@thanku4themusic - Tumblr Blog

next week i might be seeing a cousin i haven’t seen since i was…10? 11? 12 at most. he would have been 13/14/15 or thereabouts. i remember helping him w his english class hw which for some reason was filling in the missing words of lyrics to an avril lavigne song, one of the two big ones. also for some reason he confided in me about his crush and showed me the letters from her that he hid in his closet and in a moment of wanting to be closer to my girl cousins i told them his secret and they teased him about the crush/letters and i felt terrible but he didn’t seem to hold it against me. now he lives in korea with his wife and kids……well he has always lived there. life feels surreal sometimes

i can’t believe my neighborhood walk smells like guavas

finishing out the end of my work day at a brewery during happy hour that, other than me and my friend, is populated by kids and their parents/guardians and i didn’t catch the end of the question but overheard a set of parents w a ten month old kid talking and the dad said to the mom, “do you think when i’m old, i’ll —”…. it’s tugging at the heart strings. i am in the complex position of not knowing for sure whether i want kids but recognizing that when single people express that they don’t i find them somewhat less attractive whereas i am suddenly more attracted to single people who express a desire for kids. a friend of a friend recently said that if it were up to him he would already be a father of two and i felt an almost physical pull toward him then. anyway writing this post after playing a game of making little faces at each other w aforementioned ten month old behind his mom’s back

i wish my aquarius ex from college would add more playlists to his sp*tify to get me out of my music rut as he has unwittingly done for the last decade…..sadly it seems he stopped making them last year. public ones anyway

unlearn the ways you abandon yourself and when you find you have learned new ways you go ahead and unlearn those too

ready to be alone and unobserved in about 15 hours and excited to dine w friends tmrw evening — talk with, rather than be talked at. and thank god for the temperature drop tmrw, a brief respite. many welcome breaks

related to my last post it’s been funny to parse through therapy what stems from The Trauma versus little “normal life” upbringing things that stayed w me such as the pressure to perform in various areas of life and extremely high standards imposed by my parents and on myself. i wrote off the need to be the perfect daughter as some kind of trope i didn’t relate to and then i realized that literally some of my p*nic att*cks were triggered by “failing” to be whatever person i “needed” to be for that context/moment according to my perceptions of the situation and what others expected of me and i was like damn it lol. turns out i do not talk to my parents about my fears or things im struggling w emotionally or any kind of uncertainty in my life. wonder what that’s about!

dunno if hosting my mom will ever feel completely easy and not full of pressure but for right now i need to remind myself that we actually had a nice time last she was here. and there is inherently less pressure this time because it’s not the first time. i am trying to take even more pressure off by not scrambling to figure out a million things to do and take her to. i have one big thing each loosely in mind for our two full days together and one neighborhood dinner option loosely in mind for one night and im gonna let us figure out the rest live. and i’m going to take it easy because i have my period and i feel tired and heavy. i’ll let her cook and take care of me a little. the ants in my bathroom are not my fault. affirmations for mom visit lol

life is hard and it may never stop being hard bc of the times we live in and my personal circumstances but i catch myself thinking “im happy” more and more often these days. flower vendor at the market earnestly wished me a blessed day as we parted and i feel that benediction

bob dylan hour on the radio heading home from sunday market loaded up w fruits and good cheer

i think people are confused why i’m not dating and i’m like well here’s who i’d rather hang out with: babies and small children, my friends i know and love, myself

having a/c break in 90 degree weather in a third floor walk up on a big hill that is also an apt you just moved into is so fml and then being told by your landlord the ac company will contact you to schedule an appointment and then not hearing from them is so maddening and then finally calling them yourself and being told they can’t come today but “probably” can “sometime this week” takes the cake. i’m so cranky bc it was too hot to sleep so i hardly did and i snapped at my mom on the phone bc she was getting worked up and not being helpful. but then the woman at the coffee shop was so so nice. not overly chipper or friendly just really kind and easygoing, she said “take your time” literally but also everything about her demeanor said it, she explained like 10% more than “necessary,” was patient — and was this way w not just me but everyone i saw her interact w. i could practically hear myself whirring down after that. this perfect stranger somehow calmed me down just w her genuine chill vibes im truly in awe, she didn’t do anything notable per se and yet her presence was very much so. sending a big thank you to her in my heart

thanku4themusic

i have never properly packed for a move and i fear that the way i pack would only make sense to my dad. it assumes multiple car trips and i prioritize distribution of weight over grouping things together that belong together or to the same room and not all my boxes are taped closed and i use plenty of ikea blue bags and double bagged brown paper bags in lieu of boxes and plenty of medium sized boxes on the smaller side over large boxes and i treat drawers as boxes. every other box is labeled fragile bc it is. to me. it looks chaotic and feels chaotic and is more trips up and down stairs but i would rather move more, lighter boxes than fewer, heavier boxes or even box things up for movers lol

thanku4themusic

this is like the kids i went to grade school with who when the teacher came around to collect homework they would be like why isn’t your math worksheet in your math folder and the kid would be like oh hold up. and go to their locker and fish out their science binder and it would be crumpled up in there with some permission slip they also have to turn in and the teacher would raise an eyebrow but literally every homework collection would be some version of this but they would always know every time in what corner of their belongings it was

i have never properly packed for a move and i fear that the way i pack would only make sense to my dad. it assumes multiple car trips and i prioritize distribution of weight over grouping things together that belong together or to the same room and not all my boxes are taped closed and i use plenty of ikea blue bags and double bagged brown paper bags in lieu of boxes and plenty of medium sized boxes on the smaller side over large boxes and i treat drawers as boxes. every other box is labeled fragile bc it is. to me. it looks chaotic and feels chaotic and is more trips up and down stairs but i would rather move more, lighter boxes than fewer, heavier boxes or even box things up for movers lol

i’ve officially gotten to the worst part of packing: living amidst boxes, everything nearly packed but nothing completely packed, looking for things i packed away bc i was certain i wouldn’t need them for a few days to a couple of weeks, bumping into boxes, waiting to hear back from various people re: moving logistics, wanting to skip ahead to the unpacking part. also nowhere to sit and it’s dusty and i’m sweaty and why god do i have so much stuff

i don’t enjoy the actual schlepping of belongings part but i do like the taking down of things/putting things in boxes/culling things to donate part of moving…….

i’m so glad i decided to start believing in my own agency

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