have you noticed that when you feel the urge to change someone, what you really want is for them to behave more like you?
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you cannot build a deep connection with someone who is disconnected from themselves.
when we are in the habit of ignoring what we feel or consistently run away from hard parts of ourselves, distance is created not just between us and ourselves but also between us and other people. our lack of a full embrace of all that we are can make our interactions with others superficial. even if there is a desire to connect deeply with someone, that connection will encounter limits and will only ever reach a depth equal to the relationship we have with ourselves. our personal degree of self-awareness will reflect dimly or brightly on whomever crosses our path.
if we can observe our emotions with open arms full of compassion, it will be much easier to show up and support others when they are going through a moment of personal turbulence. if we can embrace our own complexity, we will have patience as we learn more about those closest to us. if we have experience facing our own hard truths and being present through our personal ups and downs, we will have the emotional fortitude to wisely handle challenging moments in a relationship without immediately running away.
there is no other way to a life of fulfillment, happiness, and vibrant connections, but through thoroughly traveling the realms of our own heart and mind. areas that remain undiscovered are areas of potential friction that may manifest in our own mind or between us and the ones we love. all that is unexplored can show up as blocks that can stop the flow of harmony.
if we are accustomed to brave observation and practicing acceptance when inner turbulence tries to bring our attention to an unexplored or unloved part of ourselves, then the moments of friction within us or in our relationships will not become blocks. instead, these tough moments will become fertile ground to deepen our connection and refine our commitments. simply stated, putting the effort into knowing ourselves can only help us know others better. loving ourselves is essential if we want to live a good life.
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when you feel agitated because you think someone you love is not growing quickly enough, remember that you had to go slowly before you could make real progress. managing your expectations and knowing that people grow at their own speed will save you from interrupting your peace.
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attachment is not: having desires, goals, or personal preferences attachment is: the mental tension you feel when you do not get exactly what you crave; it is refusing to accept change or let go of control
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when desire combines with tension, it morphs into craving. attachment is when you start craving things to be a certain way. craving is an extreme form of desire that quickly attaches to different ways of feeling and the objects/situations/ people that produce these feelings. attachment is also when you try to place restrictions on the unexpected and natural movements of reality. it is a heightened form of the desire for control.
as the buddha put forth in his teaching, craving itself gives birth to attachment. this dense form of clinging to what we crave not only causes much mental struggle, tension, and dissatisfaction, but it also clouds our ability to objectively observe what is happening within and around us.
wanting and craving are not the same thing. simply wanting is a natural pursuit that focuses our energy. craving occurs when wanting deepens and becomes filled with tension or stress. the stress worsens when we do not succeed in getting the thing we crave.
craving is ultimately the source of our mental struggle and dissatisfaction. even when our attachments are successful in molding reality, we still find ourselves dissatisfied because craving is an endless pit. once the sensation we pursued has passed, the mind will return to craving more because craving is what it knows best.
it is important to note that there is a substantial difference between craving and having goals or preferences. it is possible to pursue our aspirations without the stress that comes with craving and attachment. it is good and healthy to pursue our goals, but it serves us best to do so wisely and in a manner that does not make our happiness dependent on future achievements.
we know that something is a preference or a simple desire when we do not have the fate of our happiness connected to its realization. we know it is a preference when things do not happen the way we want them to and we accept this reality without the intensity of pain or hurt; we know something is an attachment when we feel mental tension, pain, and misery when we do not get what we crave.
old patterns do not give up easily. they will try to keep pulling you into reactions that lead into repeating the past. but in time, after not feeding them for a while and continually practicing your ability to pause and respond, they weaken and become easier to let go. they may still appear as an option occasionally but will not have the same strength as before. this is the turning point, the shift that changes everything, the leap forward you have been waiting for, the victory when it becomes clear that you have moved beyond the past and into a new life where you have matured enough to intentionally be your own person.
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learning how to breathe and be okay when my mind feels dark and gray to accept this passing moment without suppression or lasting fear to know that the clouds moving through me do not define who i am or who i will be learning the art of letting go has been the skill my mind has always sought now i see that i am a river always changing while moving gently in the direction of total liberty
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they asked her, âwhat is real happiness?â she answered, âhappiness is not fulfilling every pleasure or getting every outcome you desire. happiness is being able to enjoy life with a peaceful mind that is not constantly craving more. it is the inner peace that comes with embracing change.â (being)
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we often desire change in our lives, yet we reject the changes that come about spontaneously. this is a recipe that will repeatedly serve us misery. a mind full of attachments craves the fulfillment of its yearning and attempts to mold the world into the shape it desires. when we are controlled by our attachments, we not only lose our peace of mind; we miss the opportunity to enjoy lifeâs natural unfolding. in fact, all of the things we love and appreciate exist because of continuous change. without change, life itself would not be possible. real happiness arises when we can love ourselves and the world while welcoming and appreciating change. this does not mean that we should live like rocks and allow the river of change to flow around us. love naturally motivates us to attempt to mold the world in a way that enhances love, but wisdom also teaches that we should not get attached to things existing in an exact way, because change will always come.
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being okay with not being okay does not make things automatically better, but it does stop you from adding more tension to an already difficult situation being okay with not being okay helps you let go
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tough feelings and agitated thoughts cannot take over your life when you meet them with ease, acceptance, and a calm mind. sometimes these old imprints bring with them visceral, rough feelings that have been locked away but suddenly have the space they need to momentarily arise and evaporate. an important part of letting go is feeling without reinforcingâyou can be honest with yourself about the heavy emotions that come up and choose not to act them out or make them worse. if you meet the rough parts of yourself with gentleness, they will melt away, leaving you lighter and giving you more space to act from a place of wisdom. all you need to do is be okay with not being okay during tense moments of release.
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throw away the idea that you need to pause your life until you are fully healed; this is a different way of being attached to perfection. progress happens when you make better decisions in the midst of living. you can simultaneously heal your past while being open to the present.
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how many times have you been unable to fully enjoy a special moment because you couldnât stop thinking about what was missing?
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the mind attempts to see the world in a way that affirms its conditioning. our perception takes in the present by categorizing and understanding what is happening through its similarity to the pastâthis creates a system of repetition that strengthens old patterns. new events are normally not perceived in their full clarity because their similarity to past situations triggers old emotional reactions, which quickly cloud the mindâs ability to observe what is happening objectively. we are seeing today and simultaneously feeling all of our yesterdays.Â
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when trauma becomes a part of your identity, it is harder to heal. the narratives that define how you see yourself need space to change. acknowledging your past is important, but so is doing the work to unbind those old patterns so you can move beyond them. allowing your sense of self to be fluid will support your happiness. change is always happening, especially within you.
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expectations cause great misery for the individual. we are constantly creating narratives of how we want things to be and how we want others around us to act. these narratives invariably lead to disappointment because the stories we crave are often dashed and broken by unrealistic expectations, circumstances beyond our control, and the randomness of the external world.
we forget that what unites all human beings is our ignorance and room for improvement. we each carry conditioning that clouds our perspective. our time on earth is an opportunity to overcome mental limitations such as unforgiving expectations and a desire to control everythingâlimitations that impede us from complete freedom and happiness.Â
as we do the work of examining our inner world, it is unfair for others to expect us to be perfect and for us to expect others to be perfect, especially when âperfectâ often means having others fulfill our every desire. in a world full of imperfect people, patience and forgiveness become essential.
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it is easier to let go of someoneâs opinion of you when you understand that others see you through a combination of their past conditioning and their current emotional state without realizing it, they see themselves first, and through that lens they get an unclear picture of you
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there may be times when you feel like a lot of what youâve understood no longer makes sense. this might make you feel as though you have regressed, but it is actually a sign that you are opening new space for deeper wisdom and greater perception. when your previous understandings disintegrate, they are not always immediately replaced by better or deeper understandings. when you take your growth seriously, you will often find yourself in this in-between state; it is okay to live without clear answers. growth is not about forcing understanding; it is about allowing it to grow organically. (shedding and expansion)
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as you shed old programming and your perspective expands, what you once enjoyed may shift and situations that once caused tension may no longer trouble you. as your mind becomes clearer and lighter, the world begins to look new. periods of integration, in which you get to know yourself again, are just as important as great leaps forward.Â
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it is not about managing your emotions; it is about managing your reactions to your emotions
our reactions tell us what our mind has internalized from our past experiences. they are dense patterns that rise from the deep subconscious to protect us. this form of defense is not based on wisdom but on survival. when we start expanding our self awareness, we begin to see that in moments of turbulence we have more effective options than repeating blind behaviors, which produce limited results that generally wipe away our clarity and inner peace.
we are not trying to control or manage the way we feel. we are trying to accept the shifts in our mood as the mind weaves through the large spectrum of emotions, moving from one emotion to the next, spending more time in some than others, but still traveling the whole human experience.
we immediately and unconsciously react to strong emotions. our reactions not only strengthen the emotion we are feeling; they imprint upon and accumulate within the subconscious, priming us to react similarly in the future.
we can manage our reactions, not by controlling what we feel, but by bringing awareness into the process. it is hard to change if you cannot see yourself. the light of awareness is especially useful when our reaction to a momentary emotion starts to undo our balance and mental clarity. our awareness lights up the darkness and helps us to see more options and information.
when we remember that emotions are impermanent just like everything else in this universe, it becomes easier for us to stand next to the river that is the human mind and watch as things flow by. self-awareness helps us overcome blind reactions that make already difficult situations more turbulent. without self-awareness, it is difficult to make choices that differ from those you have made in the past.
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