Sawatdiikah!
When I was younger I made a huge fuss over what I was using to write. Certain surfaces werent conducive to the artistic flow or whatever the hell bullshit I came up with. Then the latter half of college happened and I got over it. Now I find myself slipping back into excuses. I'm writing on my tablet with no keyboard and using Swype is a real pain in the ass. But today is a break from the beach day, and I'm gonna feel really guilty is I don't even attempt to do something semi productive, even if it is às self serving as a blog post. Standards. Getting to Thailand was no picnic. Instead of spending the extra $70 I chose the flight with the ten hour layover. Imagine a very sleepy Ashley trying to get some shut eye, using her purse as a pillow and a towel as a blanket, sprawled over a row of chairs. The lights were on and the kids were hopped up on sugar, y'all. But I made it through and was rewarded with a four hour nap once I got to phi phi. (After a few hours of minibus and ferry riding.) Koh Phi Phi was gorgeous. I can't get over how beautiful it was, from the dramatic cliffs to the perfectly clear and blue water. But it was filled with assholes. European and American assholes as far as the eye could see. I stayed two nights and then moved on Koh Lanta. It's not nearly as breathtaking here, but the water is cool, my hostel is okay, and the food is fucking. amazing. Everytime, minus the garbage "western breakfast" I was stupid enough to buy, whatever I eat is the freaking best. Thai food, I love you. Thai beaches, I love you too. I'm finding it hard to just be by myself though. Ya know, it's making me re- examine my gratitude and ability to appreciate. The first few days were a mad rush of just wanting to show everybody everything. It was so exciting and new and beautiful. And then crept in the desire of wanting to share but with a little but more substance - particular things with particular people. Still a massive need to share and communicate but also a longing for specifics and inside jokes and appreciations. The honest to goodness truth that I'm figuring out about myself is not just that I don't know how to be alone, but that the concept is terrifying. I mean of course there are reasons why having a bud would be nice, including, but not limited to, goading each other into things, an extra pair of eyes for jellyfish lookouts, entertainment, but I guess I haven't realized how necessary for myself it was to be with somebody. As soon as I got to Korea I had Anthony. When I moved to NY there was Jam. Here there is nobody. And I really don't like how uncomfortable I am with solitude. It goes beyond just needing a friend for encouragement to do something new. It's... I dunno. Something else. Anyways, this didn't head in the direction I wanted it to. I was gonna talk about talking to you to strangers and not being able to stay in the water for longer than 20 minutes because of goddamn jellyfish but oh well. Have some overly personal information courtesy of the wifi that keeps cutting in and out. And don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. I just... Need to figure some things out. Or figure out how to get more distracted so I can keep on ignoring them. :)
