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Searching For Someone

I guess it’s my fault. Maybe I haven’t put myself out there enough. I turn down every guy who even tries to get the least bit serious with me because I have this expectation of how it should be. I’ve built up this fairytale in my mind, and I’m starting to think it won’t go any farther than my own thoughts. I flirt, a lot. I think I’m trying to feel something. It’s like I’m digging through someone’s personality trying to find a piece of myself. And for what? To tell them “I already have a boyfriend” or “I’m talking to someone” when I’m not happy with what I find. I have this ideal thought, that when I find someone I really like I’ll feel like myself again. My heart will pound and a huge smile will appear on my face whenever I hear his name. I’ll find that girl inside of me that was pushed down by all the societal pressure, I’ll find the part of me that I know I’ve lost. But it’s not as easy as I thought it would be. I’m beginning to lose more of myself by trying to find someone who will love me. That’s not what I want. That was never what I wanted. There is a constant battle between my heart and reality, and I honestly don’t know which one I would rather face. But reality seems to be winning.

thatquietgirlyouforgotabout

I wish I could go back and tell 19 year old me that I found him. And he’s better than she ever imagined he’d be.

You hurt me

No matter what anyone tries to tell me

You hurt me

I told you I was damaged

And you acted as a security blanket only to leave me cold and alone

Wrapped up in the feelings you dragged out of me

As if you were going to stick around to deal with them.

But you left.

And I still, I feel it.

I feel it in the center of my rib cage when someone says your name

I feel it in the pit of my stomach when the thought of you makes me lose my appetite

I feel it when I look in the mirror, and wonder how you managed to steal all of my self worth in a matter of minutes

You built me up only to drag me back down with you

Yet here I am, alone

Wondering what is was I did wrong.

And I watch you, as you move through life,

As if nothing has changed.

And I can’t help but think of how stupid I was

To believe that you were different

How stupid I was to become this cliche of a girl

Who got her heart broken

By a guy who never even cared.

You told me from the start, that I would end up resenting you

But you’re wrong.

Because I still miss you everyday

And for that, I only resent myself.

Found an old journal, I was 16...

And I can create an entire narrative for you. Turning you into just another cliche. The one who I swore was different, but who turned out to be just like the rest. I could replace my sadness with anger and maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t want you anymore.

But at the end of the day, you’re more than just some words that I write down in my notebook. You’re more than just misplaced commas and fragmented sentences. You’re that feeling in the center of my rib cage when I hear the word “love”. You’re the face that pops into my mind when I hear that song on the radio... when I hear any song on the radio. I could make a villain out of you and pretend that all you did was leave me hurting. But the truth is the only reason I feel so broken is because you showed me how it felt to be whole. And no arrangement of words can ever describe the feelings you gave me. No scribbles from my pen will ever do you justice.

And maybe that’s what hurts the most.

How am I supposed to make a story out of you when you’ve rendered me speechless? For once in my life there isn’t a verb to describe what you did to me. There isn’t an adjective to describe how you made me feel. And that’s what makes you different. You’re not like all the others. You can’t be confined to some lines on a page. I can’t just write you off and store you with the rest of them. You aren’t some poem that I read aloud once and then forget about. I’ve had people steal my dignity, my pride, my innocence, and my self worth. But you. You are the worst of them. You stole my voice. You stole my words and replaced them with “i miss you” and “I need you” and “I want you”. And then you were gone. And for the first time in a long time, I have nothing left to say.

-unfinished/SM

There are some people out there who feel every ounce of pain as if it is a knife to the chest. There are some people out there who carry guilt on their back like an old shirt, that should’ve been thrown away years ago. There are some people out there who fall so hard that they decide it will hurt less if they never get back up. There are some people out there who have just felt so much, that they’ve learned sometimes it is better to use their heart less.

-Heartless/SM

To me, the worst feeling in the world isn’t loneliness, it’s emptiness. Its being surrounded by so much life and yet feeling so little. The world isn’t crashing down. It isn’t raining outside. Nobody is breaking my heart. I’m not sad, but I’m not happy either. I’m neutral. There’s a void inside of me that I can’t seem to fill. At this point, I think I’d rather be lonely, at least then I’d feel something.

-vacancy/SM

They tell me it wasn’t that bad,

At least you left me whole.

Sure I was damaged,

But at least I was still standing.

But sometimes I wish I let myself crumble,

I wish I fell apart so I could build myself up from scratch.

Because when the next boy came along, he knew I had cracks in my foundation.

And he chose to ignore it,

But I couldn’t.

And that’s how it went,

With the next guy,

And the guy after that.

Because you can patch up the holes,

And you can fill the cracks,

But still, I know.

I know I’ll never be as strong as I once was.

I know I’ll never have the heart I had when I met you.

And to me,

It doesn’t get worse than that

-Yet here I stand/SM

He was the nice guy. We'd only known each other for a few weeks, but I knew he was a once in a lifetime type of guy. He said he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend the next day. Nobody had ever asked me to be their girlfriend. But then again, I never let it get that far. Because there I was, at 2am, sitting on my front porch listing the reasons why I wasn't good enough for him. Tears were rushing down my face and neck, but they were cold. I didn't feel sad, I didn't even feel like crying, but for some strange reason I was. He was explaining to me all the good he could bring in to my life, and part of me was listening. But the other part of me was wondering how much longer this could possibly take. He asked me questions that I didn't really know how to answer, so I just stared straight ahead and pretended I was buried deep in emotional distress. I'm used to not feeling, but this was different. Because I did feel. I felt empty. Maybe that's why I was crying. I knew I would walk into my house and within a few days forget about all the times we had together. But the feeling of emptiness wouldn't go away as easily as he would. He said "you aren't ready now, what if you're never ready?". Wow, what a subtle dig, maybe he wasn't as nice as I thought. But he was. And somehow that made it hit a little deeper. Why am I still crying? Why are my tears still cold? Why am I still sitting here? I said a goodbye that was as unapologetic as it was emotionless and I went upstairs. That was 5 months ago. And it turns out I was right. Because every night around the same time, the feeling of emptiness takes over and that little voice in the back of my head whispers "what if you're never ready?"

-almost loved/SM

So for about a year and a half whenever I hear a relatable song lyric I write it in my notes. I like to save them because I think one of these days I'll use them as a picture caption. But I went back and read all of them today and it made me realize how much my attitude has changed over the past year and a half. You can see the difference phases in my life and how everything has progressed. I have been fighting a lot of inner demons for the last few years and it has been very rough. But I've been trying to cut toxic out of my life and change my lifestyle and I've definitely been so much happier lately. I'm posting this because I'm a big believer in "It's okay to not be okay. But just know that one day you will be", and I think this shows that.

I don’t need you. I can break my own heart just fine. And I do. Every single damn time.

I never believed you when you told me I was beautiful. But it's been years since you told me I wasn't enough anymore, and I still believe you.

-but my biggest mistake was believing you when you said you loved me/SM

You say I'm beautiful.

You ask me about my past,

And you tell me about your future.

Because it's 2am and you miss me.

But when the sun rises I no longer exist to you.

When it's 2 in the afternoon and you're with your friends or your family,

I don't even cross your mind,

While I'm wishing you would leave mine.

Yet I still fall for it

Every Single Time

Because I love you.

Even if you only love me when it's dark out.

-SM

"He told me he made a mistake. He confused a moth with a butterfly and didn't mean to love me."

-Why I'm so afraid to fly /SM

"I feel it too.

I feel the hurt and the pain.

I look in the mirror and wonder why

I just wasn't good enough.

I go to bed at night thinking about how little my love was worth to him.

But I'm told my feelings aren't valid.

Everything is my fault.

I'm called a whore, and a homewrecker.

I didn't know.

I swear I didn't know.

But nobody ever cares about the other girl.

I know he sure didn't."

-The other side/SM

The day my tears stopped burning as they streamed down my face, that was the day I stopped trying.

- I give up/SM

I wish I was 4 years old again and playing outside,

I wish I was 10 years old again and singing in the school choir,

I wish I was 16 years old again and walked out the door the moment you walked in.

I miss that girl.

The girl who was so naive to the idea of hurt,

The kind of hurt that makes you skip meals and reject sleep,

The kind of hurt that makes you pray for numbness because the feeling of emptiness is just too unbearable.

Your love was like a flower,

And I emptied myself as a watering can does on a hot summer's day in hopes that you would love me back.

But you grew too tall for me,

And decided I had nothing left to offer.

But still, I miss that girl.

The girl who could love so easily.

The girl who would pray for numbness because she felt too much.

I would give you pieces of myself and feel comfort in your acceptance of them.

And now?

Now I feel nothing.

I'll never have the heart I had when I met you.

You ruined that girl.

-I'll never be the same/SM

I was 6 years old and running around in my living room,

I bumped into a table and knocked a vase over,

It shattered into so many pieces.

If I didn't know better, I would have never guessed that all those little pieces once formed a vase.

And that's what you did to me.

You knocked me off of my feet.

And that little girl inside of me knew that everything that falls eventually breaks,

But the sound of your laugh seemed to drown her out.

She was right.

I fell for you.

And in the end, I couldn't even recognize myself.

If I didn't know better, I would have never guess that all those little pieces once formed a girl in love.

And just like that, I'm broken/SM

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