in this room where you sleep | epilogue
ooc; So, no words can really describe how I'm feeling about this right now, because this really hurt to write. But it was a good run with Tegan, and while I'm sad to send her off ...you gotta do what you gotta do. I have to give a huge thanks to Sha , because without her I couldn't have done this, at all. So, thank you pal. I'm sorry I dragged you through the heartache of this with me. Also, before I end this really long ooc note, I just want to apologize if parts of this make little sense, as you can imagine Sha and I were really worked up writing this and we kinda just...we rolled with it.
trigger warning; death, cancer, feels
Caleb paced back and forth inside the house; he was nervous, nervous about Tegan's health and he needed guidance. With the phone pressed to his ear, Caleb waited anxiously for Steph to answer. He couldn't help but call the woman, especially as he watched Tegan outside carefully-- He knew her health was deteriorating and now that she was home, he had a feeling that it wouldn't be long until she let go. He held his gaze out the glass door, watching carefully to make sure that she was still breathing, but was still insanely impatient, just waiting for Steph to answer her phone.
Steph was seated at some bar she wasn't even sure the name of, nursing a shot glass in front of her. A vibration pulling her out of her focus, she glanced momentarily at the screen. "Dammit kid." she muttered, reaching over. Before she answered she downed the shot, wincing as the liquid slid down her throat while she answered. "Delmonico."
Caleb almost jumped upon hearing Steph's voice. "Steph! It's me, Caleb! Oh shit, you probably knew that, fuck.." he mumbled, shaking his head as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "It's um.. I.. Tegan.. we're at her parent's place in Seattle..." he stated, "She's sitting outside at the moment but I think this is.. I think this is it.." he admitted with a pained intake of breath. "What do I do, Steph?"
Steph almost laughed, almost. "I did, thank the magic of caller identification. Okay, so you made it to Washington, which means I'm not sitting in a bar in....oh fuck, Portland, Oregon, for nothing." Steph went quiet, breathing in a sigh. "I've asked myself that question with the many close calls she's had the last week. Honestly, Caleb? All you can do is sit there, hold her hand, or hold her, something of that sort, and let her know it's okay to let go." the words pained her to say, but Steph knew she had to force them out anyway. "She went downhill so fast...all she wanted was to go home. Now that she's there, this...all you can do is be there. That's probably all she wants now."
Caleb nodded, letting out a shaky breath. "I don't want her to go, Steph... this would be the.. the third one to leave me.. I don't.." he paused, no longer trusting his voice as it had cracked in the last part of his sentence. "I... Okay, I can do that.. I can do this and not cry about it.. shit.." he said, trying to assure himself more than Steph that he was strong enough to handle this.
Steph bit her lip. "That makes two of us, kid." she whispered. "No, no, Caleb, no. You can't do that to her. She's going to know if you're hiding your tears, and you and I both know she'll use every ounce of energy she has left to smack the shit out of you if you do."
Caleb whimpered. "I don't want the last image she ever saw of me to be one crying..." he whispered, sniffling.
Steph sighed. "Could be worse. Her last image could be of you drunk." she shrugged. "Your tears show you, and her, she's loved. Her parents certainly won't hold back. You shouldn't either."
Caleb nodded. "I guess you're right.." he sighed, "Did you want to talk to her at all? Or are you going to try and come here and see her?" he asked, biting his lip although he was sure he knew the answer.
Steph couldn't help but smile a bit. "I usually am. At least when it comes to her." Sighing again, she shook her head, even though she knew he couldn't see her. "No...no. This is time for you and her parents. Me...I've got some demons to battle out. Might as well battle 'em far away from home."
Caleb nodded again. "Alright.. well, I'll let her know we talked.. anything you want me to mention to her?" he asked softly, fiddling with the sleeve of his shirt.
"No..." Steph murmured so soft it was almost a whisper.
Caleb waited. "Are you sure?"
Steph sighed. "Positive. Go be with your girl."
Caleb nodded. "Alright. I'll um.. I'll.. call you, when... if it happens." he said.
Steph gave a nod of her own. "Don't worry about rushing it...her dad promised to text me a time...when it happens, so I can handle all the legal bullshit she's leaving me with."
Caleb nodded again. "Alright.. I better go.. she wanted to sit outside with me for a bit..." he said, clearing his throat quickly before sighing. "Okay, I'll uh, I'll talk to you soon." he sighed before bringing the phone away from his ear and ending the call. He shoved his phone back in his pocket before making his way outside, being sure to grab a second blanket from a nearby chair on his way out.
Tegan had woken up sometime in the middle of Caleb's phone call, but made no move to let that be known. It took too much energy to breathe, let alone move. She was far more content to just sit there and overlook the Seattle skyline, taking it in one last time.
Caleb closed the door behind him as he made his way around to the chair next to Tegan. "Hi gorgeous, I didn't know you woke up.." he said softly, sitting down and wrapping the blanket around them both, even though it was warm enough to be without them, he wasn't going to risk Tegan being cold.
Tegan let out a sigh, giving a small shrug. "Too much energy...to call out loud enough." she hoped he knew there was more to that sentence, that she was just too tired to finish her sentence. Whether that was from the inevitable that was sure to happen, or just from the fact she had recently woken, she still wasn't sure.
Caleb nodded, he understood. "It's okay, it's better that you got to look around, take it all in..." he whispered, wrapping an arm around her as he pressed a gentle kiss to the top of her head. "It's beautiful here... just like you..."
Tegan rested her head against his shoulder, giving the slightest of nods, her eyes scanning their surroundings for what had to be the hundredth time. "It's home." she whispered. "It's...it's just like I remember."
Caleb smiled softly, "I'm glad you got to be here though, and I'm glad I get to be here with you..." he whispered, sniffling a little as he used his other hand to wipe the tears from his eyes. It was a bittersweet moment for them both, there was no doubt about it.
Tegan let a small smile grace her features. "I knew...I knew Steph would come through." she said quietly, taking his hand into her own, letting out a breath. "She always does."
Caleb gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "It's a shame she couldn't come out here though.. she might've loved this.." he whispered, before turning to her, pressing another kiss to the top of her head. "I love you.."
Tegan mustered up all her energy to let out a soft laugh. "Steph and nature...don't mix." she murmured. "That's like...mix...mixing fire and...gasoline. Only worse." Her gaze flicked up to him. "I love you too...I'm...I'm sorry, that..."
Caleb took a sharp breath, "Shh, it's okay.. don't.. don't apologise.." he whispered, trying his best to keep calm. She was getting weaker, he could see it, he could feel, hell, he could even hear it. "I love you, you love me.. that's all that matters, right? Because I love you so much, Tegan.. so, so much.. words can not describe the way I feel for you...I love you..."
Tegan shook her head. "Shut up...lemme do this." she muttered. She had to do this now. She couldn't not do this now, lest she regret it for the rest of her time, no matter how short it may be. "I love you, you big idiot....I...everything about you. Your smile....your eyes...every little...every little thing about you. I'm...if I could...if I could change every...single..." she stopped, taking in the biggest breath she could manage. "Every single thing about this...I would. But I can't...and...it has to end like this...and it...it shouldn't. But it will...and I'm sorry."
Caleb pressed his lips together, staying quiet as he listened to her speak. Tears welled in his eyes, he had a feeling this was supposed to be her goodbye speech that he often heard in movies. He squeezed his eyes shut and sniffled again, "I love you, I love you, I love you.." he whispered, leaning down and pressing a kiss to her lips. "I and love and you.." he said between a few more pecks. "God, I love you..." he whispered, pressing another kiss to her temple.
Tegan knew it was a shitty goodbye speech if she ever did hear one, but with what she had, it was the best she could do. Feeling his lips against hers, she struggled to lock in that memory, wanting the last thing on her mind when her final breath came to be the way his lips felt against hers. Slowly she removed her hand from his, bringing it up to his face, caressing his cheek before tiredly tangling her fingers in his hair. She wasn't able to hide the tears that had begun to slip from her eyes, and she didn't want to.
Caleb took the opportunity to wipe the tears that were falling from her eyes, ignoring the ones that were falling from her own. "When I said I'd like to feel like Hazel Grace sometimes, I didn't mean this part of the book.." Caleb joked, smiling sadly as he looked over Tegan's frail, almost gaunt face. Though she looked incredibly ill, she was still the most beautiful girl he had seen since Ariana. "I love you, Tegan Shay. You fought a hard battle.." he smiled, still wiping tears from her face as he spoke.
Tegan laughed, shaking her head before resting it against his chest. "You can't just...pick and choose. You get one part...you get it all." she was joking, of course. Because she didn't want them to hit this part of the book either. "You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world. But you do have some say in who hurts you....I like my choices." she whispered.
Caleb whimpered, almost at the words that had left her mouth. "You gave me forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful." he quoted sadly, holding her hand just a little bit tighter as a bubble formed in the back of his throat. His breathing was becoming more and more rapid, knowing that the worst was slowly drawing near and even held onto her just that little but tighter. "I like your choices too, sweetheart." he whispered
Tegan almost found the entire scene comical. Never had she imagined her final moments being spent quoting a book. But she wouldn't change these moments for the world. This was their thing...their time. They'd spent so many moments quoting this very book to each other, and doing it now, at the end, made it all the more meaningful. "I've got pretty good choices." she whispered out between breaths. As his breathing quickened, hers slowed. "You are going to live a good and long life filled with great and terrible moments that you cannot even imagine yet." she whispered, leaning up to kiss him gently.
Caleb shook his head, hearing the way her breathing was beginning to slow down. From the book, Caleb knew that Hazel wasn't there when Augustus died, this was something different. The book hadn't prepared him for anything like this. "I don't know what kind of world I want to live in if you aren't there with me.." he whispered, leaning down and desperately pressing his lips to hers. "I love you, okay? I love you so much.."
Tegan wasn't sure what death was supposed to feel like, but she knew this feeling like she was fading, like she was losing a grip on her body, had to be it. This had to be the end. With her fingers still tangled in his hair, she pulled his head down a little closer, using her remaining energy to kiss him for what she hoped was a good and long time. It felt like it to her, anyway. "It's a good life." she sighed. Again her head found a place against his chest, and she let herself focus on his heartbeat. Slower and slower her breathing became, but she didn't try to fight it. She felt safe here; dying in Caleb's arms. She couldn't imagine going any other way.
Caleb said nothing more as he held Tegan, crying softly, saving the pained sobs that were welling for when she couldn't hear them anymore. "Okay?" Caleb whispered softly for only Tegan to hear, knowing that she didn't have very long left now at all.
Tegan smiled a small smile, letting out one more sigh. "Okay." Tegan whispered softly, feeling whatever grip she had loosen completely. Her eyes slipped closed, and she took one more breath in this time. One beat skipped, then another, but a breath never came back out.
Caleb held his breath, listening carefully for something he knew wouldn't come. His eyes watered again as a fresh flood of tears fell from his eyes, and as he held the woman in his arms, Caleb let out a sob he had held in for a while. He could feel his heart break, knowing that she was gone. He glanced over his shoulder and saw Tegan's parents. With a gentle shake of his head, he went back to holding Tegan tightly, crying tears he hadn't cried since he had lost Ariana.
