today has been a bit of a roller coaster. i honestly feel like i have grown so much in this one day, and that’s a big statement to be making, right? i thought i understood racism. i had faced it head-on in many subtle forms, and some not-so subtle. the top of my scale was children at school being mean but that was easy to brush off, even if it took a little while. but today. i was in the car with my family. appa was driving. suddenly, out of nowhere, this white, about-in-his-30s guy appeared in a van and started shouting verbal abuse, which was a bit hard to understand with his mouth full-type accent, but he ended it with “GO BACK TO YOUR OWN COUTRY!” and we heard that nice and clear. the thing that broke me, more than everything, was that my two siblings, a little boy and girl, born in this country; a country that was theirs, had to hear some random man, who felt like he had the right to tell them what to do. my parents laughed it off. in fact, they were the ones sitting in the front seats with the non-blacked out windows, and they didn’t even give him a side glance. it was as if they had seen this way too many times to even bother reacting to it. appa said, “you can’t blame him. i bet people back home would have said the same if he came to our country. this is his home, isn’t it?”. and i thought of how every time i’d seen a white man in india, he’d always be posing for photographs from local people who would be overjoyed to have him there. who stand next to him, tall and proud, as if they have got a picture with God himself. no appa, we wouldn’t. we don’t. just as i was rubbing off the shock from my face, later in the day, we were crossing a road together. my dad was holding my little brother’s hand and whilst crossing, he let go and ran forward so appa did too to catch his hand. i crossed, mimed ‘thank you’ to the driver. but as he went past, he pulls down his window, looks at appa and says, “in this country, most people say thank you, mate”. appa smiled. “sorry, thank you”. i felt my heart lodge in my throat.
let me tell you. the time will come. this country has laid its foundations on robbery and cruelty. it is already starting to crumble. my parents have no intention of staying in this foreign land any more than they need to. they have built themselves a paradise to rest in. we will soon go too. but one day, these same men who call my people ‘scroungers’ will need a home when their home is not enough. and we will give it to them. because kindness flows in my people’s veins. but the guilt.
the guilt of what you do today. that is what will kill you.
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