The Texts of Varric Tethras, Famed Storyteller

Varric is known for having contacts from all walks of life, and they're all stored on his trusty cellphone.

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To: Elf

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To: Fenris

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Lol, hello my little wolf

WHAT— WHO—

NO. THERE ARE NO WOLVES OF ANY VARIETY HERE. GOODBYE.

No, u can’t fool me Fenris. i still have those trackers set into…

Magic is a gift to us all, Fenris. u need to remember this, and remember your place.

Now come back with me like a good little slave.

YOU CANNOT HAVE THIS PHONE. YOU CANNOT HAVE MY TEXTS.

I AM YOUR SLAVE NO LONGER.

You sound so confident. I know underneath all of that, you’re still obedient and afraid. I can sense it in you.

I… IT IS NOT TRUE. YOU ARE WRONG.

ARE YOU MISSING SOMETHING, DANARIUS?

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Good one, Elf. This part's definitely going in the books.

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eirufdioaudfn jkfdfsdfsdiofje.akj fasdfoioewirfnsdkf dreamweaverwe ropjfaopfisdapofi fasdpofisdfpof druuuuuuuuuuuuunk

sdfioklrfsdokfwesdoklawfokrlwekowekoRKOOwo

dddrerioeuoifudssss…

I see. Well, maybe it’s time to call it a night? You’re already going to regret this in the morning.

but myew panntssts are stilll onbmm

That’s a good thing, Hawke.

yorre chesht hair is liike a fooreeeest.

A forest of manliness. It’s true.

Don’t text that where Bianca can see it, though. She’s feeling sensitive lately.

You evur lett Sebaasshtion haandle her cockking ringgse? lollololollolol cock

I don’t know what you’re implying, Hawke! Bianca is an esteemed lady.

Besides, she only responds to me.

woudnt wantty anotherss mans hands onn your baby, eh?

Exactly.

goood mann. Ithionk i might passs out in thiws here alleyway, craates are comffy. iff anyoene asks, makee up an elabor-…elabrorerr……badasss excuse forr me plx

I don’t think so. Blondie and Broody seem to have their mess in hand. I’m stopping in to make sure you don’t end up rat bait.

If you’ve seen the size of the vermin in this city, you know how scary that is.

weelll asd longh as theyy arenttr the sizzxe of the spidders i shoulds be okay, riight? rigt??

You’re saying that now. Come on, Hawke. Let’s get you home.

holds onn, i cann totaly stand aftert thedas strops spinnnign

Right, right. Take your time. I just had my shoes cleaned and would prefer for them to say that way.

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eirufdioaudfn jkfdfsdfsdiofje.akj fasdfoioewirfnsdkf dreamweaverwe ropjfaopfisdapofi fasdpofisdfpof druuuuuuuuuuuuunk

sdfioklrfsdokfwesdoklawfokrlwekowekoRKOOwo

dddrerioeuoifudssss…

I see. Well, maybe it’s time to call it a night? You’re already going to regret this in the morning.

but myew panntssts are stilll onbmm

That’s a good thing, Hawke.

yorre chesht hair is liike a fooreeeest.

A forest of manliness. It’s true.

Don’t text that where Bianca can see it, though. She’s feeling sensitive lately.

You evur lett Sebaasshtion haandle her cockking ringgse? lollololollolol cock

I don’t know what you’re implying, Hawke! Bianca is an esteemed lady.

Besides, she only responds to me.

woudnt wantty anotherss mans hands onn your baby, eh?

Exactly.

goood mann. Ithionk i might passs out in thiws here alleyway, craates are comffy. iff anyoene asks, makee up an elabor-…elabrorerr……badasss excuse forr me plx

I don’t think so. Blondie and Broody seem to have their mess in hand. I’m stopping in to make sure you don’t end up rat bait.

If you’ve seen the size of the vermin in this city, you know how scary that is.

weelll asd longh as theyy arenttr the sizzxe of the spidders i shoulds be okay, riight? rigt??

You're saying that now. Come on, Hawke. Let's get you home.

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eirufdioaudfn jkfdfsdfsdiofje.akj fasdfoioewirfnsdkf dreamweaverwe ropjfaopfisdapofi fasdpofisdfpof druuuuuuuuuuuuunk

sdfioklrfsdokfwesdoklawfokrlwekowekoRKOOwo

dddrerioeuoifudssss…

I see. Well, maybe it’s time to call it a night? You’re already going to regret this in the morning.

but myew panntssts are stilll onbmm

That’s a good thing, Hawke.

yorre chesht hair is liike a fooreeeest.

A forest of manliness. It’s true.

Don’t text that where Bianca can see it, though. She’s feeling sensitive lately.

You evur lett Sebaasshtion haandle her cockking ringgse? lollololollolol cock

I don’t know what you’re implying, Hawke! Bianca is an esteemed lady.

Besides, she only responds to me.

woudnt wantty anotherss mans hands onn your baby, eh?

Exactly.

goood mann. Ithionk i might passs out in thiws here alleyway, craates are comffy. iff anyoene asks, makee up an elabor-…elabrorerr……badasss excuse forr me plx

I don't think so. Blondie and Broody seem to have their mess in hand. I'm stopping in to make sure you don't end up rat bait.

If you've seen the size of the vermin in this city, you know how scary that is.

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eirufdioaudfn jkfdfsdfsdiofje.akj fasdfoioewirfnsdkf dreamweaverwe ropjfaopfisdapofi fasdpofisdfpof druuuuuuuuuuuuunk

sdfioklrfsdokfwesdoklawfokrlwekowekoRKOOwo

dddrerioeuoifudssss…

I see. Well, maybe it’s time to call it a night? You’re already going to regret this in the morning.

but myew panntssts are stilll onbmm

That’s a good thing, Hawke.

yorre chesht hair is liike a fooreeeest.

A forest of manliness. It’s true.

Don’t text that where Bianca can see it, though. She’s feeling sensitive lately.

You evur lett Sebaasshtion haandle her cockking ringgse? lollololollolol cock

I don’t know what you’re implying, Hawke! Bianca is an esteemed lady.

Besides, she only responds to me.

woudnt wantty anotherss mans hands onn your baby, eh?

Exactly.

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eirufdioaudfn jkfdfsdfsdiofje.akj fasdfoioewirfnsdkf dreamweaverwe ropjfaopfisdapofi fasdpofisdfpof druuuuuuuuuuuuunk

sdfioklrfsdokfwesdoklawfokrlwekowekoRKOOwo

dddrerioeuoifudssss…

I see. Well, maybe it’s time to call it a night? You’re already going to regret this in the morning.

but myew panntssts are stilll onbmm

That’s a good thing, Hawke.

yorre chesht hair is liike a fooreeeest.

A forest of manliness. It’s true.

Don’t text that where Bianca can see it, though. She’s feeling sensitive lately.

You evur lett Sebaasshtion haandle her cockking ringgse? lollololollolol cock

I don't know what you're implying, Hawke! Bianca is an esteemed lady.

Besides, she only responds to me.

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eirufdioaudfn jkfdfsdfsdiofje.akj fasdfoioewirfnsdkf dreamweaverwe ropjfaopfisdapofi fasdpofisdfpof druuuuuuuuuuuuunk

sdfioklrfsdokfwesdoklawfokrlwekowekoRKOOwo

dddrerioeuoifudssss…

I see. Well, maybe it’s time to call it a night? You’re already going to regret this in the morning.

but myew panntssts are stilll onbmm

That’s a good thing, Hawke.

yorre chesht hair is liike a fooreeeest.

A forest of manliness. It's true.

Don't text that where Bianca can see it, though. She's feeling sensitive lately.

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eirufdioaudfn jkfdfsdfsdiofje.akj fasdfoioewirfnsdkf dreamweaverwe ropjfaopfisdapofi fasdpofisdfpof druuuuuuuuuuuuunk

sdfioklrfsdokfwesdoklawfokrlwekowekoRKOOwo

dddrerioeuoifudssss…

I see. Well, maybe it’s time to call it a night? You’re already going to regret this in the morning.

but myew panntssts are stilll onbmm

That's a good thing, Hawke.

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eirufdioaudfn jkfdfsdfsdiofje.akj fasdfoioewirfnsdkf dreamweaverwe ropjfaopfisdapofi fasdpofisdfpof druuuuuuuuuuuuunk

sdfioklrfsdokfwesdoklawfokrlwekowekoRKOOwo

dddrerioeuoifudssss...

I see. Well, maybe it's time to call it a night? You're already going to regret this in the morning.

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To: All

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eirufdioaudfn jkfdfsdfsdiofje.akj fasdfoioewirfnsdkf dreamweaverwe ropjfaopfisdapofi fasdpofisdfpof druuuuuuuuuuuuunk

sdfioklrfsdokfwesdoklawfokrlwekowekoRKOOwo

dddrerioeuoifudssss ssshhhhhrrrrrrrrrre kitttttteeeehhhhhhhsh

hiok’ohilkf8yigf86yh

Nooooo shiiiiiiiiiiiiit? ohmygodhsdshruid fhospidfh soifsdjf

Hawke? Is there something you want to explain?

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To: Broody and Blondie

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To: Fenris

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To: Fenris

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To: Fenris

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To: Fenris

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Meet us at the docks tonight, or the Aggregio Pavali gets it. As you can see, we’ve already taken...

FENRIS? WHAT'S GOING ON?

PERHAPS WE SHOULD CALL VARRIC, OR ISABELA OR SOMEONE ELSE WHO IS BETTER SUITED TO DEALING WITH THIS SHI--

I would never pass up my chance to play the dashing hero. You two hang in there. I'm on my way.

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To: Blondie

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gihsrdkfedlsfekodgjrksdjkgrfd

A SODDING CAT IS TEXTING ME NOW? FANTASTIC.

Well, consider this: you texted it back.

…Is that such a bad thing?

Do we need to have a talk, Blondie?

A talk? About what?

I think it is perfectly normal to talk with-

...This has to be a mage thing. Forget I asked.

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To: Blondie

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gihsrdkfedlsfekodgjrksdjkgrfd

A SODDING CAT IS TEXTING ME NOW? FANTASTIC.

Well, consider this: you texted it back.

…Is that such a bad thing?

Do we need to have a talk, Blondie?

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MASS SEND:

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gihsrdkfedlsfekodgjrksdjkgrfd

A SODDING CAT IS TEXTING ME NOW? FANTASTIC.

Well, consider this: you texted it back.

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To: Blondie [New picture message - Status: Private]

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To: The Apostate’s Elf

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To: The Apostate’s Elf

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To: The Apostate’s Elf

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My oh my, I certainly am tired.

Don’t you wish you could hear my sweet, sweet lullaby?

You’d…

Bested?

You are a comedian as well, then?

YET THIS IS ALL YOU CAN SAY.

MY POINT REMAINS.

You must be too enraptured by the rear of your precious mage to see that you are the only one persisting in this.

I would be fully willing to leave you be, but, you seem to have some sort of personal grudge against me.

AN ARCHDEMON BROKERING PEACE? I SUSPECT YOU ARE NOT AN ARCHDEMON AT ALL THEN. PERHAPS MERELY A DRAGON TRYING ON ITS MATIARCH’S SCALES.

YOU DO HAVE ONE VALID ARGUMENT: I DO HAVE A MAGE TO WATCH. I WILL BE ATTENDING TO THAT.

Don’t stop there. This parchment is still far too empty.

I need stop to go after, “And the elf defended his mage’s honor.”

...Wasn't expecting a visual, but I guess that'll work.

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To: Broody and Blondie

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To: The Apostate’s Elf

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To: The Apostate’s Elf

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To: The Apostate’s Elf

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My oh my, I certainly am tired.

Don’t you wish you could hear my sweet, sweet lullaby?

You’d…

Bested?

You are a comedian as well, then?

YET THIS IS ALL YOU CAN SAY.

MY POINT REMAINS.

You must be too enraptured by the rear of your precious mage to see that you are the only one persisting in this.

I would be fully willing to leave you be, but, you seem to have some sort of personal grudge against me.

AN ARCHDEMON BROKERING PEACE? I SUSPECT YOU ARE NOT AN ARCHDEMON AT ALL THEN. PERHAPS MERELY A DRAGON TRYING ON ITS MATIARCH’S SCALES.

YOU DO HAVE ONE VALID ARGUMENT: I DO HAVE A MAGE TO WATCH. I WILL BE ATTENDING TO THAT.

Don't stop there. This parchment is still far too empty.

I need something to go after, "And the elf defended his mage's honor."

[textvarric-blog]

To: Everyone

Well, would you look at that? It looks like we have an Archdemon on our hands.

Time to add a little action into the romance.

If it starts doing more than texting, let me know. Bianca and I are here.