teydious @teydious - Tumblr Blog

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now i’ve always written in a selfish way, that is, to please myself. it was the symptom, or better, the treatment of my dysfunction. by writing things down, i have been better able to live with them. not writing is not good but trying to write when you cant is worse. the gods have spoiled me. yet look, i am still lucky, for writing about writer’s block is better than not writing at all

i wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them

confusingadreamwithlife

i think i could've pulled albert camus

youvereacheddazey

For the first time, in that night alive with signs and stars, I opened myself to the gentle indifference of the world. Finding it so much like myself—so like a brother really—I felt that I had been happy and that I was happy again.

— Albert Camus, The Stranger

i was assailed by memories of a life that wasnt mine anymore, but one in which i’d found the simplest and most lasting joys: the smells of summer, the part of town i loved, a certain evening sky.

— the stranger, albert camus.

i dump someone today.

it was genuinely nice while it lasted.

the person is really young and good-looking, he has ambitions too for sure.

but right now, im looking for someone stable, both career and financial. i pray that he will also be grounded in his faith.

all of that but deep down im not ready for that kind of intimacy.

i love being alone too much it scares me.

targetedknowledge

apolloniansorrow

how i feel referencing tsh in every unrelated moment

January 2026

January, they say, is the longest month of the year. Once again, people i know have said the same thing. I think not. It came and go briefly, but definitely lovely.

To be honest, I wanted to summarize the memories i experienced, the feelings i felt, the places i went, the people who made me special. I cannot rely on my mind anymore, im 26 and i think my brain is starting to lose or to remember the important things.

New Years was fantastic. We were complete, we took videos and photos, and the food was just as good and plenty. For the first time, i gave my parents pocket money with the salary i earned. My siblings are growing too fast, especially kyle. Ludwig, of course, had a lot of fun and didn't wanna go back to manila.

Oh i have a new job! Its still in TUV but i transferred to A.01 (with Ms. Lev). I am learning a lot this past month. I hope i will grow with the team and build my knowledge product. I hope i will genuinely care about this job and this industry.

And came my birthday. I had dinner with cm & jarell (ofc with ludwig). We ate Texas Roadhouse, i love meat. It does feel like im 26 now, the peak of my 20s. I could feel the maturity, the way how my mind reacts to circumstances, how instead of trying to control i accept and let go, how i wanna nourish and take good care of my relationships now, of how i think of myself. I think the biggest changes is looking forward to the future and to the goals that i can achieve, to the people i will spend the rest of my life with. I really am an adult now. Thats how it feels and it doesnt feel as taunting as it used to.

I am currently in a situation with a guy at work, his name is Adj. He doesnt tick all my boxes but i figured i will give it a chance for now. I like getting to know him and he expresses his adoration for me (this feels new compared to my past dating experience). I like he pays attention to me (sometimes a little too much), I like his face, I like how goofy he is, again I like how he pays attention, he's a sweet guy but he's corny. He does have insecurities, which is kind of a turnoff. He's younger than me and hasn't achieve far yet, he gives unsolicited advice and we dont match intellectually. I'm gonna wait for the three-month rule and see things from there.

This month is all about nurturing my relationships, so I spent a lot of time with my friends and trying to reconnect with the old ones.

Next month i wanna focus on my ability to take pleasure on the moment and accept it when things doesnt go as planned. I wanna rely on God more.

i just had an emotional breakdown cos i couldnt find a top that i wanted to wear to work tomorrow i mean what the heck sometimes being a girl is really just an identity turmoil the most trivial things of all

pollen

you should really get comfortable believing in love and magic and whimsy or you’ll continue to live a half-life for the rest of the time you have on earth

2026

im at home, in my room, the window is open and the cool air is seeping through the curtains. im living again. warm food, my mum's steps in the kitchen, my dad's watching youtube on his phone, my sisters probably doom scrolling as well, my younger probably eating again, our dogs napping in the living room. ludwig looks so dirty, and needs bathing. im listening to good music. and lastly, i feel this happiness overflowing in my chest - the kinda good feeling.

i have new job and its January, my birth month. i look forward for days to unfold. im gonna look forward for tomorrow, the day after that, next week, baby steps so it doesnt feel as big as vast distant being trying to swallow me.

more importantly, i will trust Jesus. he will be included to my thoughts, my decisions, in the silences of time.

Some things i would like to leave in 2025:

romanticizing the past; its not as good as it looked like. life was pretty difficult back then too, the important thing is i pulled through. with the right people, right anchor (God), right alignment that came with opportunities and decisions. im looking forward to the future now, but i’d like to live in the moment.

avoidant attachment style; living as an adult came with trauma responses i project to my relationships. i’ve met people who genuinely cares about me, are there for me, pulled me from my demons. i want to nurish these relationships now cos they are going to be for lifetime.

dreams that died; i was adamant of moving on from the dreams i thought i’d have achieved by this point in life, however, i realized that i have began over and over of the things i wanted to build over time. new goals, new skills and experiences, new dreams. and that was okay, in fact i think it turned out better than how i expected them to be. faith and trust became my anchor, and also believing that its okay to begin again.

overanalyzing situations that doesn’t matter; fear came easier because they were default responses in my head. again, most of the worst scenarios happened inside my head. i want to leverage my growth and experiences.