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This is a safe space. To slow down. To breathe. To reflect. To ask ourselves those questions that we don’t even dare to whisper. To listen and to hear ourselves for the first time. To dive deeper into this world, our mind and our heart.♡

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- Is it the end of it?

an exclusive tarot pick a pile reading ♡

piles → one and two ♡

How much is enough? How much intention, energy, patience, and hard work of ours is enough, when it comes to our desires, to our goals that we chase until the world around us becomes blurred, until we lose sight of our fears and doubts, and with them of ourselves too, sacrificing everything we are made of? Where lies the line? Where is the limit to how much we should give, before accepting that it is enough, that it is not worth it? Or… perhaps that we already took everything we were allowed to take with us?

There is something here, in your life, in this very moment… Something that you are holding onto. Even thought it doesn’t sit right with you anymore, even though it makes you uneasy, the thought of being bonded to it forever… There is something to which you dedicated yourself so fiercely, daringly, ignoring every voice that said that it was wrong for you, not fitting. Something, someone, who doesn’t resonate with you anymore, doesn’t speak to your soul, doesn’t even hear it. But that, still, for one reason or another, you are unable to leave behind, to cut that string that is pulling you, only becoming tighter… Is this only a phase? Is there still a chance for things to get better, or how they used to, as the season changes and this situation starts to bloom again for you? Or was it all that it had for you, all those moments that became lessons and treasured memories? Is it time to wait for more, to be strong and patient, or to let go once and for all, saying the last goodbyes to them and to the version of you that believed that these were the right choices?

Slow down for a moment. Breathe. Soften your gaze into this painting, into its details. Allow them to speak to you, to call you, to that one pile that holds a message for you.♡

So... which pile is calling you..?

Pile One

Pile Two

Remaining time: 6 days 19 hours

- Pile One,

(the child: the temperance and the seven of swords)

It didn’t quite work out, in the end, as you expected it… No matter how many times you stood your ground, found the way to come back to your chosen path, survived every obstacle that tried to push you out of it… It still didn’t work out as you wanted. It never became that one thing, never realised that potential, that you saw in it… It did progress, it did grow, it gave you some results and rewards… And yet, every single one of them felt so heavy, when you received it. Almost like you are not strong enough to hold it or, perhaps, not strong enough to make it believable that you really did all that on your own, that you are worthy of it... (continue reading...)

- Pile Two,

(the rider: the justice and the knight of coins)

For some, and for you too, it might seem obvious at times, from certain perspectives… That this is it. That this journey lasted long enough for this moment, this situation, this obstacle… be its rightful conclusion, the beginning of an ending that is happening exactly like it is supposed to. And yet… There is still something there, sparkling, blinking at you, every single time a doubt crosses your mind. A very specific one - and what if this is not the end? What if there is still more that you could find here if only you wait for a moment?... (continue reading...)

#thatfrailsoul #thatfrailsoul: readings #tarot #tarot reading #pick a pile reading #divination #spirituality #oracle #message for you #tarot guidance #guidance #pac reading #tarot blog

Was having a little bit of a moment. Tears that I couldn't control. Started to whisper to myself that everything will be okay somehow, that I promise that everything will be okay... Then I turn around and see 1:11 on the clock.

#maybe everything will be okay #maybe it's a sign for you too #goodnight #♡

thatfrailsoul

- A distraction from your hardships

a little tarot reading about your next victory ♡

"A playful distraction", by Frederik Hendrik Kaemmerer.♡

We give so much to that one single moment. So many hopes, faith, patience. Hard work, intention, sacrifice, over and over again… We give it so much, and yet, sometimes, it just feels not enough. It feels like, almost, that moment of victory simply doesn’t want to come. Could it be because it takes much longer? Or did we miss something in the process? Are we, perhaps, pursuing something that is never supposed to be ours..? We don’t know it really, we just can’t. So we keep on hoping, a little confused, a little anxious, trying to have faith that we will be able to make something out of all of this, someday…

But, this time, our victory wants to speak to us. It wants to reassure us, as it sees us slowly getting lost between these doubts. That victory, the one of many, that will come sooner, that we are so much closer now to… Wants to give us a little sign, a little message, so we know where our last steps should be headed. So, slow down, take a deep breath. And gaze. Into every detail of this painting, into every pile, into every message that hides behind them. And follow the one that calls you more now.

piles → one, two and three ♡

- Pile One,

(the bouquet: the ten of wands and the king of cups)

You are probably looking frenetically through these lines, in hopes to find faster the words that reflect a desire of yours, describe so perfectly at least one of the many journeys you are struggling on… But this victory of yours, the one that is awaiting you, counting minutes, seconds, until your encounter - is something hidden, something sudden. Something that you are not noticing now, not even would think about as an advantageous success…

It is something that is so close to you, yet doesn’t really receive your attention. Something that you used to love, to cherish, to nurture with your hopes… Until you simply didn’t have the strength to keep on doing it, to keep on caring for something that wasn’t changing your life, your world, as you hoped it would.

It is a victory that will be brought to you, gifted, somehow. Some words that will bring the memories to the surface, a sudden free moment, and a needed and connected to it object that will come out of nowhere… It will come back to you, at once. And you will face it, first infuriated: you don’t have time now. Then saddened: even if you do it, it won’t serve any purpose, it won’t make your current situation worth it. But then…then it will be just surrendering. To the curiosity, to the nostalgia, to the wander of if you would still like it, if you can still do it, even after all of this…

A simple moment and action of coming back to yourself, suddenly but intentionally. The act of accepting the proposal of the life to slow down for a moment, to be only with yourself, to exist only for you…

It seems so little, insignificant, actually even frustrating. And yet this will be the little but most valuable victory in this phase of your life - the one that will give you real rest and strength for the moment, and for the future, for the work that you will need to keep on doing.

It’s not a given, the power that holds the action of nurturing ourselves, doing what we love, what unwindes our mind and relaxes our body. And you know it, but you do not remember, truly, how does it feel like.

And this victory of yours, this victory of the life and your inner self that will finally be able to break through your rush, and anxiety, and fears, and doubts, and urgency…. Will quite literally change everything. One single little moment. One act of remembering and feeling. Will change the way you see and perceive all other battles that you are fighting. It will change the value that you will give them, the power over you, their importance. And at the same time, change how much of you you give to them.

From that one moment on, your journeys will start to feel and be different. One little victory, that will lead to many others, just through the way it will impact you deeply. One little thing, that was so worthless in your eyes to keep on nurturing in these difficult times of struggling… Will be the one to nurture you, to give back to you, exactly what you need to make everything else to work out.♡

- Pile Two,

(the tree: the ten of wands and the seven of cups)

The victory that is waiting for you… Is such an important, precious, one. A victory that you looked for in all those countless books, and advices, and tutorials and tips… In the voices and whispers of all those people that, supposedly, know exactly what you have and what your body needs… A victory that, no matter how many sources and things you’ve tried, just seems hidden, unavailable to you who is loosing yourself, not recognising the person in the mirror…

Your victory, is the one of health, to put it simply. A victory that was long overdue, the one for which you fought with all the last strength you’ve had in you… It’s finally here. Your body, your mind, your heart… Whatever was feeling too heavy, too tired, too consumed by all these ‘‘magical’’ medicines, habits, and routines… Will start to finally, and really, get better.

Because you did your best, in researching. In staying open but also true to what you were feeling, and that others couldn’t quite understand for whatever reason. You did your best in trying, and most importantly protecting, your own self. By never ceasing this search, never, completely, losing the hope. And it all simply… paid off.

It might not look like now, in this exact moment, but you are starting to feel better, you did find something that was really worth it. A little simple thing, among all the others that you’ve tried. But still, one that is starting already now to influence you, to fight back your burden.

It might take some time to understand which one is it, the thing, the method, that is truly working. But, at the same time, as you will start to notice it more and more, in how you feel, in how life feels better, this understanding and discovery of what you really needed all this time, won’t come alone - it will bring in with it all the other things that you might need from now on. Funds, methods, knowledge, ideas. People that got through the same and have their experience to share, or the ones that studied it and can really guide you… Even the ones that always have been there but never took you seriously - they will all start to gravitate towards you, and help you, gently, delicately. Assisting you in this recovery.

The worst is in the past, you’ve overcome and won over it. You resisted for a long time, you’ve endure it. And now, almost with the same rhythm as the one this world has, with its new season, it will all just be different.

You reached for it for so long, and now you will finally have it, the one of the most precious things we could ever have - the one of feeling good, the one of feeling better.♡

- Pile Three,

(the cross: the three of coins and the eight of wands)

There are so many things to organise, to resolve, to plan… So many things that still don’t have any progress, any tangible and serious results, anything that could put your mind and anxiety to rest… There are just so many things in your life that are not quite like you want and need them to be that… it all just feels the same, quite frankly. Just a big cluster of stuff that doesn’t work, of problems, of challenges that you are keeping on enduring seemingly all alone. It all seems and feels too heavy, to heavy to live and try to lift on your own… But, fortunately, it seems like you won’t even need to do it anymore.

Not for everything, not all at once, but some things seem to be getting ready to leave you, to allow others to take care of them, and free you from these burdens… Different things, different situations, different areas of your life and, also, different people that are coming towards you, knowing or having exactly what you need.

Because it is indeed not your fault that things are like this, that there is this quiet chaos all around you. It’s just that you are alone, dealing with it, trying to figure out things in which you don’t even have any knowledge. Some things are new to you, others just can’t be changed no matter how hard you could try to move them, because it doesn’t depend on you, or this moment is just not right… There are so many things, actually, that you’ve been trying to resolve but that simply are not yours to handle.

And this is why it will be one of those victories that is subtle but so powerful: it won’t be one, but many of them, little ones, all around your life and situations. Little details that will be taken care of, seemingly effortlessly, because of a coincidence, moved out of your way by someone else, just so easily that it could even frustrate you... And yet, it won’t be to show you what else you could’ve done or where you could’ve do better - it will be to show you how not even one of the failures that you associated with yourself were really yours to take the blame for.

One after another things will be sorted out, adjusted, organised, guided, by others that will come and go from your life, perhaps only passing by. But it will be enough to shake it all up, to clear the path, to give you space. Space to actually slow down and take a deep breath. Space to start to create the life you want, with things that you can and know how to control.♡

pmamtraveller

"Beneath The Golden Willow"

Ed Perkins.

- A distraction from your hardships

a little tarot reading about your next victory ♡

"A playful distraction", by Frederik Hendrik Kaemmerer.♡

piles → one, two and three ♡

- Pile One,

(the bouquet: the ten of wands and the king of cups)

- Pile Two,

(the tree: the ten of wands and the seven of cups)

You reached for it for so long, and now you will finally have it, the one of the most precious things we could ever have - the one of feeling good, the one of feeling better.♡

- Pile Three,

(the cross: the three of coins and the eight of wands)

Pastries for breakfast and, for a moment, everything seems fine again.♡

#i just love love #love #pastries #thatfrailsoul: notes

thatfrailsoul

- The reason behind all of it

a tarot reading ♡

piles → one, two and three ♡

It is incredible how much it doesn’t matter, is it? How it seems to not have any value -the intention, the desire, the willingness to make a connection work, to save it… When the other person is simply already too far away, even though you can still touch them, you can still hear their breath right next to you… It doesn’t matter. Nothing seems enough or the right thing. Not even your own heart’s pieces. And the only thing left to do is to question everything, every moment shared, every memory created. Were those things not enough, or were you not enough to satisfy them?

These are only questions, wonders, really. And yet they are so heavy, on your heart and mind, even after some time has passed, even after you thought you let go and healed… But they are the ones to not free you, not until you hear a real answer that can give you some peace, and perhaps courage to move on after all of this… And although we can’t ask them, the ones that left so abruptly, so suddenly… We can ask ourselves, and this world, for a little sign, a hint, a message. About what really was so wrong in that one connection, to not let this person even try to stay for a little longer.

So slow down. Take a deep breath. Rethink about them, about what happened. And allow that connection, its memory and essence that is still here with you, close to your heart, to guide you to the one pile that holds its message.

- Pile One,

(the six of swords, the moon and the seven of cups)

picture from → pinterest ♡

It was supposed to be forever, I know. It should’ve been stronger than any obstacle, distance, argument. It should’ve been able to survive it all. Or this, at least, was what they told and what they promised.

And it wasn’t only you and them, either. There wasn’t hope, and sureness, just in your hearts about this connection. There were others, around you, that whispered their advices, their experience. Taught you about how this is all good, it is all normal in a relationship, it will pass, it won’t ever break it.

You listened to them, you learned. You learned about how to be even more patient and understanding, how to put others and their perception of things and emotions first. You learned about thinking about them, about their vision, their version of things. You learned to look for motives and explanations to their behaviours, even when they themselves didn’t ever say that there was one…

You learned to step aside, out of your own connection. Just for love, for them, for the relationship. Because it was supposed to be just a phase, a period that soon enough ends and leaves you in a relationship that is much stronger and healthier than what it was before… Not you all alone, wandering about how come nothing of all you did was enough, even if it took so much away from you…

But, as frustrating as it is, perhaps, it’s still not anyone’s fault. If not of the humans, and the way we grow, through mistakes, sometimes on the expenses of others…

Because you wanted to be the one, you desired so deeply to make it work and create, feel, something as beautiful as the stories you’ve heard. Because others, the ones around you, got through the same things and it worked for them. Or, at least, it gave them something that was enough. And they genuinely thought that it would work for you too, not knowing every detail of what happened, and having only their experience and story to talk from… And, in the end, because that person heard and thought it too. Because they had their examples that they followed, not understanding that it wasn’t the correct one for everyone…

Each person that lived this connection and situation, each person that looked from a far… You were all just convinced, just sure, not knowing how much ignorant you were, and how much it could hurt.

But knowing this, understanding it, doesn’t really matter either. It won’t heal your heart, nor cancel the convictions that were carved in it. It just sounds like another call for understanding and forgiveness, to a mind that is already tired of its own meanness.

The real answer, the more simplified one, is just that… It was a mistake really. A mistake of ignoring your own feelings, in favour of the words of others, even when they started to hurt so much and so deeply.

Because it could’ve changed it. Not the relationship perhaps… But it could’ve prevented the wounds that you’ve endured and accepted so innocently. It could’ve changed it, but it didn’t. The only thing it did, this mistake, is teach you. Teach you to don’t do it, to don’t ignore your own feelings just because another person is so good at doing it. And, for what it’s worth, it is at least something more than just hurting, and confusion.

There is no need in thinking about it, in imagining, in trying in your own mind to come up with a solution that can make everything work and leave everyone satisfied… There is no need in doing it because it’s fine the way it is. It’s fine with you getting to know what is it like, and overcoming it, and healing from it.

Because even if it felt so important, so destined, so true… It was only the beginning, the first try of creating something meaningful with someone else, of feeling something so deeply and trying to trust others to help you. It was needed.

In order to help you learn who is the one you can trust more, who is the one that really knows you, the situations you are in. And who can really tell you what is best, guide you through the whispers of your feelings, protecting you truly, no matter the situation you are in now. Regardless of the way it happened in the past. Regardless of how it could’ve been.

- Pile Two,

(the justice, the knight of cups and the hanged man)

picture from → pinterest ♡

It took you a lot of courage to reject them, those last tries they made to make up. Those demonstrations that they do care, that they really want to make things work, to change them… It took a lot to turn around, to don’t look at them as they sweared and made those promises that you asked for so long for…

It took a lot to not give in. To stay put and still. To continue to remind yourself of all the times you were the one praying, the one crying, the one starving of affection and support, of that understanding and gentleness that is supposed to come naturally, when you love someone…

But you still did it. You remained true to yourself, to the version of you that suffered through all the little but so painful moments, scattered all across the story that was supposed to be all about love and romance…

You protected yourself. Fiercely. Firmly. So why, now, you are wandering about why things didn’t work out…? Why are you forgetting the courage and strength it took you to see the reality, to accept it, and to reject it? Why are you questioning your decision of leaving, that was made after you already gave them so many other chances?

You did no wrong. Nor to yourself, not even to them. You saved both, ironically, even if you never intended to, even when you never thought that they deserved it too, until now. You protected yourself, without surrendering, without compromising your own sanity and wellness. And in doing so, you also protected them from thinking that it is okay, the way they were behaving. So they did change, what you are seeing now, from the distance, is true and different. They are a better person... And yet it still doesn’t mean that they could’ve become that sooner, if only you waited more for them, for their maturity.

You still do care for them, it’s true and normal. And this is why there is nothing wrong in feeling somehow bittersweet, in seeing them giving to someone else what you hoped so dearly for, sacrificed yourself just for them over and over again, without any remorse… But what is not fine is to let this feeling linger, let it in, let it infiltrate your mind and heart, your own memories and feelings of them. Letting them rewrite the story, fill you with doubt and regret, regret for protecting yourself and standing up for you…

They did change. And perhaps they could’ve done it in the past too indeed, if your decisions were different. But also, was it really your duty to change them, to care for them at the expanse of your own heart and feelings?

You are looking at them now, with nostalgia and a little bit of loneliness. And you see them differently, everything seems so perfect. But you weren’t there when they changed, you don’t know how it happened or how much it costed them. Them, or the ones around them, perhaps even the one that is now being showered with love by them. You don’t know, you don’t think about it even, at how difficult it could’ve been, what you are now regretting of not doing.

Waiting, surrendering. Allowing them to keep on wounding you. While whispering to them gently that they are not supposed to be this way with someone that they swear to love to… You are not thinking about it now, when you look at them. But you should. For the you of the past that didn’t escape from all of that, just for you to regret it, to regret protecting your own self from them.

It is frustrating, it is strange, to see them so perfect, the exact version of who they were supposed to be with you too, who you deserved to meet and be loved by. But it’s the way it is. For one reason or another, you weren’t the one that they were ready to grow up for. To be more sweet, more gentle, more understanding… And nothing could’ve changed that, no matter how much you would’ve accept or try to endure to.

And this is why it’s so important, so right, what you managed to do back then. This is why you shouldn’t regret it, feel ashamed or like you were the one to make a mistake by not remaining… You endured enough. You did so much for them. You gave them your whole heart. Your soul. And it wasn’t enough for them. And this is not your fault. This was not your problem to resolve, not your person to teach and raise, as they were hurting you with each day that passed.

- Pile Three,

(the knight of cups, the seven of swords and the nine of coins)

picture from → pinterest ♡

Now, when you look back at them, at those moments, at that story… Now that you look at it from where you are, from the nostalgia, from the bittersweet loneliness that is overwhelming you… You ask yourself what else you could’ve done, what were those missing things that you didn’t think to try or work on. You see, all the things you’ve done, as not enough, as wrong, as mistakes you did over and over, unable to win their heart, to make them fall for you…

And yet, when you really were in that moment, think about, try to remember it… All these things seemed and felt too much, didn’t they? They felt like too much work for someone that didn’t give you even an ounce of it back, never thanked, never appreciated…

So what changed this perception of yours? What made you reconsider everything, to the point of rewriting your own memories, the suffering that you’ve endured for a love that took everything from you, even what it never owned? What made you think, now, that even that was not enough? What made you choose their side, of the one that never saw enough in you, in the love that you offered, instead of protecting your experience, your suffering, your right to be loved either way?

Perhaps, in some way, it is the fault of growing. Of growing how you did. Of growing through the connections that you chose for yourself over and over again, so similar to that one, in hopes to make things go differently even just one time. Perhaps it was the act of giving, more and more, to that same person and their memory hidden in the ones that you chose in their image. Perhaps it was the fact that they too, exactly like that one, never considered it enough, who you were, who you are, who you always will be…

Perhaps it is the fault of growing through them, allowing these people to eat your life over and over again, teaching you in which ways you are wrong, where you can be better, how you can change for them… Perhaps it is the fault of being alone again now. Alone with yourself, with your memories of all of them, and your own mind that never gets silent in this constant search for an answer, an explanation, something…

But what if the only real reason why you never found it, is simply the fact that there isn’t one? What if the reason why you never were able to satisfy them, to become better, more perfect, is because you already were… Just not in the way they needed you? What if it’s only a series of unfortunate events, in part accidental, in part created by you who tried eternally to correct the first mistakes you were convinced you made back then? What if all of this seems so useless, so wrong, so miserable, simply because you are on a journey, on a hunt, for something that is not yours, something that can never be yours?

You are about to do it all again. To try, once more, to fit into the perfect image of someone who you are not. You are about to find another person that looks exactly for that, you are about to challenge yourself and ignore what feels so wrong or so right… All just because it’s all you know, the search, the trouble, the rush to become that one right for someone, the hope that you will make it…

Perhaps there is no need for all of that, for all of this. There is no need to keep on thinking about them, analysing every single bit of every situation for a clue of what was wrong and what wasn’t. Perhaps, for once, you shouldn’t look for anything or anyone. You just need to exist, and live, on your own, freely.

Without searching, without guessing, without challenging. Without looking for another person to please and convince to love you. Because you did it already, so many times, destroying yourself. Never allowing to slow down, to be who you are, to even just learn and understand what really your soul is made of.

Running, constantly, behind someone that doesn’t see you until you make them, and not seeing yourself the ones that do the same with you, the way you are truly and simply, but are unable to catch you. Unable to tell you, to whisper to you that you are enough for them, you are right for them, even if you don’t change, even if you don’t adapt, even if you don’t make them fall in love for you. Because they already do it, naturally, wholeheartedly.

thatfrailsoul

- Me, myself and the future

What that version of you got through, to be the one you want to become?

piles → one, two and three ♡

It is strange to root for someone who is you… and at the same time kind of isn’t. To have faith, and patience, for the appearance of someone who is supposed to be you but better. To work so hard, for them, to manifest them, while you just can’t shake off the feeling that they are someone else, they aren’t you, so how on earth should this ever work out? How can you really become them? And why should you? Why should they, this perfect person that you can envision, ever come to you, just because you want them?.. It’s easy to say to just imagine how they would be, how they would act and feel, this version of you… But how can you really do it when they are so different from you? Without having the same experiences, the same knowledge and confidence that you yet need to find out there somehow..?

So slow down for a moment. Breathe. Think about them. And for the first real time allow them, that future version of you, to tell you what you’ve got through, to become them. Allow them to whisper to you, through the pile and the picture that calls you, all about this journey. So you can understand them, so you can know them better and trust them and the possibility of their existence, fully.

- Pile One,

You are afraid of the battles now, of the obstacles that you might find on your way, you are not sure of having enough strength to move them… But, funny enough, there won’t ever be a bigger obstacle than the one you represent for your own self. Not now, not in the future. There won’t be harsher words than the ones that are so loud in your mind. And no one will have more strength than the you who will block your own steps... (continue reading...)

- Pile Two,

For some, for so many people, the most difficult part is to start, to have the courage, to just do it… But for you, it never was about this. For you there is nothing easier, than to step onto a new path, facing a new journey. For you, perhaps, it might be even a problem - to resist the urge to run from one idea and possibility to another... (continue reading...)

- Pile Three,

You can see so clearly the path in front of you, but you can’t feel it. Your feet can’t feel the foundation underneath you. You can’t understand if this is the right moment, if this is okay, if this is the right way to step on it... (continue reading...)

- The reason behind all of it

a tarot reading ♡

piles → one, two and three ♡

- Pile One,

(the six of swords, the moon and the seven of cups)

picture from → pinterest ♡

But, as frustrating as it is, perhaps, it’s still not anyone’s fault. If not of the humans, and the way we grow, through mistakes, sometimes on the expenses of others…

Each person that lived this connection and situation, each person that looked from a far… You were all just convinced, just sure, not knowing how much ignorant you were, and how much it could hurt.

- Pile Two,

(the justice, the knight of cups and the hanged man)

picture from → pinterest ♡

- Pile Three,

(the knight of cups, the seven of swords and the nine of coins)

picture from → pinterest ♡

- Me, myself and the future

What that version of you got through, to be the one you want to become?

piles → one, two and three ♡

- Pile One,

- Pile Two,

- Pile Three,

- You are allowed

picture from → pinterest ♡

You are trying. You really do… But where lies the line between trying because you are looking for that something, you are motivated and hopeful, and the one of forcing yourself to accept things that hurt you deeply, because you constantly hear that you need to? When you know that you have a goal, something to fight for, to be strong and patient… And when you don’t even have that, you are lost, but don’t remember it?

Because it does happen, doesn’t it? When this journey of growth, of experimenting, of trying, becomes so long. When all your experience is only trying, only changing, only struggling. Instead of an understanding, some clarity, about what it is that you truly want, which thing is really the one for you…

It has a lot of potential, trying. Having the benefit of the doubt. Having the courage, or tiredness, to just do stuff, giving them a chance to surprise you, to become the one. But it is also a lot that it takes away from you. It is a lot, what it doesn’t give you. And keep on doing it, sometimes… Is only pushing you deeper, into the spiral of thoughts, doubts, fears, that becomes only stronger as it chokes you.

For how long have you been doing it? How far you’ve come? From that initial desire of yours, that vague but still present goal. How much your standards and expectations have changed, one try after another? How different you are now from the person you used to be, and the one you promised you one day would become?

It is a dangerous game, the one of chances. The one of repeating to ourselves that we only need to try some more, wait a little longer, expect and ask some less, endure some more for the sake of an end goal that is at this point so unrecognisable… It is a difficult one, no matter how many motives you can find that justifies it. And for this reason it is okay, if right now you are becoming a little too tired of it.

You gave this a lot of your time, it’s true. You dedicated yourself to it, you’ve changed your life so many times… That it does seem a little too much to ask yourself to just let go. But, at the same time, what really is the difference? Where are really those things that should make staying here and surrendering to this worth it?

If you change your direction you will need to start again, but you will need to do the same even if you stay here. You wouldn’t have a base, or experience, or even one clue… But you don’t even have them now, don’t you? Perhaps you wouldn’t have the support of others… But you are all alone on this journey too, regardless. You would need to sacrifice yourself, be patient, work hard… But it is the exact same thing that you are doing right here. The only difference is that now you are doing it for something that you already know you don’t want.

You’ve put yourself out there. You were understanding, flexible, convenient and comfortable for them, for all these journeys. You went all in, and followed the rules of this big game of trying. And it just didn’t work for you, in all honesty. So why you can’t just consider it all one single journey that you tried and had enough of? Why can’t you change the definition of trying in your life, in your situations?

You don’t need to be here forever. You don’t need to always accept, again and again, changing your life and yourself, in hopes that one day something will finally work and allow you to settle in… You can, and you need, to be the one that tries things, instead of allowing them to try you. You need to regain control on your own narrative.

Because it is enough, really. You’ve tried enough, you’ve changed enough, you’ve waited. You saw, and felt, and did enough to be allowed to say that none of it is what you were seeking. You are allowed to draw your conclusions, finally, and have an answer to all of those that pushed you in this direction. You are allowed to reply back to them, and your own mind as well, if they say one more time that you just need to try a little harder.

You are allowed, in all honesty, to choose for once what that harder is for you. You are allowed to choose what all of this is for, instead of letting the flow of circumstances push you from one thing to another. Because it is beautiful, it is poetic, especially if one day it will work out. But also, for how long are you supposed to be thrown around? And, actually, who said that you need to be one of those that allow the world to choose for you? Why can’t you be the one to choose, and just allow the universe to help you? Why can’t you have standards, visions, plans and goals? Not even with the things that are supposed to be only and ultimately yours?

It is your life. It is your journey. It is your decision. And if it doesn’t reflect any of it anymore, this path that you are on, just go away from it. Someone else will enjoy it. You have somewhere else to be and to experience. You have other things to feel, to accomplish, and to be worthy of all of it. The good and the more difficult things.

You can be in control. You can choose and decide. And for the world around, the others, it won’t change a thing. But it can change everything for you, actually. So let your last try, your last benefit of the doubt on this journey that already consumed you, be the one of believing in yourself, in your real and initial goals, in that someone that you wanted to become so much. Because it can don’t work exactly like all those did, sure. But if this is what you think, you need then to remember that it can work out too, exactly like you kept on repeating to yourself on each of these journeys. And, if it will, it will be much more fulfilling and satisfying, than the others ever could be, and you know it.

- the seven of cups and the seven of wands

p.s. I wrote this letter at 4:44 and made the last changes at 1:11♡

- It will be perfect.

picture from → pinterest ♡

You will be so productive, when you will have more time. You will do so many things in a day, enjoying deeply every single one of them, enjoying every moment.

You will be so proud of yourself, once you will have the results of your hard work right in front of you, you will be proud of your ideas and solutions, once you will have the confirmation that they were valid, that they were true.

You will be so more present, and understanding, and gentle towards others, and your connections… Once you will be surrounded by those that will truly deserve it, that will give it to you in the first place.

It will be so fun experimenting with your clothes, and make up, and accessories, once you will see that perfect reflection, in the mirror, looking back at you.

It will be so much better, everything. Every aspect of your life will feel so much easier and lighter and joyful… Although… You don’t really know when it will happen, don’t you?

You are only preparing for it. Gathering ideas, inspiration. Saving places, tutorials, outfits, topics to dive into because they might be interesting… You are filling so much your life now with all of this, all the pieces and bits of the one you actually would love to experience…

But it doesn’t fill the void in you, nor gives you hope - it only fills the space, fills your thoughts, your already tired heart, and becomes clutter. Stuff that piles up but is never used, never experienced, never felt. Because there isn’t any time for it, nor space.

Because it is desirable, and at the same time too perfect for you. For the you that is still convinced that you need to be more, to demonstrate more, to be worthy of really owning these things, instead of only being a storage of ideas and choices…

For how long did you already do this? For how long you sticked to this “technique”, to this conviction that if you only become something more… than you could really live it? For how long you promised yourself, asked yourself to have patience, starved your own soul by making the idea of this better life be enough for you to live of it? And did it ever work, sincerely?

Because you are still here. Still in this life, in this reality that you don’t fit. You are still annoyed, uncomfortable, and tired of all of it. And all the things that you are saving for later, for when you would have a life that suits them better… Are becoming only that - some vague ideas, examples of how someone’s life is. That you keep on collecting, slowly getting used to only looking at them, only desiring them, and slowly forgetting. All the enthusiasm, all the conviction, all the confidence. All the driving force that kept on motivating you to change, little by little, the reality by which you were surrounded.

Now you are only surrendering to it. Now you are only observing. While still holding tightly all those clothes, all those versions of you that you could be, but never really putting them on, never becoming them.

And it is true that some changes in life are not so easy. It is true that too many of them really depend on the things that are much bigger, and that we can’t shift them no matter how much we want it… But it is also true that not all of them are like this. Not all of the details about the life that you want are that big, that unreachable.

Some of them really are just tiny little things. Little thoughts, little feelings. A slower moment. Some deeper breaths. A thing that brings in that perfect colour that you were longing for. A kind smile, sweet interactions. A ray of sunshine that hits the room so perfectly. A gentle touch on your skin, your own hand that caresses you. Your gaze that is a little bit more softer, when it looks back at you. A whisper of your mind that you are good, that you’ve got this. A chest that feels full, full of gratefulness, full of calm, full of quite joy that you once dreamed about, in your darkest times of loneliness…

All these things really seem to be connected to something bigger. To a situation that is finally resolved. A problem that disappears to never return. And they do. In part. But those feelings… They are connected to so many more things than just a change of life, of a person, or of a situation. Some of them are more connected to you, and what you really allow yourself to feel now.

It might take time, to shift the bigger picture. And yet this doesn’t mean that you need to put on standby every single idea of yours. There are some things that you can do, even just one, that can give you that feeling. You can start a little project. You can change your pace for one single moment. You can, indeed, find even just five more minutes for your own self. To take care of yourself, to sit in silence, or perhaps to fill that moment with something that makes you smile sometimes.

It won’t be groundbreaking, nor pure ecstasy for you, it’s true. And yet, even just one step, one little moment, will be enough to show yourself that you can do it, that it is possible for you. To live differently, to feel something else. To live a life that is different from the one you have.

And little by little, one by one, they will stop feeling like an obligation, a thought in which you need to be constantly intentional - your mind will start to notice on its own, your heart will just feel good sometimes, your body will slow down. And they, these things, will be the ones to actually change something, in you or in the world. They will be the ones to give you, already now, the life that you want.

Because it is about the little things. It is about the steps. The goal, the desire, is only the bigger picture, it’s a destination, not a requirement for you, something that you need to have before you are allowed to feel what you want, when you want, and how your heart desires.

Let go a little, free yourself. From the conclusions, the convictions, those limits that you put on yourself even though you never even needed them.

Allow your own self to live like you want. Even if it’s not all at once.

It is still worth it. It is still real and true.

The journey itself, the little moments, are as tangible and important as the goal itself. Perhaps even more. Because you feel them, you live them, you go through them, instead of only waiting for them to come through.

- the eight of wands and the four of coins ♡

enchantedbook

"God of Cosmos" by Elderghoul (Dalton Kaplan)

The first moments of May.

The sun is out and I'm starting to feel alive again (╥﹏╥;)♡

#thatfrailsoul #may #moments #details #the art of noticing #my photos #photo dump #thatfrailsoul: notes

- One last message

pictures from pinterest → one, two and three ♡

It always feels a little bit uneasy, when we try to untie ourselves from what used to be, the things that remained behind so sickeningly and abruptly, not caring for whether we were ready or not... Leaving us with a constant feeling that there is something more... There has to be. Because we want it. We want something that can justify all of this. And be our answer. The one of which the absence keeps us awake at night so many years later... So we dig, we look for something in our memories, in those faded moments. And yet when we finally start to feel them, touch them... We pull back. Not wanting anymore that confrontation. Not ready, not so courageous anymore, to know the truth and accept it. But now... Now, this moment, is different. You're calm. You're sure. You want it. And so does the past. It does want to give you those answers, finally.

So what is the past is trying to tell you, what's its last message for you? What you need to hear and know, one and true last time, before letting go and closing that chapter that stayed with you for a little too much time? Slow down. Take a deep breath. Allow the memories to come back briefly. And follow them to that one picture, one pile, that they are calling you through now, whispering.

p.s. The procrastination really hit me these days, I thought that this reading would never be ready! But I'm actually so proud of it, I think it might be one of my longest ones. And I definitely want to do more of them... BUT I also want more to know which pile is calling you now and if the message resonated with what you are going through now :3

- Pile One,

(the tower, the justice and the king of coins)

It still feels unexpected for you. No matter how many times you think about it, return to those days, to those moments... It still feels like it came out of nowhere.

It happened, shacked your whole world, crushed every detail of it, and went away, leaving you alone and surrounded by the pieces of something that you so deeply cherished.

But even though the only thing remaining to do was to grieve, to try to heal from it... It wasn't so easy, now when every piece had something attached to it. A doubt. A question. A possible clue even. Was that phrase a little too much? The tone was too harsh or too uncertain? Was that action wrong, too rushed? Or where you supposed to have more patience?

You just can't let it go. That moment. That last time you held that something... Without knowing that you should've paid more attention to it, to what was happening.

But, what if, that last moment wasn't so important as you make it be, when looking through your memories, the ones influenced so heavily with surprise, confusion and fear that overwhelmed you in that instant? What if the answers are not there, they weren't staying silently in a corner, observing you as you were missing them? What if, instead, the reasons behind all of this were present much sooner, following you through your earlier steps, disguised, and never noticed by you that truly were convinced that all of this was the right decision?

Because, the thing is... Perhaps your faults don't lie in that ending, in that failure. But they do lie in all the things that you've accepted, surrendered to, as you were creating this situation, achieving this something. So sure that reaching this goal is what truly matters, and not the how, not the little ways in which you failed yourself, without noticing, every single time you chose this dream, and the ones involved in it, over your own self.

Because you did it. Even if now it is a little bit difficult to recall them. But they did happen, didn't they? The moments in which you were uncomfortable, but still allowed someone to do it. When you were unsure but did things anyway, trusting the convincing words of others. Or when you were tired, but still got up, tried your best, as your mind whispered and questioned why you are doing it, why others can't be the ones to sacrifice themselves for once, instead?They were so little, so insignificant, tiny moments that flew by after some deep breaths, or once your mind was too tired to think about it, or got distracted. But they were so so many. At almost every step you did, too focused on the end goal to notice that you are getting a little bit too uncomfortable.

And, although one could expect this tiredness to catch up, the frustration grow and make you give up... What happened with you was different. You got used to it. And so the ones around you, the ones involved in this. The ones that just got used to ask more and more of you, thinking less with each day about how their actions and ways are making you feel. Because you would eventually accept it, get over it... Until there wasn't anything else or more that they could do to you, take away from you - you were too open, too compliant. And they too greedy. To the point of starting to crave a different victim, once you became too docile and boring for them.

They made a decision. They left. Or kicked you off the path that you worked so hard on. They pushed you back and left you there, confused, without knowing what happened truly... And you just stayed there. You are still there, in that moment. Not realising that nothing really ended. Because it never started in the first place - that dream of yours never became real, this was all just a cruel parody of it that confused you, deceived you, let you wander too far away from where you really wanted and should've been.

And it does hurt as hell. Still. So vividly. But as cliché as it sounds, it is already in the past and you are free now. Even if you didn't knew that you were supposed to run away, to fight for yourself... In their meanness and egocentrism they did it for you, they freed you. And now you have the right and the chance to start doing it sooner. To prioritize yourself, to protect yourself, to fight for what you really want to feel and do, without accepting anything else... You can do it now with every your step on your new journeys, from the beginning, making sure that nothing ever will trick and deceive you, nothing else will touch you.

And perhaps, the way it happened was the best one for you. Because at the end of the day you do care too much. For others, for how things are handled, how stories begin and end... If you noticed before, if you knew before, you would've tried to save it. Perhaps giving even more of yourself to them, just in hopes of making things right again, making them be how they were supposed to be in the first place.

Now you know better. You know through the outcome of this situation, and the possibility to look back at it and see everything that you didn't notice when you were there, too overwhelmed, too tired, too little.

Now it won't happen again. Because you have yourself. You have the bond that was created between you, your heart and mind, thanks to this tragedy of a situation - they are on your side now, they won't deceive you, they won't hide, they won't merely whisper. They will scream and kick as soon as something will try to touch you.

And you might think that this is wrong, too much, that it is only some sort of trauma because of what happened... But it is you. It's the lessons you finally learned and understood, within, even if it's still difficult to give them form and word them correctly.

Even if what happened still stings and burns... That dream of yours, that one thing that moved you through it all, the one that gave you strength, and patience, and hope... It's still here somewhere. Your mind still returns to that little thought... Were you not able to achieve it because it was not yours to own... Or because of what happened, the people, the things, the circumstances?

A little part of you is still attached to it, no matter how much time has passed. It still feels like, if only you knew for certain that it would work, you would do it without a second thought... But then again, these too are just feelings of a soul that never got to experience it, and for this reason wonders, again and again, about what could've been...

Because you yourself are already different. You did change, because of that situation, that ''failure'' and the others that followed. And your dreams, the things you desire the most... Have changed too. Even if it doesn't seem like it at the first glance - their title remained the same, it's the way you want to achieve them and the details about them that changed, because of what you've got through, of what you know you don't want too feel again nor need to.

So, simply, that goal of yours and of the past cannot be reached anymore. Not because you can't get there, or because the only real chance was that one... It's more because of you, that deep down, don't really want that specifically anymore. You are craving something else, something similar but so different at its core. Something that reflects the you of now more, something that will be crafted by you, in your own way, on your own.

It is possible, and at the same time not. It is that goal, that dream, but with a different path to it that you will find, if you will ever decide that you are ready to try it all again.

Because, the thing is, you are letting go of the past, you are accepting it. You are overcoming it, and learning from it - thanks to that situation you will never make the same mistakes, nor anyone will ever be able to trap you in that same way. But still... One needs courage, to try to do it once again. Courage and faith that it could be different, which is not something that the past could give you, not even if you heal completely. These ones, these feelings and their strength, is something that could be cultivated only in the now, with your own hands.

And if one day you will really choose it, this dream again, and give yourself and it another chance... It won't be so easy, it's true, it won't be too calm. But, at least, the chaos won't be created by others, by their games, their dirty motives. It will only be... Some little doubts in you, some uncertainty about your decisions. The very things that do give you hard time at first, but then fade away with every step made and every victory.

If I'd to tell you if this is something that you should do, something that you should open your heart again to... The answer is yes, if the way the things went in the past never were strong enough to erase your desire and excitement for this thing. If there is still passion, if your hands are still itching, if the only reason why you never did it again was just because of the past and not because it doesn't speak to you... Then there is a reason to it. It is connected to you. Deeply. It is something that is yours and what happened, at least, showed you how it's best not to go about it.

You can do it again, whenever you want. Whenever you decide that that's it, you will create a new beginning. And you don't even need to be too sure about it. Because it will start to feel right as soon as you will come back to those things that always moved you. And it will be natural. It will be safe. Because this time it will depend more on you, you will have the control on things, in the most positive way.♡

- Pile Two,

(the page of wands, the nine of wands and the king of cups)

Was it really a failure, or a conscious choice? Was it you, not being good enough once again, or you deciding that you are worthy of more?.. Because right now, when your mind wanders back again to those moments, to those times... The line seems so blurred, difficult to grasp. And it's so confusing for the you of now, that looked back desperately for guidance, for reassurance, before stepping once again in a brand new beginning in your life.

It is so funny, (if one is able to detach somehow from the anxiety and doubt overwhelming you in this moment) how something seems so tempting, how every thought about it is so convincing, and then vanishes as soon as you need to actually do it, to go for it.

Because it is nothing new, this thought of yours. This idea, this choice. The one of changing things, of shaking them. Letting all that is suffocating you fall off, or contrary, try to fit a new version of your life... It was in your sight for already some time, these aren't the first wanders of yours about it. There were already so many of them, of those questions and contemplations, of those daydreams of how things could be - that it doesn't feel anymore so strange, so impossible to live it. To have that something new, something finally different.

But, as you are realising now, there is a difference between being familiar to it and actually feeling safe to do it, feeling fully convinced. Although so different on paper, so new, so unique... There is something about this beginning, the circumstances, the steps and courage it needs, that painfully reminded you of something else. Of a time and place where you already made a similar choice, tried your best, and yet failed...

It was unexpected, sudden, but those memories did come back to you. Menacing you of having hidden in them the answers to the questions of this situation too. What if you are only confusing yourself? What if, instead of really needing a change, you are simply running away from responsibilities or hard work that needs to be done to make this situation work? What if you can and will find satisfaction and enough where you are now? What if you don't even really deserve this new chance, to succeed in it, after all the times that you didn't have the strength nor patience to continue a journey as soon as it gave you a hard time?

It is becoming a little too loud in your mind, these days. The thoughts are too many. The questions interrupt themselves, hiding the answers between them... It is taking all your attention, it is calling you back inside your mind and forcing you to stay in it, until you clear everything up, until you manage to calm it... So you are slowing down. You are putting aside this idea and chance, this new beginning, convinced that you are preparing for it, and not realising that you are only shielding yourself from it. From its potential to be a failure, a victory... Anything, really.

But... What if rather than being a path that is already made, with all the little steps signed and obstacles removed... It is a path that one can, or is supposed to even, make on their own, one step at a time. Not in a somehow scary and pressuring way - but in the one of not having actually a specific program to follow, a checklist to fullfill in preparation? What if, in its own way, it is truly so different, so new, that there aren't any previous experiences that could guide you?

And, also, what if this is the real example of how a new chance, a new path, should be? What if the other one, that memory of yours and the changes you lived back then, wasn't such a new beginning, but rather a realisation, an escape even, from something that didn't fullfill you anymore, not even a tiny bit?

What if it only feels awfully familiar? But in fact, they are two different situations, circumstances, reasons. And the only thing that they have in common is the first step that is waiting for you to do it, and that has the potential to change everything? What if their outcomes are different. And, perhaps, the things that you are fearing of repeating considering them all mistakes that led you to your failure... Are only the needed and precious ones to make this journey to be safer and lead you to your goal successfully?

The thing is... We do tend to generalise, when we are anxious, when we are doubtful. We do connect the different situations and decisions, just because they overwhelm us with the same feeling, give us, at first sight, the promise of a similar future... But in reality, there are many more details to every circumstance, to every ending and beginning. It's just that... so much time has passed, after this one situation that marked you so deeply, that you remember mostly only the bigger picture. The one a little blurred now, after all this time, enough to be disguised as similar to this one.

But it is different. This situation is. No matter how many things that are the same that you could find in your moments of overthinking. The people, the timing, the goals, the motives, the ways, the actions - they are not the same, you are. And that's it. That's all the truth about it.

It feels the same, and scary, and already put to fail, just because you are the one living it. This situation and the other. It feels familiar because you simply remember it.

But that situation is already far away, you were the one to escape it actually. You were the one to see and feel that it wasn't right for you. While for this one... You are deciding that it could be something good, and worthy, and that you truly want, aren't you?

The moment you keep on putting next to this one to compare was just an ending. This is a beginning. And it isn't fair, is it? To compare the you that finished something, got through something, and the one that didn't even started their journey in the meantime.

You are ready. You've got this. This is your decision, your change, your beginning. You don't need to have any other opinion, not even of the past version of you that, frankly, wouldn't ever even think that you could be capable of something so new and different.

So don't rely on them. Don't ask them for reassurance or advice now. Because in one way or another, but you did change after all this time, and that version of you is not the same person that you are now. You know more, you feel more, you do much more than what they ever could. You are already the courageous and wise one because you brought yourself up to this point, not them, that survived that battle yes, but also remained in that past, close to that memory, to guard it.

This is your beginning. Only yours. So trust yourself on this. Yes, once again. Yes, one more time. And how many more it will needs do be done.

Because you know... All those doubts and fears, and moments spent overthinking, are indeed so useless... Because this journey will be so different.

In your every heavy thought about it, in the every situation that you are trying to visualise before experiencing it, in hopes of being more prepared for it... You are always alone, aren't you? Just you, against it, against them, against the world around you. You think about what if you go too slow or too fast, what if you wrongly make a step. What if others will not approve, or contrary, have too much hope for your success and pressure you. What if the ones that will be involved will just not like you. Won't be all that excited for you. While you will be too much over the moon for meeting them, being around them, sharing with them this journey...

It's you, only you, against them and all the thousands ways it could go wrong or be difficult that you are coming up with it. It's only you, and how on earth you will ever be able to manage it, resolve it, survive that every battle...

But, where this conviction that you will be on your own came from? From your past experiences? Another situation? Or a story you heard from and about someone? It's something, once again, that is absolutely, in any way, not connected to this situation and journey, but a part of your own thoughts and convictions, isn't it?

But we already talked about it - It's different this time (and it will actually be every single time you will start something). You won't stand alone. You won't walk alone. Because although it is new for you, and you are the only one in your circle going on this exact path... It is not something new for this world, and for others that live in it exactly like you do.

There are many people that are right now thinking about the same. And some of them already left the indecision a side, and are there, and are waiting. Because this journey won't be so lonely as you think it will. And the ones walking by your side won't be so cold, indifferent, or mean.

You will have your guidance, your advices, your support, your company. You will find all of it as soon as you begin your journey. And it won't feel so heavy, I promsie you, because you will not be forced to carry it all alone, like you already so many times did on other journeys.

There will be moments that are more slow, but they will never be too boring. The ones that will be fast, but nothing too overwhelming. There will be moments of indecision, but your answers will find you. And nothing about it will ever be so dooming, so terrible, so end worlding.

It is a safe journey for you. And not because it is safe in itself. It will be because of who you are now, how you will manage things, and how the ones around you will too. This is why, simply, you can't find reassurance for this decision in a version of you that lives in the past - they don't have yet what you have now. And they are the ones that would have a hard time. Not you. Not now. Not on this journey that called you and waited for so much time, preparing and refining your own very spot, that is ready for you to take it and own.♡

- Pile Three,

(the ace of cups, the hierophant and the king of wands)

It felt so perfect indeed. I know. It felt so right, so fated even. It still does. It still does seem like the best option, the best way that there ever could be about this something, about this journey, this goal that you one day would like to hold to yourself tightly... And this is why it is so difficult, the thing you did. This is why it never really left you, that feeling of making a wrong step, a wrong turn, condemning everything you achieved and worked so hardly on. This is why that past still haunts you, the moment you chose to do things differently returns to you, again and again, at every single obstacle and failure.

It wasn't ever easy, yet you did it. For some reason. You threw everything away, shoved it aside, gave yourself the permission to go in a different direction, through a path that still needed to be cleared. You did it despite those signs, those advices, those convictions that what you have is already enough and right, that you should just be grateful, feel lucky, and be satisfied... You did it, you found the courage, because of that single and little whisper that never left you, never got completely silent, no matter what others promised you.

That one choice, that one decision, changed so much, felt so definitive. Like something that can never be surpassed. A call for courage, and trust in yourself, and readiness to dodge the judgement of others at your every step... It seemed impossible to experience it ever again, not like that, not that much...

And yet here it is. This moment that mirrors so well the past, but that somehow, digs even deeper in you, asks you of more.

The same situation, the same journey, the same decision. But rather than its beginning - its the phase of growth, of progress, that you are now facing. The one that seems impossible to analyse or foresee. How long will it take? How many obstacles there will be?

The courage and decision is not enough anymore, not even your stubbornness that got you through the battle where you fought fiercely for this choice. Now you need to be strong too. And patient. And persistent. And consistent. To be firm in your decisions, and be serious enough with your own self by not allowing you to procrastinate, step back or fail. But also, you need to take care of yourself, be gentle, be understanding... You need to find that perfect balance that you always thought will be created by the moment, naturally, and instead you are now supposed to be the one to craft it somehow.

So it is inevitable to rethink, to remember. That one moment in which you chose all of this, were so confident, and didn't even think too much, or maybe enough even. It is impossible not to start considering this a mistake, a failure already. Something that you are just not suited for and thought a little too highly of yourself, went somewhere where you are not supposed to be now...

But, regardless of these thoughts and emotions, you are already here, aren't you? And it's not even the beginning, you made some steps on this journey, didn't you? You managed somehow, even though you are becoming so convinced that you are not good enough and could never manage all that it's happening. You did somehow come to this point. And you did survive one of the most difficult steps, the one of starting, the one that manages to scare so many.

So perhaps... You are capable of something. There was some truth in your initial confidence and conviction. It's just that... The initial adrenaline faded off. The voices around are temporary silent. You are on your own, the rhythm slowed down, you got used to the tasks and routines. It became all calm, all of the sudden. Sooner than you expected. And you didn't even use completely that armor that you created for yourself, going into this battle...

But it's not a sign that you made a mistake or that the desire and conviction of yours was short lived. That you should pack up your things, and your pride, and just hope that they will accept you back, in that other situation and thing, even though you so fiercely run away from it...

Just breathe. Stay here for a moment. Even if it is uncertain, even if it is difficult to calm down your mind and rest your body. Wait a little more, for yourself. For that desire that is still here inside you. Because time will pass either way, the situation will change, the obstacles will be moved away or you will overcome them. No matter if you are confident or scared, certain or confused. Because you already did it. So many times actually, more than what you give yourself credit for.

There was a reason why this something called you so strongly. Enough to make you change your life. Enough to still keep on calling you, even when you are trembling, and are afraid of moving forward.

It is important for you, for some reason. And this is why it's worth it, to resist for a while and battle this anxiety.

Your past is not talking to you because it wants to show you how you were mistaken, by letting go something that was better... It only wants to remind you how strong this calling was. And how many doubts you still got, while leaving behind something that you didn't want... Imagine how many of them and of the regrets you would have, if you force yourself to let go of this one. The one that you already started working on so hard and already managed to make so many good steps and progress.

It will be okay. I promise you. You are doing fine. There is nothing wrong, or strange, or suspicious in this process or how things are happening or how you are feeling. It's just a moment of tiredness after the big changes, together with how suddenly they became slower and silent.

It's part of the process, and it will change soon enough. And you will feel better. After some rest, the motivation will come back, as well as the confidence and sureness. And these moments of stagnation will not feel so menacing, nor the obstacles will feel so big and ominous.

And in the meantime, to try to overcome this stagnation, to try to find the needed reassurance but in yourself, rather than in the past and the overthinking... Try to remember, what was it like, this dream of yours? How was it when it was still little, a tiny and vague feeling that you were craving? What were the first things it whispered to you, as it was starting to take form, coming to the surface, battling the reality that you were already living? What was in it, in that dream of yours, that made it so special, so strong, so worth of fighting for it and protecting?..

You are starting to forget it now, because of all of this. Of this anxiety, and doubts, and thoughts. All the things in the outside and material world that are so different from what you want. Because they have been taking your attention, little by little, until you didn't have any focus in you left to actually dedicate to the thing that you wanted, the one that moved you, that inspired you, that you did all of this for in the first place.

It is all just so loud, especially the thoughts about how everything is too silent and not enough. And it is simply making you loose touch with your own self. That's the truth. And the problem is that this one thing is the one connected to you the most... So how on earth could you ever feel convinced now of your own steps and choices, of all the things that you've done?

You need to come back to yourself first. Before trying to come back to this something, to this journey, to this path. You need first to reconnect, to try to find once again that part of you that craved all of this. They are responsible for this change. They are the ones you truly and fully need to be able to stick to this, to keep on going no matter how bad and unfortunate things seem.

Fortunately, you have the time and space now. Ironically, exactly thanks to this moment of stagnation. You can dedicate more of yourself to this. But not from the perspective of how it will be more effective and productive, what will finally shake everything... You need to do it just for the sake of doing. Without any tasks, responsibilities, motives or strict routines. Just for yourself, for you only. And this is something that you need to remember, truly, not for what it has become in this process, but how it used to be.

Because this period is only that, it will pass, it will change, and everything will start to feel right again. But now, it still feels so inevitable and doomed that it is sickening. It is pulling you down without you realising it. And this is the only real and dangerous part of it - that this moment indeed could convince you that this was all a mistake.

And this is why the most effective thing will be to just do it for yourself, really. Not for some results, progress or demonstration, no matter how strange and unreasonable it seems now. Because you do deserve the progress, it's true. But the urgency behind it is not really coming from you.

Perhaps it's coming from others, from their opinion, perspective or progress in their stories... Perhaps it is coming from their version that is hidden in your mind, that keeps on telling you that you need to hurry up to confirm your victory over them, to confirm your success that they never really believed in... But it is surely not coming from you. Because if it was, if that same part of you that pushed you to this was here now advising you - you would just be too focused and occupied in enjoying yourself. Now that you have really the right and the chance.

This phase is already taking its sweet time to pass. And perhaps it will take even more, or will feel like it, if you will force and consume yourself to push and move it. So why don't you just try to not force it? I mean, it is ignoring you, so why you should stress so much about it?

It will be difficult at first but... At each time your mind starts to spiral all around this lack of progress and results... Sit up and try to do it on your own, whatever it is, whatever feeling it usually gives you when you are truly in your element and enjoying yourself. Simulate it. Ignite that flame in you on your own. Again and again. Not because you are desperate somehow... But just to remind yourself, and your mind especially, that you are doing this first and foremost for yourself, on your own. That the good feeling, the comfort it gives you, is not strictly connected to others or the results of this situation that is then connected to what you love.

You can and need to do it regardless. You need to remember that your passion is not caged somewhere, locked up, just because you started to walk on a journey that could give this passion or desire of yours a more material and physical form... You should remind yourself to love it and experience it regardless. Because this is the secret to shake things. Or to make it feel like it. Because as you will be so caught up in your excitement, the time will fly by, and the answers and opportunities will finally arrive. And it will feel easy, and unexpected, and surprising. A gift given to you just because you were busy enjoying yourself, finally free of any rule or judgment.♡

divider : @mieluno ♡

It starts from you. You come first. You need to meet yourself, before looking for others... And, even if it seems so scary, they are already waiting for you. The one hidden within and that you are trying to escape from. They are waiting, for the first time patiently, without any judgment, only with gentleness. Because that part of your soul is ready to find their peace, and to make you whole again, and ready for another and new journey.

(the lovers)

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