i've got so many things in my hungry heart

vawa's (@wavaur) sideblog for study matters, silly doodles & drafts and more personal Thangs i don't feel like posting on main. feel free to follow :-)

[termpapr]

pathetically overstimmed at the event even before the event starts. jeez i hate remembering that i am indeed neurodivergent

[termpapr]

reading about ablativus absolutus online and it gives me a reference to first civil war as an example. what am i doing in general

[termpapr]

no fr noelle is so me-coded

[termpapr]

i guess i just loathe writing and drawing at the moment because nothing ever comes out right or even gets better as i sit on it. yes to get better one needs to put in time and effort but i was fighting for my life in uni for the last few months and i genuinely don't have any energy left to put into anything. it's kind of so bad i just feel i cannot enjoy anything anymore not only my arts and crafts. cannot watch a movie because it bores me cannot play games because they bore me cannot read fic or watch youtube video essays because it all bores me cannot read my sci lit or revise latin because guess what? it bores me and also tires me. i feel nothing and want to sleep through the whole day. yes being outside with people helps but with this abysmal heatwave and my summer practice (which is fun! but i have to wake up early so i am sometimes sleepy throughout) i don't have much energy for it nor do my friends i guess. i will meet with some of them soon but until then all i can do is be evil on the internet

[termpapr]

the two reasons i was away from here (aside from the internet issues) were 1) my uni trying to implode me multiple times and 2) deltarune ch5. i ain't deltaruneposting on main since all i want to post is snide comments about how dr fandom is full of borderline illiterate teenagers who think that shipping is activism and that you're lesbophobic for being media literate

[termpapr]

i am more or less a girl and definitely asexual but i feel queer sexual attraction to the concept of lucius licinius crassus cos. 95

[termpapr]

one of my biggest issues is that while i am an honest researcher at heart which means i am always up to changing my mind if presented with sufficient evidence (moreover i will seek out alternative points of view myself to see how my current opinions hold against them) i also a) am easily triggered by Certain subjects which makes it hard for me to research the topic altogether and b) just unironically loathe that guy named l. cornelius sulla felix. it's hard for me to read anything positive on him because i am afraid of finding out that maybe i have greatly overestimated the traumatic effect his reforms had on rome and underestimated the positive influence saud reforms had and then everything i have ever said on the subject was stupid and futile and so is my hatred but i cannot get it out of my system at this point so it makes me a stupid hypocrite. genuinely free me

[termpapr]

and don't get me wrong in my opinion all reconstructions are by definition problematic (i would even say voluntaristic) and so it really doesn't matter that much in the end whether i want to center one source or the other one perspective or the other since centering either both or neither are all problematic choices more indicative of a researcher's personal academic and ideological allegiances than of any real event that happened 2000 years ago so no one will ever jump me for not willing to read certain books on sulla as if i don't want to find out The Truth since there has never been any Truth and after all i don't even focus on sulla in my actual studies? but what bothers me isn't possible lack of academic integrity. it's my fear of being wrong and dumb and my shame for being wrong and dumb. it's always been me against my fear and my shame. they returned to spoil my fun again and it sucks badly

[termpapr]

one of my biggest issues is that while i am an honest researcher at heart which means i am always up to changing my mind if presented with sufficient evidence (moreover i will seek out alternative points of view myself to see how my current opinions hold against them) i also a) am easily triggered by Certain subjects which makes it hard for me to research the topic altogether and b) just unironically loathe that guy named l. cornelius sulla felix. it's hard for me to read anything positive on him because i am afraid of finding out that maybe i have greatly overestimated the traumatic effect his reforms had on rome and underestimated the positive influence saud reforms had and then everything i have ever said on the subject was stupid and futile and so is my hatred but i cannot get it out of my system at this point so it makes me a stupid hypocrite. genuinely free me

[termpapr]

requested an article from academia edu for the first time and had an actual well-known scholar address me by name in an email which was Scary. but hey i have the article now

[termpapr]

found out orator crassus was tribune the same year marius was consul for the first time and could Not refrain from addressing it

[termpapr]

why does it feel like everyone hates me. genuinely i am so anxious in regards to acquaintances and friends yet so avoidant in regards to partners. what's wrong with me

[termpapr]

the termpapr blog will be renamed bachlrthesis in two years if they don't kill me earlier

[termpapr]

if i will ever become a classicist i won't become the cool m classicist or an evil g classicist. i will be the humble y classicist

[termpapr]

saw people who studied under morstein-marx on tumblr. puella dats crazy

[termpapr]

got 5 likes on main. calls for a celebration

[wavaur]

GOT A 9 OUT OF 10 FROM MY SUPERVISOR??

[termpapr]

will talk about it here but she wants me to write a bachelor's thesis on tribunate and i want to research late republican pre-sullan tribunate in particular because it was a different can of worms entirely and i Love when civil war traumas are present only implicitly <3

[fullyconsumedbywhatlovesme]

Okay tell me I'm not alone in this

What do you say when playing Rock Paper Scissors

“Rock Paper Scissors”

”Rock Paper Scissors Shoot”

“Rock Paper Scissors Says Shoot”

I have never played Rock Paper Scissors

I have played but say something else

Voting ended onJun 9