This week we celebrated our youngest daughter turning 1 month old. This photo was taken when she was 3 days old. Newborns in general are pretty easy to care for: unless something deeper is wrong their problems can pretty much entirely be solved with a diaper change, a full belly, and a wrap. Sometimes, though, no matter how seasoned we are as parents, there are moments where we feel utterly helpless; if you’ve ever had an incessantly crying infant you know exactly what I mean. As easygoing as my youngest daughter is, for whatever reason in this moment she refused to be soothed; no amount of boob or bouncing or softly spoken words would comfort her and she worked herself up to a level of pure shrilling. Gently I exhausted all of the options I could think of until I reached a point of operating on raw motherly impulse; with my screaming newborn in my arms, tears swelling in my eyes, and feelings of failure bubbling deep in my belly my instincts sharpened in an instant with the last crumbs of hope I had to hold onto. I grabbed the closest wrap I could find and began tying her against my chest. As we became fastened to one another I could feel the immediate relief of her body as she relaxed into me and her cries quieted as she fell asleep straight away. Too worried to reawaken her I stood there in silence as we swayed in the warm sunlight, I felt my consciousness returning to me. I’m not sure what moved me but I asked my husband to quickly grab the camera and take a photo of us. After a few shutter clicks he remarked, “you didn’t smile.” I responded “in this moment I don’t feel a smile. This is real.”
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