There is nothing I can do to feel better. I will never be stable. I am incapable of resilience any longer. I am sick with a chronic invisible illness. I’ve come to a point where I know in my heart of hearts I cannot get better, I cannot change and stay happy. I am set for a life of pain. I am stuck in this cycle of suicidal thoughts were these is no way out, only the guarantee that they will continue. At this point I’m not sure who knows, who cares, it doesn’t matter. My life is important. My life matters. I get to choose and this is my choice. I know it will hurt, surprise, devastate. I know. I know. I know.
What I don’t know is how I can continue to live in this misery. This feeling and thoughts are nearly every day. There is no respite. I’ve tried medication, hospitalization, therapy, TMS, exercise, diet, meditation. Some things help. Some things don’t. Nothing relieved these thoughts. Nothing. Hear me when I say I know what I’m doing. I am sane. I’m not crazy. I’m not unreasonable. I wish my pain was physical, visual. Because if it was my knee that hurt me non stop like this, at least I could cut it off. But it’s my god damn brain that is doing this to me. Although it could something else. I don’t think that would truly save me. I am not meant to be here. I am a waste of resources because those precious resources don’t help me. Give them to someone else who may benefit. I’m not getting better. I’m not changing. This is who I am. I have suffered for more than a decade. Please know I will be in a better place. One without pain. One where I’m not lost. One where I can breathe without weight. I’m not afraid for I know. I am a good person. I try my best. Only I am my enemy. I am a violent evil killer. I torture myself. My brain is broken. I wish I had died one my first attempt. I wish I had done this years ago. Now I will be free. Now I can let go. I am tired of living for everyone else in my life. I’m ready to live for myself. To do the one thing I’ve always wanted. I get to choose. This is the best option. I am not afraid. I am sorry though. I know this will hurt. It will hurt bad. It will hurt forever. I’m sorry. I know. With the pain you feel upon my death, know that I have felt that pain. I have been living with that pain for years. Loss, devastation, debilitating heart ache. I know your pain.
