The Force Shall Free Me

Female | 24 | Cosplayer | All around nerd | You'll find star wars, comics, video games here

[cosplayblog]

Shae Vizla from Star Wars: The Old Republic

Cosplayer/Photographer: Nebulaluben [WW | FB | DA]

[terentatek]

I need to see a doctor but I still owe my neurologist three grand so Im not going to :/ It's all because of how my insurance works. The office submits a claim. Insurance rejects it. Insurance sends my mom the reimbursement money, them my mom pays my bill with that money. The problem is they sent my mom that money and in nine months of calling them she has not been able to reach the billing department once. Nor will she give me the money to pay them. So idk what to do. My body is falling apart. I go unconscious from pain ar least twice a month. I have less than a month of my meds left with no refills. Including my antidepressant which I can't quit taking because 1. I have a physical dependence on it and will have withdrawals if I quit cold turkey 2. It keeps my migraine from getting to the point that I can't see or walk without limping. 3. It only works if I take it every day I can't afford the deductible on my employers insurance, so I have to use my mom's insurance because of that. I just want this migraine to end. I've had it for 14 months now.

[terentatek]

-sit by new people at work -excited to have the chance to start over and sit by people who don't know that I'm a nervous wreck and have panic attacks -have panic attack four hours into shift. -try and play it cool by saying"don't worry this happens all the time I'll be alright" like that doesn't make me sound crazy To be fair though this was after being yelled at five times and I had a person yelling, cussing at me, and telling me they want to speak to my supervisor to tell them what a fucking retard I am because I froze up for a few seconds while being yelled at. And of course after being told I'm retarded for freezing a few seconds in a hostile situation anxiety just kept spiraling out of control from there.

[terentatek]

-sit by new people at work -excited to have the chance to start over and sit by people who don't know that I'm a nervous wreck and have panic attacks -have panic attack four hours into shift. -try and play it cool by saying"don't worry this happens all the time I'll be alright" like that doesn't make me sound crazy To be fair though this was after being yelled at five times and I had a person yelling, cussing at me, and telling me they want to speak to my supervisor to tell them what a fucking retard I am because I froze up for a few seconds while being yelled at. And of course after being told I'm retarded for freezing a few seconds in a hostile situation anxiety just kept spiraling out of control from there.

[terentatek]

So I did it, I made it through the call center nightmare long enough, and pretended to be a people person who doesn't have panic attacks from just talking on the phone long enough to transfer to another department that I'm much more suited for. For the first time in my life I'm going to have a job that isn't customer service. And I'm sure dealing with less angry people each day will really help me while working on being anxious.

[terentatek]

Apparently one of the potential side effects from xanax and gabapentin interacting are hallucinations. That would explain why there was a minute this morning where everything looked like it was covered on zeros, despite my dose of xanax being lowered to .25 Mg. As long as I can tell that I'm hallucinating, and there are no auditory hallucinations it doesn't really bother me though.

[terentatek]

So I have completely lost my voice and can't work until I can talk again, given that I have to talk on the phone at least eight hours a day for my job. On one hand I am enjoying the extra time to sculpt. On the other hand I might loose my bonus due to something completely out of my control and that sucks. Especially since I had to go home last week after I passed out from pain.

[gorbachops]

[terentatek]

Mental health post, if reading about eating disorders bothers yout just keep scrolling I rarely weigh myself because doing so frequently turns into a competition with myself to get a lower number every time. But yesterday I weighed in at 120 pounds. This is a heaviest I've been in my life and I couldn't be happier with it. It's taken me four years to gain more than twenty pounds. But four years ago when I was battling anorexia I told my doctor I would never be able to weigh over 110 pounds. I haven't thought about how many calories I've been eating recently. I never thought that getting rid of the constant mental tally of calories would be possible, even if I convinced myself that eating was nessecary. I am by no means a perfect picture of mental health. I still have a hard time coping with stress and anxiety in a healthy way. I have mood swings, I haven't had any luck getting more control over them (although I have been learning to see when they're starting. Which is useful because I don't think that having mood swings is an excuse to snap at anyone.) So basically I still have a lot of things to work on. But seeing that I've been able to succeed at un fucking one area of my life really gives me hope.

[terentatek]

Mental health post, if reading about eating disorders bothers yout just keep scrolling I rarely weigh myself because doing so frequently turns into a competition with myself to get a lower number every time. But yesterday I weighed in at 120 pounds. This is a heaviest I've been in my life and I couldn't be happier with it. It's taken me four years to gain more than twenty pounds. But four years ago when I was battling anorexia I told my doctor I would never be able to weigh over 110 pounds. I haven't thought about how many calories I've been eating recently. I never thought that getting rid of the constant mental tally of calories would be possible, even if I convinced myself that eating was nessecary. I am by no means a perfect picture of mental health. I still have a hard time coping with stress and anxiety in a healthy way. I have mood swings, I haven't had any luck getting more control over them (although I have been learning to see when they're starting. Which is useful because I don't think that having mood swings is an excuse to snap at anyone.) So basically I still have a lot of things to work on. But seeing that I've been able to succeed at un fucking one area of my life really gives me hope.

[terentatek]

Gotta love how all of my "friends" hang out every day while I sit alone in my apartment wishing I ever got invited to anything. People said they wanted to come over to my place tonight so I invited them over. Then tonight my texts get ignored while everyones posting about the thing I got ditched for, like I won't noticed. Because I'm too nice and naive of a person to see when I've been snubbed. Like shit guys I was there for you when you were alone, now that things are better I just get left alone in the dust.

[terentatek]

How long does it take to travel from Chicago to Florida? 18 hours and might have to do some questionable things to make it. I have Finally left the southwest disaster zone

[terentatek]

The bright side of everyone being stuck at Midway airport is that the pokemon hunting here is lit af. Lure modules everywhere

[terentatek]

Leaving at 4 for a flight at 7:40 seems like a good idea but its actually a terrible idea and you will miss your flight

[terentatek]

I have entered the southwest airlines disaster zone And I'm probably going to be stuck here a while because this line isn't moving

[terentatek]

Beginning to have panic attacks while getting yelled at again... which is a really inconvenient time for me to have them since I get yelled at at work several times every day. I tought I was doing well because I got through getting yelled at nine times yesterday, then the tenth time I had a panic attack. It doesn't matter that I can cope go a little while, there'd always another wave coming until I'm worn down. I don't want to get better I want people to stop treating me like shit. And before people say just get a new job, I spent a year searching but was only offered customer service positions, and part time Jobs that wouldn't begin to pay for bills. I'm going back to school for an IT certification in programming to make my linguistics degree more employable, I'm also opening up an etsy shop to sell cosplay props. These are both long term goals though that will take months before I get any results from them. And I have bills to pay in the meantime.

[daxxglax]

“History is on the move, Captain. Those who cannot keep up will be left behind, to watch from a distance. And those who stand in our way will not watch at all.”