Where is My Mind? || Mutation
The words always started out in whispers, far off sounds Thayer wasn't sure he had heard at all. It was easier to handle in public, at least when he wasn’t alone he could pretend that there was someone really talking. The problem was, someone really was. Stupid, it hissed in his ear. Look at you. You’re so stupid. It rang through and through, a steady chorus throughout his waking hours. Stupid. Each breath he took. Stupid. With ragged shudders Thayer covered his ears till claw marks from nails clasped too tightly marked his cheeks. Laughter, there was always laughter. It was callous, sent chills down his spine, even worse than his mother’s laugh. Some were almost innocuous, speaking in low sweet tones, whispering words he couldn’t make out. And then he could. Jump, jump now, jump out the window. Do it, do it. Do it. Not even strumming his guitar made them go away anymore, Thayer could play until his fingers bled but someone was always taunting him. No, no, no don't. Don't even walk by the window. The ugliest voice, that belonged to his mother. She tied his stomach in knots like no one else. Disgusting. Mercer couldn’t know, Mercer can’t know. You should tell him. Tell him. Blurt it out now. Tell him. Tell your brother he deserves to know how awful you are. Instead Thayer crumpled into himself, into a whimpering pile on his bedroom floor. He was supposed to be safe, he had escaped them, his mother, all their clients, everyone who ever touched him and yet here they were. Stupid.
“It’s all in your head, it’s all in your head, it’s all in your head Thay.” God, that’s the problem, it’s all in my head, now get it out. Stupid. Ragged breaths rattled against his ear drums, the heavy breath he would know anywhere, a client’s. Ohh Thayer. Thayer go harder. It whimpered and clawed and it was all he could do to throw up. Stupid. “Thayer!” Flinching, Thayer only balled up tighter. It was almost impossible to tell which was real and which was not. God, they were all real. It isn’t real, it isn’t real, it’s not real, you’re alone, you’re safe. At this point he could hardly tell what was his internal monologue and what was a monster curling up in the corners of his head. It all blurred together. “Thayer!” All he could choke out was a no, desperately trying to tell them to leave him alone. Stupid. All he wanted was his head back, all he wanted was his own body back and it had never really been his at all. That, his mother was reminding him with a vengeance. More laughter, more awful laughter, more breathing. More blood. And then someone lay a hand on his arm.
Flinching into action he scrambled away, shrieking the most ferocious “No!” he had in him. One moment Thayer found himself prepared to fight, fists balled up so tightly that his palms burned, the next, the whole room around them shuddered. Windows shattered and Mercer, his brother, his real real brother who was really speaking, was thrown on his back. The sight struck horror through Thayer’s bones. Mercer wasn’t moving, why wasn’t he moving? You’re bad. In an unsteady scramble he found himself on his knees, desperately clutching the collar of his brother’s shirt. Stupid. “Merce! Merce- Oh mon Dieu, je suis tellement désolé, je suis désolé oh mon dieu réveiller.” The words poured from his lips in a panic. Thayer cupped his face, trying to make his brother wake up. That was when he realized there was blood on his fingers and it sure as hell wasn’t his own. “Shit!” He jumped back, eyes wide. You’re disgusting. There was blood slipping down to the rug, coming from his ears. A panic stronger than the fear of his monsters and his voices welled up in his chest and tangled through his rib cage.
“What the fuck, Thay?”
In desperate painful weary relief, a cry left his lips. Mercer's eyes were open, Mercer was awake, Mercer was alive. “I was- s-so scared.” Thayer wrapped his arms tightly around his brother, selfishly holding him close. Stupid. A rattly shudder escaped his lungs, so overwhelmed, so unbelievably happy that his brother was alright, that he hardly paused to consider what he had just done or how he had knocked him off his feet. You're bad.
"What did you just do?" "W-what?" Thayer dared a furtive glance around the room, horror filling his lungs at the sight of shattered glass littering the floor. Everything was knocked apart and tossed in heaps. Oh God. Had he done that? Everything had been in order, he had put it all away himself. Was he hallucinating? Look at what you did. Look at it. You're stupid. You touched it all didn't you? Burying his head hard as he could into Mercer's shoulder, Thayer's shoulders rocked with ragged sobs. "What's h-happening to me?" Stupid. You ruin everything you touch. "What's happening to me!?"
