Text Post Dave

Coworker Dave is basically a walking text post. This tumblr is dedicated to the things he says. Dave is a gem.

[textpostdave]

chris pine

Justin: Where is Chris Pine from? Dave: Heaven?

[textpostdave]

drumming

Dave: *repeatedly slamming fist on his desk* me: ok what is happening over there? Dave: I’m drumming! me: no. Dave: are you saying I’m not a good drummer? me: yes, that is exactly what I’m saying. Dave: you can’t prove that. My drumming is like a Jackson Pollock painting. You may just see splashes on paper, but I am drumming d’art. me: your drumming is art?! Dave: D’Art. D-apostrophe-Art. It’s fancier that way.

[textpostdave]

baby

Daniel: My wife is bringing the kids here! me: is today baby day? Dave: Today is baby day! Dave: Daniel doesn’t have babies tho. Daniel: Oh, no. They’re babies. Dave: I thought I was your baby!

[textpostdave]

Australia

Dave: So if i’m going to Australia, I’d go right? Dave: Wouldn’t it be easier to go left? me: considering the rotation of the earth? Dave: yeah, wouldn’t it be faster? Devon: or you could just go up and wait a while Dave: no then you would just be stopped! Justin: The earth stops when you go up??? Dave: Yeah!

[textpostdave]

16 feet

Gary: my shed is like 16 feet high! Dave: So i’m 6 feet and you’re 6 feet Dave: so if we’re on each other’s shoulders Dave: That’s 12 feet Dave: and then bring in Justin, who is 4 feet...

[textpostdave]

dad sneeze

Dave: I sneezed in the middle of the night and I woke up the baby and she cried Dave: I felt bad

[textpostdave]

I get knocked off

(to the tune of Chumbawumba’s “Tubthumpin”)

Dave: I get knocked off! Dave: You’re never gonna knock me off!

[textpostdave]

sexy things

Dave: I was thinking more sexy things Dave: we can go outside and do sexy things

[textpostdave]

Yellow Submarine

Dave: we all know in the yellow submarine! Dave: the yellow submarine...

[textpostdave]

love

Dave: I need your love. Dave: your sweaty man love.

[textpostdave]

3D printer

Dave: yeah, he just got his 3D printer! what do you think he’s doing? Dave: I’d be printing out genitals all day! Bert: what? Dave: MY genitals. Let’s be clear.

[textpostdave]

dropping babies

Dave: I dropped her. me: what? Dave: it wasn’t drop, she just face planted on the floor Dave: ...while i was holding her Gary: There’s nothing wrong with people who drop their babies!

[textpostdave]

rockawhat

Dave: Have you heard of the rockabye... rockabe... rocka... Dave: you know i should look up the name of it before I start talking.

[textpostdave]

Destiny’s child

Dave: Say my name, say my name! Brian: When no one is around you, say baby I love you!

[textpostdave]

vaseline pen

Dave: I’m gonna put vaseline all over this pen Dave: and then i’m gonna shove it in your peehole.

[textpostdave]

hardcore rap

Dave: and now i’m going to listen to some hardcore rap! Dave: and by that I mean Drake.

[textpostdave]

pee

Dave: I have a baby now! me: I know! that’s exciting! Dave: Yeah! She peed on me! Dave: At first I thought it was me because I felt something wet on my leg and thought oh no, am i peeing? Dave: Nope, it was her.