th3memories

My last year in the Bay.

[th3memories]

June 14th, 2021

Another year later... Can you believe tomorrow is "mask off day" after all the stress and turmoil that happened within the last year was TRAGIC. Now were' vaccinated, trips are planned, hugging/kissing people, life's freaking crazy.

I think this a post where I want to count my blessings. As much as life is hard and gets stressful because of idk my job, societal pressures from family, and thinking about the future, I have to remember the present is a present.

I don't need to be overthinking, or stressing out about things I can't control. Instead I have to keep using my gift in scenarios that will bring love and life to others. This time last year, I didn't have a job, I couldn't even see my friends in person or hug them, last year I didn't have a really really nice guy to date. or even now call "dating"

Honestly, I 'm still trying to wrap my head around the idea that I'm ExCLUSively talking to someone. Like I know I'm dating them and they are ONLY dating me. I'VE NEVER BEEN IN THAT SITUATION BEFORE. It's different and I like it! even though it's only been 2 days lol.

[th3memories]

May 14th 2020

 c r a z y,  to think we’re here. How many years has it been? 3 or 4? who knows. 

I’ve missed tumblr, and also the opportunity to type like I have a blog again. Currently we’re in quarantine and I’m not sure how to feel about it. It’s a lot of mixed feelings? I’m happy to be around my family and in a safe place, yet it’s also as if everything has been put on a hold. Kind of scared it’s stagnant and flat lining... not really sure. 

During this time I’ve been reminded about highschool a lot surprisingly. like why? music, movies, social media, and certain people remind me of it all. If I had the chance to do it again would I change things? Probably. Imagine if I was in forensics, or joined the musicals like I always wanted to. who knows. I just know that looking back, highschool really fucked me up in some ways. Pretty sure I was a latebloomer in deciding what to do with my life, and falling in love etc. Technically I’m still am in both those categories but I’m not as worried as I was back then. There were so many stupid societal pressures, and dumb fads we all followed. Things I would try not to repeat. 

1. Don’t fall into the trap of taking the same classes to seem “smarter” like certain AP’s and Honors, because you WILL struggle.  

2. Don’t feel bad for thinking about majoring in music, follow your passions 

3. Boys AREN’T the center of your universe. It’s cool to have crushes and think about them but don’t prioritize them. 

4. Trust your gut and stay away from people you don’t vibe with or seem fake. 

5. It’s okay to keep a close knit group of friends rather than multiple with a lesser connection. 

6. Favoritism will be unavoidable, it matters about rising above the occasion, through working hard, doing your best, and enjoying the experience. you’re consistency and discipline to success with be apparent.

7. You don’t have to have EVERYONE like you. you will have haters or people that just Don’t like you. 

8. Don’t feel bad about not having a S.O. and don’t let it pressure you. 

9. Have at least 1 strong connection with an adult figure there. It’s nice to have a good role model or strong mentor to look up to. 

10. Balancing the stress of school, it’s work, and your parents/your own expectations, is HARD AF, but still possible. Just don’t forget to create more good memories than bad, so when you look back on it you won’t be SO AS triggered. LOL

[th3memories]

Dreamsss

Ok in class we talk about dream orientation and that is what Karl Jung discussed in his findings.

Last night I was talking about finding a boyfriend... again but just in a joking sense. And it transistioned into a weird ass dream. Dreams are supposed to be the free form of your unconscious and I wanna say it was pretty spot on.

I think it started with me going to a similar like tpumps boba shop then I ended up sitting waiting to get interviewed for the job I knew some of the people there so it was aight and pretty fun. Then it transitioned into a hotel room with the same people I knew there three girls and some guys and we looked dressed up for a debut like we were in the court. The only familiar face I knew was kalvin Reyes idk if that's even his name but whateva. Later the three girls were telling me to come with and we ended up on the bottom floor of the place and it was HUGE like football stadium huge. We sat in the crowd watching the run through and there was a skyscraper like mermaid man, holographic video game visuals moving all lifelike and so many other things it was a girls birthday. But surprisingly enough it didn't wow me because it was all done for another girl named Avani. Anyways it moved into like a ravelike trance with music going and suddenly kalvin was behind me and puts his head on my shoulder asking me questions lowkey flirting. Then I end up just laying my head on his enjoying it all. When my eyes closed I saw plaid black and white squared mandalas that kept moving and moving. Idk I was like is this what love feels like again? It was a nice feeling overall LOL.

Also subconsciously another guy was looking at my bed sheets and saw all these white marks and he thought ya know... but I told him no haha

[th3memories]

Last day

Coming to you live it's 2:32am and it's currently my last day before a new adventure awaits. I'm currently exhausted from everything that's been going on. My mind feels so booked upon different feelings memories and moments that tend to reoccur whenever they like. Not going to lie but I'm nervous and terrified of leaving my family... I really wish I had some reassurance that they'll be ok without me each one of them truly. On top of that I'm dead beat tired from writing everyone's thank you notes making them thoughtful af and personal to the heart. Packing has been a struggle but all I have to say is that my mom is the greatest. If it weren't for her idk how I would get everything together in time and organized before move in day. It's so crazy. Well I hope this last day goes well.

[th3memories]

Last day of the SCVC season

I just had my last talk of the season, with Chavy and Jackson. I remember feeling very nervous before going into it not knowing what they were about to say to me. Although I feel as though all they could give me was positive comments and how I was throughout the season. They knew that I was timid in the beginning but grew well into the role and spot that I had to assume. In many ways I thank them for their commentary and past criticism because I knew it was only to make me a better player. They complimented me on a being a good student always thinking fast and apparently showing growth for my role. I almost shed a tear as they were telling me these things. Honestly all I really got from it was them asking me where I'm going to go next and where I'm auditioning at. They said they'd hate to see me go but that I should March my last two years because it's apparent to them that my heart is in it when I perform. Overall I'm kind of nervous if I had to go an audition somewhere because I'm afraid I'll be too gone for a long amount of time. I love my family and at the same time I'm scared how grandma mom and jehlia will do without me. It's like I've become woMAN of the house and it's my duty as the eldest to make sure everyone is ok. Idk though I really do love performing. Hell yea I wish I could make a world class corps of my dreams but honestly who knows. Hopefully I'll get lucky and even with a winter group as well. Not gonna lie this season was difficult and challenging and I wanted to cry every second because I was never able to strive for perfection. Yet I learned to gain confidence and deal with the articulate sounds of a xylophone. This year has been something alright but I'm so happy it ended with a bang.

[th3memories]

Honestly it's crazy to realize that I hopped metaphorically hopped on the train that lead us to championships. And now it all ending in less than two days. I'm excited to come back home and just am really thankful for this experience

[th3memories]

9 days left of tour

Tonight was so surprising beyond belief. My mother flew into Wisconsin just to watch me perform with a bunch of other family members. Tonight was so lit, it's Jenny cause o didn't notice them til the very very end as the sign went up. Although I'm crazy thankful for them. Times have been tough right now just because of all these comments from my techs and trying to go as much with the flow as possible. So something positive for a change felt really nice. PLUS we won!!!! Crazy!!! But amazing I'm so glad and I hope to keep it up again!!!

[th3memories]

Day 1 of Tour

7/21 who knew I'd be here at this time and place in my life right now. I never knew I was gonna be back on tour on a bus ride to Elko highschool to sleep for the night. This experience is exciting yet lowkey making me nervous. I hope at this point I'll find more confidence in the instrument that I'm currently playing. I really want to do well this season and have everything end on a good note. Not do anything reckless, not lose anything, be on top of my game, and enjoy this opportunity to perform. Hopefully it will all work out. Then I'll get to come back to my family and enjoy as much time as I can with them 💕

[th3memories]

09

the show is finally coming together. We just performed tonight in my opinion what was the best run-through yet in new uniforms and shields. It all feels pretty amazing. Our day went as planned getting to the corps hall at 6:45 am then traveling to hell i mean denair to rehearse then a show in elk grove. Best part was that my marimba buddy was there to surprise me!!! and cheer me on in the stands as my number 1 fan omfg. I was so thankful it was crazy to hear my named being screamed a bajillion times. Although in a way to make this all short and sweet I think I’m super thankful that people keep coming to support me at these events. It feels weird yet different that i come back from a year off to do drum corps again. most people just transition into the next season without even noticing what’s going on. Although for me it felt different but in a good way. Can’t wait to see what else is in store this isn’t the end of our show just yet.

[th3memories]

JUL03

jeezus christ to this point we’ve only gone through the norcal shows plus a week in san jose and I’m already super dark. This experience so far has been mentally physically and spiritually exhausting but I’m really enjoying it with the 10 other people around me. I feel like we do EVERYTHING together, eat sleep shower perform laugh stress anything. we are “the one” but “in pieces”. btw they love puns. Sometimes it feels weird being the second oldest but sometimes i don’t even feel it. Instead I have too much to focus on my own playing. Sometimes I even forget about the life I once had on marimba. It’s so weird. All I can ever do is focus on my sound quality, technique and timing on the xylo and bells and dtx. My parts keep me so busy that I really do love the runs and the show we have. Although it’s so nice to actually have a second to chill out at home. Just finished eating Bon Chon with all of them and yet we see each other AGAIN on our second free day tomorrow. In all honesty I love being with people but at the same time I love my free time and individuality alone if I know we’re always going to see each other. idk but this summer I guess wasn’t one that I really expected. I’m treasuring the time we have together but idk something is a little off where I’m not at the full peak of what my performance experience would be like. Maybe I’m just so used to it or that I’m just in the back not on the instrument I thought I would be playing on. idk.... Although I’m going to enjoy this time to nap a little! 

[th3memories]

Ju07

Ok these days I don't mind the fact that I'm single. It's given me the opportunity to hang out with friends I haven't seen in awhile, do my own thing, and focus on working towards my goals. However just thinking about it when I do get a man of my own I'd probably spoil him silly. I feel like spending those times with MBD was a good practice run as to what I would do in the future. Honestly I'd always text my boy with silly puns, bake delicious treats, write corny meaningful letters, go on cutesy dates like picnics at the park, hikes, adventuring around the the city, or snuggling up to watch a movie together, be a little flirtatious and dirty here and there, support him to the best of my ability, appreciate him for his entirety including family, interests, dreams, and more. I'd want to be able to nerd out with him on games, manga, marvel, or basketball. Hold hands in public and give each other little kisses. Pick out the greatest presents for anniversaries, birthdays and Christmas. I'm honestly very good at that because I like it to be homemade but at the same time something meaningful that they'd love. Be able to lightweight show him off to my friends and family. Lastly be able to just have late night deep talks and cuddling would be great. Boba and food all the time. The possibilities are endless. I just know when the time is right when I get those doki doki feelings and endlessly romanticize about my guy. It will be the best. I can't wait for when the moment happens cause it'll be amazing

[th3memories]

22

Sometimes I wonder will anyone that I know be cunning enough to find all of this? I mean in a way it’s not that hard to find but would they take the effort to read and understand what I’m going through in life? Scary enough though is what they would think about all of this. Although it really isn’t that scary. Everyone has thoughts like these I just end up voicing all of mine on here.  

Aside from that, PCN is finally over... and damn what an experience. I always told myself I really wanted to join a musical back in highschool, but band never gave me the chance to do it. Mis padres always exposed me different things such as 42nd street, the chorus line, Music man, anything you could think of. I love it though honestly. So getting to do PCN was pretty great. idk tbh fuck all the other opinions people had about my show. I mean ok my friends are kinda lame yea I get it you can voice your opinion but really you couldn’t like anything about my show? I mean that explains why ya’ll didn’t even cheer when I came out. TBH when it was over I was disappointed no one cheered me on except for Twinny and my own mother. I mean yea ya’ll are having problems and shiz with your own life but for once could you put it aside and be there for me? I mean we didn’t even end up hanging out after because they were tired and already ate -.- it’s whatever. Although I’m glad I got a chance to meet new people make more friendships and have an experience I can treasure. It wasn’t the greatest of parts but I appreciate the thought and only hope papa heard me up there. 

The after party was sick though lmao. never again will I get drunk 7-8 shots and a beer. kill me. no wonder I threw up 8 times. 8 shots = 8 yacks. yikes. That was the worst feeling in my stomach I’ve ever had in my life. I will definitely be staying away from alcohol for a good while for now. The feeling though of being at a college party chilling, dancing, being tipsy, yelling, laughing and talking about stupid shiz was pretty fun. although shoutout to our homie bravehufflepuff and her bf for taking care of us when it was all over. Truly appreciate it.  

Lowkey what’s on my mind is the fact that I’m still in this drumcorps. I mean I should be proud I made it and all the stress I went through to get the spot. Except I can’t help but wonder if this was the right decision because it makes me go straight into college and I’m scared I won’t have enough time spent with my own family. Maybe if things were better, if life was more stable between us I’d have the confidence to go on. Although I can’t help but be constantly worried that I’m doing the wrong thing. mom says it’s ok but deep down I’m having a hard time trying to trust that. Sometimes I get so scared that she won’t be able to go on without me there. I know it’s going to be hard and I’m scared I ‘m going to make her keep crying. I just wish I knew there was a sign that if I left they’ll all be ok. my heart hurts and I keep crying myself. Not knowing what’s going to happen scares me in life now. I just want to know they’ll always be protected loved, and safe no matter where I am. Nothing else matters. nothing. 

[th3memories]

19

its 1:38am and I’m sitting in the office on the floor. in a way hiding, getting away, trying not to go near her. I just don’t understand. where did it all go wrong. Did I do something back then to traumatize her? We used to play together every single day in the backyard. yea maybe I wasn’t the best but I appreciated her and loved her. Now it’s to the point where she doesn’t talk to me at all. god I know I’m not the best but I’m trying really hard to connect and break through but nothing is working. Before practice I get home and work up the courage to tell mom I made it in. I packed before already and I really needed to find bobby pins. I took the package that they recently ordered but no one touched yet. The she comes in getting all pissed that I’m taking them. and madre states “she’s finally leaving us” and all I hear left is Good leave already. I couldn’t take it anymore. I literally just went all off on her for the fact that I always do everything for her, pick her up, drop off things during school, tell my friends to help her, buy her food, buy her extra crap needed, not complain, ask if she needs anything, dont nag if she wears my stuff, Like HONESTLY. I’m trying really hard to just connect to her in someway. Then when I buy her boba it low key feels like bribing but then again thats only one of the ways we can connect... IDK. 

Then RIGHT NOW I get it, it isn’t the time to really bother her since a student died. but I was honestly Shocked like wtf. Personally I didn’t know her and yes it might have come off rude saying “that guy’s gf died” I DIDNT KNOW HER NAME and she states to her friend and she is so annoying or saying that. LIKE LET ME FINISH. OF COURSE I FEEL HORRIBLE SHE IS DEAD. like it’s not like I’m trying to make fun of her. IDK honestly she is such a reserved emotional biatch that I don’t wish to be with. She over thinks everything, always crushes on a new guy, is nice to EVERYONE ELSE except her own damn family and thinks she is better than all of us. sometimes I can’t deal with her shit. and above all of this she takes me yelling at her as if I’m the crazy ass bitch who is going ham on her and looked upon as the crying victim. LIKE DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT WE CAN BE EMOTIONAL TOO. How would it feel if your family member didn’t treat you like a family member. Sometimes I feel like I have to make up the fact that I have a great sister when she doesn’t even treat me like one. Sometimes I feel like it’s a one sided relationship that’s not worth to keep up. I mean I love her and I wish one day she understands that I do this because I get worried. I hate when people say shit about her or make fun of her for the way she looks or might act. I’m scared if that ever were to happen, and I feel like all my hardwork is just seen through the shadows which she’ll never know of. It just sucks that my own family can’t act as a family back. IDK honestly I want her to go to my PCN but I’m not going to force her. and for once I’d just like a heartfelt apology back. I want to know that she cares. Instead she just sees me as the me older sister. yet when I leave this house all I can think of is that if I move maybe it;s for the better. She doesn’t need me. so why am i still apart of her life. I just get so worried. When I was at rehearsal all I could think about was what happens if something bad happens to her and it’s all my fault because I said horrible things. I did the same thing for papa and look where we are now. and I CANT HELP IT. it’s all my fault. I don’t deserve anything. 

[th3memories]

17

Holy crap. I can finally say that this blog is true to its bio!  YA GIRL GOT ACCEPTED INTO NORTHRIDGE!!!! WOOOOOOOOOO. I mean honestly I had an idea about it last week because the admissions woman said they would admit me into the system next week, but I wanted to make sure. First thing I did was login during history and it told me to change my password. I was pretty confused at first because I had no idea what was going on. Although it said I was finally admitted into the school! which I’m totally psyched for.  

After class was over I was fighting the urge to scream so loud because I’m at another university for one and I just didn’t want to be weird. Later on I went to visit Lolo because I feel like I always have peptalks with him by his grave. I love to update him on my life and how the family is doing. I ended up crying because I’m honesty so thankful for the opportunity but scared as hell for leaving the family like I’ve stated SO MANY TIMES. even worst is that I keep delaying the fact of telling my own mother. I mean I will tell her when I see her but I know part of her heart is going to break... 

Other than that I’m stuck this week dealing with PCN rehearsals because bruh it’s HELL WEEK. kill me but not really. I’m just getting super tired from being here every single day staying as late as 12-1am. Like this what the hell is going on. Although I’m making new friends and bonding with others that I haven’t talked to before. I’m slowly having it fall in place and for it to act like a family. I won’t deny the fact that I get annoyed with some of the others here and there but I guess I’ll accept the fact that they all want the show to be as good as it can be.  

What sucks even more is that after this is over I have to deal right away with SCVC and leave this whole memorial day weekend to hangout with all of them. I have new music to learn and will need to practice my ass off to catch up. Hopefully I’ll get it all down and this summer will be worth it all. everything is moving by SO FAST.

[th3memories]

May is such an emotional month. Cant stop thinking hurting or crying.

[th3memories]

13

It's almost 1am, and swirling thoughts keep rambling my brain. For one I got a smidge of hope about college. A lady emailed me after calling in today saying that "the system will admit me next week saying an acceptance should be expected soon" sooooo maybe??? But I want to wait til the real deal. Then it got me thinking shit if I'm really in I only have less than two weeks here with whoever is still left. Soul sister might already be gone, I'm going to miss my family more than anything, and idk I only have three important people still with me now. Apparently Madre was getting pretty emotional before they picked me up from Dayton. I can't imagine what she must have said but it makes me cry so much more inside. Leaving Grammy already makes me emotional just thinking about it. Maybe it's the fact that she is much older now and I'm scared I won't be there to spend the days with left with her. Yet at the same time I want her to be with us forever. For sissy idk I always want to be there for her no matter what happens. Even though she doesn't always open up to me I know what's going on. Yet idk if she feels the same. I love the fact that I'm a sister and I'm forever greatful I still get the opportunity to be by her side. I just hope... she feels the same at least one day. Idk it's almost a year since papa has been gone and I feel like I'm just continuing the cycle since I won't be home either. Life is going to be harder not just for me but for each of them and idk if im ready to put them all through that. It reminds me of this play I'm currently in. The young girl gabby is stuck in America pursuing her dream while her family is deported and back in the Phillippines. I mean in offered to do so much good but that makes me feel so privileged in its own way... why am I rewarded with such a lifestyle when I feel like I don't even deserve it. Then it makes me sad again because I wish my papa was here to comfort me or at least hold my hand. Why do things get harder when you're older.

[th3memories]

Ma01

When I write in this and look at the bio, it says “my last year in the bay” but honestly I have no idea at this point if it really will be my last year. I’ve been waiting for what it seems like months and weeks to find out if I’ve gotten into my school yet. I have the grades, I was accepted into the music program, I have no probations, units are all being taken and accounted for, passing my classes, and dedicated to intending to register for classes at CSUN. except.... I haven’t heard back from them at all, yet this is really worrying me for one because I like to have my future planned out and at least kind of know what’s coming up next. However I feel like they are going to blindside me from what’s going to happen next and that really worries me. Another point is that this anxiety makes me freak out also about living on my own and just being away from home. 

These past few weekends I’ve been away for awhile going for Dayton and camp. In a way it feels like I barely see my mom, grandmother and sister. I feel like I’ll being crying for days if I actually get in because I would never want to leave them. You think it would be easier since papa isn’t here anymore but it isn’t... I feel like it’s even harder. No one will keep grandma or mom company, especially them. Grammy is getting older and always needs help, Mom i want to be there for because she’s my mom duh. and jehlia idk... in a way I feel like she doesn’t need me anymore except for rides but she’s going to get her license soon anyways. But I would miss her lots tbh if I had to leave her too. Like I’m tearing up just writing about it in the public library omfg. In a way I feel like the world isn’t telling me either because it has to make me want to decide on a decision of what I truly want. I can’t be contemplating for the rest of my days about staying or leaving my family and friends. I have to make a decision. T_T Although I really do hope I hear back from them soon. In order to get people off my back and asking me questions.  

On top of that though this past weekend I spent my time at Overfelt High school playing my ass off on the xylophone for a spot I really really wanted. Man the atmosphere of being in an ensemble to play with really good players can make you stress out to the max. I know that it was making me constantly strive to be on top of my game with whatever I played. From time to time I would make mistakes but it was just a matter of playing it off and trying to jump back on right away. In my opinion I came into the camp thinking I was prepared with at least 90% of the material but little did I know there were many things here and there that kept fucking me over! At most I came out with a rough 70-75% THATS A C!!!! HOLY FUQ. not good man not good. Even worst was that there was another guy trying out for the spot. let’s say his name was Stryke cause that’s where he performed with this past winter season. It’s a group in florida that went to dayton I believe. So yea juggling comments from 4 techs and trying to play better than this guy was an act all it’s own. For some possible chance of luck at the end of the 2nd day I was the one playing the whole time during ensemble with the corps. I literally asked Stryke do you want to go for it, and he said no it’s ok it’s all you. I was wondering like crazy. Dude I can lower it for you if you want and he just kept denying it. At that point I sort of knew what the outcome was going to end up being. Except I felt super bad because the guy ended up sitting out reps and not even trying to play. I mean ok honestly I’ve been in that situation before and know how much it hurts. Although idk... it was just a hard situation overall. but yea by the end of the third day they took me aside and told me “Sorry you will not be able to attend the beach this summer.” and.... I GOT THE SPOT!!! It was such a great feeling honestly, except I had to hold it in and be humble about the whole thing. Except the staff kept telling me that I was doing a great job and I finally felt proud. 

Idk being there with SCVC was a whole different experience I didn’t feel like looking at the clock as often. Instead I was focused on getting better and learning what they had to tell me. They told me I had a really good attitude and that I’m pretty smart so I I would be a great addition to the ensemble :) I’m truly excited for the summer I’m nervous about all the work of pushing, and practicing to get parts perfect but I’m really going to work my ass off in order to get it all right! LETS GO!!!!! So freaking juiced. no more geph LOL just my staff of four who are addicted to hi-chew.