Finding My Path

This is a journal-style blog where I will catalog my progress towards my goals and career. My main blog (full of fandom trash and angst) is kaieraai <3

[technical-adulting]

Happy Fall! (September)

Happy September, everyone! I can't help but shift immediately into a fall perspective, even as my yard asks to be mowed one final time (Don't think it's gonna happen.) Fall is my favorite season, Halloween is my favorite holiday, and so of course I am already planning my fall schemes, especially since I didn't actually get a chance to do hardly any of the summer activities I'd wanted. I did go on one adventure, but it was more of a detour after spending some time with Alyssa's family, as opposed to an actual real trip for the sake of taking a trip. Before I get too far into all the general stuff happening with me, I want to acknowledge that we cannot give up on the BLM movement. It's less pervasive in our current setting again, we are getting ready to shift into the election season, and I was just thinking about how interesting it is how little political information I have seen, so close to election. I think this is for a number of reasons, a general hopelessness on the blue side, dwindling support from the red side, but regardless, we all need to do our part. Regardless of where you fall on the political spectrum, regardless of  whether you feel your vote will matter, or that you are getting the options you wanted, please, PLEASE vote. It's a privilege, not a right. Anyways, its another Saturday. I had an eventful morning, spending time assisting my mom with corralling some feral cats we rescued. I have a long weekend, labor day, and I really want to get a fire going at some point during the weekend. I want it to be a celebration, but weekends like this just remind me that I miss my dad, that I wish he would be sitting at the camp fire with me. It's unreal sometimes, but it's been 9 months now. It doesn't get easier. I'm not sure it ever really will. Apparently there are cases of Covid again, which is really a pity, as we were clear for a long time. I don't really watch the news, but I heard through the grapevine about it. I've been intermittent fasting for a little over a month, and I have lost weight, probably a littler over 10 pounds! I started to feel like I was plateauing right after that, but partially I think that's just due to another shift at work, and other monthly cycles. I think this long weekend will be good for me. I don't usually fast on weekends, and so I'll have some time to reset, and make sure that the meals I am having when not fasting and healthy and well balanced. Alyssa is finally working, so part of the issue is finding the time to actually work on planning meals and the like. It'll just take time to adjust to the new work routine and the best time to get house chores done with that in mind. I kind of immediately gave up on Fabulous. We'll see if I can get back on track with it, but honestly, my time-keeping routine seems to be a better fit, so really what it comes down to is actually moving exercise into a high priority spot (A work in progress.) A friend of mine is promising to ride bikes with me, we just need to improve our endurance in the mean-time. Oh, also? Alyssa fell off the IF train when she started work. We're working on packing healthy lunches, so I think that's a good place to improve health-wise for both of us. I have plans for spooky events leading up to October, and already have one trip booked for a few weeks from now to the Rolling Hills Asylum! In the mean time, I plan to possibly collect some ghost hunting gear. I think it would be a fun hobby to investigate supposedly haunted places, and this is a good one to start with, given I'm pretty sure it's a certified haunted place! I'll have updates on that moving forward.

I don't have as much to report this time around, but I think that's partially due to fatigue. I might move to weekly notes so my monthly updates have more stuff, we'll see. Happy September!!! See you next month!

[technical-adulting]

August Updates

Its a Saturday, and my only weekend day this week, as I'm picking up a shift for work tomorrow. People are back in the program setting, which is nice, but different, and a lot smaller. Not everyone is back yet, and we still can't really go out in the community with anyone. My shift tomorrow is residential, so we wouldn't be anyways, but, you know. It's a peaceful morning. Alyssa is making breakfast, it's sunny but cool outside, and I got to sleep in. There is still a lot going on, of course, but I've been grateful with the feeling of rest I've been given this week. Last night, I celebrated my mom's birthday, and I've had a few more chances to spend time with friends I haven't seen since before the quarantine, and honestly, longer. There's still work to do. BLM isn't a fad that we all needed to talk about for a few weeks and then ignore. Covid-19 is still killing people. Wear your mask in public, refrain from traveling, and quarantine if you do. Don't get angry if someone reports you for not following rules. The sooner we all comply, the sooner this will be over. Be safe and take care of each other. I'm working on getting slightly more efficient routines in place for myself. I started an intermittent fasting program in order to improve my eating habits. I was fasting for 18 hours and eating for 6, but now that I'm back at work it's actually closer to 22 or so. I'm not super hungry, as I've gotten used to my routine, so it doesn't bother me too much, though at the same time, I haven't seen a lot of progress either. I feel better. I don't feel sluggish as often, but I'm not really losing weight. I know I need to incorporate more exercise, so I've started using another app called Fabulous, that helps create morning, afternoon, and night rituals for you to follow, to improve routine and fit in healthy practices that otherwise I don't always think about. Some of my goals are to actually stick to an exercise regimen, and feel more rested. (I could probably benefit from a better skin care routine too but y'know, baby steps.) Alyssa has been trying IF with me too, though she isn't doing it as intensely as I am. It doesn't bother me and I'm really good at sticking to it, except for when I forget and eat something random (Like a tomato from my mom's garden, or I lick a spoon while baking), but the nice thing is, you also get days off, and I've been using them on the weekends so far.

I'm also excited to exercise more, because I know that will benefit Kiri. Kiri is a little high-strung, though honestly, she does really well. We just need to take her for longer walks, especially now that she can't be trusted in our fence. She has gleefully realized it is very easy to leap the fence, and does so without any effort. She always comes back once she is free, but not before looping the house and sometimes the adjacent field and wood at lightning speed. I tried to complete a second camp NaNoWriMo last month, to no avail. For some reason, it was really hard to just sit down and write a piece that was supposed to flow together. I plan to participate in the real naNoWriMo in November, and I worry that I'll struggle again unless I find some guidelines in the mean time to help me. I like writing short stories, and I've been told they're good. I think I need to piece the short stories into something more cohesive, and I can still follow some of the structure. It's just that the in-between parts, the explaining my world, the descriptions of characters, and how I want to portray their personalities officially seems more difficult. It feels like I should be ready by now. I have been telling stories about my characters for ages, literally these guys have existed for over 10 years, and yet when I sit down to actually tell a story that anyone could read, it feels like the way I want to tell it just wouldn't make sense to someone new. Maybe an outline would help. I don't know. One of my goals, leading up to November is to figure out some sort of guidelines for writing my first real draft. My other goal is to get more familiar with the political process. I feel like I never really learned how to vote. I know it's importance, and I plan to make my voice heard, but that's not enough. I'll be the first to admit, I do not watch the news. I don't have cable and I don't want it. I watch netflix and that's good enough for me. (And honestly, I don't even do that all the time.) But the first time I voted, back in 2016, I realized I hadn't known that local government was elected during the presidential election. This might sound silly, especially coming from an all honors student, who carried that into the honors program in college, but I realized I know very little about the voting process. I've been participating since then. I've allowed some news sources and a lot of social media shape my views, and I know I need to improve. I need to listen to the debates, I need to better understand the process, and I need my voice to be one that is informed, so the people I allow to speak for me, the people I allow to govern me, were actually influenced by my own understanding of what that entails. That's all of our duty. That's something we all need to be better at. I know it can be daunting and exhausting and feel like it will never help. In some ways, I'm very afraid that it won't, especially with Trump. He's already saying the polls are fake and that they will be inaccurate, and there are a lot of people who believe him. The thing is, he's not wrong. The polls are being messed with. Gerrymandering ensures that certain regions don't get as much of a say in the voting process, and especially with Covid, there will be whole regions (Likely those of lower income) that find they are unsure how/where to vote. Their voices matter the most, though. With mail-in ballots, there's a terrible chance that it will be inaccurate, as Trump has warned, but I worry that will come from his side. I worry he will argue inaccuracy if he doesn't win, he will call for recount after recount until magically the issue is corrected. Maybe this sounds conspiratorial to you, but I wouldn't put it past him. He has manipulated our nation into so much distrust of the system, but he is one of the reasons to not trust the system. Anyways, lets work together to get educated. We can't trust our officials to be honest with us, so we need to learn about it ourselves. You don't have to watch the news. Find a few good sources you trust, an online journal or something that gives impartial highlights, and go from there. Lets learn what it is we're supposed to be voting for. Lets form educations based on how we want to be governed, not how we want people to be taken advantage of. Not how we want to see certain people be stripped of their liberties. Lets vote for a nation that is supporting the people who live there, not attacking them.

[technical-adulting]

July 2020

While things in NY are beginning to reopen, things get worse in the south. My job remains quarantined, although people are allowed to visit face to face with family now, as long as family follow proper social distancing guidelines. Church is back open, but due to their open door policy (Which I'm in support of, but can't participate in) I'll likely not be going back for a while. I'm so proud of those who fought for justice through the protests, but am dismayed at how little justice we really got. There have been so many other crimes, there continue to be, almost it seems more in response to this outcry. As the united states crumbles from it's very foundation, we celebrate 4th of July, and many of us realize how many of our freedoms have been infringed upon, and how much of our approved free action supports agendas of violence and hate. This blog was supposed to be for me to document the ways I've grown personally, but my personal life pales in comparison to the struggles in the world around me. Whether I know how to budget, or how nice my garden looks isn't really relevant in the current political atmosphere. There is so much to discuss, there is so much I need to be better educated on, there are so many ways I wish my thoughts, my support, my love for the human race and my desire to see it flourish in togetherness rather than hatred could be better heard, better understood. There's a song I like by a band called AJJ, and there's a line I feel is very relevant right now. "Again we've slipped inside a pit of absolute despair, that's where we live. Until we're not, no justice, no peace, no hope." At first, this line seems very hopeless and sorrowful, but really it's a call to action. We are in a dark time, nationally. People are dying because of a dividing attitude that the leaders of our country perpetuate and benefit from. But the second part of the line, 'until we're not," is important. We cannot let ourselves be comforted by the illusions of justice. There hasn't been justice. The protests have scraped only the beginnings of justice for a system that will kill more people tomorrow out of spite for how it's been challenged today. No peace. The officers who stand with protesters are kind, but they need to do more. They are part of the system that is being challenged, and they need to make choices about why they are serving a system that lets so many people die, that lets so many be killed. No hope. Prayers are good. But prayers without feet mean nothing. You kind thoughts mean nothing. Your hope for a better future mean nothing. Be what you want to see. Be the changes you hope and pray for. We will stay in a dark time until we understand that things won't get better without or action to make them better. When Trump was first elected, I was very loud about my opinions, and that of before. I stand by what I have said, that he is hateful. That he uses the hate he can stir up in others to give himself more power. That he is self-centered and will do whatever it takes to come out on top. He attacks anyone who challenges him or poses a threat and preys on the ignorant who will believe what he says in order to garner support. I'm dismayed at just how many people allow him to fool them, and I'm baffled at this point how he still has supporters. Even in the face of evil and ignorance I believe that goodness is inherent. That it is the separation that perpetuates cruelty. We know people who are opposed to our views, and we avoid those conversations because they breed anger. But we have to be open to the conversation. And not in a way where we don't expect to be changed. We need to be open to learn. Posting political opinions and cussing out anyone who disagrees with you doesn't help. It's just flying a flag that says "You aren't welcome here." We should be trying to get on the same page. We should be trying to understand why people are being mistreated, why we think that's okay, even if they are different, even if they do threaten certain traditions, or the economy. Maybe we should be working on traditions that don't encourage people to die from their otherness, maybe we should be building an economy that doesn't crumble when providing aide or shelter. Maybe we should be looking at ways to change for the better, not ways to better enforce that which is so often challenged. I'm not a politician. I haven't studied the law. But if we started at the bottom, if we start with our neighbors, whether they are black, or gay, or immigrants, or poor, or anything, if we started by being kind at the base of our beings, maybe the changes could work their way up. Maybe the children who will grow into the next politicians would be kinder and less selfish. Maybe they'd be more sensitive to the needs of people unlike themselves. Maybe they would be more honest. You have the ability to be kind. You have the ability to speak up against cruelty. You have the ability to question in your soul if your attitudes are harmful, and why you feel justified in those attitudes. You have the ability to grow. So lets do it. I am trying. There's so much I still need to learn. I'm grateful for the realization that I come from a place of privilege, and I am learning how I can use that to help defend those who need it. I need you of similar or greater privilege to do your part too. If you read all of this, thank you. I know I lean more liberal, I know that I disparaged both Trump and his supporters. I'm sorry if you felt targeted by anything I said. I just beg you to consider why supporting someone like him, who threatens the well being of so many, is harmful. How policies against LGBT+ people, how ICE camps, how his unwillingness to govern in the middle of a pandemic, cost lives. And it's not just him, I know. But he's a good place to start. Thank you for your time. Lets work together to get out of this pit. Lets be kind. We do know how. Lets promote kindness and togetherness and acceptance. Lets love even the unlovable people. We can be better. We can do more. We need to. 

[technical-adulting]

June 2020

It feels a bit foolish to give a life update on my gardening schemes or what cute things my dog has done in times like these. Everything is crazy. We are in the middle of a terrifying upheaval, but it was a long time coming. I am grateful to live in a historic moment where we are finally deciding to grow and to be better. I'm so grateful that we have reached a point at which there is no return, and that our nation has been able to show it's solidarity against those who are evil and hateful, that we have decided we won't let these people continue to thrive in our world. It's hard, because there is such a horrible divide between the people who live and work and just exist in this country, and those who are running it. Power in this country is otherness, it is the opportunity to take advantage of those below. I don't know how we take back control. I have a BS in Music Tech. All I know is we need to be heard. And I also know that my voice is far less important than those who have actually suffered and died at the hands of such discrimination and hate.

So I've had a hard time coming up with things to say. I work at a job where I come in contact with vulnerable people, so I've been afraid to join the protests. I have donated, and I will continue to voice my support, but there is a part of me that feels sorrow that I haven't been able to participate. I'm not afraid of getting me sick. If it was just about me I would be there. But my health affects so many people more vulnerable than me. I'm not going to be able to return back to church right away for that reason as well. Until the people I support are back in the community, I just don't think I can, I can't risk being the reason people who haven't been able to leave their house since this all started managed to get Covid-19 anyways. It's not been great on my mental health either. Sometimes I get stuck in an endless loop of news updates and social media and I lay awake with such an uneasiness in my heart I can barely stand it. Things aren't okay, and even in the quiet of the night where I am safe, I know this and it's hard to sleep. But I keep reminding myself that this isn't about me. Any situational fear or stress or sorrow I feel is only a fraction of the suffering that these protests are acknowledging. I am white, and therefore I have the privilege of never really understanding what it means to fear the police. To know that my life and well-being are always under threat, no matter what. I think especially living in a community that is primarily white, it can be easy for us to forget that even though we don't see it, it's still there. Racism is real. It's out there. And no, there's no such thing as reverse racism, no, white people are not under attack because Black Lives Matter. I have so many thoughts and feelings and above all else, I wish I was rich, I wish I was able to make a statement that people heard. I wish that there were enough people who looked up to me that my opinions really made an impact, and I am grateful for all the people who have impacted me, who have enabled me to continue to grow kinder, and to look outside myself and to put others first. I wish there was more than I could do. That's what my life is like right now. I spend each day thinking about how our nation's heart is so broken. I am proud to be a small part of the outpouring of support that I can only pray will lead to change. I will do my part to be that change, even in the smallest circles I have. I will pray for more ways that my words can reach hardened hearts, that my actions can impact those still missing the point. I am angry at the hate that has lead us to this point. I am trying to understand how to discourage it in a way that is more than just a shallow internet argument. Black lives matter. And I will do my part to show people that. I pray that I will be given the tools to reach those who aren't listening, those who aren't looking, those who are pretending this isn't true, or that it doesn't matter. I will keep looking for the ways to break through the fake news and reach people at their hearts. I'm choosing to be the change, no matter how small my part is.

[technical-adulting]

Well, April was kinda weird with all the quarantine stuff, huh? Obviously it's continued into May but my first weekend of the month has given me lots of opportunity to spent time outside, so I can't complain. I got to repot a few of my plants, an I've learned a good lesson too: Don't start putting the plants out the very first time the sun smiles down on you. It seems the snow is finally gone for good, but it's been pouring on and off all last week. I'm looking forward to sunnier days to come.

Alyssa has been home since the end of March, and we think she's probably staying, which is nice. Of course, it's kinda hard for her to get a job in the current climate, but y'know, we'll figure it out. Haven't had a chance to garden since it's been so miserable, but it is nice today, so maybe I'll actually do some weeding and planting today. Or maybe just weeding...

Oh yeah! Alyssa and I got a dog!! Her name is Kiri and she is a pit-boxer mix. She is the sweetest baby, only about a year and a half old. We got her from Animal Care Sanctuary up in East Smithfield, near Sayre in PA. She apparently was hit by a car at once point, so her back right leg is a little gimpy, but it doesn't seem to bother her at all, she just favors the other one more often. So far we've taken her for quite a few hikes and she's been thrilled! She still needs to learn some house manners, and some "leave the kitties alone" manners, but the girls are also helping with this by being absolutely ferocious when she gets excited. Just this morning we had to break up and argument in which both cats were tag-teaming the dog and forcing her to run into the kitchen for safety. Needless to say, Kiri is not going to be mean to the cats. Sophie and Whitney though? They will absolutely beat up this dog of given the chance.

Work is getting a little monotonous but I feel like I'm also settling into a rhythm of sorts with all of it too. I miss my old job but it'll just be even more fun once we're back! Above all, I just hope that people will realize we should be paying 'essential' workers more money. We're the people who are still serving during this pandemic. We're on the front lines, the most susceptible. We also have families and people we could infect. I'm blessed to be in a fairly sterile environment, but I really feel for the people who work at supermarkets. Anyways, I can only hope that this will encourage a change for our future. That the coming generations will be protected from things like this because we had to learn what to do. And VACCINATE YOUR KIDS.

What else? Alyssa's birthday is coming up soon. So I need to plan for that. Of course, I have a feeling we're still going to be stuck at home. Currently, the quarantine is supposed to last until May 15th, but other states have already extended theirs so... well, I guess all we can do is see.

I completed camp NaNoWriMo last month! I wrote 50,000 words in the form of short excerpts from my series Children of Diplomacy. My goal for the next one is to work on piecing the timeline and stories I have together into a cohesive story. I have a feeling that these will eventually become a series of books rather than one big book, but I need to find a place to start, first. I have the timeline of things that happen to my characters, I just need to figure out in what order I want to talk about all of it. The next one is in July, so we'll see what I get done then, I guess!

[technical-adulting]

So Corona Virus has everything all weird right now but I'm getting by. My job is considered 'essential', as I'm a DSP so they just sent me to a residence, and I've been carrying on as normally as possible from there! My ensembles are on hiatus until everything settles down, and I did end up getting a new car! It's a Jeep Cherokee and I love it VERY much. Too lazy to post pictures right now, maybe I will at a later date.

I jumped the gun on putting some of my plants out for the spring, and accidentally froze a couple, but I think they're going to live. I wish the weather would stay consistently warm, I bought a bunch of seeds and want to get planting!! One plus for me has been that Alyssa got to come home due to the virus. I'm very happy to have her back but our summer adventures appear to be put on hold for the foreseeable future... I really wanted to road trip this summer! But... patience is a virtue I suppose.

Whitney got her stitches out and her bum is healing fine. She does look a little silly with her shaved bum but she's doing great otherwise, yelling in the hall and pestering her sister like usual.

Can't think of a whole lot else thats going on right now, the virus has made my live otherwise pretty uneventful I guess!

[technical-adulting]

Welcome March!

So, it's been a little while. I haven't updated since November. My dad passed away at the beginning of December, and honestly, writing a report on how things were going just seemed difficult at the time. Maybe I'm invigorated by the spring-like weather we're finally seeing, but I think it's finally time for a new update. I'm still at my job with the Arc! We haven't fully merged yet, but I've gotten to meet some new people who are from the arc of chemung, and I even got a raise! DayHab Without Walls is an amazing program and my co-workers are awesome people. I love the job and I've loved being able to help people. I've been playing in two ensembles, and joining the Corning Community Band gave me the opportunity to finally buy a french horn! It was in a silent auction, and i couldn't be happier. I need to get it serviced and maybe have some light cosmetic work done on it, but it's a Conn 8D and it's in great shape. Just this last weekend I did some serious car hunting. I've been having issues with my tires ever since winter started, and so after getting my Lumina stuck in the driveway three times, I graduated to dad's truck while I started hunting for a new car. I have my eye on one I think I'm going to get, but that will likely be finalized tomorrow. If all goes well I'll have pictures in my next update! The house has come a long way. Almost all of the rooms are functional now and I've even been able to move some more stuff in. I haven't made my office space yet, but I think that might be my next big mission. There are a lot of opportunities for de-cluttering in other parts of the house still, but also, having a whole other functional room would make things much easier too! So I'm excited for that. Alyssa got to stay for me for a week and although I had to work, it was good getting to spend my evenings with her. I can't wait until she'll bee back for the summer, and hopefully in another semester or two, home for good ❤️ I finally made us facebook official too. It took a little bit, and I had a lot of reason for that, but hey, we made it. Whitney had a vet scare a few days ago. She came in to go to bed and we noticed a huge wound on her left side up by her bum. Turns out she had a infected anal gland that had turned into an abscess. The vet had to do surgery to clean/stitch it closed, and she'll be in a cone for two weeks. I was rather upset as the wound seemed very large and I didn't know how I could have missed it. The vet assured Alyssa that due to the infection starting from the inside, we wouldn't have noticed it until it opened, and it seemed like we had gotten her in pretty quickly after that happening. Sophie doesn't really know why we're making such a big deal out of Whitney all of a sudden, and Whitney had been a bit more cuddly as they did give her some pain meds for the stitches. She goes back on Tuesday to get the drain out, and then two weeks until she can get her stitches out, poor girl. She doesn't seem too bothered as of right now, high spirits, not walking like she is pained or anything, but I'm supposed to only feed her soft food until she heals and she's not really enjoying that too much.

I have lots of goals for spring time. I want to garden this year, and spend some time figuring out if I want to build a new house on my property right now or not. I think I need to see how much my car payments are going to be and really pay attention to my budget. That might be something I hold off on until Alyssa is out of school and we can use our incomes together to pay bills and such. Oh, also? The Arc is hiring, so tell them I referred you if you apply! I get a sign-on bonus, lol. I think that's all I've got for now. I'll try to get back to updating here monthly again. So, until then, see ya!

[technical-adulting]

November!

Skipped October, things have been a little wild again. So I started a new job at the Arc of Schuyler, soon to be merged with the Arc of Chemung. I am a Direct Care Professional who works with Day Habilitation Without Walls. Basically, I assist people with developmental disabilities to experience new opportunities in their surrounding community. It’s a full time job and I’d like to think I am catching on quick, though it can be chaotic at times. In other news, my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and treatment has been rough. He’ll be getting out of the hospital tomorrow after about a week’s stay to restore circulation to his foot which caused damage to his toes and could threaten his ability to walk. On the day of his last surgery, a deer ran into my car on the way to work, smashing in my driver’s side window and causing me to swerve into a ditch, where my car landed completely on it’s side. Long story short, my car isn’t looking too hot and I’m driving my dad’s truck until we can get a replacement vehicle. So yeah, things are a bit crazy. I’m a little overwhelmed now and then, I’m tired and frustrated and I made the terrible decision to do a two-week long house sitting job about 40 minutes from my house on top of it. It’s almost over but yeah, more or less I have been a little overwhelmed. Hopefully November will have mercy on me, because October certainly didn’t. See you all next time...

[technical-adulting]

Hello, September!

Things have been going pretty good at my new place. There have been some bumps, an issue with vermin I’m trying to get a handle on, and the general issue of clearing out stuff with very little place to put it, but otherwise it’s been good. I have a functional bedroom, two bathrooms, living room (though theres some stuff I’ll want to move around eventually) and kitchen (but that needs a lot of work still.) There’s a spare room, laundry spot, though you’ve gotta keep and eye on the dryer because it won’t turn off. We’ve planted some plants outside and various people have chopped down some of Nana’s bushes by mistake. (Sorry Nana, please haunt them, not me.) I’ve transitioned into being the person who tends to the lawn, though this has been met with distrust from my dad so far. Alyssa went back to school, so I’m alone up here, but I’m getting used to the area. I might check out the game shop in town soon, maybe I could join a little dnd game there or just generally make some friends who live closer. Not that the drive to Mansfield is that taxing, but you know...

Farm sanctuary is extending my position until December. I attempted to get a full-time job there but I’m not sure that’s the right fit, and have begun looking for other job opportunities. I have an interview tomorrow!! The past few days I’ve felt a little antsy and I guess bored with my general responsibilities. I think that there’s something more than just finding a job up here that pays enough for me to exist (and pay my student loans). I don’t know what it is yet, if it’s going back to school or looking for more ambitious and farther away jobs, but I’m not sure yet. I think that there’s something out there for me that’s closer to my passions. I’m happy to do hard honest work, but I know that I was given a creative mind and a skill with sciences... so I don’t know yet, we’ll see what comes up. In the mean time I’m just blessed to have a job at all. The cats are doing good. I didn’t get to sleep at home last week because I was house sitting, and felt really bad that the first week Alyssa was gone, so was I. However, all has been forgiven and Whitney sleeps on the bed with me <3 I think Sophie would too but Whitney is a little territorial about the bedroom. (Brat) However, Sophie has decided that the spare room was made for her, so I guess it’s an okay trade off. I let them on the porch sometimes and it’s so funny because they’ll scurry back in if I catch them out there. Like it’s okay girls, you can do that, that’s why the door was open!

The office space is still full, but I’m sure we’ll get to it soon. I can’t do too much without mom, especially in that room, so usually I do desk-work from the living room floor, lol. We have little tv stands but they’re just not the right shape and I have old-lady back problems to begin with. That’s my next big goal for this place, though.  I did get a book from work! I haven’t read it yet, it’s been sitting in my car. I’ve been helping my church with some extra video projects, doing stuff like that, so I haven’t had a lot of time. It’s funny when I think about how I’m actually rather busy but still feel bored sometimes. I’m blessed, but I’m not satisfied, and I think that’s a good thing. I know there’s more out there for me. I know that I am going to change the world. I released another song recently but it hasn’t really gotten any attention. (Not that my stuff does that much anyways.) But I thought it was weird! I think I’m getting close to having enough songs to release a full album, but I’m not sure if that means I should avoid posting them the moment they’re done... I’m not sure I can contain my excitement, haha. I feel like I need something to promote me, but wouldn’t even know where to start with that. I suppose we’ll see. Anyways! Just a quick update :) Now I’m going to get back to it!

[technical-adulting]

Back for August

So it’s been a while, and lots of stuff has happened!

I’ve moved into my grandmother’s place and I’m renovating while I work at the Farm Sanctuary, a job I’ve had for probably a month now. I have two cats and have acquired quite a few more plants that came with the property. So, lots of stuff! Nana’s place is an older trailer, but its comfy and has two bedrooms, a full and half bathroom, and a little office space (currently full of stuff, but we’re working on it.) I set up a little table with some pictures, I jokingly call it the Nana shrine, but it is a little place for family photos, especially of those I miss a lot. There’s a water softener that makes a horrible thumping noise every once in a while at 4 am, and definitely bears that get into the trash, but you can see the milky way because there’s less light pollution, and I’ve been able to identify more constellations than I used to, which is exciting for me. :) The Farm Sanctuary rescues exploited farm animals from factory farming. I’m not a vegan, but everyone else there is and they are very kind. I only eat vegan goods while on the campus, and have honestly been considering getting a book to investigate some vegan alternatives. It’s a bit more expensive to be vegan, so likely I’d adhere to it as long as the food I was eating only affected me. If someone’s got a pizza for a big group or something I’d be fine.. also I really -really- like cheese so this might pose as a struggle lol. My cats are named Sophie and Whitney, they came from a friend who couldn’t take them with her to a new apartment. They’re 9 years old and sisters, and they don’t like each other very much. Whitney is more social, she comes right out to say hello, and is rather loud. Sophie is a bit more gaurded but just as cuddly. She likes to get up on the back of the chair and purr loudly. Whitney picks on Sophie, and Sophie always has a fit and runs away if Whitney even gets near her, but when they tussle it’s never super malicious. They’re both pudgy little tabby kitties and I love them very much. They’re warming up to Alyssa and I as well. Alyssa is staying with me for the mean tie but she’ll be back on campus once the semester starts. This isn’t a life update for me I suppose, but she’s changing her major to art and I’m really excited for her. She’s been making her own journal for a bit since we moved in here, a really interesting process. I think being in a more creative field will suit her. <3 Also there’s more plants here! Two different spider plants (which I’m not a fan of but they’re just too dang easy to maintain so I haven’t let them die.) a devil’s ivy that almost didn’t make it, another devil’s ivy that I rescued from Mansfield, (His name is Javiere and he is my adopted son) and a few more other weird things I don’t exactly know how to water yet. Additionally, mom brought up a bunch of flowers for outside, and all of them are good, except for a little yellow plant that the deer ate :c Some of my goals include finishing up the organization and renovation at Nana’s. Mostly its sorting through her things and being able to integrate my own. I also need to confirm a permanent job. My housekeeping positon with the Farm Sanctuary is seasonal but they’d likely want me back next season. (Everyone seems to like me and I really like all of them too.) I’ve talked with my boss about transferring to a different job stil in the sanctuary during the off season and she said she’d talk to the HR department. In the mean time she encouraged me to apply to other jobs I saw listed, so I need to get on that. What else? Well, a bunch of my family was in town for my mom’s birthday, it was good to see everyone, especially my cousin from Georgia who is an absolute delight. We got to host DnD at my new house once and it was really cool. We did however buy a lot of eggs in an attempt to feed everyone next time, and then we never played over here again... oh! And I’m getting closer to being able to DM my own DnD game. I’m really nervous about combat and need to do more research so my players actually enjoy themselves, but other than that I’m almost ready <3 So yeah, I think that’s it right now! Sorry I took so long to update. There was a time where it just felt like I wasn’t moving, and I was a bit discouraged. I didn’t really want to reflect that in the updates. I’m feeling like I’m really heading somewhere again, and I’m so excited to see where that place is. 

[technical-adulting]

Short Haitus

Hey, not much has been changing other than working on Nana’s house, so I’m going to be taking a break from updating here. Things have been chaotic and I’m trying really hard to find a job. So maybe when things settle down I’ll be able to document all my goals a little better. See you eventually. <3

[technical-adulting]

Hi April!

Coming in about a week late with this one but given how late my update for March was, I think it's okay. Hopefully, I'll be totally back on track in May. 🙂 In all honesty, March sucked. The money I was making doing house-sitting jobs and the like has finally run out and let me tell you what, I am not used to being broke. Although I did get to make a few trips, and even went to ToraCon for the first time (I wasn't in cosplay), overall it was kinda an exhausting time, and I'm ready to brush it behind me and look towards a brighter future. I haven't had a lot of luck with job searching in the area, but the issue is that I don't exactly know what I want to do. Originally, I wanted to work on Nana's place and get a job out there, making that the homestead. Its super pretty out there, really close to Watkins Glen, and in general just a really nice spot to live. (Also the mortgage is paid and we can't sell it for three years.) Its the perfect opportunity, but it needs a whole lot of work. May will make it a year since my Nana passed. Perhaps this gap we've had was what we needed. Maybe now that it's been a whole year we'll be able to work on it without getting bogged down with all the sadness. We're gonna miss her no matter what, but I don't want to let her place and her things just rot up there. I want, more than anything else, to give that home new life. I love that place and I'm not okay with letting it go.

So mom and I have been talking and for the summer, I'm going to look for a job in that area. Maybe one (or more) wineries would be interested in taking me, or maybe I could help out at Raven's Landing. (They offered me a potential job recording their psychic reading sessions in the past) Watkins has lots of job opportunities, and it would get me out of the house. It would also take me a bit of a distance from my friends, but if I have money for gas, I'm still willing to go down there once or twice a week. (And for the summer, maybe stealing one of them to stay with me)

No more progress on my room here. The reality of it is that there is just not enough space for all my stuff (Another reason why moving to Nana's place is a good idea.) The room is functional, but my desk leaves something to be desired. Perhaps once the move gets underway I graduate to a desk with drawers in it, rather than this table that I got for free when one of the cheap hotels in the area remodeled. In it's defense, its a very nice table and has served me very well, but it's absolutely a table, not a desk.

My DnD group is still going strong with the podcast, we have three sessions recorded now, and I have finished editing the first one. I think we are going to need to sit down though and really talk about what type of story we want to tell. We might end up starting over, if we all take the time to listen and evaluate the work we put in. I think we still have potential, we just need to be in better agreement about what our themes and ideals are for the story we are making. I haven't really worked on Divine Pacts in a while either. I have the first episode of that almost complete, but I'm missing one of the aux characters and a good opening theme that doesn't suck, so that will take some time. A lot of my free time has been spent making videos at church, working with their team there, and I've really enjoyed it. It's not something I can commit all my time to, but I'm definitely learning new skills that will help me, and being able to do that with my church family is really cool!

The medicine I'm on for my PCOS has caused my eating habits to be a little more iffy, it's really thrown off my stomach, but on the bright side, I've started losing weight. I've struggled with my body image for a long time - disliking being out of shape, and sometimes using not the greatest methods to fix that. I don't know if the fact that my stomach is off is the best method to help me lose weight, but it is making me more thoughtful about what I do eat, and my portions, so maybe it is a good thing. In any case, it's giving me the confidence boost I'm going to need to start going through my clothing. If I start renovating Nana's place, I'll obviously be moving my stuff in, so there will be some built-in clearing out of my belongings in the mean time anyways, which might also make it an easier feat. I just have... so many t-shirts. A really unnecessary number of t-shirts. For real. I also finally got a new band for my fitbit, so that's mack in action. Now I just need to commit to exercising at least once a day and meeting certain activity goals. I know I'm heading in the right direction regardless.

I haven't produced any more music but there's a new Mariana's Trench album out and I'm getting some very good ideas for some covers. And Camp Nanowrimo is happening this month, so I've been taking some time to set a writing goal for myself and finally type out my novel that I wrote... two summers ago? It wrote it all on lined paper, so I need to make it a word document before I can do anything else with it. I'm trying not to spend too much time editing it, but that's the struggle with being as critical of a writer as I can be. I've had a million iterations of this story swimming around in my mind for literally a decade. Putting it down, making it real, I want it to be everything that's made it important in my mind. That was a little flowery, but you get the idea. Its gonna be a real process.

I'm optimistic. I could argue that I have to be, that I need to look up and out and not dwell on where I'm at. But I mean it when I say it. Things will move where they need to move and I need to keep moving too, faithfully in whatever direction I am being lead. I think that staying in Watkins could give me breathing room, could give me a clear and current purpose. I think it would be good, and I could really get used to it. I'm optimistic. I'm growing, and it's finally spring!

[technical-adulting]

It sure has been a March...

Well, as I'm sure you've noticed, I missed my monthly update and I'm... well, about 18 days late. It's been a hectic month, to say the least, and my ability to stick to my self-scheduled plans has been iffy, but I'm getting back on track. I think I get a little bit seasonal during the winter season, because the last week of February and first week of March were absolutely exhausting to me. I had zero energy and was really struggling to get the things done around the house and in general that I needed to do. Then, my mom and I went to California to visit and help out my uncle, and that was a whole week where I obviously didn't have much time to work on outside projects. I did get some very nice pictures while I was out there thought, and saw the Winchester Mystery House!

We went to Twentynine Palms a few years back, but we only stayed in the area, dedicated to helping and cleaning that time too. Also, I got sick the moment we got there, so it wasn't a super fun trip. This time we were there longer, and we tried our best to do fun things and explore a bit more, because it's a real morale booster when you're overhauling a house. We got to go to the living desert, and all the way up to San Jose, which is a 7 hour trip from the little area of the desert we were in. It was absolutely beautiful out there, and although it's probably just a pipe dream, I really feel like I could enjoy living out there some day. Of course, I have some much more reasonable goals right now that I'm really trying to get a move on, so I'll just leave that on the back burners and try to convince those I love to come adventure with me again some time soon.

So mom and I still haven't started working on Nana's place, but now that the weather is getting nicer and spring is oh so very close (I can hear the birds, but everything still looks so dead and brown :c) I think that we'll have more opportunities to do so. I'm also actively looking for a job, and was given the suggestion that I should try out the banks, especially since there is a Community Bank in Watkins (closer to where I plan to eventually live). I already put in an application for the phone service at CCU and I'm going to apply for a teller position as well!

My room has reached a state where both sides are functional, although I do still have a few boxes against the back wall I need to go through. My group from Mansfield finally started recording our DnD podcast, so we meet (Mostly bi-weekly) in my room and record, since I have all the professional gear. Mom said she was going to clear out a filing cabinet for me, but that seems to have become a goal by the wayside, since we've been so busy. Most of the remaining stuff is books, and I should really do some spring cleaning with my clothing, but that's always a pain and I don't really want to sit up in my room all day and discover just how many pairs of pants and shorts don't fit anymore. (I get a little stressed about my body image when that happens...) I have only produced one more song, it's on soundcloud. I wasn't sure I wanted to release it everywhere because it's just kinda acoustic and quickly written. Not that I think it's bad, obviously I wouldn't have posted it, haha. Just... I suppose the content itself, which I feel as a deep part of me, is also something that gives me some anxiety at times, as far as publicity goes. It's linked below, nonetheless. [Check that out here]

I'm officially part of the leadership team at my church, but of course, right after I finished the course, I had to go to Cali. So I'm trying my best to re-integrate myself and do the most I can while not putting some of the other pressing things I need to take care of on hold. My audio-drama needs some work soon as well, though there was a holdup with my last actress and I haven't heard from her since, so I suppose I'll need to work on that...

As for my health - I'm on the highest dosage of metformin now, and the birth control seems to be effective in fixing some of the complications of my PCOS. I'm a little concerned, however, that my doctor thinks that the PCOS was caused by my weight. Of course, I am definitely overweight, but not by a lot, and the weight gain has been more recent. (Although I'm kinda muscular and have been a bit above average for a while, I didn't have hardly any tummy flab until my late teens.) She's primarily concerned with making sure my sugar stays low and that I lose weight. Hopefully with spring on the horizon I will be able to work out more often, and get a step up on my cardio, but the band for my fitbit broke, and I don't have any money to replace it as of yet. (Luckily I got a pretty decent tax return, so that should give me a little breathing room while I officially get a new job.) I'm going to look into planning meals with my mom. Thursday night or something we'll sit down and make a plan for the next week. If the doctor says that weight loss should be my primary goal, I might as well give it a good go before really arguing it's contribution to my other issues.

My sleep schedule is thoroughly messed up, but these last two days I've had to be up early for appointments, so at least I've got that. That should help me revert from Cali time, which fit in really nicely with my usual New York sleep schedule. I've re-organized how I sort my time again, just by doubling the amount of time I'll spend on each thing. It seems going in hourly sections works much better than in half hour ones. I'm tired, it's been a rough month so far, but I'm trying to get back into the swing of things. I'm trying to make sure that the stuff I dedicate time to is worth doing. The sun is returning, spring is so close I can only hope that I have a greater sense of hope as it draws near. I'm just so tired all the time. I'd love to feel rested for once.

[technical-adulting]

Hello February!

Well, February is here! I’d say my first month of 2019 was eventful, though I had a lot less work to do. Sometimes getting a break is good, but I know I have a lot of goals for February that I need to put into motion. First, I’m going to review some of the stuff I wanted for January. I haven't started renovating Nana's place yet, but I've made a lot of progress in my bedroom. Both sides of the room are more or less functional now, and they stay tidy longer. I've never been good at keeping my room tidy. I'm not gross, but clothes end up on the ground, books and papers and craft supplies get strung around, ect. so being able to see the floor all the time is progress! I'm going to start talking to mom about times we can head up and start working on Nana's place. I've been working more on creating content. I released a song on bandcamp, soundcloud, and youtube. No one has bought any of the songs on bandcamp, but hey, it's a start. One of my goals is to produce a full album of music by the end of the year. I've also been working on the production team at my church, and I've been given some awesome opportunities to create content for church promos and such. I'm very happy to commit my time to that, though I worry that if I get another job it will hinder the time I have to dedicate in that direction. I re-wrote the first section of the podcast I've been trying to create, and we are planning to record soon! I have all the professional equipment that I need for that now, and my friends are happy to dedicate their time to it, which really warms me ❤️ I've also been drawing a bit more! I have posted a few digital pieces I've made, though I would like to get better at adding depth to my colors, working with textures and such. I've definitely gotten better though, and understand photoshop as an art tool much more than I used to!

(I’ve also gotten to play a bit of dnd, if the content of my art isn’t an inclination.)

I haven't really made a lot of progress in the health department as of yet. I am trying to integrate exercise into my schedule, and have purposefully exercised... a few times. I know I need to make it a habit if I want it to stick, but I haven't found a good place in the day for it to fit yet. I probably need to schedule it in, and just say it will happen at this time of day every day or something. I have gone to a doctors appointment in a new network, as I felt ignored in the network I used to go to. My doctor has determined that I likely have PCOS or some other hormonal disorder. I show a lot of the signs for PCOS but apparently my blood test came back within normal ranges. I will know more after my next appointment, which had to be postponed for an impromptu trip to Georgia, as my aunt passed away.

I'm definitely not doing as well with my sleep schedule either. I'm slipping back into getting up around 9:30 and I want to move that back to at least 8:30. I'm going to try much harder to force myself into a standard wake up time, and I need to be better at cataloging what I eat. Sometimes I'm just so busy, it feels like it makes finding food so much harder. If there was more healthy food in the house though, I'd have more options. I'm going to work with my mom on that, too. All in all, I think January was a month of getting my bearings. I found a new way to organize how much time I spend on different tasks, and re-organized the priority level I put on the different things I do. It seems to be working much better and I don't waste nearly as much time. It doesn't really work when I am out of the house, however, so I might make some tweaks to it in order to organize my time even better. The top priority for this month is to find myself a stable income. It doesn't have to be a lot, but it needs to be constant. I might pick up a minimum-wage part time somewhere, although the disappointment I feel not heading directly into a degree-based position is definitely there. The issue is that with my future living situation possibly up in the air, I don't want to work too far away. I also don't want to leave Hope Church though. So we'll see, I suppose. I might end up staying in my hometown area, at least.

[technical-adulting]

New Years Update!

Well, this is the first year in which school is no longer my top priority, and that is very strange for me. It’s a gigantic transition away from literally the main thing I have done for nearly 20 years. So I’m trying to reassess what’s important to me, what I want to spend the most time on, and I do have some ideas. I have a few year goals - I’m going to be living independently by the end of this year. I have the opportunity to truly do so by renovating and moving into my Nana’s place, and I’m excited by that possibility.

I also want to get back into creating content, but I need to find the right source of income that gives me my first goal, without destroying my second. This is a difficult balance. I understand that my goal to be a content creator isn’t something that I will likely get paid to do, at least not immediately. That means I need a job that allows me time to pursue this ‘hobby’, although hobby isn’t the right word, as it’s really my overall passion, and the endgame goal is to be able to spend all my time on it. This stuff isn’t going to be easy. There are a lot of factors - things I need to become truly independent, family issues or other just general unforseen issues... you get it. And above all else there is the struggle to justify how I spend my time, an issue that I have become very aware of more recently as I began to focus more on the things my day commonly consists of. Another important goal is to become more healthy. I have grown a lot while at school in regards to my mental health - something that will never be perfect and that I will always have to be mindful of. But my physical health needs to improve as well. I’m not sickly, but I’m not in great shape. I could really stand to lose some weight, improve my diet, and commit myself to a better sleep schedule. Although I have been doing a great job of getting up earlier (something that just gets easier with age, really), I need to go to bed earlier as well and try to actually get 7 hours of sleep. Listen, regardless of what people say, you really do perform better when you’re well rested. I know that half of my health habits stem from overwhelming exhaustion that I’ve allowed to be a permanent way of being. I really want to improve my energy levels so I’m not exhausted all the time. This is only the first week. I know what my goals are and I know what I’m trying to do to reach them. I know that I need to make time for the things that are important and treat my body with respect, so that it can do the things I’m asking of it. Overall, I know that I have goals and dreams and I want to live a life pleasing to God, one that is full of joy and brings hope to those around me, so I need to improve, I need to love myself enough to get better so my goals are achievable, and I absolutely will.

[technical-adulting]

Writing

I’ve been getting back into working on some of my stories again, but I’m not sure I have a good forum to post them on. Of course DeviantArt still exists but I don’t feel like that’s the best place... I’m trying to debate on if I want to make another blog to put them on. I used to have one but no one ever read any of the stuff I posted so I eventually deleted it. Should I make another blog dedicated to my writing? Or just keep annoying my friends trying to get them to give me feedback? ;-;

[technical-adulting]

No More Classes

So, I finished my last semester of classes. It would have been my last semester all together, but I changed my major late in the game and couldn’t fit my internship in. That’ll be completed this coming fall semester, and then I will have completed my bachelors degree. It was bittersweet saying goodbye to a lot of the friends I’d entered college with, feeling like they’re moving on ahead of me, but I’m proud of them, and won’t let my own work stagnate. I’ll meet them there eventually. A few of my fellow students seemed surprised that I’m stopping there, but of course, just because my current plan doesn’t involve more school, that doesn’t mean I’m done forever. We never know exactly what direction life is leading us in. I wanted to post this update, but now find myself at a bit of a loss. Currently, I’m at my parent’s home, preparing to move back, as my internship will be in Corning, and it makes the most sense. At the same time, I want to live on my own. I keep telling myself I can be patient, and that I can make it. I’m afraid of growing stagnant though. Sometimes I suddenly am hit with how drastically my life has changed in the past year, and feel like I’ve gotten whiplash from it. I am so happy my life is changing, but also, the path ahead is new territory, I don’t feel as sure in my steps, and although my faith supports me, it’s like being walked into a room blindfolded. Everything ahead is a surprise, and I’m just praying it’s a good one. My current plan is to stay with my parents through my internship, and save money for a few endeavors. I need a new car - mine’s kinda beat, and although she’s served me well and I’ll probably cry when I have to let her go, I need something a little more reliable, and honestly, I need something with real brakes. ^^;. Then, I want to save up for a horn. This is an expensive endeavor as well, and trying to find one that is reliable is a little harder than finding a car, because I am less familiar with playing on different ones. In these four years at Mansfield, one of the things that I certainly have improved on, more than anything else, is my ability to perform as a musician. I am by no means an expert, but I take extreme pride in the work I have committed, and I can’t just let it go to waste because I am not financially sound enough to continue. Music should not be something reserved for those with money. I am a decent horn player, and I want to continue to be one. Finally, I’m going to start hunting for apartments. A one bedroom is all I need. I want a place to sleep, entertain a few friends, feed myself, and house some plants and a pet or two. I don’t need anything spectacular, I just need it to be mine. I need to prove to myself that I can provide for me without any help. Not being in school will give me a lot more time to work and therefore save up for such things. I have a lot of goals and plans. I want to write, to make podcasts, to make soap, to compose music. I want a creative space. I also want a place that I’m responsible for. I know that one of the first things I need to do for myself is even out my sleeping schedule, and perhaps work on my eating habits as well. All these things that seemed so meaningless when I was struggling under school deadlines now seem like baffling challenges I’d not realized I’d need to pay attention to. All in all, my goals at this point in time might not seem like a big deal, but I want to go at them alone, and I know that that will be where the challenge lies. I just need to prove to myself that I am self-sustaining. I made it through school by putting a lot of my personal needs on hold. Now’s the time to develop myself. I’m excited for this transition, but also scared. I know that things will fall into place as I go, but in this moment, it feels like a waiting game. Like the opening song in Rapunzel, I’m waiting for when my life will begin. But when it does, I believe it will be bright, and full of opportunities. Wish me luck. <3