Post all things
–Apartment 42, Alexandria VA, 1:00 am
Scully was finding it difficult to look at herself in the mirror. It wasn’t because she was ashamed, it was because she didn’t recognize the person she saw. This scared her as much as it intrigued her. She wasn’t the same. As much as she wanted to look away, she couldn’t. She pulled her green sweater down over her smooth abdomen and twisted to the side to tug at the zipper on her black slacks. She smoothed her hair, took one last glance, and stepped out of Mulder’s bathroom.
Her blazer was tossed over a trunk at the foot of his bed. She shrugged into it, taking a moment to pass her eyes over Mulder’s sleeping frame which was silhouetted in the moonlight that shined through his 4th floor window. He looked so peaceful, so content. She was sure he was content. She just wasn’t so sure that she was. She had no problem with what had happened in and of itself. It was she who initiated the rendezvous. Waking up on Mulder’s couch to find she must have dozed off when they were talking last night, she found herself in a strange mood. She felt…free - uninhibited in a way she hadn’t felt…maybe ever. She had never realized before in all the years since she had left Daniel that part of her was still in that place. Part of her never left him, that side of herself willing to take a chance – willing to risk being hurt for a chance at love. That version of herself had been so far removed from who she was now. She was older and wiser, and arguably more jaded by love and the world as a whole. But as she finally faced down that part of herself, looked Daniel in the eyes and searched one last time for whatever it was that had once held her there, transfixed, mesmerized by this man, she knew it was gone, never to return. Two souls who were once connected by whatever cord links us together as more than just humans, as more than just mere lovers, but as travelers together, as partners, were no longer joined. They could grasp until eternity for that link, hope and wish for its ends to once again be fused together, but there was too much distance. They were no longer the same people who had fallen in love so long ago. She wasn’t sure now if it even was love. Not really. Maybe in the way two sixteen-year olds fall in love. Maybe in the way a young girl has a crush on her science teacher. But now it’s as if that void in her heart this man once filled was not a void any longer. Her relationship with Daniel seemed so juvenile, so shallow compared to what she felt with Mulder. Daniel made it clear he still loved her. He loved her to the point it was bordering on obsession. That frightened her. It suffocated her. It had become something that was more about him than anything. It was about what he wanted, not what they needed.
She said goodbye, thankful for the time they had, but grateful to close the door on that part of her life. Saying the words, telling him goodbye, she gleaned the closure she never even knew she needed, absolving herself of an old guilt that had been buried deep, hoping to be forgotten. And then there was Mulder – the enigmatic, frustrating, brilliant, stubborn, tender, passionate man, her friend, her partner. He had called her a couple of times over the weekend. She hadn’t answered. She wasn’t ready to talk to him yet. But he deserved to hear her explain herself.
Mulder had shown her much respect and care over the years. He looked out for her, as she looked out for him. There was always something there, a tension, a certain tangible awareness of the other they never acknowledged aloud. It was more than simply a friendship. That they both knew. It was most certainly a strong bond of some sort, a bond solidified by their experiences together working on the X-Files. What they had seen and experienced, no one else would believe or could even fathom. This placed them in a world of their own. They were two of a kind, polar opposites on the surface, but beneath that, bound together by the simple knowledge that she was by his side and he was by hers, and together, they could face the darkness. She needed his passion and recklessness. She only recently realized she craved it. She had always been drawn to driven, powerful men. Mulder wasn’t exactly powerful, but his determination and disregard for anything that stood in his way made him a force to be reckoned with. She was always such a stickler for the rules, raised by a stern, disciplined man whose every possession, every action, and every thought was rational, organized, and planned out. She loved her father, idolized him even, yearned for his affection and attention, and she missed him every day. But she was so much like him, she was drawn to the opposite of him. Mulder was most certainly nothing like her father.
She often had wondered what they would have thought of each other. She’s sure Mulder would have found her father cold and rigid, while Ahab would find her partner too spontaneous and ungrounded. Neither of them would have been wrong. But she was fine with that, stuck somewhere betwixt the two, her father’s rearing encouraging her to fly straight, to make him proud, to shirk any silly notions presented before his sensible, logical doctor daughter, to succeed in every traditional sense of the term - and Mulder’s open mindedness, flaunting of any rule that stands in his way, do what needs to be done in the moment. Her scientific mind lent itself to organization, to the comfort and security of black and white rules and a long-established methodology, but it also very much had planted an insatiable curiosity in her from a very young age. These men, these three men whom she had loved the most in her life, were like mirrors reflecting back some portion of herself. No longer did she recognize what she saw in Daniel. It had decayed and turned sour. Her father she would always love and forever cherish, but he had long since passed. He would always be with her, but she couldn’t live for his approval. She knew he was proud of her, even if she hadn’t taken the path he had so wanted for her because, as her mother had told her at his funeral, he was her father. And then there’s Mulder.
–FBI Headquarters, J. Edgar Hoover Building, Washington, D.C. 8:30 am–
He’d be here any minute now, hair just a little messy, his tie probably not matching his shirt, and he was going to expect a conversation. She braced herself, knowing she wasn’t ready to explain all of this to him. She’d barely just come to terms with it herself. But he would want to know why she had slid off his couch half asleep and found her way into his bed Friday night. What made her do it. They weren’t lovers. They had never even kissed. Well, except for New Year’s. But that doesn’t count. Not really. He was always the one there, though. When she was sick, when she was hurt, but she never truly let him in. Fear was her kryptonite, and she could never seem to allow herself to show it except on rare occasions. When Donnie Pfaster had run her off the road and taken her to do God knows what to her, she was scared in a way she never had been before. Her training at the Academy had taught her what to do in almost every situation imaginable. But no amount of training can prepare you for living your worst nightmare. That man was a monster of the worst kind, and he terrified her. And for a fleeting moment, she allowed Mulder to see it. She lowered her walls and let him hold her up when she was crumbling.
She didn’t know why she kept him at arm’s length. It was nothing he had done. He had proven himself loyal - as loyal as they come. He had literally searched to the ends of the earth to save her, nearly getting himself killed more than once, and almost freezing to death. He had gently wrapped her in his coat and warm outer clothing, bundled her up to shield her from the arctic air. He had carried her to safety, and he would not and could not rest until he knew she was safe. She watched him blearily that day on the ice as he lost what little strength he had left and his body forced him to rest. His face lay against the cold earth, this man who had risked it all, not caring how or if he would get back home, not caring how cold it was or how slim his chances were of actually ever finding her. She couldn’t let him lie there like that, and it had given her the strength to sit up and take his limp body into her arms. She had held him on the frozen ground, this man whose dedication to her clearly knew no bounds. He had traveled by plane, helicopter, and Snowcat to get to her, armed only with a piece of paper and hope. She had cradled his head and tried to warm his shivering body. She knew in that moment what he had done for her, realized at least dimly where she was, and that had it not been for him, she would have died there, never having been found, her mother never knowing what had happened to her baby girl.
There was an innocent selflessness about Mulder. For someone so driven, the fact that he could forsake all, throw it all away in a moment to save her meant all the more. He put her first, even early on in their work together. It didn’t take her long to realize where his priorities lie. She knew in her heart what they had to be a precious thing. It was something difficult to put into words. And she didn’t want to lose it.
She heard the familiar hum and click of the elevator doors and knew he was there. His familiar step grew closer, and she could suddenly feel his eyes on her from the doorway.
“Morning, Scully,” as he sauntered into his office, keeping his eyes on her, summing her up.
She pulled her eyes away from her papers and met his stare.
“Morning, Mulder.”
She met his eyes for one fleeting moment and went back to her work, her expression neutral, unreadable. Mulder cleared his throat, slightly uncomfortable, realizing he was going to have to be the one to break the ice. He came over to where she was sitting at the desk and leaned on it, looking at her expectantly.
“Scully?”
She gave a half-interested “mmm?” without looking up again. She clearly wasn’t going to make this easy.
“Scully, would you look at me, please?” he said, mildly frustrated.
She paused, took a deep breath and looked up into his face.
“Can we talk?”
“Of course, Mulder.” She gave a half grin, feigning nonchalance.
He leaned around his desk, pulled a chair up beside her, and eased himself into it, deep in thought, searching for the right words. For a moment, he just stared open-mouthed at the floor, not sure how to begin. He shook his head and sighed. He finally looked at her and asked,
“What was that, Scully? Did that really happen? I’ve been trying to call you all weekend.”
He put his head down, a bit embarrassed and a bit angry that she had been refusing his calls.
“I…I don’t know, Mulder. I just…I just needed some time.”
She put her head down once again, still refusing to face him.
She knew Mulder would soon have one of two reactions to the tension in the room. He’d either appeal to her tender side and be calm and concerned, or he’d be angry and hurt. She was thankful it was actually a healthy dose of both.
“I didn’t know what to think, Scully. I was worried about you. You just left, and I couldn’t get hold of you…” Then he softened his voice and stood so he could come kneel by her chair. He gently pulled her chair so she swiveled around to face him. He placed a palm gently against her cheek, stroking her cheekbone with his thumb. “Are you okay?” He asked in a firm, eyebrows raised, I’ll-know-if-you’re-lying yet kind way. She looked him in the eye and honestly smiled and nodded. Satisfied with her answer, he returned to his chair, not saying another word until she continued the conversation.
Several moments went by with him absent-mindedly rifling through a stack of paperwork from his In basket, signing, checking, and filing. Scully broke the silence with,
“Mulder? Do you regret it?”
“No, do you?” She shook her head.
“Scully, what is this? What are we?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, where do you see us in 5 years, 10 years? What is this between us? What if we were separated again, or what if one of us left the Bureau. What would that mean? After 7 long years I think it’s time we had a talk.”
“I’ve never felt like it needed to be dissected, Mulder.”
“It didn’t. Until now. Things are different now, Scully. You can’t deny that. We can’t go back and undo it. And I’m not saying I want to. But WHY did it happen at all?”
This question had plagued her for the past two days. She had turned it over in her mind more times than she could count, and still she was no closer to an answer. “What do you want me to say, Mulder?”
He stood up, hands up in the air in frustration, speaking slightly louder than necessary, “The truth, Scully. That’s all I want. We talk about everything, we can debate philosophy and religion, science and conspiracy theories, you even told me once that you trust me with your life.” He sighed and lowered his voice. “But why can’t you trust me with the truth?”
Exasperated, she replied, “Because I don’t know what the truth is, Mulder. I can’t answer you because I don’t know the answer.”
“I think you do, but it just scares you. You can’t admit it to yourself,” he grinned slightly, satisfied with what he perceived as a highly accurate summation.
Agitated by his presumption, “Well, if you know my heart so well, why don’t you just tell me?”
“Scully, do you remember what I said to you when I woke up in the hospital after going off looking for that ship last year?”
“You said a lot of things, Mulder. You were drugged up. You weren’t making any sense.”
“I know what I said, and I meant every word. Every word, Scully. Maybe you thought I was talking out of my head. Maybe you just hoped I was, but I wasn’t.” She had replayed that moment in her head dozens, hundreds of times over since that night. At first, she thought it was ridiculous. Then she found it funny. Then she thought it may have been sincere. That last theory felt strange. He had sounded like he meant it. But what if he hadn’t? And even if he had, what did it even mean? Of course they loved each other in a platonic sense, they were close friends. But is that what he had meant? The truth was, she had a lot of feelings for him, but they were such a knotted, tangled mess she couldn’t begin to make sense of them.
“I’m just really overwhelmed right now, Mulder. After everything with Daniel and then what happened with us…I just need some space to think.”
“I can respect that, Scully. I just want you to know that we can’t just brush this under the rug. We have to talk about it eventually.” She wearily closed her eyes and nodded reluctantly in agreement. “Just answer me this one thing: Are you angry with me? Do you feel I took advantage of you or something? Is it me?” That stung. The pain in his voice, the fact that he actually thought she blamed him or was upset with him pained her to her core. It pierced her through to realize she hadn’t even considered his feelings. Not really. She actually was giving him the cold shoulder, but not out of anger. She knew that was still very unfair. She had to make sure he got that idea out of his head immediately. She couldn’t bear the thought that he’d lose sleep tonight thinking he had hurt her somehow, especially when he had been a more than considerate of her feelings that night, asking her multiple times if she was sure, and she was the one who got into bed with him. She looked directly in his eyes this time and held his gaze with her own. She let out an emphatic but gentle “NO.” As if to say,“get that idea out of your head right away. That’s not it at all,” and shook her head. She looked at him pitifully, like a mother trying to comfort a child after spilling their milk.
“Good. But I wish you’d talk to me. I can tell you want to. But I’ll leave it alone for now, Scully.” He stood up and gently squeezed her shoulder before returning to his desk. She nodded appreciatively and pretended to turn her attention back to her work. For the next few hours, they silently worked, only speaking to ask for the stapler or a new pen.
Time seemed to tick by a little too slowly. It felt like at least 2, but it was only 11:30. Her paperwork all finished, she moved over to the fax machine, dialed a number, and began sending some of it to its respective recipients. Mulder watched her out of the corner of his eye. He sometimes forgot how beautiful she was. He watched her brush an errant strand of fiery hair behind her pink ear, the hair that had splayed across the pillow on his bed as he had looked down at her, not believing it was really happening. He saw her purse her perfect lips, the lips he had tasted that night and longed to experience again. She could feel his eyes on her, and she looked up at him, catching him for just a brief moment before he averted his eyes, knowing he’d been caught.
“Why does he keep doing that,” she thought to herself. She sighed deeply and curled the papers together, clicking them on the top of the fax machine to straighten them. Okay. She’s got her work out of the way. She can’t sit here all day and not speak to him. This is getting ridiculous. Her stomach growled, and she thought to herself maybe they could get out of there for a while, get something to eat and talk. She tossed the papers into a fresh X-file folder from on top of the filing cabinet, dropped the file on the desk where she had been working, and thought “why not now?” It wasn’t going to get any easier later. The long awkward silence between them was just going to cause more problems. She sidled over to where he was sitting. He didn’t look up. She felt terrible. He was hurt, and he had done nothing to deserve it. She placed a hand on his shoulder and rubbed it a little to get his attention. He leaned back in his chair and looked up at her, an expectant grin on his face as if she had come crawling back and he was basking in his victory at winning the silent treatment game.
“Would you like to go get some lunch? Maybe we can find a quiet place to talk.” He nodded and jumped up immediately to grab his jacket. She led the way out the door and onto the elevator. Scully slapped the Groundfloor button with her palm.
The old elevator was not the fastest, and the usual several seconds for the doors to close and for the elevator to start to move seemed to take 5 times as long as it ever had. Neither of them said a word. By this point, Mulder was more intrigued than hurt. He had been thinking all morning about how whatever it was she had to say, he was going to speak his piece, too. That at least gave him some relief. Even if what she had to say wasn’t good, he at least would tell her what he had needed to say for some time. The fact she was so uncomfortable had at first wounded him deeply, but she had assured him she wasn’t angry at him. His interest was piqued, to say the least. He watched her nervously fidget, which was very unlike her. Scully was naturally poised and graceful. Okay, enough. Commence with Operation Poke the Bear.
Mulder hit the elevator stop button. The little compartment quickly halted, nearly knocking them both off their feet. He didn’t take his eyes off her, curious what her reaction would be.
“Mulder, what are you doing…?”
“We needed a quite place to talk. This suits me just fine.”
“Well, I’m hungry.” She reached for the button, but he quickly put his hand over it to block it. “Mulder…” Annoyed at his game, she grabbed his hand to pull it away from the button, and he clasped hers in return. She didn’t pull away, but she wouldn’t look at him, either. He continued his slightly-too-firm grip on her hand and reached out with his other to cup her right cheek. He gently lifted her face so she would finally look at him. He examined her face, choosing his next move very carefully. He slid his hand down to her shoulder to her upper arm, gripping it, trying to physically underline what he was about to say, even thought he had no idea what that was until the words were already spilling out of his mouth.
“Scully, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…I wish I could take it back. You were too vulnerable, I should have known better…I just –“
“No,” she interrupted him. “Don’t do that.” She shook her head and sighed, gathering her thoughts. She could feel her lip begin to quiver. This is what she had been avoiding, the emotional ride. She hated being so soft in front of him. But she had shared everything, *everything* with him already, so what does she have to lose? “Mulder, I’m just torn. I’m fine about the other night. I’m not upset with you. I…I’m glad it happened.”
“Then what’s the problem, why have you been avoiding me like the Fluke Man?”
“Because you’re going to ask me questions that I don’t know the answers to. Go ahead; I know you’re going to.”
“Of course I have questions, Scully. But that’s not the important thing right now. I don’t want to have you not speaking to me. I worried about you all weekend. In case you hadn’t noticed, I care about you. I like having you around. I need you around. You’re upset, and I want to know why. That’s all that matters right now. Now, what are you torn about? Talk to me.” He tilted his head over, intently looking at her face, trying to glean one hint about what could be going on inside that brilliant mind of hers. He watched as she brushed a tear from her cheek, furrowed her brown and mustered all the strength she could against her emotions. She breathed a deep breath, let it out slowly, and slid down to sit on the floor against the wall. Mulder joined her.
“Mulder, I’m pretty screwed up. I may not seem like it, but I am. I compartmentalize everything in my life. You are the one person who I’ve ever truly let cross all my boundaries, and I’m okay with that, but that’s a lot of trust for someone like me to put into one person. It’s terrifying.
“I grew up moving all the time when my dad would get shipped off to Korea or Germany or Japan…I never got to make friends. Not real ones. I eventually just gave up. I have never had a real, lasting relationship outside of my family - until you. I’ve had boyfriends, lovers, of course. But no one who could get in my head like you. No one I would let get as close as you. No one I was connected to at an almost atomic level. You know me better than anyone has ever known me, and that scares me to death. But I also relish it. I rely on it. You are the one person who I have ever allowed myself to believe would never leave. I believe you need me as much as I need you. But I’m scared that now things will be different. That everything is changed, and there’s no going back, and I’m going to lose you. I don’t want to undo what we did. But if it meant losing you, I would in a heartbeat.
“I closed a door Friday that I didn’t realize was still open. I didn’t realize what a hold that part of my life still had on me until it didn’t. The guilt, the shame, and the smothering weight I felt for years without consciously knowing it had suddenly been lifted off me. I got closure I never knew I needed. I felt like myself for the first time in years. I felt free to be with you. But I also felt lonelier and more vulnerable than I had in years. So I needed to be with you.
“I’ve been asked by several people over the years when I’m going to settle down and find someone, get married, do the whole domestic bliss thing. And I just laugh it off, thinking to myself it’s none of their business and also realizing I had no idea how to answer them anyway. I’m not even sure that life is for me. But I know one thing: I cannot see myself with anyone else. I wasn’t sure if I could see myself with you, either. But there’s no room in my life for another man, Mulder. For all intents and purposes, you are my significant other. You are my emergency contact. You always know where I am; I talk to you every day. But there’s this distance. And maybe it’s my fault. Maybe it’s my neurotic fears getting in the way.” A single tear rolled down her left cheek as she quietly continued. “But…we live such lonely lives together.” That last sentence was said in such a tiny, pitiful, imploring way, and the fact that her voice cracked and her lip trembled when she said it almost broke him. This time, it was he who was avoiding her gaze as he choked back the lump in his throat. “As much as I want to be with you, I’m afraid to lose you. I guess I always assumed that if I kept you at arm’s length, maybe we couldn’t hurt each other, and maybe we’d always at least have each other in one way or another. But the other night, I needed more. And I got it. And it was exhilarating and powerful and beautiful and everything I’d ever thought it could be.”
Mulder looked up at her tenderly, his eyes moist, taken aback by her sudden openness, but thankful for it.
“Scully, I was never going anywhere. I have nowhere to go,” he smiled, and she smiled in return and let out a little huff of a laugh. He scooted and turned a little so that he was facing her. “Look,” he put his hand on hers that were folded in her lap. “I have nearly lost you several times. We’ve had a lot of close calls. And I have never been more scared in my life. That feeling the night when Samantha was taken, that sheer, paralyzing terror, that’s what I feel when you’re in danger. But it’s multiplied with you. I loved my sister. And I will go to my grave wishing she had never been taken, wishing I could have done something, wishing I could get justice for her, for my family. But I’m also thankful it happened … because it led me to you. I’m sorry for everything you’ve lost along the way, for everything we’ve both lost. But it is what it is, and I’m not going to question fate or God or whatever has led us to this point together. Because there’s no one else I’d rather do life with.
“I meant it, Scully. I meant what I said. There are a lot of ways to interpret that phrase given the context. But I think you knew. You knew what I meant. But you were afraid to admit it to yourself. Well, to clarify, it means whatever you want it to mean, whatever you need it to mean, whatever you felt when you watched a romantic movie as a girl, whatever you hoped to ever feel and deserve to have a man say to you. I meant it all. And I still do.
“I told you once I didn’t know if I would want to do this without you, or if I even could. But now I know. I know I can’t, because without you, I’m not me anymore. I’d sooner cut off a leg or an arm than walk away from you because you’re no less a part of me. I couldn’t leave if I wanted to. Face it, Scully, you’re stuck with me.” They both smiled at that last part. He reached up and wiped a tear from her cheek. “But, I do want you to set the pace of things. I want you to be comfortable. We’ll just take things as slowly as you need to, okay?” She nodded, relieved.
Mulder stood up and reached for her hands to pull her up. She obliged, and he pulled her into a hug. Her arms laced around his waist, her eyes closed, and her head nested perfectly beneath his chin. He held her there, a little too tightly, one hand on her head, and one hand at the small of her back. But she just squeezed right back. She pulled away after several seconds and got on her tiptoes to pull him in for another hug, this time with her chin on his shoulder. She stroked the back of his head and pressed her lips against the soft skin in front of his ear. “Thank you,” she whispered, before stepping back and hitting the button to get the elevator moving again.
“So, what’ll it be, Scully? Steakhouse, burgers, tacos? Your pick.”
“MMMM, tacos.” Her eyes got big in excitement and anticipation. She glanced at her watch. They had been talking for an hour. No wonder she was starving.
—Nando’s Tacos and Mexican Cafeteria patio, 1:00 pm—
“Ugh, this is heaven in a tortilla. I love this place. I forgot it was here.”
“Yeah, the Gunmen had me over last week for juevos rancheros, and Frohike tried to pass it off as his recipe. Langley told me later he really picked it up here. The best day old guacamole in all of DC.”
Mulder crunched down on his 3rd taco, some sour cream clinging to his chin. She stifled a laugh and observed him quietly, wondering if he’d realize it. He didn’t. So, returning the 5 year-old favor, she reached across the table with her napkin and wiped off his chin. “Fthanks” he responded with a mouthful of beef and cheese, and kept right on chewing. She was more than mildly entertained at what a messy eater he could be at times. Of course, tacos were not the neatest food, but Mulder made it more entertaining than it usually would be. A bachelor for a few too many years, the finer social graces were a little lost on him. Scully finished her chicken taco and pushed back her plate, sipping on her lemonade.
“Mulder?” she smiled at him contentedly.
“Hmm?”
“I love you, too.”
He popped his last bite in his mouth and smiled bigger than she’d ever seen him smile, and at that moment, there were no aliens, no conspiracy, and no darkness to engulf them. It was just two friends having lunch and enjoying life. Whatever larger truths they had ever sought, whatever answers had continually eluded them, this moment of peace overpowered all that. Darkness is simply the absence of light. Darkness in itself cannot exist without light, and therein, the battle is already won. A shadow can’t stretch across the ground if not for the sun’s glory and power. This was their glory. This was their power. This was their light. And anything that tried to cast a shadow over it would be engulfed in it, because love is the most powerful force of all. Nothing can withstand it. Love is bigger than any doubt or fear or evil. This, they came to realize, is the greatest truth of all, and it had been right under their noses all along. But now that they’d found it, they’d never let it go.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it holds no grudge. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
THE END
By jeanascully Feb 2020
I love to write missing scenes. I have a few complete ones, and I’m currently working on a couple more. Feel free to share and please tell me what you think.
