Loveletters And Cigarettes

This is a place for my personal writings and inner thoughts.

[mostlymousy]

An Open Letter About Why I Can’t Be Around You

I can’t. I simply can not take being around you anymore. Why? I’ll tell you. Because it’s mostly your fault. My life was fine prior to you just walking-or I guess I should say driving- in it. Now you’re sashaying around my house like it’s where you’ve always needed to be. Like you’re finally Home after running for years.

Don’t get me wrong, seeing you so happy makes me so happy. Because if anyone deserves it, it’s you. And you have your perks. You clean up without being asked, you help me with these little things I’ve been meaning to do, and you work on my truck- and I don’t even have to beg you. In fact, I didn’t even mention it, you saw it needed to be done and did it.

So why can’t I stand you? Because. You’re funny. And sweet. And you’ve got these eyes that could pierce the dark. You stand just close enough to me to make me clam up but not close enough to cross lines.

And the bad part is, you may not even know that you know you’re doing all this. But I kind of think you do. And that’s why you make eye contact with me and hold it until I’m red and have to break it. Maybe it’s why you put on Cardi and said “come onnnn. Ride with me up there”. Up there. As in up to the next house that’s technically walking distance.

Maybe you do know what you’re doing. Is that why when we had the party two nights ago you leaned over and asked “you good?”? Because your words drifted through the dark and sent chills up my spine.

I can’t be around you anymore because it’s not fair to him. He didn’t ask for this. He thought he was just helping you out. Getting you on your feet again. And us. We’re supposed to be getting married. Arguably, things hadn’t been great prior to you coming and you know we’ve been at each other’s throats since you’ve been here. But I love him. More than anything. I mean for gods sakes we’re getting married.

I can’t be around you anymore because when you lock eyes with me and start to half smile it becomes unfair to him that my stomach fills up with butterflies and my head spins and my heart races. He doesn’t deserve that. It becomes unfair to me because I don’t deserve the confusion. It becomes unfair to you because you don’t deserve to get your hopes up for someone who won’t act on your feelings.

I can’t be around you anymore because the organic change growing deep in my chest is better left unexplored-

And your last message is better left unread.

[mostlymousy]

Today you told me that you love me.

And that you so wish things had turned out differently for us. But why? Why did you wait until I was in a serious relationship? Why couldn’t you tell me when I was picking you up in the middle of the night when you were drunk? Or when I was at every show I could make it to of yours? Or when I proved I’d do anything for you. You waited until there was zero chance of an “Us” and then told me.

Honey, I love you, but not the way I once did.

[mostlymousy]

I know they sold your old Lincoln ages ago. And what would you care? You’ve got that new car. But every time I pass by your uncles shop I can’t help but scan the lot for it still sitting there. Power steering leak and my white dress I never took out of your back seat.

— Things I just can’t say to you anymore.

[mostlymousy]

You haunt my dreams, my thoughts, my memories. All I want is to listen to a song and not hear you singing along in my head. Are you okay? Are your cats getting along? Are you still in the tiny apartment you kissed me in for the last time? I’ve moved on. We could never be lovers again, or at least I don’t think we could be. So why are you ALWAYS on my mind. Your memory keeps me up at night. I’m not even allowed to be fully happy because I’m haunted by the way you’d make me laugh like no other and all of your mothers Facebook posts. I miss you. But not in the way that I miss your touch or kisses. But I fee like I killed part of myself when I left you.

A declaration I’m forced to keep to myself.

[tritower]

“I think a lot about killing myself, not like a point on a map but rather like a glowing exit sign at a show that’s never been quite bad enough to make me want to leave. See, when I’m up I don’t kill myself because holy shit, there’s so much left to do! When I’m down I don’t kill myself because then the sadness would be over and the sadness is my old paint under the new, the sadness is the house fire or the broken shoulder: I’d still be me without it, but I’d be so boring.”

— Neil Hilborn ‘The Future’

[mostlymousy]

I suppose that sometime soon I will stop wasting time looking at your social media, but how can I not when you haunt my dreams and flood my memories?

Some Feelings I’m Forced To Keep To Myself.

[mostlymousy]

I suppose a thank you is in order

Because you ushered in the beginning of the end of something incredibly toxic. Because when I met you in March I realized I actually wanted something different than what I had. I realized that love didn’t make you feel like less than a person. It didn’t hurt or make you sad. It didn’t shove you off and refuse to give you any kind of intimacy. And while maybe I didn’t end up with you what’s certain is that I didn’t marry someone who made me ashamed of my own skin. And for that I thank you.

[radmouse]

One day I will tell you I love you

Because you are lovely and you deserve to know.

But I worry too much about the what if’s.

What if it’s too soon?

What if he doesn’t feel the same?

What if it causes him to pull back?

One day I will tell you that I love you

Because I do.

[mostlymousy]

So last night

I was sitting there with my ENTIRE world falling apart and I was crying and crying and then it hit me. And I desperately wanted to cut. I haven't since January 2016. But it was screaming my name last night. And then something crazy happened. Brian from work called. And he just started telling me about his day and his favorite songs and what films he's been into lately. And it was so odd that he called and that's why I answered because I had no idea why he would call. But he completely prevented me from cutting and losing my progress.

[mostlymousy]

Meet me in between the second and third floor stairs in the back of the building where it's so quiet and the lighting is so strange and the old 1970's pink painted halls merge with that hospital yellow and kiss me long enough to alter reality- if only for a moment.

-Words I could never say to you out loud.

[mostlymousy]

The Lone Wolf That Made Me Feel Whole.

"I lay here for the first time since you've left. You packed up and headed back to your corner of heaven. Corner of heaven. That's how you described Arkansas to me. Hot but not miserable. Lots of open space and forest and rivers. And zero space for bad things. But to me, The corner of heaven was the way you'd look at me in the patio light after a night of drinking. It was the way you wore your hair. It was the glossiness of your eyes at 1:45. It was the way you told me everything you felt It was the first moment of a different kind of gaze. It was you here in Texas laughing over tacos. It was the way the right side of your mouth would curl up first before you started grinning. And now I lay where you did just three weeks ago. The sheets envelope my skin and my tired bones Wrapping me up in a cocoon of your scent and memories. Knowing you're gone but zero strength to send that text. The text telling you I miss you. The text telling you it's okay. The text telling you to come back to me. Instead I just lay here. Just hoping you'd come back here. But it's miserably hot here in this big city. And you'll find bad things in every corner. And you never were one to be caged. So I'll stare at the moon but I won't scream your name. I'll just look at it and remember your laugh under it. Because you are a self proclaimed lone wolf. You let the wind and moon take you anywhere. And I was nothing more to you than a young fool who got caught in your moonlight path." - Something I would have said had the time been right.

[thatchicklauryn]

Dear Tim,

It’s been a year since my mom called corporate and you admitted “you messed up”. So it’s been a year since you quit. It’s been a year since the lowest point of my life. But what’s funny is a year ago I had no clue that I’d be in the best relationship of my life just one year later. Kind of crazy what a year can do? Anyways, I hope you’re not okay. I hope you’re miserable. I hope it feels like the sun never shines and I hope you’re destroying your liver to deal with the guilt. I hope those friends stopped coming around and I hope my words haunt you, even a year later. I hope it creeps up on you at random and you remember that time you heard me tell you I tried taking my life because you took what I could never get back. Because that’s what you deserve. But I’ll admit, you taught me something. And that is how to tear someone a new one with my words. There’s lots of pinned up anger towards you. Not just from me. From everyone around me.

[thequotejournals]

To write is also not to speak. It is to keep silent. It is to howl noiselessly.

Marguerite Duras (via thequotejournals)

[mostlymousy]

"I never got to find out his favorite color, or his family's Christmas traditions. But I had his brown eyes, lanky structure, and need for security sweaters memorized by heart. Maybe we never became what I had hoped for but we were exactly what I had wanted."

-Reminiscing on the boy from college who desperately wanted to be a film maker

[mostlymousy]

Dear Tim,

Two years. Two years since you made the conscious decision to take advantage of a 17 year old girl. I don't go in your old store anymore. The people who know just look at me with pity on their eyes and the soar aisle gives me anxiety. I finally told your pal what he really meant to me. Two and a half years of me just wishing that I meant to him a fraction of what he meant to me. But I don't want him now. He knows that. Because see now I have someone who loves me for me. He loves me despite what you did. He loves me despite what dealing with the grief almost made me do. He loves me. He holds me when I wake up from nightmares and honestly, let's just hope he never sees you in person. You are his biggest enemy. And my mothers hate fire burns solely because of you. I told Facebook what you did. I didn't use your name but enough detail so people know exactly who did what. I hope you're fucking miserable. I hope the conversation we had about me attempting to end my life due to your actions hangs over you daily. I hope you look back on how good you had it thinking you were a big man because you "got some" from a 17 year old. Go on. Ask your friends. Ask them what they think of a 43 year old man sleeping with a 17 year old girl that he employed. I'm sure they'll be so proud. For the record, You didn't sleep with a 17 year old girl. It was not a romantic time. You raped me. THAT is your title. Rapist.

[mostlymousy]

"You said you wouldn't and you fucking did."

gnash

[mostlymousy]

Dear Tim,

Last night in the dark at 2:18AM I came clean to him about what you did. It's closing in on two years and I can still feel your fingers running over my skin. Your face comes back to me in nightmares often and it's hard for me to go back to my hometown. But what happened when I told him wasn't quite what I expected. He was angry with you. Very angry. I told him everything. Even about how I wanted to just end my life. I could see a small amount of shock on his face, even in the dark. But then he hugged me. And he told me he understood. And told me of his own struggles. Then said words I could have only hoped I'd hear from him someday. "You're my whole world. You're my girl." Then he hugged me and told me I'd never have to be sad alone again. So I guess what I'm saying is look out because I'm taking my fucking life back from your grip.