Sometimes I wonder if people can really dried out their tears of crying, like would there be a time when you don't have tears anymore and even if you continue to cry, no tears will come out your eyes. It never does, and it surprises me how much tears can be produced from this tiny body. I am writing this, so that the older me when looking back can see how foolish at this time I was, as to remind me of a time I should never forget in my life. A time I am drowning myself in my own tears and misery. If there is any pain greater or can be equally compared to the pain of helplessly losing your love ones, it can only be the pain of purposely losing one even before the love begins. Or at least that was what I thought. No thinking and there will be no connection, no love. But it was not right. Love was there and the connection was there from the moment the new life started inside me. I had no choice. I have to tell myself this all the time. But is that even right? I know leading myself in my situation now, I was wrong from the beginning. But I had no idea this could be so hard. Yes, I had an abortion. Could have been my first child. Maybe, was. I left behind the ones who really love and care for me, to be with someone who slapped into my face just because of me crying after my abortion. Our. This is not only my problem. This is ours. The fault was mine, but it was his as well. I took all the hard parts, and yet dying with a sorrow heart right next to the one I thought I could actually be with for the rest of my life, and he just, doesn't care. Was it raining today that makes things so gloomy? Why do I know all of these stupid unfair things and still couldnt walk away? Because of the guilts? The guilt connects me to him, because at least for now, more than anyone else, he knows what I am going through. He knows, but he doesn't understand. He looks, but he doesn't see. He hears, but he doesn't listen. His heart, is too far away from mine and no matter how hard it is, how many things I have to go through, I would never get it, I know. As the realistic me, I should just run away as soon as I can get back on my feet. I know that is totally the best thing to do. But I am also afraid of me being weak again. This is the first time I ever was emotionally tied to a relationship like this, and it is also the worst time. I really don't see any bright things for now. But I need to be tough, I know, and also I need to get myself through this. Maybe I can start my new life somewhere else, with people who don't know my past, with new environments. Maybe that is the best for me. I dont know if I can make it, but for now, I need to live on. Because I chose this.
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