There she is again
Staring blankly into my soul
She looks familiar
But the gaze feels like it's from a stranger
I dream of becoming one with her
Yet the gap between us is like stars away from earth
Who is she?
As I was looking into her eyes
She emits energy no one can unfold
Found courage to step a little closer
But the air was too tight that we started to pant
I think I know her
She wanted to extend her grip
Hoping to hold onto something steady
With hesitation—standing still—
She reclaimed her stance
Once again, I caught her eyes
Something glistened
Not long enough they fall down
"They will never understand", she whispers
I heard a voice
A glimpse of her face
Realized I'm looking in the mirror
Your presence tastes like that of a rose
Hearing your voice feels like a night in a cold, cold breeze
I can see rainbow whenever your name flashes through my eyes
And I smell sweetness every time I see your face
Every song tends to remind me of you
I want no help but I fear I need a cue
The one that will tell me you are my blue
Skin to skin I need nothing but the calmness it brings
I don't understand but whenever you speak, all I hear is your gaze
To be freed is not a dream, just let me be in your embrace
Will stay here and wait till my name splashes red in your life
There will be nights that you will feel these unexplainable feelings: your heart will feel heavy without knowing why. Next thing you know, there's something in your eyes that's blocking the sight, and then you will eventually feel it rolling down your cheeks. You'll hide in the dark, thankful that it's nighttime—discreetly wiping away the pain. No matter how hard you try to understand what's going on, it will only lead to more confusion. So, what's new? Just like usual, that burden will just add up to those unspeakable things you conceal.
That silver year was something else. I cannot imagine the tough times that I was able to survive—how am I even still here? Just like my 24-year-old self, I just gave in to the challenges and tried my best to at least see the brighter things that might be waiting for me the next day or week. I can say that I am the same as my 23-year-old self: lost, confused, and weak. Maybe the difference is that now I am more aware of my limitations and that my life is incomparable to others'. That 22-year-old Thatsohkaye still lives in my heart. That young adult who's not afraid to try new things I can still vividly remember how firm I was about getting my first ever tattoo. I was anxious but still pushed through since I'd already made my decision. Maybe it's my 10-year-old self saying that I have to enjoy life more. So now that I am stepping into my 26th year on this earth, I promise to help and trust myself more. I will now be closing my 25th page with a grateful and hopeful heart, positively looking forward to what the future holds as I am ready to explore life more. Thank you, self, for not giving up, and thank you, God, for making me feel that I can always return to You, no matter how tough my heart can get.
Journal entry #11: March 31, 2023 (a night before my birthday entry)
Dito sa mundong punong puno ng ingay
Sa iyong tinig lamang ako napapalagay
Paligid ma'y mapalibutan ng mga estranghero
Mata mo pa rin ang makikita—yun ang klaro
Panahon ma'y mag-iba
Palagi akong mapalad na nakilala ka
Sa akin ay sapat nang maramdaman ang 'yong presensya
Kailanma'y 'di ka lilimutin, iyan ang aking pasya
Journal entry #10: Late Valentine entry, Feb 15, 2023
I have no words to defend myself, 'coz it's true that I am far from being perfect. I sin, I make mistakes, and the list goes on; I'm a human after all. But I should also remind myself that that will never be an excuse to forget how to have a humble heart. I'll keep in mind that all my feelings are valid, but I should never invalidate someone's struggles because, at the end of the day, I have no idea what they are going through or what kind of chaos they have to bear in mind every single day. Everyone has their own battles to fight, just like all the silent battles I've won. So, this is a reminder to be the better one if others are inferior.
Nights will never sparkle without the presence of the stars. Silence and darkness embraced. Wind touches the skin, moves the hair, and brings calmness. As tears roll down the cheeks, there will be fingers to wipe them away. The lips will be sealed as the nose inhales the fresh air.
The absence of light brings togetherness of thoughts accumulated during the day. This is the best time to be free and think of nothing.
Hello 2023! Finally, 2022 is over, and the first day of the new year for me was filled with high energy and positivity, so I am hoping that it will continue for the rest of the year. Having a new year's resolution was never my thing, but there is this one thing that I wanted to do this year and hopefully for the coming years, and that is to be more wary of other people's feelings--more like being sensitive and accountable for everything that I will do or say. One thing that I learned about myself last year was that I am the type of person who doesn't want things dictated to her about what to believe or do. Of course, it will still depend on the situation, but when it comes to personal preference, I'd rather stick with my own beliefs and not be boxed in by the norm that was once believed by others. So I'd want to welcome the year by being more responsible and firm with my life decisions in a way that will benefit me and hopefully the people around me as well.
Trying to put your life together is a tough one especially if you are still seeking for the thing that you really want to do. For the people who are in their 20s, it will take a tiresome time to realize what shit they want to do with their lives.
It’s almost midnight and I am here, sitting on my bed—in front of my laptop—trying to put my thoughts into words. It is always hard for me to express, but I think it is time to be true to myself. Being in the age where you are expected to be good at the thing that you thought you are good at doing is a total nightmare. People will think that you must be good at this and that because this is what you are trying to pursue. But the real thing is, there are a lot of people who are way better that you—and you, you will never be recognized. Because of that, you will end up disappointing those who are expecting a lot from you; and you will disappoint the most important person in this journey, yourself. End of the game.
But, is it really where the story must end? I think no. At least I don’t think so. That is just the beginning of your story. There are no easy challenges in real life. If you are going to give up easily just because you feel like you already gave your all and you still cannot feel the positive outcome of it, then you are not yet giving the best fight that you could give. Keep in mind that, most of the successful people in the world did not wake up one morning with a million dollar in their hands. You don’t get the things that you want on a silver platter—you must work hard for it. Yes, it is cliché, but you must remind yourself that even richest person in the entire world is also having a lot of hard times just to do what he wants to do.
Along your way to the journey of your life, you’ll encounter problems. There are problems that are easy but there are also ones that might test your patience and your strength and giving up is never the answer. There are some people who are blessed to have an optimistic mindset and I envy those people. I have always dreamed of being a futuristic person, but I guess I just don’t want to set my hopes so high and end up being nothing. So, I always try to remind myself that I am still in the process of learning things and knowing myself more.
I hear the silence of the night and after a few hours, the sun will again rise. The sun is a reminder to me that for as long as there is a light to follow, my future is still bright. The darkness of the night is a reminder that everyone needs a break and just embrace the end of the day for tomorrow will be another day of struggling.
Just do you. Do what you want to do and don’t pressure yourself too much. Don’t get discouraged because of the people who are already there, in the process of reaching their goals and dreams in life. Your time will come. You have your own timeline. The world will surprise you and you will be in awe when God works and lead you to where you are supposed to be.
It feels great;
Waking up every morning feeling brave.
It feels great;
Opening the eyes with pleasure of being not alone.
It feels great;
Aware of the heart beating normal.
It feels great;
Having someone to hold on to.
But,
It is never great to realize everything is just a dream.
Being in the real moment--
as afraid as yesterday.
Being in the real moment--
feeling detached to everyone.
Being in the real moment--
anxiety causes heart beating fast.
Being in the real moment--
having only thyself to hold on to.
I'll miss the feeling of being excited about the first day of class.
I'll miss skipping breakfast just to have more time for sleep.
I'll miss wasting time staring at my closet thinking what I should wear for school.
I'll miss the daily routine (wake up early, take a bath, get dressed, leave home, ride a bus to school, attend class, go home, repeat).
I'll miss catching up with my friends every first day of school.
I'll miss having lunch and snack time with my friends.
I'll miss the feeling of being nervous about introducing myself to the professors during first day of classes.
I'll miss seing familiar faces on the hallway.
I'll miss the small talk with the acquaintances.
I'll miss throwing jokes with my classmates.
I'll miss asking my classmates for a yellow pad.
I'll miss turning a whole yellow pad into half or 1/4.
I'll miss borrowing ballpen from my classmate.
I'll miss attending class and pretending to be awake.
I'll miss taking pictures of the notes.
I'll miss having sleepless nights just to finish a requirement.
I'll miss feeling anxious about what grades I'll get to the subjects I hate.
I'll miss feeling thankful for getting a passing grade even though I know I never did my best.
I'll miss the written exams.
I'll miss the surprise quizes.
I'll miss having my name called during recitations.
I'll miss the recitations (though I often tend to say I don't know the answer just because I don't want to sound stupid--then will end up realizing that the answer I got in my head was actually correct).
I'll miss taking online exams.
I'll miss the student fare discount.
I'll miss arguing with my friends; 'where should we eat?'
I'll miss the heat of the sun touching my skin every time I walk towards our building.
I'll miss riding three different transportation vehicles just to get to the university.
Hanggang ngayon ay hinahanap pa rin ang sarili. Bakit ba ganito, baka pagtanggap muna ang dapat unahin. Bawat luhang pumapatak, hindi alam ang dahilan. Wala kang dapat ipangamba, yan ang sabi ng iba. Ngunit mas malakas ang sigaw ng puso at isipan, “mukang wala kang patutunguhan.”
Ibang ako ang nais kong makilala. Ibang ako ang gusto kong iharap sa madla. Ibang ako ang hanap ng tao. Oo sila, sila na walang kinalaman sa akin. Sila ang palaging inaalala. Huwag ako ang sisihin, hindi ko rin alam ang aking sasabihin. Huwag mo akong tatanungin ng anumang tungkol sa akin. Huwag ngayon.
Balang araw, sana sarili ay makita. Balang araw, sana sarili ay mahalin. Balang araw, sana sarili ay tanggapin.
It’s been three days since I got back from Korea and it is just now that I am feeling overwhelmed with all the things that I experienced during the tour in South Korea that is why I am writing this blog entry; to have something to read when I want to remember everything. But, nothing will beat the heart and mind when it comes to memory holder.
One of the most unforgettable experience was when me and my friends (we were 5) and some Communications Arts students were the only group who are in line at the immigration in NAIA at 4:40 pm and our boarding time was 4:40. We were so annoyed because the immigration was so slow and the others were already at the gate. Good thing that our flight was delayed.
We arrived at the Incheon International Airport at around 11 pm. It was the first international flight of most of the students who joined the study tour and in my case, Korea was the second country that I was able to visit.
Upon arriving at Incheon, we can’t help but compare the airport to NAIA. The immigration line was fast and we don’t have to wait for at least half an hour (by the way, I think we waited for like an hour in the immigration at NAIA) another bonus is the free WiFi--that is also very fast--which all of us needed to update our families in the Philippines.
We were tired and sleepy at the same because it was almost midnight when we arrived in Korea. But we were all excited especially those who are Kpop and KDrama fans. It was 10 ° C when we got there. We were welcomed by Judy who substituted our real tour guide because he wasn’t able to pick us up. Judy was very welcoming and nice and she made sure that she was able to talk to all of us and she made us feel home.
This is Judy explaining us the do’s and don’ts when we reach the hotel. She was naughty and very jolly. She was so kind and actually, I feel sad that time because she is not the one who will tour us around Korea. But she assured us that our tour guide is also great, and she kept on saying that he is ‘very good looking’ and that he is an ‘oppa’.
I wasn’t able to take a picture of the hotel, but it was so nice. The only concern that I had during the stay there was that it has no bidet and the only thing that we can use when we use the toilet was tissue. And it was very funny because it was also the concern of my friends.
Below is the morning view of the hotel from our room. Btw, the room assignment was by pair.
This has been my view for five days. Its beauty was breathtaking, and I love to open the curtain just to see this view.
Every morning, we had a morning call from the hotel at 5:30 in the morning and we usually go to the dining area to eat our breakfast at 6:30 or 7:00 AM. I can still feel the excitement that we felt during the first day. We lacked sleep, but we still had the energy for the whole day. And of course, the first thing we had on the first day was breakfast.
It was a buffet but since I don’t eat that much during breakfast, this was the only food that I got because it will suffice the need of my tummy for the whole morning.
And the first itinerary for the first day was a seminar. It was educational, and I believe that we learned a lot even though some of the students fell asleep during the almost 8-hour seminar (including myself haha). But even though I was sleepy the entire seminar, I still learned a lot. One of the things that I learn or the realization that I had was to give importance to the films that are being produced because the production and actors are working really hard just to give a quality film to the people. The seminar was held at the Hansung University and the university was huge and is pleasing to the eye. Of course we did not let the day pass without having a little photo shoot inside the university.
The day went fine. And before we head on to Dongdaemun plaza to have a little shopping, we had our dinner--a Korean BBQ buffet. All I can think of that time was to live the moment. I was so full during dinner time because we had our lunch at 1 pm already and we ate dinner before 6 pm. But, I said to myself, “make the most out of it” since I won’t be able to eat like that always.
Now I am losing track of the details of the tour HAHA. I will just write freely all the feels during the study tour.
One of the best experiences was the street foods--though I couldn’t try all of them, but at least I tried some--and I got jealous because I wish the street foods in the Philippines are safe to eat just like in Korea (well, based on how it looks).
It was great to experience Korean street foods. The price ranges from 1,000 to 3,000 won or higher. In that cheap price, you’ll get to satisfy your cravings and your hunger will disappear as if you ate a heavy meal. I’d love to try them again and this time, all of them. Now I know why most of the Filipinos love to eat Korean street foods and I can’t blame them for loving those kinds of foods.
I was also very satisfied with the buffet/unli foods that was included on our payment.
I know there is something wrong on the last picture HAHAHA my bad. I don’t know the purpose of every spaces in that plate (or whatever they call it) but I enjoyed it. If there is one reason for me to go back to Korea, that would be the foods.
But it will be unfair for the aesthetic places and tourist destinations of Korea if they will not be included in the reasons to go back.
There are more pictures to show and more stories to tell but I will settle for these since it sums up my experience and I will hold all the memories in my heart and in my mind.
To wrap this up, I would say, April 23-27 year 2018 was one of the best days/weeks of my life. Too many memories to reminisce, too many realizations to remember, and too many hopes to pray for.
If ever there will be a chance, I would really love to go back to Korea, and this time hopefully, to visit other places that we weren’t able to visit. I want to visit more historical places and learn more about them.
Here’s another reason why the tour was a memorable one. We were there when the historical event in Korea happened. The inter-Korean summit and the two Korean presidents met when we were at the MBC. It may be a simple day, but for Korea, it was a history and they’ve been waiting for this moment to happen for so long. I’d love to see the peaceful Korea soon and I will celebrate with them when that happens. You are nearly there, Korea. Congratulations and thank you for a wonderful memory.
