(1/2) Hello, I send this again because I read that you did not receive the first part, here I go, I read some of your sections and you write well, but after reading 2 oh 3 I realized that something is wrong with me, the submission, the domination, the ties, necklaces, nicknames ... it made me feel uncomfortable and disgusted, I felt that everything I read was not consensual, like a violation,I thought that everything was forced and I wanted to cry
Thanks for writing in. It’s really good that you’ve recognized the inconsistency in your thinking and are reaching out, but I’m going to be very direct and then give you resources to help challenge these ideas if you’d like to. The ideology you seem to be unknowingly operating under is that of radical feminism. And I’m not referring to the academic definition of radical feminism, I’m referring to the cultural definition which is more akin to misandry (as you pointed out yourself).
Your ask tells me several things. First, you do not understand the practice of BDSM, and possibly even intimate relationships (neither of which is inherently problematic, by the way. We all have to learn somehow!) Second, you are correct in that you have an unhealthy hatred of men that might be shaped by bad experiences or biased opinions. And third, that BDSM is not for you and you should not engage in it or consume content with it as a theme.
1: I say you do not understand the practice of BDSM (which isn’t a problem, unless you develop radical ideas), because this is what I read when I read your ask:
"When I read BDSM fics I see it as the dominant character controlling and punishing the other character against their will. I hate this when it's a woman. But when it's a man I like it."
I can only assume that your opinions of BDSM are based on fanfiction and negative media portrayals of it. Every single second of a real-life BDSM scenario should be consensual. Meaning the partners should both engage in it with enthusiastic consent (”YES! I want to do this!” versus “O-Okay... we can try it.”). Almost all of my stories are written with enthusiastic consent that, while not overtly expressed, is apparent in the subtext.
I am a submissive female (mostly). I thoroughly enjoy when a partner I love, trust, and am attracted to, takes control within boundaries set prior to a scene. Telling me there is no way I can express this part of myself consensually is to deny me my autonomy. Radfems overcorrect to the point that they start to control women’s behavior, therefore becoming oppressors themselves.
I’m sure you’ve come across posts where someone writes something like, “Women shouldn’t have to degrade themselves by wearing collars and leashes while having sex for a man’s pleasure. There is nothing wrong with vanilla sex.” Which while, yes this is correct, it insinuates that there is some campaign against vanilla sex because kinkier sex is becoming more accepted in the mainstream. That’s a myth. Real feminism is allowing women autonomy and not giving them shit for WHATEVER they decide to do with their bodies and consenting partners.
2: You seem to have developed a hatred towards men, one that you acknowledge yourself.
This can be the result of many factors. We do live in a patriarchal society and seeing dudes try and control our bodies, and succeed far too often, can wear on you eventually. Though it is important to realize, ya know... #notallmen.
Maybe you surround yourself with people who hate men and talk about how awful they are frequently. This constant stream of negativity worms its way into your brain and becomes an ever-present voice in the back of your head. My advice in this case would be, find new friends. Anyone who operates on extremes (“All men are BAD, all women are BAD” “all republics are uneducated racists, all dems are stupid and violent.”) has not developed critical thinking, or they have a personal bias that clouds their judgement and keeps them from being objective. Surround yourself with different types of people to broaden your horizons.
My other guess is you’ve had a bad experience that makes you hate men.
Regardless of the answer, I think you would really benefit from speaking to a therapist. If you look at my masterlist, at the bottom is a link with mental health resources where you can find one to fit your needs and your budget. This bubbling hatred hurts you more than anyone else.
If you were to engage in a BDSM scene YOU would be a danger to your partner because of your mindset. A submissive in a D/s dynamic needs to be able and willing to express discomfort and set up boundaries for themselves, so the dominant never goes too far. The dominant needs to constantly look at their partner for signs of discomfort or unease, and know when to stop a scene. Both parties need to be ready and willing to have open conversation, and understand that BDSM is about mutual pleasure and freedom, NOT controlling another person or giving someone complete control of you. If that is how anyone sees BDSM, they should not practice it. There is no shame in being vanilla. I prefer it that way myself sometimes.
Hopefully this has helped you a bit. Also, please do not read content that makes you uncomfortable. It’s a form of emotional self-harm. Stop reading once you realize it’s going down a path that makes you feel bad. You are responsible for the content you consume, and taking care of yourself is important.
