My Heart Finally Gave Out This Morning
The days we go without kissing pains me. Every time I see your jovial smile, golden dark skin and innocent aura exhilarating, parading itself through the energetic fields of green - I always wondered if I could tame such a flashy, intellectual peculiar human.
Strikingly independent, smart, a leader if you must say. Your ray of light has shine on my life in ways nobody could fathom beyond human comprehension. Your ways ignite and evoke a maternal yet loving instinct in my soul that struggles to go silent when I lay eyes on your autonomy.
Seeing you is hard. The exhilarating reminder of a love not sought out but sitting. Perhaps laid out on the bench of flatlands with a spirit untouched, lips unkissed and a soul unwatered - struggling to hold on to our last conversation. For every interaction feels like the last - for me at least. I live in fear that one day I'll wake up, in pain I never sought out but endured, pain that travels through the flesh and skin - hurting, peeling and burning - now forcing you to feel it. Do you know what it's like to have all this love , to carry it, mend it , hold it, travel with it, sing with it and dance with it all while having no place put it. I keep babysitting this love I got sitting on my shoulder, hoping you don't figure me out. I need a place to put this... Where shall I? A drunk call professing my love and expressing my aching heart .. No , perhaps I can do that sober. I mean for real , where shall I ? If anyone could ease my anxious heart and saddening mind..
My stomach drops as I continue through my days ignoring this birds nest suffocating my heart strings. My palms are constantly sweating, my head feeling lighter than ever and my mind constantly surrounding you. Yearning is not for the weak, they playfully say - and I say it's not.
Imagine lying next a body that you cannot touch, cannot love, cannot personify. Was territory the issue or connection? No, I just want to place my lips on yours Monday through Friday as opposed to just Fridays, I'd love to hold hands outside where the oxygen is crisp and the leaves watch us kiss - I'd hate to continue denying a new person of desire as the one I have proclaimed the witty pretty soul for me friend zones me a couple times throughout each week of each month. That's the beauty of you...and your distant soul. I've never been like this before, I've never been so happy to be on this train ride with anyone. I'm not quite sure I even want to get off or change carts.
A human able to deny your spirit entry whilst giving you all the tools for success , conquer and rise without transaction is a human you keep, kiss at the feet and move to their beat...Every encouraging letter, heartwarming text and almost-loving sex, all meant nothing in the eyes of God. For our hearts connected while our minds traveled. What is on your mind? He asks frequently. I say nothing. Does he know of this love that sits at the tip of my temple rolling down to the soles of my feet? Does he know of the prayers I pray and the songs I've made, trying to let it all out? If my throat chakras would allow me I'd probably find myself weeping on the floor, calling your name ripping every hair molecule out of my head. Somehow that capacity and capability to love scares me and someway somehow, I'm content you have not accepted my advances. For my love comes crashing like the waves of the Caribbean Sea, swaying your body from left to right, front to forward , until you allow the strikingness of the waters to control your tiny ball of flesh and bones. My love is powerful, pressuring, constantly under heat. I succumb to all human emotions that I feel are meant to feel, allowing myself to flow through happiness, blissfulness, moodiness what else? I am aware of my lost yet passionate soul, forever swimming away from the waters created for me. For I have been blessed with the honor of the 12th zodiac, my piscean nature keeps me here , with you- in this water, no matter how much your skin shrivels up and no matter how bad you'd want to dry off . To rid yourself of the fish yo must capture it or set it free. Until then I'll just keep swimming ...
I laid in bed as you traveled through light, refocusing, rejuvenating and self-consoling. The tears fell from my eyes, I knew it'd be the last time we'd lay like this.. pray like this.. or sway like this...
There's a pain in me - I can no longer hide. I love you, I cherish you and your rules I can no longer abide. So I've given into the tide, I've given my love back to the ocean, returned from the potions and retired your notions. For love is sweet, love flows, and it runs through every river, every lake, every bayou.. To control a running current all solely for the purpose of earthly success, enlightenment and fear of the uplifting role - only disrupts the ever-flowing circulation of love and life.
I want to love you on Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday too. I want to love you till we turn blue and rock the same shoes.. I want to love you till we earned proof of completion of life, might and diligence. For our souls conjoin so perfectly, completing the walk of life as one - would only be right.
But I'm in this waiting room, evidently waiting for your love.. I look into those eyes, seeing leaves of green and red roses too. I seen the dream , essentially for me and you...
