The Real Shit

depression , lifestyle , writer

[tearsnpainco]

As I drown my self with pain .your ego can not be tamed.

As I cry myself to sleep ,your out finding your latest conviction.

Tell me your sorry and that I am the one ,but a timely reoccurrence proves you so very wrong.

For you can not think with your heart only the strangers bed you will soon awake in.

[tearsnpainco]

Some days are good

Some days are shit

[tearsnpainco]

>> you caressed her spine with chills as your hand moved further and further down her body

this rush of emotions unlike no other

you grabbed her small and petite waist uplifting her into your arms crashing and banging objects within and instant distructing everything in your path

You release your tight grip placing her on the counter top and then you ...<<

[tearsnpainco]

>>The real pain is knowing your not enough

the real pain is feeling like you’ll never be enough

pain demands to be felt

we replace are grief and loss with pain like hunger and self destruction when does it end.

will things ever change , i feel the pain growing inside of me like a malignant tumour waiting to burst and declare war on my body.

but ...the truth is I’m already fighting a war killing my insides because that’s what happens in war

Pain is war

Pain is suicide

Pain is loss

Pain is love

Pain is EVERYWHERE <<

[tearsnpainco]

I wanna be ok

But I don’t think I can be ok without you

Does it ever end?

Is there an off switch ?

[tearsnpainco]

Inside the teenage mind > >

You wanted her when it was convenient for you,you held her when you knew how your night would end ,you blessed her with kisses and held her tight just until the moment was right.. to real her in like a hook line and sinker just waiting until your games could begin , a never ending cycle of I love you but I don’t , the I want to care for you but I won’t because that would enable me to feel , feel something for her like she’s special , like i want her to be my girl . And just when theirs nothing else left to pull to the surface of her feelings you leave , you leave her broken and distraught but that was your game all along wasn’t it ?

Lead her on just enough until you got to close so you had to up and leave.<<

[tearsnpainco]

Ever feel like your invisible ... like everyone in society seems so happy and in love yet you find yourself being unlovable.like yeah the one night stands are cool and all until you find yourself waking up to an empty bed with nothing but cold sheets and a pillow to hold. Will I ever love , will I ever be held

[tearsnpainco]

Sometimes I feel so hopeless and guilty that I just wanna ghost my own identity... get on a plane and never be seen again maybe that way I won’t hurt people , maybe that way I can choose my distance

[tearsnpainco]

I just wanna be anywhere but here

[tearsnpainco]

Anxiety

People often tell me it will be fine...

People often tell me we all have to do things we don’t like...

But when you have lost everything in your life change is something much more than it’s made out to be

To the endless panic attacks

To feeling trapped in a room full of people who think your fine but your really struggling to find the air to breath.

To having to break that routine You have come to know and grow comfortable with.

Life isn’t easy when you want to socialise ,when you want to be spontaneous when you want to acheive everything in life but in the moments leading up to it your body aches ,your stomach drops and your thoughts ponder with so many what if’s, simple tasks seem like never ending mountains that I you so badly want to climb but the strength is no where near.

So before you jump to the “you’ll be fine’s”

And the “your being stupid “

Think about living inside a procrastinating mind with demonic thoughts.before you feel the need to judge

[tearsnpainco]

Everyday one lives one dies

Which side will you be on today

Will you survive another countless second with another unorthodox kiss.

Will your heart skip a beat as you fall deeper and deeper into a crazy little thing called love.

Or will you be the breathless

Awaiting ur fate

Will you be covered with 6 feet of dirt,locked away from this cruel yet amazing world.

Life is precious so breathe every breath and love every second that you happen to walk your path amongst this earth because that breath can be taken away in a instant with no explanations or convenient timings

[tearsnpainco]

Ironic isn’t it

You say One thing and do another

You say you need me but you need her to

You say I’m the only girl but I’m not

You say you’d never cheat but you do

And well ...

I say I’m ok but I’m not

I say I trust you but I don’t

I say I love you but truth is I don’t anymore

So I guess it’s possible that where both liars

[tearsnpainco]

Me and you ...

She felt alone surrounded by her own discomfort

The realisation hit her

The world had become to mediocre for her to bare

She once held a spontaneous urge to live life but slowly time removed every inch of that urge and life to her wasnt about living anymore , it was just a means of eating sleeping and breathing.the world in her eyes was just a dying breed and everyday more and more souls would fade away into nothing.

They say you need to love yourself before you can love anything else but what if living was because every single second of the day that 1 person made life worth it.how is life supposed to be worth it without them,how is a below average society with heartless selfish breeds of humans something to look forward to without you here.

I miss you .

I miss life

I miss living

[tearsnpainco]

Mum ... although your not here to guide me through the hurdles life throws at me and although you won’t see me grow as an individual or see me fall in love or meet my children ..your grandchildren everything I am you taught me to be and every single day I think of you because no matter how caught up I can be I carry on your traits throughout my daily routine so hi hello I miss you way to much but think of it as a holiday in the sky rather than a goodbye

[tearsnpainco]

When will we be people

Unique is a word I struggle to see in this confirmed society

It’s as if it’s a crime to be something other than the social norm

If you love another race they look down on you

If your child has different skin to you they look down on you

If your holding someone’s hand that isn’t the opposite sex they look down on you

Why is it so hard to accept people for people

Why can we not see past genders ,race ,age

Forget female and male

Forget black and white

When will it just be people

When will we love one another for individuality

When will we accept that each and every person to walk this planet is different

[tearsnpainco]

Who have I become

Your words struck me like bullets

I hate the person I’ve become

I hate the person you say i am

Grief changed me

It closed me away from emotions

Made me form habits I can’t seem to break ...

I shut people out when they get to close, because the truth is I’m scared

Scared to love someone more than you

Scared to forget about you

I build up a wall to hide behind in hopes no one will ever climb it

If only I could instead build a ladder to wherever you are in heaven

I let everyone beleive I have no emotion , that I can’t feel anything

But in reality I feel everything

I’m breaking,Crumbling and losing myself more and more eachday.

It pains me to see the friendships I’ve lost , the people I’ve hurt ,the ricochet of bullet wounds peircing my skin won’t ever let me forget that

I lost my people

People who understood and loved me

Pushed them away

Until they eventually went away

I’ve left myself

Changed beings

And I hate it

[tearsnpainco]

Feelings change

Hi ,Just wanted to check in to see how u are

I know I left your message on read

But..

The truth is I’m lost ,I don’t know what to do

I once wanted you so so bad ,I once Loved you with every aching muscle in my body

But you didn’t know I was their ,You didn’t want me like I wanted you

And now ..

Now that you want me

Now that you give me every minute of your attention

Tell me you love me every single day

I just don’t feel the same way

It irritates me to feel such a way because I spent countless nights crying over you , missed countless classes daydreaming over you ,wasted countless hours trying to get through to you.

My friends say I should be happy ,I got what i wanted.

But I didn’t

We never get to see what us could be

Because we are never gonna feel the same

As time moves on I’m learning to be ok with not feeling the way I once did.

I’m learning to grow to love someone new

So I hope your happy and life brings you everything and more ,good luck xox -s