chris pine
Justin: Where is Chris Pine from? Dave: Heaven?
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ellievsbear
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PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
ojovivo
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shark vs the universe
Sade Olutola
Game of Thrones Daily
I'd rather be in outer space đ¸
YOU ARE THE REASON
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$LAYYYTER

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Sweet Seals For You, Always
Keni
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"

blake kathryn
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her

if i look back, i am lost

seen from Germany

seen from Malaysia

seen from Portugal
seen from United States
seen from United States

seen from TĂźrkiye
seen from United States

seen from Malaysia

seen from T1
seen from TĂźrkiye

seen from Armenia
seen from United Kingdom

seen from Germany
seen from Germany

seen from Senegal
seen from United States

seen from United States

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@textpostdave
chris pine
Justin: Where is Chris Pine from? Dave: Heaven?
drumming
Dave: *repeatedly slamming fist on his desk* me: ok what is happening over there? Dave: Iâm drumming! me: no. Dave: are you saying Iâm not a good drummer? me: yes, that is exactly what Iâm saying. Dave: you canât prove that. My drumming is like a Jackson Pollock painting. You may just see splashes on paper, but I am drumming dâart. me: your drumming is art?! Dave: DâArt. D-apostrophe-Art. Itâs fancier that way.
baby
Daniel: My wife is bringing the kids here! me: is today baby day? Dave: Today is baby day! Dave: Daniel doesnât have babies tho. Daniel: Oh, no. Theyâre babies. Dave: I thought I was your baby!
Australia
Dave: So if iâm going to Australia, Iâd go right? Dave: Wouldnât it be easier to go left? me: considering the rotation of the earth? Dave: yeah, wouldnât it be faster? Devon: or you could just go up and wait a while Dave: no then you would just be stopped! Justin: The earth stops when you go up??? Dave: Yeah!
16 feet
Gary: my shed is like 16 feet high! Dave: So iâm 6 feet and youâre 6 feet Dave: so if weâre on each otherâs shoulders Dave: Thatâs 12 feet Dave: and then bring in Justin, who is 4 feet...
dad sneeze
Dave: I sneezed in the middle of the night and I woke up the baby and she cried Dave: I felt bad
I get knocked off
(to the tune of Chumbawumbaâs âTubthumpinâ)
Dave: I get knocked off! Dave: Youâre never gonna knock me off!
sexy things
Dave: I was thinking more sexy things Dave: we can go outside and do sexy things
Yellow Submarine
Dave: we all know in the yellow submarine! Dave: the yellow submarine...
love
Dave: I need your love. Dave: your sweaty man love.
3D printer
Dave: yeah, he just got his 3D printer! what do you think heâs doing? Dave: Iâd be printing out genitals all day! Bert: what? Dave: MY genitals. Letâs be clear.
dropping babies
Dave: I dropped her. me: what? Dave: it wasnât drop, she just face planted on the floor Dave: ...while i was holding her Gary: Thereâs nothing wrong with people who drop their babies!
rockawhat
Dave: Have you heard of the rockabye... rockabe... rocka... Dave: you know i should look up the name of it before I start talking.
Destinyâs child
Dave: Say my name, say my name! Brian: When no one is around you, say baby I love you!
vaseline pen
Dave: Iâm gonna put vaseline all over this pen Dave: and then iâm gonna shove it in your peehole.
hardcore rap
Dave: and now iâm going to listen to some hardcore rap! Dave: and by that I mean Drake.
pee
Dave: I have a baby now! me: I know! thatâs exciting! Dave: Yeah! She peed on me! Dave: At first I thought it was me because I felt something wet on my leg and thought oh no, am i peeing? Dave: Nope, it was her.