me: Hello, I am wearing this ruby red hat because I don’t like the way that my hair looks. Now listen guys, looking the way that I look and sounding the way that I sound, I don’t really get along with boys my age, as you can probably guess, my male peers are not huge fans of what I’ve got going on here. And I’ve brought this up before, sometimes it’ll be as simple as a word that they yell at me from their vehicles, sometimes they’ll express this to me by a face they make at me as we’re walking past each other on the sidewalk, something like pfft or ugh, which kinda just says something like, look, I don’t have time to get into the specifics right now, but I want you to know, Sir, that I’m not okay with this. Now, the reason I bring this up is because something happened, um...I was threatened recently. Not on the internet, surprisingly enough, but on the phone! I received a personal phone call from a young man, and I won’t get into the exact reason for the call, but I will say that I didn’t actually do anything wrong, and men are fucking psychopaths. Now, it happened very quickly, I don’t really remember exactly everything he said, it was mostly just a very detailed description of how he was going to violently beat me if he ever saw me...which, by the way, is an interesting point I’d like to bring up, I do remember his phrasing on that. It was if I ever see you, not I’m gonna come and find you, he’s not gonna seek me out, he’s not driving over, he’s not going to invest gas money into this assault. But just if we happen to run into each other at a place, he’ll do what he has to do, anywhere, I assume: grocery store, pasta aisle, he’ll most likely abandon a full cart...let’s do this. I mean, aquarium, fuck this octopus, I’ve got an ass to kick! He’s walking out of the movie theater with a hot date, he spots me at the concessions purchasing some buttered expensive popcorn, he turns to his lady, and be like, “I am so sorry, this is super embarrassing, I had a blast tonight, this movie was the bomb, Channing Tatum is a force to be reckoned with, but there’s a young man over here and I promised I would stomp his head into the ground if I ever saw him in public, and voila, there he is! So you are free to watch, you can also leave, you can take a taxi, I will reimburse your fare via paypal…” (Deep breath) Anyway, I’m getting off topic here. The phone call: he talked for about a minute but not a lot was said, you know, it was one of those where it was just like a variation of the sentence, “I’m going to kick your fucking ass,” over and over, and just different ways of saying that, with a few, “You faggot!” and “High-pitched voice motherfucker,” thrown in for good measure, something about my nose, I’m not really sure. But there was one thing he said, one thing this man said to me on the phone that I still am trying to figure out and wrap my brain around to this day. And I’m going to say it to you right now, this man said to me on the phone, drum-roll-please (knock knock) I’m going to shove a log up your ass. Now I’m gonna repeat that, I’m going to shove a log up your ass. Take it in. I still am. I mean there are so many things I have to say about this. I don’t know where to start, first of all, a log. Not a stick, certainly not a twig, not even a goddamn branch but a log. Logs are big. I’m sure you’re familiar with logs, audience. Logs take three to four large muscular men to transport from place to place. They’re often times used as seating, I’ve taken a hike before and eaten a sandwich on a log with multiple pals, I drew a picture of a log here if you forget what they look like. (Brandishing paper) My butthole is nowhere near ready for log entry. My poor little lonely asshole is, I dunno, maybe one tenth of an inch wide while the ending of a log, the diameter here is, I dunno, maybe two fucking feet? At this point in time if you tried to shove a log up my ass you’d more or less just be hitting my entire ass with a log. And I don’t think this is what this guy wants, I think he wants to go for full log penetration and he knows what he wants and that’s what I’ve always loved about him. And look, how we’re going to get this log in, I’m not really sure, I’m not even sure that he knows, because sometimes all you have is a dream. And maybe the journey is still cooking up in the oven, I mean obviously he’d have to do a lot of work on my butthole. I mean we’d start off small, obviously, maybe a few fingers, move our way on up the dildo train, maybe at some point introduce some sort of tube instrument, I mean do we have a budget, that can’t be cheap I mean, he’d be shoving a lot things up my ass before we made our way to log. And let’s not forget, this all started with him calling me a faggot, thing about that for a second, I mean this would take some time. I’m not a scientist but honestly, stretching my lonely little butthole enough for a full on log shove couldn’t take less than, I dunno, a year and a half. And even with that estimate he’d have to be working me day and night. I mean, are we gonna move in together, probably, I can’t imagine why we wouldn’t. This isn’t something that you can just take breaks with willy-nilly. Butthole stretching is very similar to ear piercing, if you don’t commit, you take a month off, that thing will pfft, close right back up, you’ll be back to square one. So if we’re gonna do this, (Slams fist on table) we have to fucking do this! Okay? I mean, are we gonna be talking as he gets me ready, I mean, I know the man, and I’ve had our disagreements, but at a certain point, maybe hour forty-seven of butthole log prepare, you’ve gotta start conversing. I mean, maybe we’ll develop a friendship, maybe we’ll grow close to one another, maybe he’ll love me! Maybe he’ll change his mind and say, “I don’t think you deserve a...a log in your butthole as I so strongly believed in the first place.” And I’ll look him right in the eyes and I’ll say, “Buddy, no, we have come too far to back down at this point.” And don’t mistake my persistence for an actual excitement of the idea of a log in my ass, I am just a firm believer in the philosophy of not giving up I mean, this thing is not going to be easy. Let’s not completely get caught up in just the preparation, I mean, how long does the log stay in? Forever? When you hear someone say, “I’m gonna shove a log up your ass,” you can’t imagine they’re going to help you remove it. I mean, is that just my thing now? It’s not an in and out situation. Am I just stuck with it, do I just walk around with this log in my ass for the rest of my life? Do I just become that guy, does my family lose respect for me when I show up for a Thanksgiving dinner, does everyone try their hardest not to bring up the elephant in the room, or more specifically, the log in my fucking ass. I mean, oh my god, what is this, will I ever have a healthy relationship again? Will this log just take over my life, will I just become the shell of a man? This isn’t fair and don’t even get me started on splinters! Anyway um, remember to share this video with your friends, because it may very well get me killed, and I’d like to get some views and leave some money for my family, so. Buh-bye!
