[thatdudewiththeweirdname]

Fight

I really didn't want to write this.

I've been putting it off for weeks.

Running from my problems just makes it worse though,

I know avoiding it won’t help me find what I seek.

There's so much that I need to say.

I'm not even sure where to start.

I’m just ready to unpack this,

To get this baggage out of my heart.

It’s been six months.

I thought I’d be through this by now.

Since I finally stood up for myself,

I felt the past would leave me somehow.

As hard as I try to deny it,

That just isn't the case.

This week made me realize that,

And this is something that I have to face.

I know that I'm different now.

My old habits continue to break.

Yet the habit that’s the most harmful,

I just can't seem to shake.

I continuously overthink.

I read into every single detail.

I’ve tried just shutting out those thoughts,

But of course, it’s to no avail.

I’m trying my best to reach out.

I think I’ve even made a new friend.

Still, my mind keeps screaming at me.

It’s saying, “You know this is going to end.”

I’m accustomed to walking on eggshells.

Constantly avoiding bringing about destruction.

I don’t have a reason to do that now though,

My habits and fears are just an obstruction.

I know this to be the truth,

Yet my fears will not stop growing.

“What if I say the wrong thing? Am I too much?”

“If I can prevent the worst, is there any way of knowing?”

“Am I just a nuisance? A problem?”

“Am I just seen as unstable?”

“Am I saying too much, or too little?”

“What if I’m just given another label?”

I want to be able to trust people again.

I want to be able to take them at their word.

I want to believe that what they say is true,

To not second guess everything I’ve heard.

This isn't just harmful to me.

It isn't fair to new people in my life.

They’ve done nothing to justify these thoughts,

I have no reason to believe there’s a knife.

I want to come out and apologize,

Just in case I’ve let my thoughts overtake.

I don’t think anyone has seen this side of me,

But it's hard for me to determine which thoughts are fake.

This whole situation terrifies me.

The last thing that I want to do is confess.

I don’t want people to feel like my problems are theirs.

I don’t want to bring about any added stress.

I’ve lost six close friends over the years.

I know that I really shouldn't keep count.

I’m just so devoted to correcting my mistakes,

That I won’t let go of what I couldn’t surmount.

I know it wasn’t all my fault.

The majority of those friendships were bad for me.

That’s why I have to face this now.

The baggage won’t allow me to stop the worst from happening.

Though I’m horrified to put this out there,

I needed to own up to my current condition.

I need it to be understood that I’m still healing,

That others aren’t at fault for my blurred vision.

Like I said, I didn’t want to write this.

I know that it’s all over the place.

Finally admitting all of this has been painful,

But growing often requires a change of pace.

I’m done losing people.

My mind will lie to me no longer.

I’m not going to let the past destroy my future,

I’m going to learn from my failures, and become stronger.

Looking back, I wasn't always like this.

That’s proof enough that I will see the light.

I’ve changed so much, and I’m not where I was,

So not just for myself, but for others,

I will win this fight.

[lyricsithinkaboutalot]

Trust is like the middle of the ocean

Can't see the bottom but I'm floating here, supported

I know that it can take me even deeper if I let it

But my limbs are trying to swim away

[lyricsithinkaboutalot]

I can feel a kick down in my soul

And it's pulling me back to earth to let me know

I am not a slave, can't be contained

So pick me from the dark and pull me from the grave

[lyricsithinkaboutalot]

Maybe fear can't define all the walls 'til you enter

And even blood couldn't find who you are at the center

Could it be that you're more than the scars on the surface

As the heat is beneath all the ash of the embers

[lyricsithinkaboutalot]

I hold my life out in front of me, dreams of who I wanna be

I'm seeing every empty page

But I find that everything I am is everything I should be

But I don't need to run away

[lyricsithinkaboutalot]

How great a joy it is to see

This hidden gold in dried up streams

I'll grow in this discovery

And rest in what it'll bring

[lyricsithinkaboutalot]

[lyricsithinkaboutalot]

Though I am bruised, face of contusions

Know I’ll keep moving

[lyricsithinkaboutalot]

Begin with bullet, now add fire to the proof

But I'm still not sure if fear's a rival or close relative to truth

Either way it helps to hear these words bounce off of you

The softest echo could be enough for me to make it through

[lyricsithinkaboutalot]

In time, I will leave the city

For now, I will stay alive

[lyricsithinkaboutalot]

Last year I felt suicidal

This year I might do something different like talking to God

[lyricsithinkaboutalot]

I know you been there for me through all of my worst moments

And I know it hurts knowing that I carry this weight on my chest

Making it difficult for me to open up and connect

Lot of regrets, I apologize for all of the stress

That's not what I meant to do, you know I love you to death

[lyricsithinkaboutalot]

I don't see you like I should

You look so misunderstood

And I wish I could help

But it's hard when I hate myself

Pray to God with my arms open

If this is it then I feel hopeless

And I wish I could help

But it's hard when I hate myself

[lyricsithinkaboutalot]

What was the moment I caved and gave away all of my faith and made a replacement?

[lyricsithinkaboutalot]

Grab my hand, I'm drowning

I feel my heart pounding

Why haven't you found me yet?

I hold you so proudly

Traumas, they surround me

I wish you'd just love me back

[lyricsithinkaboutalot]

In the future where will I be?

[lyricsithinkaboutalot]

Like a river to a raindrop

I lost a friend