An Open Letter About Why I Can’t Be Around You
I can’t. I simply can not take being around you anymore. Why? I’ll tell you. Because it’s mostly your fault. My life was fine prior to you just walking-or I guess I should say driving- in it. Now you’re sashaying around my house like it’s where you’ve always needed to be. Like you’re finally Home after running for years.
Don’t get me wrong, seeing you so happy makes me so happy. Because if anyone deserves it, it’s you. And you have your perks. You clean up without being asked, you help me with these little things I’ve been meaning to do, and you work on my truck- and I don’t even have to beg you. In fact, I didn’t even mention it, you saw it needed to be done and did it.
So why can’t I stand you? Because. You’re funny. And sweet. And you’ve got these eyes that could pierce the dark. You stand just close enough to me to make me clam up but not close enough to cross lines.
And the bad part is, you may not even know that you know you’re doing all this. But I kind of think you do. And that’s why you make eye contact with me and hold it until I’m red and have to break it. Maybe it’s why you put on Cardi and said “come onnnn. Ride with me up there”. Up there. As in up to the next house that’s technically walking distance.
Maybe you do know what you’re doing. Is that why when we had the party two nights ago you leaned over and asked “you good?”? Because your words drifted through the dark and sent chills up my spine.
I can’t be around you anymore because it’s not fair to him. He didn’t ask for this. He thought he was just helping you out. Getting you on your feet again. And us. We’re supposed to be getting married. Arguably, things hadn’t been great prior to you coming and you know we’ve been at each other’s throats since you’ve been here. But I love him. More than anything. I mean for gods sakes we’re getting married.
I can’t be around you anymore because when you lock eyes with me and start to half smile it becomes unfair to him that my stomach fills up with butterflies and my head spins and my heart races. He doesn’t deserve that. It becomes unfair to me because I don’t deserve the confusion. It becomes unfair to you because you don’t deserve to get your hopes up for someone who won’t act on your feelings.
I can’t be around you anymore because the organic change growing deep in my chest is better left unexplored-
And your last message is better left unread.
