Summer Child

blog for my messy wip poetry

[that-kiwi-writes]

What is Love? (baby don't hurt me)

It used to be a word I used sparingly, scared it would lose meaning with each tick. Now I realize that love is everywhere, if you know where to look.

For me, love feels like a well without a bottom. A feeling that carries immense weight, yet knows no bounds.

I've felt love from the depths of my soul in so many different ways, for so many different people. It can hurt, it can be kind, it can be euphoric. It will always be hard.

And so I take this day to reflect on what it means to love, and how to love those I don't agree with, those who hurt me, those who care, those who make me smile and laugh and feel just as loved as I feel for them.

Familial, friendship, aesthetic, and romantic, I've experienced in ways that defy any words I could attempt. Love in itself has its own nonverbal category. A feeling, a race of the heart, A dash to catch someone as they fall, heartbreak knowing you have to let poeple make their own mistakes.

Love is hard. Love is human. Love does not need to be a word reserved.

[that-kiwi-writes]

Nobody talks about when the feelings come back.

When you feel the tears again settle in, ready to pour

Over nothing

Over everything

And it almost feels like too much.

But the truth is that the little pills took away too much, and this,

This isn’t what you felt before, but what it feels like to be human

The apathy wasn’t you being cured, but a way to ignore

To be more palatable to others who can’t take that you feel so much more

But then you find yourself jumping at just a joke,

As you feel the joy begin to poke in again like an old friend,

And everything is worth the balance you struck as the feelings came back.

[that-kiwi-writes]

Engaged

In tom- no, just foolery I think. Too scared of being alone  But still I’ve never been one to judge.

My stone remains firmly in my hands,  taken others over your actions but still I will never be the one to throw.

I just hate my pattern recognition. Knowing the way this will end, With your mask shattered once again on the ground next to your heart. 

I’m watching your fall like an inevitable crash in slow motion,  knowing you won’t let me catch you And why do I keep trying? 

So you can ignore all the bad parts,  Like the fairytales we give to children. Only you’re not Peter Pan, 

And eventually the story gets scary, And I hate that you’ll face it alone. 

[that-kiwi-writes]

What are your thoughts on commitment?

Commitment is your favorite word, Although the meaning seems lost.  Wedding bells your favorite tune, Funny considering your love is like a dune In wind you let your feelings thrash about

Here and there and everywhere yet Somehow I’m the one that’s a mess?  My room endearing but my heart Learning,  Yearning, or perhaps just Too much.

Patiently waiting because you wont cut me loose, Keeping me close, but your indifference is clutching Around my neck I still wear our symbols and don’t think I haven’t noticed the shield you can’t seem to 

Trashed, thrashed, I sleep so I don’t drown in a bottle Of all my stuffed down emotions,  To keep things easy, avoiding the nights that “weren’t how this was supposed to go” 

“Out with friends” although when pressed you won’t let out My name seems like poison to you, your  Dirty little secrets, I wonder how many you carry, Because your story still doesn’t add up. 

Yet here I find myself, unable to let up Because one day, when you find your voice,  We can have a real conversation about your thoughts on commitment.

[that-kiwi-writes]

Whispers to -Who...?

Recently I’ve found myself sat, hands clasped. Raised to who, I fear I haven’t the faintest clue.

And yet, there they remain with such vigor; A comfort provided that I can’t figure out or place. Time and space are mocking my plight, asking just who I’m hoping is hearing my-

Not prayers, no, at least that isn’t the intent. But nobody is around to listen to me vent. Asking for strength, from who or what?

My qualm with my pressed palms remains, as I bear the weight of what it means to know that in this world of balance, believing in any God feels a little in vain. Only I can make something of this pain.

[that-kiwi-writes]

Who I love the most

I wonder who will meet me at the pearly gates,

which love of my life will await?

The boy who taught me how to love,

Or the partner that stayed?

or the woman with the tea,

who's lived in my memory as long as I can speak of—

who makes me wonder about an afterlife just so I can see her again.

If I fall in love again, who would I consider the truest?

in a room of the people I adore,

I wonder who my eyes would first try to find.

Would my answer be found within that gaze?

[madgirlscosm-deactivated2025102]

[that-kiwi-writes]

Trust me, you said.

I’m holding a bomb for you 

The sensible thing to do is put it down, 

But it feels impossible 

letting go of the hope that makes up its contents, 

Even though I know there never will be an us again.

Waiting for the boom, my senses heighten, 

Nevertheless, my grasp only seems to tighten.

Waiting for you, while you’ve the sense to stay a safe distance away, 

only the wire cutters in your back pocket will catch my fiery display

You said a bomb defused was harmless, right? 

Yet you can't hide lingering fear for all it represents.

Even an inert device carries the burden of wariness. 

Loving you was never supposed to feel like the countdown

But you haven’t come back to cut me free,

and so I worry what we will be.

After all, nobody has forced me here, inert without any PPE

And yet, I’ve strapped the thing to my chest,

Accepted my ‘fate’ to bear alone in my fortress 

built on dreams of a future that will never be.

3…

2…-