to be depressed and tell me the truth and say I'm unfixably hideous

And that's why I want to kill myself

But I won't

I'm too pussy

[tears-and-thin-collarbones]

It is insane to me how I see 115lbs as bad, some people would kill for that

However, I remember being weighed when I was 8 and my mum said '6 stone, don't worry that's a perfect weight for you' and I've carried that mentality ever since

[tears-and-thin-collarbones]

;

[tears-and-thin-collarbones]

Big house

Big boobs

Big money

[tears-and-thin-collarbones]

I love myself most when I don't eat

[tears-and-thin-collarbones]

I'm so fucking annoyed, I do everything and yet less worthy people, less deserving people, get more, I don't understand, its like everything is given to everyone else, and I'm sat here struggling

[tears-and-thin-collarbones]

Just a little cat scratch to make sure I'm alive

[tears-and-thin-collarbones]

When youre seeing your boyfriend so you're gunna like starve yourself for like 3 days

[tears-and-thin-collarbones]

That 3 am I can fix my life motivation

[tears-and-thin-collarbones]

Me being able to see my ribs, spine, pelvis, wrists: dam I'm so fat

[tears-and-thin-collarbones]

So like I got a boyfriend and now everyone thinks we had sex and people are calling me a slut and think I gave him an std even though I don't have an std and we didn't even have sex, we haven't even kissed yet and now I'm freaking out

[tears-and-thin-collarbones]

Me: I think I can recover now?

My friends being angry with me: we have different plans

My friends basically don't like me anymore because I broke up with my boyfriend, and even though we are still friends, my friends are angry with me because apparently im using him despite me not needing a boyfriend to be flirty af so like :/ oh and the only one that actually still likes me has covid so not seeing her for another 2 weeks sooo.... luckily I have different friends not in that group who also side with me so I'm chilling with them atm, but they don't go in for lunch so I'm not earing at lunch anymore lmao hahah ha hu

[tears-and-thin-collarbones]

Hi guys

I realised I was just doing this to lose weight, and that the things I want to do to lose weight and do other stuff to my body doesn't work with eating 700 calories a day, so imma try and go in to recovery. I'm probably going to relapse at some point but yeah lmao

[tears-and-thin-collarbones]

Part way through January and I fucking hate myself

[tears-and-thin-collarbones]

After eating, with clothes on (winter so jeans, turtle neck, crew neck), on my period, I'm 113 lbs!!! First time I've weighed myself since like July 2021, back then I was weighing myself twice a day, now I want to check every second.

Its so addicting to see pay off

[tears-and-thin-collarbones]

Not gunna lie, how do people eat 2000 calories a day, that seems impossible. I'm trying to eat 1000 cals or under atm but some how even eating 1000 cals seems hard, not because of my person issues just the amount I'm eating.

[tears-and-thin-collarbones]

Bullet journal to track shit

January

Show you how I did at the end of the month :)