Today is Christmas...
It doesn't feel like Christmas...
My family this year decided to abandon the holiday for a "family vacation" that was decided without including me in that decision. As young as I am, I'm pretty into the traditions, I like the Christmas gathering and the family being together for a few hours and then everyone can go they're separate ways. I've had great memories like that. I also could not afford to take more days off because my job is... a very wishy washy company that is either too strict or too lax. Currently we are moving past too strict into new territory.
This trip ended in tragedy relationships were strained, and some permanent enemies made. I believe is firmly because my family trapped themselves states away in one cabin without the ability to escape from one another. This being a fatal flaw as my family historically always had clashes usually being between either myself, my grandfather, or my mom; usually this is because my grandfather being bullheaded, me being overly opinionated (usually opposing my family's typical views), or my mom who I feel like can't stand to be opposed.
Fast forward to Christmas Eve my daughter calls me at work because while watching my son he decided it a good idea to hit her with a wooden pole as hard as he could. I handle it as best I can over a video call holding Xmas, Santa, and the naughty list over his head to try and get him to behave. After that act of violence and a streak of my son screaming at his mother in defiance the day before,to the extent that my wife called me in tears I felt like a failure as a parent. I sought after advice from friends who told me things like "he's a kid that's normal," to "that's just brothers and sisters they are gonna hurt each other," to "he's got to be picking these behaviors up somewhere." I then called my mother, who if I'm being honest I wasn't the easiest of children to raise in my middle school years, to ask for her advice as she's got experience.
My mother began by telling me that it's in my head, he's not as bad as I think he is, and that it my wife and I's fault. This is due to us telling people who says he's an angel that he's not like that all the time and that he doesn't listen when he's at home or his grandma's while she babysits him. She made the argument that all we ever do is complain about our son and that he hears all this and is deciding to be as bad as we say. She goes on to say how you should never speak poorly of your child in front of them and in the same sentence talked about how terrible I was and still am; ending with a "your more like your father than you admit and you kinda hate women."
Yes my father who abused both my mother and myself, the same person who I fear I'll become more than any other fear I have. I felt like a bad parent, my mom didn't give me constructive criticism but had just indirectly called me an abuser. I genuinely felt like my son would be better off if I was dead and for a split second I wanted to be. I then became angry because I thought to myself "why would she treat me down so hard?"
This leads to me now no family of my own to celebrate with, feelings of failure, and no holiday spirit in sight. I don't know how to end this... I dunno what to do... Who knows.
